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So to continue, BT,
How do you feel about your WW's reaction to your down moments and days? Do you think that she has been focused on helping you?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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So to continue, BT,
How do you feel about your WW's reaction to your down moments and days? Do you think that she has been focused on helping you? No. For example.. I had a rough time one day...went to the bedroom...was crying...laid down and fell asleep. When I woke up she was angry..asked 'what about me? can i just go lay down when i'm having a rough time?'. In general, if I seem sad, moody, or angry...she takes it personally....she has never tried to comfort me with a hug or loving gesture. wait...there was one time i was having a breakdown....she hugged me...only because i asked her to. its strange...since she has been in IC she seems to believe that its somehow (partly) my fault for what happened....she even mentioned it after one of her IC sessions - quote (her therapist say) 'since he has something to do with it'.
Me, BH - 45
WW - 41
M - 11 yrs
3 Daughters (8, 8, 3)
DDay- 12/21/09
Multiple EAs and PAs
Currently both in IC
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Is it this lack of care that makes you say you are leaving?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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yes. i haven't seen any true remorse from her by her actions.
Me, BH - 45
WW - 41
M - 11 yrs
3 Daughters (8, 8, 3)
DDay- 12/21/09
Multiple EAs and PAs
Currently both in IC
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BT, can you bring me up to speed? Did you follow the advice given here and expose her affairs to everyone? I read the first 5 pages of debate over whether you were going to do it or not and gave up?
Did you expose? I am asking because if you DID, I will try and help you. If you didn't, I won't bother.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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no..i didn't expose. she isn't cheating anymore and i'm not sure if exposing right now is the right thing to do.
Me, BH - 45
WW - 41
M - 11 yrs
3 Daughters (8, 8, 3)
DDay- 12/21/09
Multiple EAs and PAs
Currently both in IC
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EXPOSE! You do not know that she ISN'T cheating.
I quit. I'm going to stick to other boards; these BSs who refuse to expose have me on my last nerve.
I'll leave this to you, Mel, I don't like explaining til I'm blue in the face why exposure is GOOD.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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no..i didn't expose. she isn't cheating anymore and i'm not sure if exposing right now is the right thing to do. Yes, it is the right thing to do. And she will cheat again if you don't. There isnt much we can do if you don't expose her affairs. Here is what Dr Harley wrote to another BS over on the weekend forum: Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on your husband's willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Your resentment, defensiveness, and questions regarding the wisdom of staying in your marriage are all very reasonable -- unless your husband makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a husband. As your husband proves himself to you, your resentment will fade, and your questions will be answered. But if he keeps giving you evidence that nothing has changed, your defensiveness won't change, either. Kim will help both of you sort things out because she is very aware of what it will take to reconcile. Your husband still has a way to go. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2330466#Post2330466
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This was written to a WW whose affair was long over: Our policy for years has been to tell all family members on both sides of the family about an affair. Time after time, people who have followed our advice have reported that it helped clear the air, and it also helped restore trust. Right now, anything you can do to help your husband restore his trust in you would be extremely important. Tell your parents right away.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have to agree, I made my hubby expose his sexual behavior to his parents, grandmom, and sister, the whole thing (even his encounters with men) I did spare him from the man thing with neighbors, friends, coworkers, but still told them all about him having affairs with multiple peoples. He admits now that it was what he needed. To allow him to hide, lends enablement to his "dirty secret" He needs to be totally transparent, and have NOWHERE to hide. So if that means everyone in his life should know then so be it. The same should go for you. I think if maybe you did expose her, maybe then you will see if she truely has any remorse or feelings of resntment. My hubby has started IC,going to church, being 100% involved with the family again, and being TOTALLY transparent. Gave me full access to all his accounts and deleted some , put gps on his cellphone, always can account for everywhere he has been and everycall he has made. I dont know if its enough yet, I am still dealing with this and having my own problems coping, but I can tell you if you BOTH arent in it to make it work, it wont. I think you need to expose and see what happens. Maybe that will be the WAKEUP call she needs and she will be more remorsefull and want to participate more in the recovery efforts. God Bless you I am so sorry we are in this situation!
Me: BW 35
Him: WH 36
DD: 7
DS: 1yr. M: 12yrs
DDay: Feb 10 2010
**Always speak your mind.....even if your voice shakes**
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BT,
If you are not willing to EXPOSE, then there is little anyone here can do for you and there is little point in you being here (no offense). You have heard the same advice from multiple veterans here and from Dr. Harley himself as quoted. If my personal detailed story from earlier on the inevitable results of "putting your head in the sand" regarding snooping & exposure does not persuade you, then I don't know what will.
Why be on MB.com if you are not willing to follow MB principles?
xWW:
Secret LTA w/ thrice married OM at her workplace; EA/PA starts ~ 2005-6
Files & completes D - 2007, OM/OMW#3 D - 2007, Affairage - immediately thereafter
Disappears in 2006 w/o even a goodbye to anyone, Never a paragraph of real truth ever spoken
Me/xBH:
M "for life", Suspicions (denied) & desperate Plan A latter-half '06
1st D-day 1/07, full truth D-day 7/08 (all via 3rd parties)
NC w/ xWW 8/08-date, better off w/o unrepentant vileness, betrayal, & rampant deceit in my life anymore
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