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This is all so new and painful.
On the 20th of March, I encouraged him to go to another state to celebrate his birthday with his daughter. He and the mother were never married...and from all he has told me, it was a one night stand in which she got pregnant (32 years ago). She didn't tell him of the pregnancy until after the birth of the child. Then anytime they would get together for any events in her life, they would get into large fights and he would leave and not see them for many years. She was very heavy into drugs..and is now supposedly clean.
OK, fast forward to 5 years ago. Not long after we got together, he said to me one day...I sure wish I knew where my daughter was. I went on the internet and found her for him. A couple of times we have gone there to visit. This last time, the invite was sent to us, but I had to work. I encouraged him to go without me...thinking our love was very secure. BIG mistake!!! Somehow in 48 hours of him being there, they "made a connection".
This has been a total surprise to me. The day before he left, he was normal...the day he came back, he was different. He has always treated me like the most cherished person on earth. We do tons of things together. We have had a rough winter, just not able to do anything fun, but nothing drastic.
The week after he came home, I finally got him to tell me about the fact that they had made this connection. Then for 2 weeks, he was "trying to work it out in his head". Then he decided he was going up there again. Now he has moved to the motel (we live in a VERY small town) and day before yesterday, she came down here and is staying with him at the motel.
I have looked all over to find something that can tell me how to get past all of this. I PRAY continuously for a miracle...for him to come home, tell me it was all a big mistake..and our life can move on. But I sure don't see that happening anytime in the near future.
Last week, he told me things weren't going so good up there and that we could work to getting back together. This week, she is here. Last night, I happened to meet them driving..and I kind of lost it. I followed them to the store and after he came out, I said "How would you like it if I were doing this?" He answered, "It would hurt!" I said, yeah, it does!!!
Then I txted her and told her that I hoped she was proud to be seen out with MY HUSBAND! Everyone in town is calling her a home wrecker! I have God and marriage vows on my side...what does she have?
Then I txted him and told him that I couldn't believe he was doing this to me in PUBLIC and that I didn't deserve this. I have always told him that when we married it was for life and I am not changing my mind. I also told him I am dropping him from all the insurances. (He has several health problems...and needs to take a lot of meds. We had talked about this before...he doesn't care) Then I told him I wasn't sure I wanted him to come home anymore..the man I love has integrity..and obviously, he doesn't!!!
What do I do NOW??!?! I am devastated, hurt, cry all the time. Last night was only the second time in all of this that I was angry! HELP!!!
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Gerrc21 Just want to say welcome to Marriage Builders. I am not a vetran here and would not be the best source to help at this point. I do know there is a ton of information and Scotland put a lot of it all nice and neatly into this post. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240Read-Read-Read and Post with questions. Again welcome. You will find the support here with your situation. Keep with us. There is a lot more traffic on the board during the week days. Nesre
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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gerrc I am so sorry that you are here. There are a few questions that we need answered by you. They are in that thread that Nesre linked for you(thanx Nesre).
You are going to expose this affair to the light of day and it looks like your WH has started that process for you. You are going to want to do this all in one day. Does your family know? Does HIS family know? Do you know enough about OW to know her parent's or family's contact info. Does she have a Facebook page?
You can do this, if you want to.
Welcome.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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This is all so new and painful.
On the 20th of March, I encouraged him to go to another state to celebrate his birthday with his daughter.
He and the mother were never married...and from all he has told me, it was a one night stand in which she got pregnant (32 years ago).
DID YOU EVER VERIFY THIS?
She didn't tell him of the pregnancy until after the birth of the child.
DID YOU EVER VERIFY THIS?
Then anytime they would get together for any events in her life, they would get into large fights and he would leave and not see them for many years. She was very heavy into drugs..and is now supposedly clean.
WAS THIS ALL INFORMATION FROM YOUR H?
OK, fast forward to 5 years ago.
WHAT WAS THE SITUATION DURING THIS TIME. THIS DOES NOT ADD UP. WAS H MARRIED IN BETWEEN???
Not long after we got together, he said to me one day...I sure wish I knew where my daughter was. I went on the internet and found her for him. A couple of times we have gone there to visit. This last time, the invite was sent to us, but I had to work. I encouraged him to go without me...thinking our love was very secure. BIG mistake!!!
