I won't take that bet cuz I'd probably lose. Give it to him AFTER he is gone, or on his way OUT. If you are going with Monday, then Plan A your butt off until then.

The letter will lose all of it's affect if you say, "I am never going to talk to you again, will you move out in 4 days?" Some people even let their WS move and then give them the letter a few days later.

How about packing his stuff for him on Monday and having it ready to go and just tell him he needs to leave, you can't do this anymore, it hurts too much. He needs to go. Get yourself READY. This is gonna SUCK

Also, when the baby is born, if you are in Plan B, he can't be there. You are ready for that right? You would get your IM to let him know that the baby was born.

Wait until Monday to finish up your plan A. Leave a good memory, hand him the letter and go dark. I like the version of the letter LC did. You need to have a list of requirements for him to come home but not as part of the letter. I am hoping Neak will help with that. Also how is he to contact the IM? Phone, text or email?

I would wait til Monday.
Try to forget OW exists until then. Even if he is with her when not with you. Embrace the moments he IS with you with total delight.

Make them good moments to recall (for you as well as him) once you do go dark.

Yes, you could tell him he has to leave and then keep contact for a few days until you deliver the Plan B letter and go dark.

Do not forewarn him though. No. Do not. Quell that impulse to the max!

Okay, got it! I have written the letter, will make the changes LC and Scotty suggested. And I will give it to him Monday.

I have already told him that as long as he is with OW he will not be with me when the baby is born. I still think he believes me. But I will stay firm on that - I am NOT having my baby and having him go off and call OW minutes letter to tell her about his new son.

I will give him the letter on Monday and ask him to leave by Tuesday night if he has decided to go ahead with the affair.

He has IM's cell phone number and home phone number. I can always give him her email as well.

He should not be there as you birth. You'll be too busy having the baby to notice him calling OW.

That is a benefit of plan B, he misses BIG things. This is NECESSARY! Glad you see that.

(Sorry, I sort of misread your post about that, please forgive me. I thought you were going to let him be there at first. I have modified my post as needed)

NP-NO NO NO. You are doing that in reverse. You need to get him OUT and then give him the letter. You need it to be a SHOCK to him. Again, you aren't saying, "I will NEVER talk to you as long as you are with OW. See you later hun." That is CRAZY TALK. If Monday is your start to Plan B, he needs to be gone and you need to be in NC with him. He will NEVER take you seriously otherwise.

You need to prepare yourself. He will try to break NC. He will try to fight the fact that you won't talk to him. This WILL happen.

Have you read my thread? Many people gave me advice. It was great advice. I don't want it wasted. PLease listen. Do this the right way.

No! You do not give the letter before he is out.

You keep it and either give it as he takes his last dribble of belongings out the door OR once he has already been out for a few days and go dark.

You do not give it to him and see if he will go.

It is not a letter to give a wake up call to him. That is not what it is for.

It is a combo love letter/map back to the marriage.

You go to B because A has not worked in having the wayward dump the Other person.

B is for you to get away from the affair drama.

So....you ask him to leave due to the pain you are in. He leaves. Much love and kisses if possible and then a letter is handed to him that lays your heart on the line and how to rebuild if he ever chooses to.

He probably won't read it and run into your arms. Don't expect that.

He will try to give it a go with OP.

Once you are dark....you gotta go through your own withdrawal to the love of your life. It isn't easy at first. Make sure your physician knows the deal with what is going on so you can have as much support as possible!

Scottie is absolutely correct! Plan B is not to use as an ultimatum. You WILL have a list of requirements before you come out of Plan B, but you don't even begin to start discussing those until he meets the conditions in your Plan B letter. If he hasn't given you an answer by Monday, just ask him to leave. BTW, no answer IS an answer.

OH! I thought the Plan B letter was meant to be given to him and THEN he leaves. Glad to have that cleared up!

How do I get him to leave, then? What if he refuses?

I plan to go as dark as can be. And I am already in withdrawal from the love of my life a little bit....this man is NOT my husband or the man I fell in love with.....

