Ummmm dating while married. Around these parts, that's called an AFFAIR.

We are legally estranged, very shortly to be legally separated and I'm not waiting for another 2 yrs to be divorced before I get on with my life and achieving my dreams of my own family. A 6 month marriage which was ended by a cruel, callous, deceitful and quite frankly dispicable adulterous woman who continues with her OM to attempt to publically humiliate me and show no evidence of shame or remorse is not worth 2 yrs of waiting.

I am moving on.

No more hope for reconciliation.
Onwards and upwards for goblin.

So you joined here 5 weeks ago trying to save your marriage, and you're already dating again. Nice. Best of luck with that.

Want to D go for it. However you should not date until then.

Maybe not worth 2 years of waiting. Totally understood. However, Goblin, you are clearly not OVER this woman. Who could be? You loved her very much and she did a total 180 on you.

Now you want to bring all that baggage into a potential new relationship? You want to start something new with someone before you've had a real chance to emotionally deal with the crap you've been through? So, what, new girl is just going to have to suffer with you when you have little break-downs along the way? Are you going to make her nurse the wounds on your heart that were inflicted by someone she never knew?
...Or she's going to get to know someone who is NOT the real Goblin, but will 'recover' somewhere down the road and be someone different than the Goblin she came to enjoy. NOT FAIR to NEW GIRL. Very selfish and thoughtless of Goblin.

Hey, kid, you're 33, totally eligible, getting a degree soon, making big cake. I have a feeling you take care of yourself and will probably have to fight them off with a stick. Wait until you've come out the other end of this one. Do it for yourself, and do it out of concern for the innocent young lady who's about to get caught up in your nightmare. She don't deserve that, and you know, if she's worth the effort, she'll be around in a few months.

There's a couple of threads on the top of the Divorce board by guys who made this mistake. Take a look. Not pretty.

~opt

Hey I said date, not go head over heels flinging myself into a relationship.

Can't please everyone all of the time, some say stay, some say go. 5 weeks is >20% of the total time we were married. Puts it all into perspective. As Fred VA would agree, some adulterers and marriages just aren't worth the effort in the end. My wife is a serial adulterer. I'm not hanging around anymore to suffer from it again.

I had fun last night. It was exactly as expected. A new friend, dinner and intelligent conversation, all with complete honesty. She knew my situation and intentions before we agreed to have dinner last week. I intend to continue to date, and just that.

The ex unexpectedly turned up at mine today with the money she owes me. Obviously the court papers for this did the job. Am sure the added effect of her walking into my kitchen to write the cheque and finding another woman (a colleague that had popped round for a cuppa as it happens) in it didn't go unnoticed. And she looked far from the glowing happy in love person that's just back from holiday with the OM that she should be. I on the other hand am still looking good and being told so regularly by those that know me. The "whatever makes you happy" comment from her was just the icing on the cake.

So a fabulous weekend so far. Wonder what Sunday has in store for me, besides a good run with friends and catching up on a lot of paperwork.

Okay, let's say you start "dating" and the girl you "date" likes you.....A LOT. She is head over heels in love with you. Your WIFEcomes to you one day and says, "Gob, it was all just a horrible mistake. I have seen the light and I want to come home again. Please take me back. We will be EVERYTHING to eachother FOREVER." What do you do? "Ummm nope, Too late." or "Okay, lemme just cancel that date I have Saturday. Oh and the one I have Sunday too." What about that girl you were "dating"? "Sorry hun, we had some good times. I am gonna work it out with my WIFE."

IMHO, it isn't WISE to jump into dating again when you have recently been divorced, let alone still married. But HEY, I must be in the MINORITY(accept on THIS board).

I was thinking from the other side as well:
Falls in love with the "just date" and ends up marrying her. Two years later, things get a little rough and new wife starts doubting his fidelity. "Hey, he dated me while he was still married, who's to say he's not doing it now, to me."

Gob, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. You know that. I just think blurring the line at your age is not in your best interest. I had blurry lines when I was in my younger 30's and I'll tell you I lost some good years. I could have been developing a love of a life-time, for a life time. Instead I was 41 before I found out that marriage could be something beautiful & magnificent; but now I have to start all over and I'm not sure if I'll ever experience it.

If I can save someone else in this world with a few words of encouragement and direction, then I'm going to do it. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't.

Goblin, having said all that, I know it must be hard not to just want to move on. Quickly. And put all this behind you. Trust me. I'm Dying to start dating again. The only thing stopping me is if I did Scot and Not2Fun would hunt me down and kill me.

~opt

My STBXW was the one who walked out on this marriage. Do I want her back? Nope, not anymore. We already did the forever promises, and look what she did with it - forgotten within a few months.

I've put in more effort than many in trying to sort this thing out (these boards excepting of course, as they're obviously full of folks trying to MB), I've done my counselling, accepted my faults, both IC and RC, I've got a handsome library of relationship books which are well thumbed, I've exposed her affair, appealed to her family, and GAL. I am proud of what I have done. But I don't think this marriage can be saved anymore. It is extremely sad, but appears to be the way it is.

