You said:

The victims of rape and the victims of infidelity have said the infidelity is worse.

Do you know this for fact? Is there anything on the internet regarding this? Links? Anyone else care to comment?

The reason I ask is my wife was raped and I'm the victim of her infidelity (see my post under BT64).

Thank you.

The reason I ask is my wife was raped and I'm the victim of her infidelity (see my post under BT64).[/b]

Thank you.

An affair is devastating to a betrayed spouse. It�s one of the most painful experiences that he or she could ever endure. In fact, most betrayed spouses cannot think of a single tragedy that is worse for them than the affair. Consider these examples (names have been changed to protect their identity)

* Nancy's father was murdered, her mother died of a very aggressive cancer in the same year. Both were very close to Nancy, and their sudden deaths were devastating to her. But she reported that the pain she suffered from her husband's affair was far more devastating.

* Cindy had been sexually molested by her father in her early teens. Yet her husband's one-year affair with a woman he met while away on business created far more trauma for her than her father's irresponsible behavior.

* Julie was raped by a stranger when she attended college. She told us that the rape paled in comparison to her struggle with her husband's two year affair with a female co worker.

* Robin was gang raped when she was twenty three. She reported that her husband�s one year affair with a woman he met at a local bar was much more difficult to overcome than the physical and emotional damage from the rape.

* Chad's six year old son died in a backyard accident. He said the pain he suffered from his wife's affair with a neighbor was far greater than the pain from his son's tragic death.

* Sylvia's younger sister was raped and murdered by a stranger when Sylvia was twenty one. But her husband's five month affair with a co-worker caused her to suffer more than the brutal death of her younger sister, whom she cared for deeply.

These are just a few of the testimonials that we have recorded when counseling victims of infidelity at the Marriage Builders Counseling Center. Scores of others have told me the same thing. A spouse's affair is the just about the worst experience in anyone's life.

After having counseled thousands of couples with hundreds of marital conflicts, I am completely convinced that a spouse's unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. Those I've counseled who have
had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse's unfaithfulness was their very worst experience. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once.

Since you've had an affair, I would imagine that your wife is very emotionally defensive about the subject. It's the worst experience of her life -- worse than the loss of her son five years ago. Can you imagine anything being that bad? Well, you did it to her, and she is suffering as a result. It's all she can do to remain rational. If she were to express herself emotionally at this point, she would probably be expressing deep feelings of hopelessness and catastrophic loss. By trying to be rational, she is able to focus on the practical side of the issue.

"We regard infidelity as the worst offense in marriage. More damaging than physical abuse. And when a couple goes through a period of time when their relationship is broken, and they are not meeting each other's emotional needs, infidelity is very common. Granted, we can even patch these marriages together when the incentive to reconcile (children) is present. But it would be much easier and much less painful if you and your husband never had to go through it.

BT:

Do not get caught up in "Who's pain is greater"

Dr Harley uses the "pain is greater from an affair Vs. rape", etc., to reveal just how horrible it can be to the party that has been abused.

Most waywards just think that it "was a fling" or "Just sex' or "not that big a thing"

Understanding that they just might have done something that would subject them to 20 years in jail, sometimes makes them stop and think....

But don't try to quantify this. Dr Harley has spoken to thousands of couples. The pain of the discovery of an A is hugely traumtic to the victim.

Your guage may be different than someone elses.

LG

bt, are you saying that your wife is getting caught up in "whose pain is the greatest"? Unlike lousygolfer, I didn't form the impression that it was you playing this game.

Is she saying that the affair is not as traumatic as the thing that would have earned 20 years in jail - the rape she suffered?

I don't think you should compete with her, and I think she is attempting to tell you that betraying you was NOT a 20-years-in-jail deal. Don't try to tell her how you feel, if this is what she is doing. I do not know whether former waywards ever realise what the BS goes through, but they will develop a sense of the horror of it all one day, if they ever develop a conscience and stop justifying and blame shifting.

BT:

Do not get caught up in "Who's pain is greater"

Dr Harley uses the "pain is greater from an affair Vs. rape", etc., to reveal just how horrible it can be to the party that has been abused.

Most waywards just think that it "was a fling" or "Just sex' or "not that big a thing"

Understanding that they just might have done something that would subject them to 20 years in jail, sometimes makes them stop and think....

But don't try to quantify this. Dr Harley has spoken to thousands of couples. The pain of the discovery of an A is hugely traumtic to the victim.

Your guage may be different than someone elses.

LG

Well said LG.

[es - that was a well said post. Ultimately, I believe my wife is in greater pain than I. She knows I know EVERYTHING....and I ultimately I think she will never get over the shame and guilt of what she did or the pain she has caused me.....she has pretty much said this in several letters she has written me. I guess only time will tell.

Since discovery she gets defensive if I try to be truthful with her or if I have a bad day or two...she reacts with 'I can't go on like this...it's affecting me physically...making me sick...I thought we were trying to move forward...etc..etc.).

(She) can't get past the guilt and shame.

If she is truly ashamed then she will focus her remorse on her VICTIM's pain instead of her OWN. That is selfish of her to be obsessed with her own self inflicted "pain" while her victim - who did nothing to deserve her assault - lies bleeding on the floor. She ain't too damn sorry if she ignores the bleeding victim on the floor and refuses to render aide and comfort.

If she is truly remorseful, she will focus on making amends to you, instead of worrying about her self. After all, you didnt volunteer for this, SHE DID. She DESERVES to feel pain, you don't.

Have you read this article about Just Compensation? here

[ I'm very sad......I don't know if you read my thread....