I wanted to talk to my physician today about what was going on and not allowing him in the delivery room but (of course) today was the ONE appointment WH decided to come to with me. First one in the entire pregnancy. Of course. Will have to wait until the next appointment.

Well, I packed up my WHs stuff the day I was asking him to leave and I put HIS stuff on the porch. When he got home from work, I told him I couldn't live like this anymore. He wasn't going to go at first. We talked for 30 minutes and he finally said, "So this is IT?" I said, "Yes." I asked for our house keys again and he gave them to me. I walked out the door, locked it(that killed me) and got into my Dad's car and went to my sister's house for my Bday party.

It was a HORRIBLE day. It was a HORRIBLE next few weeks. Sometimes it is still HORRIBLE.

Here is where I was preparing for Plan B.

Scotty's Pre-Plan B

I'm going to post this because I think it's something other people should see. THIS is the mark of man who has reached personal recovery and is being so strong, and this is what I'm aiming for too. It's an email I just received from OW's husband. It made me cry .... I think seeing that strength from him really inspires me. And even though, YES, it will be horrible, it's what I've got to aim for: (OW refers to his wife, not HIS OW)


Sorry to hear you�re still feeling down and I know you are not in the same position as me but I�ve really been trying to look at the positive with my situation. After she leaves I am going improve my life with exercise, music and jobs around the house when I don�t have kids. When I do have the kids, I�m going cherish them for a week and do as much with them as I can. I am going to challenge myself to learn and grow everyday, just like the milk commercial�Grow always 

I keep a pretty positive attitude with OW as well but here�s the hard part. I get to see M [the lady who did his reading for him] almost everyday (in the building) and sometimes we chat. She basically left me with more questions then answers from the reading but she says it will come to me. One thing that has come to me (and I verified with her yesterday) was, OW and I will not be together as a couple again because we are on different paths and our paths no longer cross. We are moving on because we have done all we can do and it is time to go our separate ways. I told M, I can�t give up on 17 years! She said she knows but she is only telling me what she saw my path should be, not what I would do. We always have a choice and a path, there is only one true path for us and her job is to put people back on the path. Kind of profound don�t you think? Basically this is your inner voice coming from God and what she is trying to teach me to listen to.

I hear you about mourning the dream of the relationship because I don�t know how long I�ve been living in the dream. But that�s just it, isn�t it? If we�ve been living in a dream and they haven�t shouldn�t we get out of the dream and get on with our lives? Why should we want them back? Why should we even want to give them a second chance with us? I have decided that I will always be OW�s friend and we will always have the kids. Do I still love her? Yes, but not as my wife. Do I want her back as my wife? No, she can be my friend and the mother of my children. Now take this with a grain of salt because this is today and today is good. This is the way I want it to be but tomorrow could be a different story if I�m not feeling strong. The better or stronger I feel, I know that this is the right choice, not because someone told me but because I know it in my heart, I don�t want her back as my wife.

She keeps telling me we might have a chance to try and work this out but the more I look at it and study it, the more I realize how broken our marriage was, how broken my heart is and what the real truth is. I can tell she�s not very sure that she and I can even try to make it work or maybe she doesn�t even want to and doesn�t want to hurt me. But what I really think is, she wants me to wait until she figures out what she and [your WH] are doing and if it�s going to work between them. I don�t understand this and I will not hang out and wait for her to decide. I cannot do that in good conscience.

I owe OW a great deal credit for successes in my life and I felt like I let her down but I didn�t. We let each other down in our marriage then she had an affair with another man. I could�ve worked with her on our problems and I would�ve tried with her on the affair but she wouldn�t let it go with [your WH]. I can�t get past this. It is too hard on me that she wouldn�t let him go. I think maybe this is where you are at too? We were told it was over how many times? The spying, the wondering and worrying about all of this was killing me. How many times do I have to put myself through that? That is how come I am quitting on my marriage. Its not there and I don�t have the strength to try anymore.

