One thing you need to do is to drop the filters--you have to answer her questions fully and completely.

If she wants to know dates and times, you tell her dates and times. If she wants to know positions and places, you tell her positions and places.

Do not ponder your answers. Just tell her the truth, as fully and completely as you can.

If you are going to put your M back together, she has to know everything. The quicker you tell her, the quicker you can get this part over with and move on.

The longer you fail to tell her the truth, the longer is will take you to get the M back on track.

IHS:

I posted to you yesterday from my cell phone. So I wasn't able to give you the full treatment.

And you posted back to me exactly what I expected you to post.

Defending yourself and blaming B-R for the state of the marriage.

It is kinda TOUGH to talk with your spouse about things when you are hiding multiple affairs. So its kinda NOT surprising that you marriage suffered.

And I am sure that B-R lied to you, and maybe hid some things. I don't beleive that whatever they were, that they are up to the level of hiding an affair, right?

So stop comparing the two of you, and start dealing with yourself.

MrsW was very nice to you, and you responded to that. Let the two of us be the Yin/Yang for you. Or Good Cop/Bad Cop.

BTW>>>I grew up in the Motor city. Left in 82. So don't pull any crap on me from that direction.

Have you decided that TODAY was going to be the start of NC with your latest OW? Becasue you have ben asked, and you haven't answered yet....So I presume that you are still in contact.

And you were going to tell some folks today about what you did to hurt them, right? Your children? The OW's husbands?

You can become the man that you think you are by hanging out here at MB and learning about how to rebuild yourself into that man.

Seriously. It can help you with that. B-R has learned alot. But she was working with a brick wall.

My BW, Flamingo, doesn't post here. Never will. But if you want to know what it is like living with a woman who is hard on you? B-R has NOTHING on Flamingo.

All Flamingo ever wanted was me to be the man I could be. So does B-R. So start doing that. Open yourself up and start telling HER all the things that you have been telling these OW.

Lead this receovery by changing your definition of honesty. Can the truth hurt? Sure. Withholding of the truth also hurts. Can B-R learn so new coping skills? Yes. But that is her side of the street to deal with.

If you stay HERE, you will learn here. If, which is more likely, you say: It's not my kind of thing, they are too tough, they don't understand me, I'm different, etc, etc, then your marriage is doomed.

The next MB Weekend in in Minneapolis, MN. I think its about a six hour drive. Take the Ludington MI ferry across Lake Michigan, and enjoy the trip with B-R. Sure, you can afford it. Its ALOT cheaper than divorce.

You were throwing your marriage away, why now be cheap about keeping it?

You just have to carry the load.

And yes, you can do it.

LG

LG,

To my knowledge, IHS and b_r do not live in Michigan - I don't think b_r has ever said where they are - Perhaps you read Michigan beside my name - dunno...

IHS,

Have you called the MB Offices to get an appointment with Steve Harley yet?

How did telling your children go last night?

Mrs. W

ihurt, welcome to MB. Posting here as a wayward spouse takes courage and determination. I hope this means that you truly want to save your marriage, your children and your very own soul from destruction. I was once a wayward in my marriage. A very long time ago. Since then my H has had two affairs, the second one produced a child.

I can tell you honestly that it was God that brought me out of my affair and the same with my H. Once he realized he wanted and needed to be a man that could stand before God without shame he stopped the affair.

I like your BW. She is one of my favorite posters around here. I would love to see her in a happy, secure, loving marriage. It is up to her if she wants to try to do so with you.

Whether your BW decides on recovery or not, YOU need to do some serious work for your own personal recovery. Mrs.W and tst are really wonderful examples of FWS who have turned their lives around 100 percent.

I'd like to note that Dr. H specifically avoids an evangelistic slant with his work. Although he's said privately that he considers his work to be inspired by his god, the system works even if the Christian god has nothing at all to do with it.

Lack of god-talk really helped the program appeal to this conscientious, ethical non-believer.

I apoligize, I dont know how all these blogs work, I thought I had the formatting in the last one right, affair is over. Last Wed when wife found out

I told my kids last night, my wife told me not to apologize to the husband until her and him can be on the phone at he same time

Mrs W - kids were hard I could barely talk. Again not talking to anyone else as I was asked to wait.

My wife and I are looking at going to the seminar on the 14th in MN, even if "WE" dont work, it should help us and me

lousey golfer - not being cheap and asked my wife to go this morning and said I would call the parents and fly them to our house so we could spend the weekend in MN. Honestly I dont care about $$ anymore, it used to be very important, just isnt anymore. The job I am looking at taking is a 30% paycut, but I would be hone EVERY night and would take it for less

ALL - I am really sorry everytimg i try and reply with your quote it will not let me scroll down, I closed my brouser and restared , same issue, I am sorry for the difficulty in trying to read this. Sorry

GOOOOOOOOO!!! That is GREAT news! The MB Weekend is FABULOUS - When will you know if you are going? Please, please, please do this! We went in 2007 and can't rave about it enough...