Well I wouldn't say I'd KILL you. But you wouldn't be able to sleep at night(or anytime for that fact).

The end of a marriage for any reason is TRAUMATIC. The end of a marriage due to infidelity is even MORE traumatic. I know a lady who was a greeter at Wally-world and she retired(how old must she be then?). Her husband died more than 20 years ago. She is getting married next month. Yeppers, you are NEVER too old to start again, as long as you do it the RIGHT way.

I am NOT saying that you have to remain MARRIED to your CURRENT WW. No doubt that she did a horrible thing to you. Don't fall into the RA category. Have you read the stats on relationships that start out as affairs. Just because YOU think you have a JUSTIFICATION for this "dating" doesn't make it right. Good luck my friend. I hope you find what you are looking for.

Wrong to date while you are still married.

Well I'm enjoying the dating and making lots of new friends. It's good to get out in some different company and have new conversation.

WW also texted unneccesarily to inform me of a friend's birthday.

She's not enjoying commuting to Coventry, and apparently feels she's working with an office full of mentally unstable people. I told her she'd fit in well there.

Onwards and upwards!

Now that's just plain funny.


Opt

One more phone call from the wife since, and then nothing. Quite pleased. I didn't answer and have not returned it. I hear from one of my work colleagues that she was in town the other day with the OM and looked very happy. I think it has proabably been easier for everyone concerned that I went dark. They've been able to get to a happy stage in their relationship unencumbered by me, and I've been able to detach somewhat.

More dates, and lots and lots of stuff on with work and socially. Enjoying myself. Would still prefer the WAW and OM to crash and burn in a ball of flames, but I can't make that happen. All I can ask for is a swift and painless legal process from her at this stage, involving no physical contact, and maintaining that for the rest of our lives.

Have to get a grip of all the hatred and resentment by August. I'm unfortunately rotating to the same hospital as the OM, so will have the joys of his almost daily company for another 12 months, gloating and being smug. Can't let it tear me apart. It's very emotionally draining suffering him every day and still acting as if my life is wonderful despite often feeling even more miserable and hurt in his presence.

Still, only 2 yrs to go till I'm a consultant, can be part time, and work where I wish. 1 set of exams remaining to complete the set - BSc, MBBS, PhD, FCEM. It will be a wonderful day (hopefully Sept 2011) when I'll finally have the last one, no more revision, and I can actually have my social life back properly for good.

My mates keep telling me "who wouldn't want to marry a doctor, let alone a Dr Dr and a consultant!" I know they're right. I'm a good catch and have plenty of offers, just none so far that reach my high standards in terms of taking things further than friends.

You seem to be at the point that you feel you are better off without WW then with WW.

This makes you happy then that's the way to go.

Wow Gob, I don't know how you're going to do it exept that hopefully you will be pretty much recovered emotionally by August. Fast track it as best you can. I'd tell your work collegues that you only want to hear about your STBXW if she dies - and then only for legal reasons.

You may not be aware my wife's first EA/possible PA was wth the neighbor to my left. That was eventually squashed mostly (with exposure) and in her still wayward state, she started spending a lot of time with the neighbor across the street (including "coffee" with him in his house). That pretty much broke us - heading for D now. In the SepAgreement I kept the house and she moved to a condo 10 blocks up. Let's just say it's a pretty cold neighborhood now. But I walk with my head high, neighbor creeps have been hiding in their holes since winter. Adultery is a terrible thing.

opt

(((opt)))

Adultery sucks big time. What sucks more is society's attitude towards it - "I don't want to get involved" or "it's nothing to do with me, it's between you two." People don't condone it, but don't care about it unless it's happening directly to them. Happy to comiserate with you, but not happy to tell either STBXW or OM that they're doing something thoroughly disgusting.

I've exposed till I'm blue in the face, and it's done nothing. Partly because they feel they've done nothing wrong, and because no one else wants to rock the boat in friendships or professional relationships. So they continue to be smug, gloating and hold their heads up high too. I wonder if they'll ever realise they did anything wrong.

Feel like I'm the only strong one with opinions and morals and who is willing to actually voice them and stand up for the straight and narrow.

I'm definitely better off without WW. OM has now completely ingratiated into the in-laws family, is calling FIL "Dad" and arranging private medical care for him, despite him having perfectly adequate NHS treatment at present. This, sadly, makes me no longer want to visit them.

Ach well. The WAW has just announced engagement party in 2 weeks time and is planning to get married in September.

How utterly ridiculous.

Egg on their faces big time very shortly I'm hoping.

And I refuse to allow my life to be a soap opera anymore. I am happy, apart from the fact that my hedge trimmer just broke halfway through the job!

No matter who, what, it hurts to get screwed over.