We are trying to get you into Plan A. Plan A comes BEFORE Plan B. A then B. Got it? GOOD.

I wonder how I can impliment plan A. I wonder how I can do this by myself. I wonder how I can move back. I am hopeless, helpless.

Everyone has given you great advice. What is the question with you moving back? Wasn't she going to give you a key? Even if she doesn't, just go back. How? Open the door and walk in for godssakes!

You can start by stoppin your negative thinking like this. Look man, this sucks. Betrayal hurts and it hurts bad. It is the worst thing to have happen to you short of losing a child. You feel devastated. All of us fellow BS (Betrayed Spouses) know exactly how you are currently feeling as we have walked those exact same steps. You FEEL hopeless and helpless, but in actuality you are not.

One of the greatest things about this program is that it empowers YOU and makes you a better person, regardless of what your WW (wayward wife) says or does.

Did you actually read the Carrot and Stick of Plan A? It is fairly simple in concept, yet difficult to put into practice.

Take a break and go cry or something and get it out. It's OK to cry if you cry for a purpose. Then make a decision on which direction you want to go (recovery or divorce). From your posts, I'm assuming you want to recover your marriage and you are in the best place to try to do that. It may work and it may not. You can't control the outcome. You can't control your wife. You can only control yourself, so start there.

Breathe, calm down, and start planning what you are going to DO. That should include the following:

- Read and educate yourself on the MB concepts (Start with the links at the top of the page and then read other's threads.)

- Learn about Plan A and Exposure

- Project yourself as calm, confident, and in control to your wife (even if you are not on the inside right now - you will get there eventually)

- Move back home immediately

Once you start taking action, you will start to feel better. I do wish you the best, and you are not alone.

Mac, you are neither hopeless or helpless, what you are is scared and confused (totally understandable). We can offer you much helpful advice but you'll have to be ready to listen and you must be willing to "take charge" if you want this to even stand a chance of working.

You say you are staying in a friends apartment; is this friends apartment in a different city then where your W currently lives or something? Why are you finding it so hard to make a decision on moving back in anyway? Distance/fear/the unexpected...what??? If your W doesn't have a restraining order against you (or something of the like that specifically states you "CAN'T" go back home) then by all means, get your hiney back into your house. It's your home too, isn't it? If there is no reason you can't be there, then, simply put..."BE THERE!"

Yes, you should be working on Plan A right now (Plan B comes later and we'll let you know when that time has arrived). Plan A works "MUCH" better with you and your W living under the SAME ROOF so, once again, do what you can to get yourself where you belong. Don't be afraid to do it, hon, just do it! Will it be hard/uncomfortable? You bet, but it will get easier once you "get yourself going" (it gets harder before it gets better so you must be prepared for this). We are here to help you every step of the way but we can only help you if you are willing to accept the help we provide. Truthfully, with MB's track record, I wouldn't even consider going in any other direction. Can we guarantee success? No, but we can guarantee you'll get super advice from those "in the know" and we'll be here to provide you support, encouragement (etc) to help you stay as strong as you possibly can be at a time like this.

Oh, and one thing of much importance; do NOT let your W know about this place, at least not until we say it's okay for you to do so.

All the best to you.

You make it kinda sound like a secret club... I guess it kinda is.

You are messing-up big time. Listen to what people are telling you.

what is carrot and stick of Plan A?

went and saw her today, and I couldnt move in. because she was really in a terrible state. I am trying Plan B now. Any hope on Plan B?

why was she in a terrible state? Not just being nosey-it could be pertinent.

Why not go back and try tomorrow? I really don't think you should Plan B until you've Plan A'ed and you haven't done that have you?

Plan B?

What...where on Earth did Plan A go???

Mac, don't start jumping ahead of yourself, you haven't even done Plan A yet (or much less even tried, am I right?). Or am I missing something here altogether?

