Yep, SAA is a MUST first read. Closely followed by HNHN and LB, since in Plan A you are going to practice these concepts.

You're doing great. Hang in there.

First appointment with marriage counselor tonight. Am very nervous about it -> stress, mixed with a lovely dash of anxiety, and the nausea is fun too.

What sort of things can I expect in general? I haven't been to counseling before so I don't have a frame of reference at all?

DA- I have read your thread and I am very impressed with you! You are doing a great job. Stay strong.

I was going to post a sample letter for the OWH that I used for my situation, but I see you have already taken care of that.

I've done some counseling but not really MC. I wouldn't expect a whole lot on the first visit. Have you read what MB says about how to select a counselor here on this site?

I would relax and stay in control during the session. I wish you the best of luck.

What a crappy day.

Nothing happened to make it crappy, just woke up that way. I can't decide if I want to crawl under my desk and sob or go to the roof and throw myself off or scream at the top of my lungs....

how the hell am I going to get through this betrayal?

One day at a time with the help of God and your cheerleaders at MB.

God's Blessings,

Say

I can't ever trust him again.

I had to check around and call here and there and I found another one.

His response? -They spent the entire weekend together at a conference, staying IN THE SAME HOTEL ROOM ALONE but nothing happened.

right


I don't know if I even want to do this anymore.

Amy

You are going to stay in a roller coaster of emotions until you get your head screwed on straight. It is the way it works. How much of Surviving an Affair (SAA) have you read? How much of "How to survive infidelity" on this site have you read?

Here is the deal:

You can give up and go away with no more tools than you had when you showed up here, or you can start reading about how to have a great marriage and acquire the tools. Hate to say this, but what if you divorce then start dating again and you run across another guy, fall in love, get married, then one of your cheats?

I don't have a clue if your marriage will survive or not.

I do have a clue that this is a golden opportunity for you to learn how to have a great marriage, something they don't teach in school (darn it). There are three benefits:

1. You will better understand what is going on with your life right now.

2. You will better understand what affairs are all about and affair proofing your ongoing relationships.

3. You will learn how to fall in love and stay in love.

But you have to earn the knowledge.

Understand?

Larry

DA I've felt like his plenty of times. Like Larry said you will be on Broller coaster of emotions. It helped me to breathe, take a step back and think about whether I wanted a divorce or continue to work towards building a great marriage.

darkamy- I had many moments in these past few months that I had the same feelings as you. It was because that was my TAKER talking. It was saying, "What about ME, ME ME ME ME?" The way that I got through these rough patches is that I would remember that I made a choice to TRY to recover my M when I was thinking clearly. I had weighed out the pros and cons while I wasn't emotionally charged. That told me that when I was thinking clearly again, I would want the same things. That made me listen to what the people on here were telling me to do. That was the way I took the next step. I would think about the story The Little engine that could and I kept saying to myself, "I think I can, I think I can." I am in a better place than I was then, and I am growing every minute.

Dark Amy -

I know how you feel. My DDay was last May and I am now in Plan B. I still have days where I think, "Geez, do I really want to continue this?" There are days I want so, so bad to just bash WH over the head and give up. But I can't. Like Scotland, I made the decision to do my best to follow all the guidelines at MB and do my best to try to recover my marriage. I know that I at some point in the future, I would never forgive myself for not trying.

Feelings get the best of us sometimes and that is so, so normal. Feelings can be really strong, but your wayward husband got where he is by going with his feelings instead of using his head and his knowledge of right and wrong. DON'T do that yourself. You are much, much stronger than you realize. You can do this!

Ok, <deep breath> pause <deep breath> pause......repeat.

I'm still breathing, I'm still hanging on, I'm still trying to keep it together....

I'm stopped searching (for the time being) because finding more "ammo" isn't helping. I'm going with the theory that everything before D-Day was a lie, and with that theory I can get a foothold on my emotions to keep rolling forward instead of backwards.