WOULD DAUGHTER BE ABOUT 27 YEARS OLD? WHY WAS OW EVEN INVOLVED IN THIS? WAS HE THERE TO SEE OW OR DD?
Somehow in 48 hours of him being there, they "made a connection".
This has been a total surprise to me. The day before he left, he was normal...the day he came back, he was different. He has always treated me like the most cherished person on earth. We do tons of things together. We have had a rough winter, just not able to do anything fun, but nothing drastic.
The week after he came home, I finally got him to tell me about the fact that they had made this connection. Then for 2 weeks, he was "trying to work it out in his head". Then he decided he was going up there again. Now he has moved to the motel (we live in a VERY small town) and day before yesterday, she came down here and is staying with him at the motel.
WW'S CAN BE COMPARED TO STUMBLING DRUNKS ONCE IN THE GRIPS OF AN A.
I have looked all over to find something that can tell me how to get past all of this. I PRAY continuously for a miracle...for him to come home, tell me it was all a big mistake..and our life can move on. But I sure don't see that happening anytime in the near future.
BEING RADICALLY HONEST WITH YOU...PROBABLY WONT HAPPEN. A STUMBLING DRUNK DOES NOT USUALLY GIVE UP THEIR "FIX" EASILY. IT TAKES PLANNING READING AND WORK
TO BREAK THE INTOXICATED HIGH FEELING HE IS NOW EXPERIENCING FROM THE A.
Last week, he told me things weren't going so good up there and that we could work to getting back together. This week, she is here. Last night, I happened to meet them driving..and I kind of lost it. I followed them to the store and after he came out, I said "How would you like it if I were doing this?" He answered, "It would hurt!" I said, yeah, it does!!!
Then I txted her and told her that I hoped she was proud to be seen out with MY HUSBAND! Everyone in town is calling her a home wrecker! I have God and marriage vows on my side...what does she have?
Then I txted him and told him that I couldn't believe he was doing this to me in PUBLIC and that I didn't deserve this. I have always told him that when we married it was for life and I am not changing my mind. I also told him I am dropping him from all the insurances. (He has several health problems...and needs to take a lot of meds. We had talked about this before...he doesn't care) Then I told him I wasn't sure I wanted him to come home anymore..the man I love has integrity..and obviously, he doesn't!!!
What do I do NOW??!?! I am devastated, hurt, cry all the time. Last night was only the second time in all of this that I was angry! HELP!!!
PLEASE JUST SETTLE BACK AND REALIZE THIS WILL TAKE SOME TIME. THE BETTER YOU PLAN THE BETTER THE RESULTS MAY BE. A LOT OF THIS DEPENDS ON WHAT DIRECTION YOU WANT TO GO. FROM WHAT I READ IN YOUR POST IT APPEARS YOU WANT TO TRY AND SALVAGE THE M. THAT WILL TAKE A LOT OF HARD WORK ON YOUR PART AND SOME OF THE ADVISE WILL SEEM TO GO AGAINST YOUR NATURAL INSTINCTS. TRUST THE VETRANS HERE. THEY HAVE HELPED A LOT OF PEOPLE THROUGH THESE TYPES OF SITUATIONS AND HAVE A LOT OF TOTAL COMBINED EXPERIENCE. COULD YOU GIVE US A LITTLE MORE INFORMATION ? CHILDREN TOGETHER YEARS MARRIED AGES THANKS. I FORGOT IN THE FIRST POST TO SAY I AM SORRY YOU FIND YOURSELF HERE. NESRE
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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Nesre, She could be READING. It is what my thread suggests. Be patient. 
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I have been reading. Sorry I didn't answer sooner.
This is actually kind of complicated, so bear with me. This is my 3rd marriage. I married VERY young, and after 15 years, decided the grass was greener somewhere else, divorced and married my 2nd husband, after going to college for 2 years.
Then, my second husband and I worked really hard at having a good marriage..but we would fight continuously over HIS children. They had a lot of issues, and it was hard to deal with. After the kids grew and moved out, my husband decided it was time he left too. We ended up divorcing also.
