p.s, she doesn't want a divorce, but needs to do this in order to get legal protection. In Texas, we don't have legal separation, just divorce. She she will file, get the orders in place and draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag it out! Except for the part where she files on grounds of adultery and they call the OW in to give sworn testimony about her adultery.

Oh, I figured as much. I know that she is taking steps to protect herself and do whatever she can to try to save her marriage. I know with you in her corner she will have to right guidance.

Thanks so much for all the support. I'm trying to spend my day cleaning up house and resting. I've had a few dark moments today, but mostly good. It's good to know that I have so many supportive friends and family.

I did finally tell his sister everything on the phone. She couldn't believe it and kept asking me if I was sure. I told her yes, positive. She is very sad and disappointed, but I don't think she will interfere as she didn't want me telling him that we talked.
I called my mom and she is coming Tuesday or Wednesday...maybe my dad too. Yes, I'm filing on Monday...lawyer said she may be able to push it in 7 days...I'm hopeful.

Ok, sorry to confuse, but I changed my name from Higgs4 to hope_eternal...it was recommended that I do this...just in case. I'm also playing around with my signature. I'll try to add more information on that later.

Made it to the afternoon.....no crying today so far. I can't help but continue to think that this is what he wants. I just think he was trying to wait until summer. He's planning on moving to the lake when school is out; that's his temporary plan anyway. I have no idea after that.

It is good to know his plan. I am going to post what pepperband posted to me on my thread. It may help you too.

hope,

The reason he falls asleep after the arguments is that he is full of anxiety and tension. Once he releases all of this at you, his system has to recharge. It is an interesting after-effect of tantruming in children - have you noticed how after little kids have tantrums or rages, they often are worn out and fall asleep?

This is actually part of a well-documented cycle, and in some crisis management training I take every year, we are taught about this stage. I recognized it instantly when you talked of your husband falling asleep after your arguments, while you (who remained calm and controlled [good job!]) managed to stay awake and go over what had happened. This tells me you handled things very well. Stay on this trajectory, no matter what he does.


I've read through the thread to catch up. I've been out of commission for a few days because of an illness.

Your WH's reaction to your letter and demands isn't a big surprise. Right now, he wants what he wants, when he wants it. Now, doesn't that sound like a little kid?

The thing is, he will soon realize that what he THINKS he wants isn't exactly the toy he thought it was. You see, it's kind of like having the perfect set of toys at home, and then you go to the store and see this gigantic cool-looking toy. You beg and beg and beg for that toy, and agree to give up all your other "stupid" toys for the new and shiny one, because you have fantasized that this new toy will be the end-all-be-all of toys. You decide you are going to donate all of your toys to the Goodwill, and cast them off so someone else can have them, because - after all - you now have yourself in position for the perfect toy.

You get your hands on that new toy. Your stupid olds ones are gone, and you get this new toy home and rip open that package - OH YEAH. And you play with it for awhile. At first it is the most exciting toy! Only, you thought it would do some things that it really doesn't do. It isn't quite like the advertisement claimed. And it doesn't work the same as you thought it would either. It doesn't fit quite right here, and doesn't feel quite right there, and it broke right away in that one spot.

And you do miss a couple of toys you used to have. Especially that one special toy. The one you did want to keep, and you were not sure of giving away - but sacrificed anyway. That special toy you played with every day, but maybe didn't really appreciate until you didn't have it.

At first you say, "But I have this newer model, and it IS cooler." Only that line doesn't even fool YOU. Sooner or later, you start wondering if that Goodwill store sold that other toy or not.

And if you could get it back, if you were fast enough........




See Hope, it's the allure of the new and different, and he's caught up in that. He's made his life with you into something he thinks he can walk away from easily.

He has so much to learn. He will learn it the easy way, or the hard way.

But he will learn it.

The question is this: Will he learn it while you are still willing to work it out, or will your love for him have died long before then?

MB gives HIM the chance to learn fast - and YOU the chance to empower yourself so that if he doesn't, YOU can survive the affair

with
or
without

the wayward spouse.


Schoolbus

wow...schoolbus, that was great!!!! I totally get it; it's just so hard to get the focus off myself. These are things I think about...

I'll never find anyone new...
Who's going to want a woman with 4 kids and a std?
There will be no one around to share the birth and memories of 20 years with our kids?
Who will I talk to?
I miss him being here.
How will I be able to raise them on my own?
How will I ever pray again?
When will I have the "will" to go through a day without thinking about him?
When will I eat again?
What if my children would rather be with him than me?
What if my children turn to drugs or alcohol because of this divorce or issue?
When will I stop crying?
When will I stop worrying?
How will I ever forgive myself for not seeing the signs before it was too late?

I realize all this is a pity-party...but like the song says, "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to; you would cry too if it happened to you." I hate the in between and the wondering when it will all end.

H_E-you will get through this. We have ALL had those thoughts. We have all felt that way too. The answers aren't simple. You need to have FAITH and HOPE. You need to BELIEVE that you WILL eventually get through this. You will not only get THROUGH this, you will be BETTER on the other side. CRAZY huh? That's what this personal recovery gig is all about. Even those who have marital recovery, had to have personal recovery as well. Just ask em!