I read SAA in a day and a half. I dogeared pages, I underlined sentences, I drew arrows to paragraphs. I'm going to re-read it as soon as WH finished it too.

We're attempting to save AND repair this marriage.

After last Friday's explosion, he picked up LB and stayed awake til 2 reading it. He's saying he was doing many things wrong and he's convinced that the LB book will save our marriage.

Plus, he finally said he is sorry. Truly, heartfeltly and deeply sorry. He didn't do that before picking up LB.


One more day of breathing........

Amy

hmmmm..... exposure made hubby cranky....

what are my responses suppose to be now? I'm trying to be.... I don't know what... I'm definately NOT going to apologize!

How to deflect??

Cranky just seems like an understatement. He should be angry, with steam coming from his ears!

Hang in there, smile when you can, and treat yourself well, take
anti-depressants if needed. your responses should be "Im doing this to save our marriage." "Our marrige is built for two, and cant handle a third person." "How was your day?"

From a brief glimpse at this thread it looks like the OWH received a letter 2 weeks ago. Did you do a nuclear exposure at the same time, or was it drug out for the past 2 weeks?

Some things to keep in mind:

Isn't the ideal situation for you and any kids you might have for you to be in love your Husband and your Husband in love with you? (Steve Harley will ask you this question if you call him)

You have an opportunity to save your marriage. Your husband is doing and saying all the right things. There will never be a better time or circumstance to repair you marriage.

You have the rest of your life to divorce him. Take that chance now and know you did everything you could.

yea, something like that - (I laugh inside when I see it)



Yes to the nuclear exposure 2 weeks ago. But there have been multiple online - email "affairs" as well, and those were exposed aslo. It's the fallout from those exposures that's just now affecting him and his daily life. He's a musician and the one from the "weekend in a hotel where nothing happened" plays in the same section in the orchestra. Cutting her out of the picture is getting more involved than he expected and it's making him "cranky".

Hi all, small update with a question or two thrown in for funzies...

Marriage counseling going well. Getting to the point in what was broken in him and getting him to be more vulnerable than ever before, opening up to me and to the counselor.

Had a good weekend without the kids (went on overnight weekend with his parents) we had a lot of good one on one time. One minor issue after a concert on Saturday night - which is where one question comes from. The conversation was crap from the start, with lb's all over but neither of us could seem to steer it bad in the right direction before we were both angry.

How do you get things "under control" when something shifts out of control in a conversation??

The other question is about SF. Now that I know details of the A, I'm always double thinking our own SF. Thinking of the things he did with the OP. Part of me wants to take over the memories and do xyz because the OP did, and part of me wants to avoid those certain xyz things completely. Which is the "correct" thing to do? What have other BS's done?


Amy

"Which is the "correct" thing to do? What have other BS's done?"

Both to your two questions.

Do what will make you feel good.

Sometimes it helps to physically separate until you calm down. I don't mean leave the house, I mean leave the room. And I know this goes against popular belief, but sometimes it's good to go to bed mad. Sometimes taking a breather and getting some rest puts things in a different perspective.

Also, were you drinking at the concert or after? Painful things have a way of taking on a bigger magnitude when there's alcohol involved. Careful about discussing this issue if you're drinking. If you weren't, disregard this advice.

No, it was a symphony concert he played in. No drinking - lol

Forgive me, I'm borrowing worries from tomorrow - I know, but I have another question.

What do/should I do if the OP contacts my WH?

He's already been clear about what he plans to do if it happens (not delete the message, not respond in any way, show me the message and then we delete it together, etc.) but what do I do? How do I react? Like nothing happened? Plan A even harder?

I ask because we're facing a deployment this summer. They talked at length about his deploying and I suspect that she's going to be "worried" about him. That's why I think she might try to be in contact somehow.

I have nothing tangible to hold in my hand that she's still trying to contact. Just a nagging feeling that she might.