I've been reading posts and info on this site for several weeks. So many of you seem to have it all together ...
Here's my story, I'll try to abbreviate it ...
Me - 39
WH - 38
Married 11 - Together 17
Twins - 6
Starting fall 2009, I had suspected my H was having A. I questioned and OF COURSE, he denied, even making me feel guilty for accusing. Fast forward to March 2010 ... saw a text on his phone "Where R U?" -- I feel like that text is ingrained in my brain forever. So I started snooping around, watching his calls. I noticed a pattern ... finally Apr 3, 2010, it all came to a head. I told him what I knew. He then told me it was over between them and it had only been going on for a few weeks, etc. Fast forward a couple days ... his dad gets a call for a lung transplant. So here I am comforting WH through this all when the sight of him and the sound of his voice are repulsive to me. I can't believe all of this is happening at once. (I promised to stand by this family until his dad recovered.) While at the hospital, I ended up telling his sister about his A. Then she says that he was talking to someone on the phone while we were at the hospital. So I had no choice but to call OW and tell her to leave my H alone. (I am thinking OW knows nothing about our family and what we were going through right now -- an A for a few weeks, right?) OW then proceeds to tell me the truth ... they had been together for a YEAR and he loved her and he told her our marriage was over and it had been for a long time. WOW -- I had my eyes opened after that one. So I confronted WH with my new found knowledge. He didn't deny. I told him he had a choice to make. He chose to try to save our marriage. So I made him call OW in front of me and break it off.
I went through a period of a few weeks where I couldn't think straight, all I did was cry, I couldnt eat or sleep. I was a total wreck. I had never felt such devistation. I had so many emotions going on at once.
Fast forward to today... I am stil having bad days, but not as bad as before. He refuses to answer my questions about A. His response is "I know, I screwed up. Can't you just leave it alone? Why do you have to constantly drill me? If this is what life is going to be like, maybe I'd rather be alone.", etc. I have been WAY more than kind through this whole thing. He's not a talker about feelings, he never has been, but I feel like I have the right to some answers. I know who OW is -- know she is a friend's sister-in-law and know her phone number. Nothing else. he wont' even answer me if she was divorced or her age.

And how about this ... I begged for a sincere apology ... more than "I'm sorry, I screwed up" ... and his response was "so now I have to give a speech?" UM, YES ... that's the least you can do. Never heard it yet.

He said that she threatened to tell me about them if he left her. And that he was hoping she would find someone else and he'd just come right back to me as if nothing happened ... WTF ????

I know he would never agree to any kind of counseling. I gave him excerpts of Joseph's letter as well as some other things I've found useful on this site.

Sometimes I just want to go back to my "normal" life -- before I found all of this out. Can a marriage be saved if I am the only one trying? He knows he's under a microscope now and I have made it VERY clear that if I even suspect something, it's over.
I just don't know where to get my answers. Or should I just forget about the questions and try to move on ... mabye I don't really want to know the gory details.

I have not told anyone in my family. I don't want them to have hatred toward WH since we are trying to make a go of this marriage. Does telling people make you feel better?

I feel like I am rambling...
I am thankful for this site and for all of the information I have gotten from it. I can't believe that as I read the posts, the emotion is exactly what I am feeling.

FeelingHurt10

Welcome to Marriage Builders! Sorry your here under these circumstances. The weekends are kinda slow so please be patient with responses.

This may be a good time to read about the Basic Concepts of this site. You can use this or it is at the top center of the page in the red near the center.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html



I CAN'T STRESS IT ENOUGH-READ-READ-READ AND POST QUESTIONS.
FROM THE READING AND POSTING VETRANS WILL COME ALONG AND HELP YOU TO FORMULATE A PLAN WITH WHAT DIRECTION YOU WANT TO GO IN THIS M.

NESRE

I will definately keep reading.

I am so confused with all this pain, betrayal and devistation. I am glad I found this board -- I understand that I am not the only one having these same feelings.

Welcome to MB, FH10. I am sorry that you are hurting but you are in the best possible place considering your unfortunate circumstances.

Your WH made a conscious choice to committ adultery. Now the choice is yours. You drive the recovery bus. Read all of the material on this site and carefully consider under what conditions you will remain in your M after such a betrayal. Once you decide that, you have to be sure that you are prepared to follow through. Do not forgive too quickly.

MB counseling, complete disclosure of all A details that you request and total transparency in your M would be a good start. Do a reverse phone look up online with her phone number. Exposure is your best tool to insure that NC remains in place. When a WS has no consequences for adultery, they are more likely to do it again. False recoveries are no fun.

God's Blessings,

Say

Welcome, fh. Sorry you're here. Like nesre said, the weekends are a little slow on the boards, so take this time to read the articles here.

