You are still married. It doesn't matter whose name is on the lease. You are free to come and go as you please as long as you are married. Just walk right back in if you want.

That being said, I don't know why you want to save this marriage that much. You have no kids and have only been together 3.5 years, and she's already cheating on you.

OK, so she stopped working when you got married? Was that because she lost her job, or was it a deliberate decision? Why isn't she working now?

I'm trying to work out the shape of your marriage, and what your expectations were.

Whatever happens to this marriage, it would be useful for you to learn what mistakes you may have made so you can avoid them in your NEXT marriage, should this relationship be irrecoverable. Do you see that?

She lost her job. So did I. We both lost our jobs last year. But I landed myself in a more lucrative position starting last December. She is still working on odd freelance jobs that pay nothing, and getting unemployment.

any more help? I am concerned about moving back there.

Might be but I'd dump her. Cheating just after the marriage? Save yourself years of heartache....dump her!

Hello Mac36, welcome to MB.

I am so sorry that you have to be here, it's not exactly the kind of place anybody wants to feel the "need" for. However, you couldn't find a better place to be in considering your circumstances so you can take comfort in that.

Forgive me, but I am a little confused here. When you say "two night stand" are you implying that this happened BEFORE you were married or AFTER you were married? In otherwords, do you mean that this two night stand "IS" the affair (in itself) that your are referring to now or do you mean that your W's affair (current one) is a "continuation" of a two-night stand that took place some time ago? In addition, are you sure that it even truly ever ended (and if so...how can you be so sure?)? I apologize, but there's just something about the "EX" in ex-lover that doesn't sit quite right with me so I couldn't help but ask. Also, you say with "some" ex-lover so I'm guessing this OM is someone that you, yourself, do not personally know. How does your W know him and how long has she known him?

I know you probably don't like these kinds of questions but, in the end, you'll understand just why we here ask so many of the like.

Where did they meet while you were away...NYC/Australia or somewhere else altogether? Are there other times that you can think of that they may have met up together unbeknownst to you? Remember, WW (waywards) lie bigtime between their teeth so don't just assume anything a WW says is actually what they say it is. I can't be sure but it sounds (to me, "personally") that your W [hasn't been/isn't being] totally upfront with you about her and the OM's relationship. Is it possible that this could be something that has been going on for much longer than you even know?

How many people have YOU exposed this A to? Anyone at all or...? Exposure is important but we need as much info from you right now as we can get. Does your W have a Facebook (or something of the like) account, does the OM, do you? Do you know the OM's name???

Any information you can provide us with would be very helpful.

Again, I am very sorry to hear about what you are going through, it sure does suck!

((HUGS)))

eta:

If I were you, I would be MORE CONCERNED about NOT moving back. Yes, it will be rough if you go back (that much is obvious) but, if you don't, that just gives your W that more more freedom to continue the A and the A is the thing you need to stop if you want to even TRY and save your marriage.

My suggestion; get back home asap and let the snooping begin, you need to arm yourself with ammunition.

If you're that afraid to move back in, the MB plans may not be for you.

FEAR is your biggest enemy and hurdle right now. You cannot Plan A her if you aren't even living together.

While you are moving back in you also need to expose this affair far and wide. Read up on exposure and get started on that.

I'm wondering if this A of hers was actually something that, perhaps, started before they were even married and now she just wants to go back and "start it up again!"

Either way, the choice of whether to try and save the marriage or not is entirely up to you, Mac36. Whatever it is YOU want, we are here to help guide you any which way you choose.

Absolutely!!!

If you don't start exposing it now, your W will beat you to the punch and make it "APPEAR" that she had every good reason to sc**w around on you (that's called gaslighting) in turn making it that much harder for you to get "forces" on your side. You need to expose this A "WIDE OPEN" before she has a chance to do it herself, making you look like the bad guy.

From what I read, you can Plan A even if you're not living together. If MB is the way you want to go, you CAN do it. There's a guy somewhere Plan Aing his wife from Afghanistan.

But if you have the option and it is possible, living together right now WOULD be best.

Well the guy in Afghanistan has no other option...of course you can TRY to Plan A when not living together but it's far from the effectiveness of Plan A'ing WHILE you are living together.