After reading (and re-reading) everything you wrote, I can't help but ask; "are you sure you are not just saying you want to jump right into Plan B simply because you are "too afraid" of even giving Plan A a try?"

No, no, no, Mac, you have to take this one step at a time!

I'm wondering if, perhaps, when you said "I went and saw her today, and I couldnt move in. because she was really in a terrible state" this was really just your FEAR talking. In otherwords, (sorry to be so blunt)...a "cop-out" on your part. You have to be completely upfront and honest with us, Mac, or our help to you will really be of no help at all.

Are you absolutely sure your reason for not moving back in wasn't "REALLY" because you were just simply afraid to do so (and, in turn, you just came up with an "excuse" not to)?

Please don't take offense to any of my questions, I just want to be 100% sure of where you stand right now, no offense is intended.

Yes, doing Plan A (or any Plan, for that matter) is scary but, even so, you have to work through the scary parts "regardless of."

If it is fear that is stopping you from even giving Plan A a shot, then be prepared, because that fear WILL STILL BE THERE to halt any progress you could have regardless of ANY plan you choose.

Don't let fear stand in your way, Mac; stand up, be strong and give fear a good ol' swift kick in the butt.

You can do this, Mac, you really can, but you have to BELIEVE it, too. Get rid of the negative thoughts that occupy your mind and take a good, long look and yourself and "envision" yourself breaking the fear barrier. Think positive, hon, (ie: "mind-over-matter") you will feel (and do) sooooo much better once you get yourself in the right frame of mind.

...move back home!!!

I just wanted to re-iterate some of the advice that others have given you throughout this thread so far;






And last but not least;


Please take into serious consideration the advice you are being given, Mac, that's the only way we can help you; "talking" about working a plan is one thing...actually "doing" it is another. No amount of talking will make a plan work, a plan has to be "put it into action" to even stand a chance.

Be brave, Mac, this is something you can do! ;-)

It's like this: she is depressed, is going through some kind of an identity crisis, and just wants a separation. I understand what you guys day. And I tried to get into plan A, but I just feel inhumane to do so. I just need to let be, let go. I am shattered, and deeply hurt, but I just cant do anything about it now.

Plan B: let's see how long this goes.

No. You cannot do plan B before A. That is not how it works.

Do you want the marriage, or don't you?

MAC, what impression will you be leaving with her? You see, plan A is showing the WS all you CAN BE. You demonstrate what YOU CAN OFFER, in terms of meeting her needs, and you make changes to make YOURSELF a better person.

MAC, are there aspects of your M where you failed to deliver? What could YOU have done better? I'm NOT saying you should fall on the sword here, but you're missing out on the point of plan A. Going to plan B without laying a proper foundation will lead to nothing more than building a castle on pillars of sand.

READ. LISTEN. THINK. Do not just act out of emotion.

TB

I feel like I cannot do this: the last 3 months has been HELL, terrible hell. I just started a stable job, dont want to screw up everything for myself. I remember, I used to sit in my office and cry. I would land up late for meetings, I would come late to work. I was a mess. I cant be a mess anymore. I have to take care of myself. The last 3 months, I was on Plan A, being a doormat. I cant be that way any more.

Is that the white flag I see, MAC? TRY and show me a BS who wasn't a mess, who had to fight through work obligations despite having little to no interest, who lost weight to a degree and in a timeframe that is totally unhealthy? You won't be able to do it because this is all standard stuff for the betrayed folks out here.

MAC, don't tell ME about being a mess. I almost lost my job. I dropped from 185 pounds to 157 pounds. I couldn't sleep.

If you're saying you're not interested in fighting for your M, well, then there's really nothing left to say. I don't know if your M is worth saving based upon its short lifespan and the fact that there are no kids. Only you can decide IF you want to save it. IF you do, then fasten your seatbelt and get ready for the ride of your life. If not, that's your call and your call alone.