You are newly betrayed. Expect a real rollercoaster ride while you heal. I am 15 months into recovery with a totally repentent FWH (formerly wayward husband). Only in the past couple of months has the rollercoaster ride slowed down for me. Recovery may well take a few years, accept that. I'm sorry.

And your WH is going to have to help you. Sounds like he's failing in that department right now.

Also, and this is BIG: how do you know the A is over? Are you snooping? Do they work together?

FH10:

Sorry you have to be here.

Your WH is protecting his OW.

And this, moreso than anything else is KILLING you.

A little actual remorse would be good too.

Real sweet of him to be on the phone with OW at the hospital, huh?

He doesn't get IT. If he does, you have a marriage worth saving. If he doesn't, then you waiting for the next A to happen.

So, he "doesn't like to talk about his feelings" and "is it going to be a grilling?" Yes. It IS. Until YOU find out what you need to know. And when HE releases all the secrets, all the confidences, all the shared little things that make them "asoulmates"

MB is about being a soulmate with your SPOUSE. And it can be become that way.

This is the story of my D-Day>>> Curtains for LG

If you read my thread, you will find out what happens when the WH DOES come clean. How a M can be rebuilt after an A.

Stick around. You can learn what you need to learn to get your WH to reveal what you need to know.

You have discovered that he can hurt those he is closest too, and doesn't even have to say "He's Sorry" in any proper way. That is a REAL scary person to have in your house.

And if that doesn't change..... Then that isn't much of a marriage is it?

LG

FH, there is a very strict path to recovery and if it is not followed, there will be no recovery. I would read this letter to Dr Harley from a BS who was experiencing nightmares because her H was still withholding the details of the affair from her. I will post the link.

Is the OW married? If so, has her H been told by you of the affair? Everyone should know about his affair.

Requirements for Recovery

Exposure

[quote=MelodyLane I would read this letter to Dr Harley from a BS who was experiencing nightmares because her H was still withholding the details of the affair from her. I will post the link.


[/quote]

The woman in this letter is me. The letter is still the biggest trigger that I have. It takes me right back to where I was when I wrote it and that was about six months after D-day. Today I chose not to read it. This is the first time that I have had the will power not to go back there.

I pray that my grief and anxiety and Dr Harley's advice is helpful to all those who read it. If so, the trigger is worth it. It was the beginning of the R that we have experienced up to this point although still not 100% MB. Don't repeat my mistakes, FH10.

God's Blessings,

Say

You need to snoop and dig up all the information you can on OW and follow the exposure plan. I was sleeping 10 hours a week and lost 15 - 20 lbs when I found of WW's A so what you are feeling, thinking and going through is pretty common. You cannot believe anything your H says right now.

I feel like I cannot do this: the last 3 months has been HELL, terrible hell. I just started a stable job, dont want to screw up everything for myself. I remember, I used to sit in my office and cry. I would land up late for meetings, I would come late to work. I was a mess. I cant be a mess anymore. I have to take care of myself. The last 3 months, I was on Plan A, being a doormat. I cant be that way any more.

Already you all have helped me tremendously. Just being able to get my feelings out there where someone can indentify with them is a relief.

I tried the reverse phone lookup -- Thanks, Verizon -- OW cell information is not available even with paid sites.

They don't work together -- he works for his family's business. But that is how they first met, through his work(OW told me that) and she is his friend's sister-in-law. WH is a realtor (so SEVERAL strange phone numbers on his cell). WH showed OW a house ... that's all I know.

As for snooping ... I am obsessive over it. I tear our entire house apart at least 3 days a week looking for a receipt, a scrap of paper, anything. I have even gone out to rummage through his vehicle in the middle of the night. I check his cell every night -- but he has gotten wise and he started erasing things once D-day came.

I also lost 15 lbs in about 3 weeks. I was so sick in my stomach. Just recently beginning to be able to eat again. There were times I could hardly breathe. I wondered if I was having a heart attack, panic attack or nervous breakdown. Maybe just a severely broken heart.

THIS IS HARD !!!!! This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. If it wasn't for my precious kids whom I do not want to get hurt in all of this, I don't know if I could try so hard for this M.

Do you ever contact the OW? I find myself wanting to call or text her. Maybe for answers ... maybe because I am so very angry I can't think straight.

I need to pull myself together.

I printed out some things from the response to the nightmare letter and I will have WH read them.

I HAVE to go out of town tonight, overnight.(It wasn't my going out of town that lead to the A --- they would meet in the day ... or when I was home ... didn't matter.)
About my going out of town ...
WH said to me: "do you trust me?"
Me: Should I?
WH: You should, but do you?
Me: Well your a$$ is under a microscope now, so maybe I can trust you.
WH : I know. You probably have people following me and taking pictures.
Me: Silence --- (maybe I do ... he'll never know)

I just don't want to ever have to go through this again. If I do, I don't think I can keep my composure like I have this time.