He HAS the option to go home, he is just afraid to. FEAR is going to ruin him if he lets it get the best of him.

You're right, there. I was just sayin'.

The two night stand happened before we met. He was here from France (while he had a GF in France) and met with my wife. and they didnt see each other for nearly 4 years, and then Facebook happened, and they reconnected when I was out of the country. She tells me that the affair was just platonic...

Facebook...yep, just figures! I cannot tell you how many times we've heard the same thing; facebook, facebook, facebook. Funny, it's supposed to be a community "gathering" site but, needless to say, a large portion of it's users use it as nothing more than a (you know what) kind of site. Tsk, what a shame!

Anyway, being that you mentioned Facebook; do YOU yourself have an account there? If not, go open one up right away and let us know once you've done that. Facebook is one of the best places to expose through (yeah, sounds scary, I know, but just listen all the same and you will see what we mean).

Hate to say it but.....BULL$**T, there is NO SUCH THING as a platonic affair (or is that just how she describes online sex/emotional intimacy?). Either there is an A, or there isn't, it can't be both ways. In this case, there most certainly "IS", no question about it.

Taken from Wikipedia:

Platonic love, a relationship that is not sexual in nature.

Sorry to tell you but your W is pulling the wool right over your eyes. She can tell you whatever she wants but, if I were you, I wouldn't believe a word of what she says. Even if her and the OM did "NOT" have physical relations to begin with, he and her were most certainly having an EA (emotional affair, which is just as bad as a physical one) and, sure enough, one thing led right to the next, bringing you to where you are today.

Go open up that Facebook account and then report back to us as soon as that's done.

PS: Do you have access to your W's Facebook account? I'd bet my bottom dollar that, if you do, you will find some "evidence" in there (if she hasn't yet deleted it, I mean).

Wow, to say I am sorry doesn't even begin to explain. I'll never understand how anyone can hurt another in such a way...actually makes me feel sick.

My heart goes out to you, MAC, it really does!

Oops, forgot to say; "that" (the snooping part) is just one other reason for you to get back into your house where you can access things (like your W's computer) that you can't always access from other places.

More folks will be along with their input soon, I'm sure.

Good luck!

What I am doing now is Plan B, right? Is this a good course of action?

Plan B means you have no contact with her.

It's a good course of action when implemented after Plan A.

I am increasingly confused here. Can I just clarify that these are the facts?

- 5 years ago, your wife met the ex-lover while she was living in NY and there was a brief relationship. (I'm baffled by the French connection. Your wife is French herself? The ex-lover is not French but had a girlfriend in France at the time? What relevance has the whole French thing?)

- the ex-lover was presumably cheating on his GF with your not-then-wife?

- the ex-lover did not move to NY, but to Sydney, Australia?

- 3.5 years ago, you and your wife met in NY

- 2 years ago, you and she married

- about six months ago, she reconnected with the ex-lover via Facebook

- she has not had any physical contact with him, only via the internet?

- you are now living somewhere other than her apartment?

Mac, could you possibly flesh out your story in detail instead of giving us two sentences at a time? People will try to be helpful, but giving advice on the basis of insufficient knowledge is dangerous.

TA

MAC- Sorry you are here. You need to move back into your home and start snooping and Plan A. Keep reading as much as you can on here.

If you continue to plod along, your marriage is over. Stop being afraid because you have absolutely nothing to lose at this point.

Go home, start digging, and develop your exposure plan.

- 5 years ago, your wife met the ex-lover while she was living in NY and there was a brief relationship. (I'm baffled by the French connection. Your wife is French herself? The ex-lover is not French but had a girlfriend in France at the time? What relevance has the whole French thing?)

- the ex-lover was presumably cheating on his GF with your not-then-wife?

- the ex-lover did not move to NY, but to Sydney, Australia?
Both my wife and her cheating conniving ex-lover are French. They met around 4 years ago when he was visiting ny.

- 3.5 years ago, you and your wife met in NY
Yes, 3.5 years ago I met her here
- 2 years ago, you and she married
Yes.
- about six months ago, she reconnected with the ex-lover via Facebook
yes, and he was visiting, and she met up with him when I was travelling.
- she has not had any physical contact with him, only via the internet?
See above.

- you are now living somewhere other than her apartment?

Yes. I am living in my friends apartment.