My wife (we�ve been married for two years now), is having an affair with some ex-lover (a two night stand as I understand it.) This affair started in November of 09, and in December, when we went to renew our oath, she was incredibly happy doing so. Fast forward to January, when I started seeing her slowly slip away. Minor things like she would lie down in bed and look into her Iphone for hours, and it will be the last thing she would look at before going off to sleep and the first thing she�d look at in the morning.

I knew something was wrong.

In February, we went on a vacation to Costa-Rica, everything was great there, and was great for another week after we returned. Post about a week of returning from Costa Rica, she confessed to me her love for another man. Apparently, she met with him when I was away from here in November, and he currently lives in Sydney Australia, and we live in NYC, USA. I was devastated. And I panicked. We talked a lot, and she reached a conclusion that she�d stop contact with this person (This happened on the 17th of February.) Post this incident; I was still very much doubtful, since we started slipping away minute-by-minute, day-by-day. I gave her all the support I could, tried to talk to her in many ways. But I was unable to reach her � unable to reconcile with the infidelity. This continued on for some time, with major ups and downs every single day. Many nights, we both sat and cried, many nights, I just wanted to leave, many nights, but she stopped me from leaving.

On the 17th of April, we both decided that we needed to take a break from each other, and I decided to stay at a friends place for some time. We planned on meeting every Sunday evening. The 18th was a Sunday, and I went to meet with her � took her out for dinner. Before dinner, she said she was sorry for hurting me by asking me for a break.

At dinner, after we ordered some wine, she had tears in her eyes, and she told me that she was still thinking about this other guy, and wanted to go and see him in Sydney, and she was depressed because she was not able to see him. I threw a fit: I basically told her that if she wants to go see him, she could, but before she goes to see him, she should give me a divorce. I was livid. I was angry. I was upset. I was devastated. After that we did not speak for sometime, and in the mean time she left for France since her grandmother expired. She sent me an email that she was going to France and she was still not ready for a meeting. But said that she�d call once she returns.

This is when I bumped into your website.

On the 1st of May was my birthday, and she was not in the country�but I was hoping that she�d call, but she did not. She returned on the 3rd of May and still did not call. I called her on the 4th of May, and she said that she wants a separation � I politely asked her if she�d give us another 6 months, or if she is willing to go for counseling. She said, she did not want to, and that she was sorry. During the course of this phone conversation, we talked about all the things that we needed to sort out � one of them being her insurance. Since she does not have a job, she is reliant on me for the insurance � I told her that I�d keep her insurance until she finds a job. All this happened over the phone, and we haven�t seen each other face to face for since the 17th of April.

I am devastated: but also a little bit calmer.

My questions to you guys are:
What can I do to save this relationship?
Is it even savable?
I just don�t know what to do anymore, and I am lost, confused, and sad.

Please help me.

MAC:

I feel your pain. I really do. Not to mention the confusion. I'm sorry for all of that. It sucks.

I'll be right up front about my expertise in the saving department -- I have none. Currently, I reside in the "divorced/divorcing" forum, having been through divorce (marriage was 12 years, relationship 16) and now another breakup (5-year deal) that is proving even more emotional.

That being said, I do have experience with times like these and I think we often read into things and try to add them up so they make sense -- why a person would do this; why we would act like that, etc. We often get overcome by 2 things: fear and hope.

I mean, it reads like you are a considerate, relatively stable guy who has shown patience in a very trying time. Yes, you have had outbursts -- and what sane human being wouldn't in your sitch?

Thing is, you are confused. You don't know what to do. Maybe it would be good, if you can, to step back and think about what you want before delving full-bore into anything. Do you want to save the marriage? Do you want a divorce?

You are going to feel pain either way. That�s the reality.

- Lost

Mac, please press the "Notify" button to the bottom right and ask the moderators to move this thread to the "Surviving An Affair" forum. You'll get more answers there and they will be more on target with your question.

It would be helpful if you could provide the following information:

How old the two of you are.
How long you were together before you got married.
Are there any kids?
Is this the first marriage for both of you? One of you?
Have you read any of the Basic Concepts of the Marriage Builders site?

You might want to read the articles listed under the red box to the right labeled "Most Popular Links." Read Coping With Infidelity and the other related articles. You will need to know this information in order to understand the help you're going to get.

I'm sorry you're here. This is the club that no one wants to belong to. But the help you can get here is nothing short of phenomenal.

Good luck.

Mac, you've come to a great website to get help. Fred's given excellent advice about reading everything you can here. You also must have this thread to the Surviving an Affair board. Read what you can about adultery. You probably feel like your situation is completely unique. It is not. Not at all.

You can save this marriage. There are steps to take to do so. It might be the hardest thing you'll ever endure, but if you want to have a beautiful loving mutually satisfying marriage, you can do it with work and persuasion.

Only you can say whether your M is savable - that depends on how much you want it. If you're asking if she's too far gone - no, you're not divorced yet, and even then, marriages have been saved with MB.

I'm so sorry you're here. It's no fun.
By the way - you did nothing wrong. There is no excuse for what your wayward wife is putting you through. None whatsoever.

Opt

Mac - I see you've cross posted your original thread to the Affair Board. I'm glad you're getting the help you need there. It's confusing to have it in both places so have the mods delete this thread.
If anyone here would like to help Mac, look for his "crisis" thread over there.
opt