Yeah, a lotof IL do not want to take sides for fear of losing the WS because they already see the WS as the weak link they fear he might cut all contact if they take your side of the situation.
In reality by not saying anything they help the WS continue his A.
My MIL for example said that she was going to ask WH what drove him to the A and that he might have been unhappy.You see..that way they are feeding into the entitlement of the WS by approving their desire to be happy at all cost. Sometimes they do more damage than good. Well in my case I gave up on R the M and I am working on my personal R. But certainly IL can play a big part. Can you explain that to her?
blessing

I heard a great sermon about surrender this morning. He talked about Hannah and how she prayed for a son and that she would give him over to God for all his days. Our paster talked about how we have to give it all to him...that none of this has taken him by surprise.

Although, I'm working a plan....I will continue to lay my heart, worries, cares, concerns for the future and my marriage at his feet.

The part that makes me feel hopeless is that my husband has been unhappy for the last 10 years and he's just doing what he's wanted to do for a long time.....it's just this affair has given him the courage to take the leap. Their relationship may not make it, but I'm sure he won't return......and maybe that is best. It doesn't make it any less hurtful or embarrasing. I just pray that I will continue to make the right decisions.

Was he really unhappy for the last 10 years or is that just what he is saying NOW? Waywards always rewrite history in order to justify their affairs as in "I have been unhappy for 200 years!" when you have evidence that says the exact opposite. They tend to go back in history and make a comparison to the marriage and the affair and the marriage will always fall short when compared to a fantasy high of an affair.

It is like a heroin addict who, while high on his addiction, compares his past sober life and finds it lacking. The drug and his addiction colors his perspective. This is what waywards do, hence the "I have been unhappy for years."

Even so, that has never prevented reconciliation and recovery. We already knew he was unhappy or he probably wouldn't have had an affair. That is the rule rather than the exception. And it does not prevent reconciliation or recovery of your marriage.

This is why it is important to do a great Plan A before you go into Plan B. After you get him out, we will help you write up a Plan B letter which stipulates your willingness to address his unhappiness and RESOLVE IT. That will be the last thing you leave in his hands before you go black as night.

So I'm going to give him another letter?

Yes. BECAUSE you told him not to contact you in the last letter but he is still living there. We gave him the letter based on the belief that he would actually leave if you gave it to him. Of course, he was just bluffing and didnt follow through.

So, after you get him out and he is out for a couple of weeks, I would send it again and then go dark as night.

I'll be so glad when my parents get here; I need them so much. I worry about them since they are older. I just hope that one day I won't be a burden to them. It seems I have always been so needy in one way or another.

I can't beleive the pain i feel. i mean sometimes i feel strong and confident and other moments it feels as if the walls are coming in on me. I just wonder if I will ever feel happiness again.

Oh seriously, are we the same people? I had those same thoughts. I was even sad yesterday when I was in a joyful moment WITHOUT WH(because I am in Plan B of course). I caught myself being HAPPY for the first time in months and I was SURPRISED. I cried. I was sad for the life I had wanted.

You know what? I have faith in MB and DrH. I am doing what is BEST for ME and for my KIDDOS. I am going to get through this. Actually I AM getting through this. One step at a time. One day at a time. When Plan B is executed correctly, it can be POWERFUL to the BS. I don't give a HOOT what WH is doing because I DON'T HAVE A CLUE. And for me, that works.

I wish I could be as strong as you Scotland!!! I'm always struggling with my thoughts and feelings. How many children do you have? What do you tell them...especially when my husband will be telling them it's not true.

It's only because I have been doing this for so long. You'll get here. I promise that one day, you WILL get there. You WILL.

I have 2 boys. My eldest is 9(10 next month) and my youngest is 7. As far as what I told them, that was easy. I told them the TRUTH. This in a nutshell is what I told them. I told them, "Daddy is having an affair. That means that Daddy has a girlfriend. While you were growing up, Daddy and I have always taught you that having a girlfriend or boyfriend is wrong when you are married. Daddy is doing something very wrong. Daddy's girlfriend's name is (POSOW). Daddy is going to leave our home and he will be living with her. Mommy loves Daddy a lot and hopes that one day Daddy will come home. Even if Daddy doesn't, know that I will always be here for you. No matter what. POSOW is an enemy to our family. Know that you guys can always talk to me about anything. Make sure you tell Daddy how you feel."

I invite them to share with me any thoughts and feelings that they have. We have always been open with eachother. I tell them the truth in an age appropriate way for EVERYTHING. This helps in forging a lasting relationship of honesty. I slip sometimes too. But, I learn from my mistakes. I am HUMAN afterall.

Thanks for that info...I had a meeting with them tonight. THe 7 year old is not sure what's going on really. The older ones wanted to know how I was sure, etc. I gave them limited evidence, but I told them her name and that one day they would see her and I wanted them to remember that she is the reason for this disaster.

He's been gone for good....left Friday and hasn't called or texted me. He told the kids he would be back on Sunday, but not here...big surprise. He did call my daughter this morning and asked how things were at home before she left...she told him she didn't know because she left shortly after he did. I guess he's fishing for information.

I want to tell him my plans for tomorrow, but maybe I should just keep quiet....any suggestions.

What do you mean? You want to tell him about filing? If that's it, NO NO NO.

You would be surprised how much of it your 7yr old will understand. DS7 said, "We should call the judge. Daddy needs to go to jail." I had to explain that although it was wrong, it wasn't against the law. Tehehehe kids are GREAT.

Ok, I won't say anything...just let him find out? I probably won't see him if I can help it. I can see I'm going to be up late tonight...I actually took a nap today, so I'm going to be up late. I was able to eat breakfast and lunch, but not dinner. I'm amazed at when I actually feel like eating and when i don't.

Oh, my 7 year old has special needs....he has trouble with comprehension and he's bipolar. We have him on meds and he just qualified for services on the academic level. My daughter is very worried about having to move...she doesn't want to leave her friends and a new boyfriend. She got very upset with the idea of this. I told her I had no intention of moving at the moment, but this could happen in the future. I wish I could go home to my parents, but things just can't work out that way right now. I would have to live over there for 90 days before I could file over there.....that's impossible.

It will get better. You know what? I hated it when people said that to me 4.5 months ago. All I would say is, "It's only been 3 days." But they were right. I knew they were. I just needed to get through it.

Well, since you are gonna be up late anyways, why not read my thread? Oh I love me. HAHAHAHAHA

Have I given you the link to Mimi's thread yet? Someone bumped it for me and it was absolutely what I needed.

Mimi

Okay, now I get it.

Poor DD. This has got to be hard for her too. Have you told them that they can tell your WH all of their feelings about this? That they SHOULD tell them what they are feeling?

hope, I don't think you should tell him anything because I think he will try and outflank you. You need the advantage of the element of surprise. And I would most definitely have him served AT WORK so the other teachers and that skankho OW can see it.

I guess I will do it at work as I don't know where else they could find him....I have no idea where he is tonight??? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't come in from the lake;he would want to rest and be easy for work tomorrow.

In addition to all this crud, my principal began losing it last week at school doing strange things like letting students out of class and letting them be out of dress code. People started talking and admin came out and made her go home for a long weekend. Her husband is in Iraq and she has two small children. Anyway, she was arrested last night and now our school is in a mess with this controversy. I will just be glad when this school year is over.

WOW! What was she arrested for?

public intoxication and she left her children alone in the hotel room....they are 2 and 5.