Thanks again to all of you wonderful people.

Hey FH,

I can't give you an apples-to-apples comparison, but it may help. (I am a BH....) Anyways, I DID contact OM. I talked to him for about 40 minutes. I told him who I was and my first question out of the box was, "OM, what are your intentions for my wife?" And then I shut up. And I let him talk.

I had notes for what I wanted to say and what I wanted to ask. And then I wrote down his responses.

I let him know that I was FIGHTING for my M and my FAMILY.....

I made it clear to him that he was a THREAT to my M and my family....

FH, the KEY, though, is being calm. Keeping the call going. GETTING INFORMATION. GIVING INFORMATION. Letting him know what he was doing to a family and a long-running marriage. Sure it was hard. I knew 'Skatt' would find out, and she sure as heck did. And she came at me with every weapon in her arsenal. She said she was filing for D IMMEDIATELY. She said she'd take me for everything I had. She was madder than a cat in a bubblebath. This was in August 2009. But do you know what, FH? She hasn't filed. She hasn't taken me for everything. Yes, I haven't achieved marital recovery, BUT I took a stand. I stood up for myself and took action. I did it in a way of which I could be proud. I'm just saying that you shouldn't necessarily be worried about the venom that will come your way. Your immune system will fight it off. Mine did....

I got A LOT of mileage out of that phone call.

Maybe you can get A LOT out of yours......

TB

FH, traveling apart is an invitation to an affair. If you are interested in affair proofing your marriage, I would end that practice.

And I would tell him that you don't trust him. He is untrustworthy. It would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person. Trust has to be EARNED. It is not an welfare entitlement.

Do you have the OW's full name and address? I would get that from your H and find out if she is married. If she is married,, the affair needs to be exposed to her H.

Contacting the OW would do NO GOOD. She will LIE. It will HURT you MORE.

When you say that you don't want your children to be hurt from this, you do understand that they already are but that it wasn't by YOU. It was by your WH's actions. What you will be doing by telling them is helping them to understand what is going on in their own house, in their own family. They NEED to be told. They DESERVE to be told. You will tell them in an age appropriate way, but you should tell them, as part of your exposure.

Is he still erasing things from his phone? Can you check the cell bill online to check the phone calls and text message log? What service do you have?

I am definitely concerned about his attitude. Have you considered asking him to take a poly to make sure he has really ended this A?

FH, the affair is still ongoing, I am afraid. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. He is hiding something.

My suggestion would be to get the name of the OW from him and perhaps hire a private investigator. If you can't afford that, then put a GPS on his car and put spyware on his cell phone and computer. A voice activated recorder in his car would help too. A PI would be the fastest, most efficient method, though. Spying 102

I had 3 questions about the A that I asked WH last night. Which, by the way, ended up in a HUGE blow-out. He refuses to tell me her name. His reasoning is that he thinks I am going to an attorney and will have her appear on the stand ?!?! I dont' know what I'd want her to say. He wanted to talk to his cousin who is an attorney before he gave me an answer. I said forget it -- I saw where I stood. I asked him why he is protecting OW. He said he's not. After thinking about it ... he's protecting HIMSELF. Because that's all he seems to care about.

Then he proceeded to tell me that if this was how it was going to be for the rest of his life (with me "interrogating" him and drilling him and being upset all of the time) then he would be better off alone.

Here's the best one ... he said that if our marriage was going to survive, then I had to trust him. WHAT ?!?! Don't think I'm making that mistake again!!!! I told him if our marriage was to survive he was going to have to EARN my trust and that wasn't going to be easy -- AT ALL!

I have printed out page after page after page trying to show him that this is what I NEED from him IF he wants to make our marriage work (honesty, answers, apology, transparency) and he refuses to acknowledge most of it.

He says he wants our marriage to work ... but saying and doing are two different things, I am afraid. For him, when the going gets tough, he gets going ... that is what led to the A in the first place. Instead of coming to me and talking things out, he runs ... this time it was to another woman. We can't talk about anything that is a touchy subject.

I fear my situation looks bleak. I am not going to give up just yet though. This is still pretty new and my feelings are pretty raw. I don't want to give him an easy out though. I don't want him to think that what he has done is just going to be swept under the rug and forgiven/forgotten.

Thanks for letting me vent.

FH-You did well in standing up for what you want in your marriage. The thing about trying to educate him, it will become a huge love buster right now.

It's funny that you talk about thinking your sitch looking bleak. I remember feeling the same way. I also remember people like Bliss telling me that they thought it was salvagable. You know what? I believe them now. I also believe yours is too. You CAN do this.