@MaritalBliss - Yes, I'm certain you are right about him liking something a little different every once in awhile and feeling entitled to it. I know he will not stop this behavior until forced to do so (and maybe not even then). Since I am finding this out only AFTER his last daliance with OW, I have not yet been able to catch him. So, yes, things are on hold but only because of timing. I am just waiting until his next episode and hope that I get what I need to catch him and confront him (via the VAR in his car). He goes out with OW about every 3 months or so. The last meeting was March 19 so he's due. I just have to bide my time. If she wasn't out of town, she might have been invited along with him and Dirtbag yesterday.

@SmilingWoman - Interesting that your XW did this too. I have wondered if he is starting to give me a dose of the truth in order to more easily set up his next meeting with OW (get me to trust him and feel comfortable about him going out with her). Yes, he does have to come clean with me about the past but that will only happen once I get proof and make him come clean about what he's been doing. The "you know you are going to try to F her again" comment tells me what I need to know but WH will twist it and lie about it since he answered that comment with a joke. If I can get a recording of him and OW talking, he will not be able to get around that. All in due time though.

I can install keylogger on his computer but it would likely be a waste of time and money. I have him on recording telling Dirtbag how you NEVER do anything on email or Facebook because it can be used against you. Funny how he specifically said that Facebook and email have ruined many marriages and that divorce lawyers love having this technology to use because it's so helpful. I guess he's thought about this a lot, huh? Anyway, he told Dirtbag to only talk to his OW on the phone - he stressed that. Which tells me that I'm not going to get much from email which makes the VAR my best, if not my only, hope in catching him.

The evidence I got via the keylogger was Instant Messaging chats between him and his OWs. You might be surprised the mistakes he will make even though he thinks he is so smart. You also never know what site he might visit that will aid you in other ways of catching him. And tell you LOTS about what he is up to. For instance, one of the sites my WH went to was the state child support site that lists the amount he would have to pay me.

Anyway, I definitely think you are being smart and I think trying to discuss changing his behavior at this point (as someone suggested asking him to not take OW out alone) will only clue him in to the fact that you are probably suspicious and he needs to be more careful.

Good point, SmilingWoman. It can't hurt and I might get something. Plus, that would cover me if he happens to get on to me and changes his password. I will do that the next chance I get.

Thanks for the kind words, as always. I have no intention of living this way long term and am just trying to proceed the best way under these difficult circumstances. Right now my focus is to work on Plan A, make our marriage/family life as appealing as possile and snoop, snoop, SNOOP!

Sounds like a good plan. Did you get anything new this week so far?

Not a thing! WH has been really busy at work. When he's busy or on a deadline, there is less activity. I know he talked to Dirtbag this week but he was in his office for that phone call. Otherwise, all is quiet.

I haven't installed keylogger because I haven't had access to the computer this week. I should be able to get to it next week.

Thanks for checking in - you are so sweet to ask how it's going. Nice to know that good people are thinking of me!

I'm considering confronting WH with the little evidence I have. It doesn't look like I'm going to get the proof I need any time soon - maybe in another month but maybe not even then. Any thoughts about this? It feels like it would be a big mistake but I don't know what to do anymore. Things are at a standstill and have been for well over a month. I've been so patient but I'm still no closer to actual proof than I was three weeks ago. I can't help but think that it would be better to work through my frustration and continue to gather evidence. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me what to do, rather trying to weigh the pros and cons before I make my decision.

I'm in the same boat right now. Some evidence but not quite enough to nail him to the wall. I feel like the little bit I have could be explained away, then he'll know I'm snooping and just be sneakier, all before I found something concrete...

I feel ya, sorry no advice...

This is strictly from where I sit, Anne, so take it for what it's worth: I suspect you may have a husband with a wayward/entitlement mentality. This chick is obviously not the "love of his life" or your sleuthing would have outed him by now. Rather, I worry that he is one of those spouses who just take the opportunity here and there, when it comes up, to have something a little different to add some spice to his life. Requisite 'barf' icon for that.

So, if that's the case, what do YOU think you can do? Can you ride this out, continuing to snoop, waiting to catch him? Whether it be this skank or some other? You've seen that that may take some time. And while that's going on, life is going on as well. Which may be good or bad: the good being that maybe he's sewn a few wild oats (more barf) and is settling down. Or, the bad thing: he liked sewing his oats and will do it again.

You've shown tremendous patience, and I admire you for that. I wouldn't blame you if you're ready to move to the next level, whatever that may be.

If it were me: I would lay out everything I've found so far and just let the chips fall where they may. I'll bet the farm that he denies denies denies, and spins the whole thing on his loser friend. So you probably won't get a confession. You will put him on notice that you're snooping, so come right out with that and tell him that you're keeping an eye on his activities.

Note that I said "if it were me". Because I don't think I could have had the patience that you've displayed and I probably would have sat him down with my limited intel by now, letting him know that I'm conscious of questionable activities on his part and that they make me uncomfortable.

You may never know what happened with Butter Face. But he will probably not have anything more to do with her.

Then maybe the two of you can work on strengthening your M.

Just my two bits.

I don't know Anne. You are in a tough spot. I suspect my own now XH was once just like your WH is now. With, like MaritalBliss says, the entitlement mentality...I now know that over the course of our 26 year marriage there were many many such incidents as the one you discovered with your XH and this OW. I think it is a character issue more than a wayward issue. Meaning....it is more that he lacks morals than that he became an alien by getting involved with an OW. I would hate for you to spend the next 10-15 years trying to be a good wife only to find out he never really changed and in fact got worse.