I've been doing some more searching and interestingly enough I found a sticky note inside a last year teacher directory. On this sticky note, was the OW's name, number, and email address. I wish I could get into it...there's so much more I wish I knew.
Also, I found a receipt in his truck from a deposit he made at his bank....it showed the amount and a copy of the check deposited....it was overage from our escrow and the check was written to me. You got it!! That means that he signed my name, and deposited it in his account. My name is the only name on the check because my name is the only name on the house. So interesting that he wouldn't even tell me about it yet so typical.

I think I better quit snooping because it just makes me so angry.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone!!! Thanks for all the support. Husband left for lake on Friday and has made no contact with me or children.....I'm expecting it to be this way for awhile. It's lonely and I struggle with discipline with my children....I can't find the will to get up and fix their arguments. It seems I'm walking through the motions on everything...forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other and to breathe in and out.

I think these are some of the darkest moments I have ever known.

I'm just reposting about my change of ID...it was higgs4 and now it's hope_eternal...

Hi school bus, i liked you toy analogy.
I just wanted to add that more and more I see a big diference in the quality of the WS in this forum. The ones who leave the A right after exposure and try to R the M are the ones who give some hope. The others not so much.
Hope, your H, like mine, desires to be a bachelor again. My H moved to the lake 8 months ago and is still there seeing OW daily and has a new group of friends, does things with them and has a new life. He really likes his new toy and it will take him a very long while before , if ever, he misses his old toy.

Some WS give much less hope than others and your H might fall into this category.

Some men take a long time to come out of the fog. The fog as I see it, is a state that can give you a great opportunity to awaken into a better being. This awakening (that is actually happening to us BS right NOW thru the pain we are put thru and makes us better people at the end of this journey) is, for the WS a big fall of events, a shock created by unforeseen circumstances and these circumstances are not too many really (loss of health, OW leaves him, shame is brought upon them, serious sexual problems) because what we would consider serious such as their kids missing them or their parents telling them they are making a big mistake�.is not considered serious by the WS.
Till this fall of event happens you can work on only one thing. YOU. Do not hope for a minute that this situation will resolve itself quickly because as you described your H�.he is ready for a new life and he will have it. He will take a while to come to his senses if he ever will.
The reason why he is tired is because of the increased sexual activity at his age.My H had sex 2-3 times a day with the neighbor and he was always very tired.
You are only 41!!!!!! He is 52 heading for a long spiral journey into his private he77. You are better off. He will spend his day as a low life with a wh@re and will lose the respect of all the people he thought he cared about.
You will come thru this renewed or bitter and resentful. Your choice. You can become a better human being and turn into a wonderful person who will easily find another man in spite of it all.
You have a wonderful opportunity. You have been chosen to become a better person. Follow the MB principles and let go of wanting you M back at all cost. Stop the fight and accept that things are what they are. As soon as you come to acceptance a powerful shift will occur and you will feel the strength you need to go thru this. You can do nothing at all to make your H love you and come back to you. You have done all you could to this point and now it is in the hands of a higher power.
blessing

I can think of way too many success stories of WS' who did not leave their OP just after exposure to make me lose hope. Just off the top of my head there is Mimi, Mortarman, not2fun, Bramblerose; I could go on and on. What I have seen is that those who end their affairs upon exposure usually get into recovery faster, but not neccessarily more likely.

hopeful, God is not going to let you down. Keep putting yourself in His hands. You are worried about things that may never come to pass. You have your hands full with enough problems as it is.

Melody,
hope creates false expectations. Hope's WH might very well surprize us, but till then Hope needs to make her personal recovery her first priority most of all because if the BS does not change, the M will end up in the same spot even if WS comes back.
Nobody knows what iwll happen bt we do see a lot of suffering on this forum and a lot of situations where plan B has been going on for months and nothing has happened.
We never know where we will be in a few months but we know for sure that we can work on ourselves and let the higher power take care of the WS
Blessing

Atena, Plan B usually alleviates suffering. After a few weeks of no contact, away from all the drama and trauma, the suffering ends a new sense of peace and calm ensues. When this happens, the BS is better equipped to deal with WHATEVER happens. There may be reconciliation and there may be divorce. But the calm of Plan B prepares the BS for either option without suffering.

While there are no guarantees, there is no reason to give up hope for reconciliation. It has happened in numerous cases and I don't want her to give up hope. There is no need to do so.

That I agree...hope for R is possible. Yes.
blessing

Something else to keep in mind is that 65% of marriages do reconcile after affairs. The odds FAVOR reconciliation.

I do agree very much that a BS should focus on building a single life and not count on reconciliation. That way, if the marriage does not reconcile, she is prepared to move on. Plan B helps a BS transistion to divorce with much more ease.

This is a great article on accepting what is and stop suffering:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/byron-katie/how-i-learned-to-stop-suf_b_70207.html

She is hurting you ALL by not telling him. Telling him she knows and speaking to him of her disappointment will help wake him up. Will she not help at all?

Hope, if she won't help, I would be SURE and tell him you have told his sister all about his affair.