NP, now that I know who you are and have met you, I know you are not the crazy person you were purported to be. You may be crazy from what was going on in your life and your marriage (like I was) but you are not ripping your hair out crazy. This is how they got me to stop talking to you. They knew if we exchanged info that they could not hide their affair. This is why I think OW has not made her decision yet. She doesn�t want me 100% gone until she knows how things work out with her and [your WH]. I think she is really struggling with this (even though [your WH] might not be). She has told me [your WH] wants her no question but that she is undecided. She said even it it�s a no go with him there is no guarantee that her and I will be together. How long do put up with waiting for her? I can�t, I won�t and above all I don�t want to.

I truly hope you get what you want and deserve but I have to wonder if that is [your WH]. I know for me it is not OW. I know this is hard for you to believe but OW is a wonderful person that I have known almost half my life and I am going to miss her and one day I am going forgive her for everything she has done but first I am going to forgive myself. When I can do that I can really move on and that�s what I�m trying to do. One day I am also going to forgive [your WH]. I�m sure you think [your WH] is/was wonderful too so maybe you can also forgive him and yourself too.

I also hope you have a happy healthy child and I hope you can stay happy and healthy too. I�m sorry I cannot be your rock to lean on so I truly hope you have someone that you can. Again, if you want M�s contact info I will give it to you but I have to let you know that I will have to end our �friendship� soon. The four of us are caught in this bizarre square shaped relationship and I have to cut it off at all my corners. This was also part of my reading and I imagine it will be for you too if you decide to go.

You know after reading this email over, I think I know the truth better then I thought and I think you know the truth better then you think too.
Thank you for helping me and I hope I helped you. I hope you find your path and that you can smile when you are on it. I am not ending our relationship today but I will have to soon and I hope you understand and I want you to know that I think you are a good person and that you deserve a better hand then you were dealt.
Please don�t share this as we know how the communication cycle works and it usually hurts us more then them.

I would love to see your reply to this email if you felt like writing one.

All the best,

OW H

I think he is placing too much importance on those "readings".

He has every right to not want to recover his marriage; however, I think that those who have children should at least TRY!

He may be personally recovering, or he may be lying to himself.

Sounds like a nice guy, though!

Well, I agree he may be placing too much importance in the readings. I think perhaps they were more just the mechanism that started his healing, rather than being important themselves. A while after meeting him, I directed him here and told him of a few basic MB concepts. He chose not to come post on the forums, but he read a lot of material. And said he'd been living Plan A since the day he found out about the affair (two weeks before I did). But, as he says, his wife and my husband are not willing to give each other up.

It's why I'm moving to Plan B. I admire his being able to journey to where he is without a Plan B.

Feeling a lot stronger today.

Pretty sure WH was out with OW last night - lied he was meeting a friend he hasn't seen since our wedding. Talked to OW H for a while and he said his wife had to "suddenly" go out too, drop stuff off at her new place. I am pretty sure WH was there at her place too - the two of them alone at last, how happy they must be to finally have a place to be together.....

Found out from OW H last night that OW found a couple lumps in her breast and she has to go for a bunch of testing. Part me thinks, "Good, she deserves it for being a marriage-breaking wh#re!!" and another part thinks her kids need her and hopes she's not that sick.

NP

I hope some of your strength can rub off on me.

I don't blame you for thinking she deserves it but you're right, her kids do need her. And you're the bigger person. Think positive. {hugs} Take care of yourself!

Does it ever do any good to give your WH a good, firm shake and say, "Snap out of it!!! Stay and FIX OUR MARRIAGE! You love me!"

That is what I feel like doing to him today. If only there was a way to remove the fog instantaneously!

When you're alone, shake a pillow and yell at it...then punch it and smack it around a little...

Don't we all wish that. But as they say, "Nothing in life worth getting, isn't worth working for." A GREAT MARRIAGE is worth any amount of work needed. Agreed? GOOD>

Loved the letter changes - looks like we have a winner!

Also, OWH is where he is BECAUSE he has not been in PB, not in spite of it. Your way (the MB way) is not only better for your chances of marital R, but better for you than an unhealthy "just friends" R.

Ya doin' good!