Your WH is already cautious about leaving a trail of any kind. I would definitely install a GOOD keylogger on his computer and see what you get there before I let him know I suspected anything. He will lock everything down so tight you will get nothing once he realizes you suspect him. Oh he may even behave for a while...but honestly....I am more inclined to believe he will not really change.

One thing you might do before confronting him is to write down your expectations moving forward. Can you live with the kind of man he has revealed himself to be? What do you need from him in order to feel safe in your marriage? I would start with insisting he get rid of DB and not take female clients out without you...and NEVER take BF out again EVER.. If you think through what you will need...you will probably know which things he will agree to and which things he won't. That will tell you a lot about how serious he will be about saving your marriage.

And if you do confront him....maybe don't reveal your source. Bluff him. Just look him dead in the eye and say, 'I know. Don't try to deny it because I KNOW you had sex with BF.'

I sure feel for ya. It is bad enough no matter what....but being pregnant adds so much pressure. (((hugs)))

Thanks for the great advice and the valid points. Looks like my decision was made for me. I read WH's emails for the day and he's invited OW (ButterFace) to lunch at 12:30 on Wednesday. She said that would be perfect because she "wanted to bounce something off of you (that's not appropriate for email)." Interesting, huh?

I'm not going to get my hopes up too high because they probably won't be in the same car together so the VAR won't do much good. My best hope is that he decides to talk to Dirtbag about this in the car on the way home. Since something is happening this week, there is no way I'm confronting.

Here is a thought (again, you all give such good insight): Should I make a point to call him during the time I know he's at lunch with her? You know, one of those "I love you and am thinking about you calls"? What do you think?

He's been talking about getting back on his diet so I'm going to make a point to ask him every day what he had for lunch and see what he says on Wednesday. That sounds reasonable, doesn't it?

I wouldn't. Although I did do crazy stuff when I knew and he didn't yet know I knew. I invited him to a special Sunday service....and he went!

And I had an old cell phone of his that I was getting all his incoming texts on. One day when he and OW (a now former friend's wife--the OW who first brought me to MB) were carrying on a suggestive conversation via text and I kept calling him at work--something I rarely did. I would be just as sweet and kind. I was doing it to blow his mind though. I don't recommend it and I don't really know what your motives are. You really need some evidence I think you should play this very low key until you get what you need.

I sure wish you could hire a PI to follow them.

Darn, Anne. If I lived near you I would go to that restaurant and spy on them for you! Is there anyone who can do that for you that he wouldn't recognize?

My thinking in calling is to see if he would even pick up the phone during that time. Also, I would like to put a scare into him and seeing my number pop up during lunch with ButterFace might do that. I'll leave it alone though and hope he gives her a ride or that he at least talks to Dirtbag about what happened over lunch. I am dying to know what she wants to "bounce off him" that is "inappropriate for email." What sucks is that I may never know!

The PI is not really an option because of money. As for having someone who doesn't know him follow him, that probably won't work either because they are meeting near her office which is an hour away from where we live. I don't know of anyone who could do that during the middle of the day. Boy Maritalbliss, I sure do wish you lived near me!!!

I'm going to be sure to have fresh batteries in the VAR. I hope the static I sometimes get doesn't drown out anything important. That happens sometimes when he is travelling at high speeds.

Thanks for your support ladies. Please pray I get something that will help me move forward (one way or another). I'm so ready for it.

I remember well how it feels waiting to see what my keylogger or VAR would tell me. I could barely wait for WH to get out of the house in the morning so I could check the previous evening's keylogger. It was a sickening feeling. But I knew I had to have the evidence to keep me from ever believing his lies and excuses and explanations again. The day I read a chat between my cousin and him that proved beyond a doubt they had slept together I nearly fell to my kneeds thanking God for the clarity He had given me.

Your patience is incredible. I will definitely pray for you to get what you need.

Okay, I've been gnawing on this. You know, Anne, what if you did this? "How was your day, honey?" :::natter natter natter:::
"Oh, that's great, WH. So what did you have for lunch?"

And then find out what he says. Maybe you can get an opening there. Maybe he'll lie. Maybe he'll tell the truth. Or at least give you something to start a dialogue with.

Because I'm starting to think the time has come to let all the cats out of the bag. I don't think this is healthy for you at all.

I don't think it is healthy either...but most people can't fathom the kind of liar that her WH appears to be. He reminds me so much of my WXH.

I'm going to ask him about lunch for sure. No matter what he says about lunch tomorrow, I will wait to see what the VAR says. I might not get anything since she won't be in the car with him but I need to check it out. Also, I am hoping that he will talk to Dirtbag about it sometime this week.

My situation is most certainly NOT healthy and I know that. I am in therapy and my mom knows so I do have a support system. Also I am drawing strength from my children, especially the one on the way. I am doing what I need to do to prepare for a future with or without WH. If nothing else, I need solid proof for divorce proceedings.

Thanks for the prayers and kinds thoughts. That is part of what is getting me through these hard times.

You say you get static on the VAR sometimes at high speeds? What about when/if the radio is loud? I guess if he's talking with the radio loud, he would be louder to, huh?

It will be good if you ask him about lunch and he lies. Carefully observe his body language when you know for a fact he is lying. It will be very helpful for you in the future.

I am curious if you have ever expressed concern about him taking women to lunch and dinner alone---or is it seen as a normal part of his business?