Your poor children - my heart aches for them...

Have you called for an appointment with Steve yet?

The polygraph? IHS, I can't stress to you enough the importance of the WHOLE truth - If this was indeed a PA, by gosh, you better spill it - NOW - you compound the crime by continuing to lie...

Mrs. W

P.S. Somewhere here there was a post by Mel that told how to fix that screen jumping dealio - gimme a bit and I'll see if I can find it for you...

When you quote and the reply window is open, there are two little arrows at the top right corner. You click the down arrow until you have more space available to type.

IHS, here's what you need to do:

Put your cursor where you want to reply. Then look up at the right corner of the response box. You'll see two arrows, one pointing up and one pointing down. Click on the down arrow repeatedly. It will open space in the response box, and you can type there.

Thank you! that worked.

I was a WH. My thread was wiped out (thankfully) during the great server crash last year. Despite the fact that we cannot pull up my first post as a WH, I can tell you who was the first to respond to me: Black Raven. I think she knows all too well the pain inflicted by us WH's, and as a result wanted not only to help me to R my M. but recover myself too. She is one of my two favorite posters on all of MB.

You have every right to lead your lifestyle. You can have sexual liaisons and intimate chats with whomever you like. You can flirt, get admiration, and have sex all you want. That is not uncommon. However, you have NO right to do this while you are married to B_R.

And I understand your need for admiration, but getting it from other women does nothing. You might think it boosts your ego, but what does that prove? You were able to get 5 women to fall for you, who is a married man. BFD. It isn't that difficult. But why on earth would you want to be with a woman who would go after a married man?

I don't want admiration from another woman and I do not try to solicit it (any more). I just want it from my wife. And if i do not get it, I have a responsibility to talk to her about it. That's what being married means. I do not have the right to go on the prowl for other women. I do have a right to divorce.

Hello IHS and welcome to MB.

I am so happy to see you posting here. I am also pleased to see you taking the gentle hits (yes...I said gentle) that you've gotten and have still returned.

Perhaps you have finally hit bottom. I would like to think so, because I adore your sweet wife.

Good news that you are scheduling the MB Weekend!! You will learn so much there and receive wonderful support in the months afterward.

IHS, your adultery has caused severe trauma to your wife. A level of trauma that most people who have not experienced it will deny. I encourage you to do a Google search for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The more you can understand just how immense her devastation is (and has been), the more compassionate you will become.

If you can turn your entire focus to her heartbreak and strive to help her pick up every last shattered sliver of her heart, she may...over time....a LONG time...begin to feel whole again.

My husband is tst. He had one affair, but it was an intense battle during those 9 months. I felt the pain could have literally killed me. I hurt to my very core. But when he came home, he was completely focused on my hurt. He never once complained about his needs, or my love busters, or any extraordinary precautions he must live by. He remained dedicated to trying to rebuild all that he had torn apart, knowing all the while that all his efforts might not be enough. He STILL put all he had into helping me.

Can you do that for BR?

She has suffered for a very long time. She has nothing left. No strength to fight this battle. It will be work for her to just put her feet on the floor everyday.

Can you nurse her back to health?

Can you love her when she is hurting so deeply she wants to spitin your face and run from you? Can you still push in?

Can you take the love busters that she will inevitably give...because she cannot control the rage and grief and the despair and the memories that haunt her and the triggers that overwhelm her?

Can you live under whatever extraordinary precautions it will take for BR to feel safe to even consider a reconciliation attempt?

Your attitude toward those EPs will let her know if you ARE safe now. Begrudging, resentful, hostile attitudes will show her that you have had no heart change and that you are NOT SAFE.

Drawing BR back into this marriage will take years.

Do you have it in you, IHS?

I'm not trying to scare you away from trying to recover your marriage. I believe the very best scenario is always for a couple to rebuild and create a beautiful marriage. But you have wasted a lot of BR's life. If you don't have it in you to become what you should have been all along, don't waste her time anymore. Don't ask her to open her heart up yet again if you aren't going to protect it. That's just more cruelty.

So, IHS, are you ready to become a man you can be proud of? A man WORTH admiring?

I am a guy and the pain I went through was terrible. I thought I was going to die. I had PTSD and had to go a counselor for over a year. I remember crying all the time...

I agree, I don't want the other woman, it's over.
I disrespected my wife and honestly don't know if I deserve another chance, I do love her, but lacked any way of showing it. I am married and lied to god, her myself and everyone. I am selfish that's why all this happened.