TB

Uh, ya. Don't tell any of us about almost losing our jobs or going thru hell. But we all survived and are better for it. Know why? 'cause we implemented the plans and acted on the advice of people who have already been through what we were going through. You don't find that kind of thing very often 36, so you might want to take advantage of a good thing while it's available.

The reason you were so "screwed up" is because you didn't have a plan. You were in Plan Doormat. Plan A is about finding your true strength and eliminating your weaknesses. For YOU, Mac. And if your WW ultimately has the where-whith-all to notice, she will benefit too.

Move HOME, and implement Plan A: be the best husband you can be by looking good, doing good, and smelling good. Don't LoveBust - no crying or pleading anything like that, just be available. Meet needs if she'll let you (she's depressed right? So, rub her back or something. make her some tea.)

BTW this business about being in an identity crisis is typical wayward pathetic selfish immature BS. You're letting her act like a luv-sick teenager by staying out of the house. You're the husband, right? Make yourself available. If she doesn't want you she can go in the corner and cry or send texts to Australia or France or wherever.

TB (and everyone else) is right: Plan B requires Plan A for a considerable period to create a sharp CONTRAST.

Stop avoiding conflict and stand up for yourself. A little conflict will do you some good. Tell her you really really miss the floor boards in your bedroom and you just can't bear to be without them, since they can't be removed, you will stay with them.

Go Home Mac. Have some self-respect.

~opt

Yeah, just as I suspected, you really are just scared of making a go of Plan A, aren't you?

Mac, please, do not be afraid to tell us these things, this is what we are here for and your being totally upfront with us is of vital importance; it is the ONLY way we can honestly help you. Don't forget, many of us have been down the same road as you are now going down yourself; we know what it is like to be "in your shoes" and our advice comes from "experience."

Question: Do you "TRULY" want to make your own decisions about how to go about all of this when you don't even have a clue as to what it is you really should be doing? If you knew what you should be doing, you wouldn't even be here asking for help now, would you?

I'm not knocking you (I completely understand where you are coming from) but do you not think it better to listen to those who speak from experience as opposed to someone (you) who is coming here ASKING for help? Why even ask if you know beforehand that any advice given you is just going to be...basically ignored, anyway? Not to say you shouldn't keep asking for help (not by a long shot, ask away) but you need to listen, too. You came here for help, many have provided it and, yet, you dont' seem willing to take advantage of any of the advice given to you. Please, open up with us Mac, it is okay for you to do so.

As for your "planning" you would be doing yourself no favors by jumping the hurdle of Plan A and skipping right on ahead to Plan B. There is no need for you to feel inhumane by putting Plan A into action, Plan A is much about showing your W what a great guy you are and making her see how wonderful it is to be with you (not to mention building up your own self while you're at it). Plan A comes "BEFORE" Plan B and that just happens to be the way it works and works the best. Yes, it will be hard, scary, uncomfortable (blah, blah, blah) but you are ALREADY in a hard, scary, uncomfortable place anyway so, really...what's the difference? If what you sincerely want is to try and save your marriage, what do you have to lose at this point?

Of course the last few months have been hell, Mac, that is to be expected and it can be expected for quite a while yet to come. After all, hell is what most people experience when their marriages start falling/fall apart. This "hell" is completely normal, your situation is nothing unique and neither is how you are feeling.

You are going through a VERY emotional time, Mac, and your feelings are letting you know it. Have you considered the possibility of anti-depressants to help you cope through these tough times? If not, it might be a good idea to at least speak to your doctor about it, many other folks here have done the same with the majority being glad they did.

If you were being a doormat in Plan A, Mac, then you must have been doing Plan A wrong; Plan A is not about being a doormat (and you can only be a doormat if you allow yourself to be one) it is about being the best H that you can possibly be without being "walked all over" in the process.

There you go; if you follow advice like this...heck, you'll probably "FEEL" better, too.

Ditto! :-)

(((Hugs to you Mac)))