While we were in the midst of breaking up, my present husband was a huge comfort to me. He was my 2nd husbands good friend, so we had been friends too. He, at the time, had a gf that he had been with off and on for 20 years. Their's was a very turmoultuous (sp) relationship too. Many fights and he even went to jail because she beat him up.
We have been together 5 years last week and in 2 weeks will be married 3.
We do not have any children together. He has a daughter, 32 and a grandson, 17. He is 54.
I am 52 and have a daughter, 32 (who has a daughter, 6) and a son, 29. I also have 2 step-daughters, from my second marriage, 27 (with a daughter, 4) and 25 (with a son, 8 and a son, 4)
The OW's family already knows about her and my husband. The only person condoning it is their daughter. I guess I have never tried to question anyone about their story of how their relationship was. I asked a friend that knew them back then..and she said if they went out twice, it would have been a miracle. They only ever faught!! She does have FB..but I don't go there very often anymore.
My family if very aware of all of this too. You see, the town we live in only has about 800 people. They ALL know what he is doing and to a person, are just SHOCKED!! His boss is a very Christian man..and is not happy either. He told my husband that he would not be allowed to bring her out to the field.
As for the invite to this birthday bash, the daughter lives with her mother. Both of their birthdays are within days of my husbands. We had gone up there one other time and the 3 of them celebrated their birthdays together...but I was there. We have actually been up there twice. That is why I didn't have a problem letting him (I actually encouraged him..yeah, how stupid was that!!!) go up there for 1 night by himself.
I so do want to save our marriage. I don't want to let stupidity on his part mess up the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have become much closer to God in the years since I was stupid and divorced my first husband. And even closer after my second husband left. I am so sorry for the pain I caused my first husband...and it didn't take this to make me realize what an idiot I had been...but it sure is putting it out there to the forefront.
OK, something that I see as I'm reading this is that with his past relationships, there was a lot of fighting. I only KNOW about his last relationship, the others are just from what he has told me. That is something we havene't done. The only thing he would ever be angry with me about is my 2nd ex. He felt I would try to help him out too much. We have discussed that and I had told him that I wouldn't have any contact with him. This was before he went for the birthday party!
OK...any more questions, just ask. Thanks so much for any help!
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Another thing, the week that he made the second trip up to see her to try to "make his decision", I had some stuff happen that I am believing are signs that I am supposed to be strong, trust in God, and not divorce my husband.
The first thing that happened was..I get a bible study on my email. On the first morning he was gone, I opened it and it was talking about marriage vows and how we need to work really hard to keep them. My thought was, yeah right!! How am I gonna do that??
The second morning, I opened it and it was telling me how God hates divorce. I get in the shower and say, "OK, God, you are talking to the wrong person here. I am not the one trying to destroy my marriage"!!
Then that same day, I had picked up a magazine, and as I am reading thru the magazine, there was an article about using prayer and asking for miracles for your marriage.
Now just yesterday, I was feeling it was time to give up. But, the very first thing on my email was titled "Don't give up!!"
I know this all sounds weird. And maybe I am sticking my head in the sand...but I just can't give up yet. When we stood in front of our family and God and made those promises, I sure meant them. And I sure thought he meant them.
Just a month or so before we were married, my daughter asked him why we were getting married when he had several relationships in his life...and had never gotten married. He told her that the reason he wanted to marry me was because I complete him. We have so much in common. I make him content.
OK, so what happened to all that???
One more thing, I told you that he has several health problems. One of those is his thyroid. His levels have been VERY low this winter, and the Dr says that may be contributing to his unhappiness. What do you think about that????
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Was your 2nd marriage an affairage too?
I am sorry that you are here. I don't think I am capable of helping you through this. I am truly sorry. Have you given any thought to calling the coaching canter?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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No. My second marriage came 2 years after I was divorced, moved to another state and got my college degree!
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Is your second H remarried? Have you ever apologized to him for your affair that broke up your M?
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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My second husband is in a relationship and it was him that had the multiple affairs. My present husband and I were only friends until AFTER my second husband left me the first time. Then when my second husband decided to try again, we broke it off, and didn't get back together until after he left me for good.
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the week that he made the second trip up to see her to try to "make his decision", gerrc21, He will NEVER "make his decision" because he isn't trying to "decide" between the two of you. Like virtually every cheater, he wants to have BOTH. And he is hoping that he can somehow pressure you into going along with this. He is hoping that he can normalize this situation - that's why he's rubbing it in your face and being public about it - and that you will cave in and just learn to tolerate it rather than lose him altogether. Again: He will NEVER "make a decision" because he has already made his decision. He wants both of you and he will drag this out as long as he possibly can. The only one who will ever "make a decision" is you. If you want this wretched situation to end, you will have to expose this to everyone and you will almost certainly have to go to Plan B. If you decided to tolerate it, you will be sitting on the second-string bench and settling for crumbs and leftovers while your WH happily shuttles back and forth between the two of you. If you wait for him to "decide", you will be waiting forever.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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It sounds like your Husband is up to his old tricks so-to-speak.. I will explain.
In his past relationships he was prone to argue correct? This woman he is seeing now also had emotional issues like drug abuse and used to fight with him also right?
Even though WH has found something in you that he understands is more real love than his past "ahem" passionate love/hate relationships. He got drawn back in, or should I say allowed himself to be drawn back into a Toxic relationship.
As Mulan has stated, he will try to have both, you his comfort and sorta a "mommy" and her his little "party-girl". I assume her morality is questionable anyways and maybe is part of the attraction.
All you can do is stand up for yourself and what you know God says is right about marriage. His affair stems from his own imagination of what love is and he has problems with being passionate without extreme circumstances surrounding the relationship.
He is getting high on the adrenaline rush and how "bad" he can be with the old flame. The poor duaghter, I feel for her also, she is a victim.
There will be veterans coming along who will have more insight and solid advice for you on what you should do and in what order.
First of all know you are not alone and there is great help and hope here. Our most important concern right now is that you take care of yourself so your WHs childish actions do not damage your self-image. We know it hurts. We know you can get thru it.
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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He actually told me while he was up there that he had decided. He told me that his decision was to try the relationship with her. He has moved out. He is living at the motel. (Now with her too). And as I have said, everyone in town already knows about it. You can't do something like this in a town of 800 people and not have everyone know. It seems, though, that none of his "friends" have the courage to tell him he is being stupid!!
As for his daughter, she txted me and told me she was sorry that I was getting hurt, but that this had been her dream for 32 years.
I will be ok. Today has been rough, as has the other 3 Sunday's he has been gone. Monday thru Saturday, he works, so it isn't as hard. But, Sunday, he always has off and we always do something together, after he cooks me breakfast...so Sunday's suck!!! I keep praying and praying.
I actually wrote her a letter today (which I doubt she will ever see, but it helped!!) I asked if she had a relationship with God. I then said, either way, that she should know that God doesn't condone adultery. I told her that I knew that SHE knew that Bruce is a married man. I asked her if she has any idea how MANY people she is hurting and if she has no compassion. I asked her how she would feel if she were married to Bruce and he was doing this to her. I said, "would you not consider the "other woman" a tramp, just barely above a whore?" And then told her that is exactly what the people in town were thinking of her. Then I told her that I was praying for her soul...and for her to break off the "relationship" and try to make it right with God. Like I said, I'm sure she will never see it, but it felt better having written it!!
I am trying to take care of myself. I have lots of friends, family, and co-workers for support. I just sometimes hate burdening them with all of this.
I do thank you for the support. I must say, I have made my fair share of mistakes along the way. When I married my present husband, I thought my days of mistakes were over...but they weren't. I have hurt him too...but never like this..or at least I don't think so.
When we were talking after he got home from seeing her the first time, we talked. And one of the things we talked about was how he hated it when I would help out my exhusband. He followed me 575 miles from his home to have a life...and after we divorced I felt guilty for him being here with no family. So, when he would have trouble, I would help him out. Now, I'm seeing that when I did that my present husband would be hurt. I knew he didn't like it...but I thought he was just being insecure. He says now (and yes, I can see that he is right) it wasn't his security, it was hurt. I apologized for those times and he said he could forgive. But I'm wondering if maybe this isn't payback!!!
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What seems to escape so many people is when they react to something they are hurt by by commiting the same mistake, they are hurting themselves, adding to the misery.
I hope you find the way to continue growing in your personal life and also that you WH will join you.
The most important person now is you.
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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