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I am a guy and the pain I went through was terrible. I thought I was going to die. I had PTSD and had to go a counselor for over a year. I remember crying all the time... I am sorry, I am. I am dying and I was the one who inflicted the pain.
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I am sorry, I am. I am dying and I was the one who inflicted the pain. IHS - NO PITY PARTIES! You are not the victim, and WS pity parties are NOT accepted here - No one wants to hear how bad you feel - Get started fixing what you broke... What have you done in the way of ACTIONS toward recovery today? Started reading SAA? Called the Harleys? Discussed how soon you can take a polygraph with b_r? Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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I re-worded this a little for you...
I agree, I don't want the other woman, it's over.
I disrespected my wife and honestly don't know if I deserve another chance. I do love her, but lacked any way of showing it. I am married and lied to God, her, myself and everyone. I am selfish, and chose to disregard any boundaries, that's why all this happened.
Last edited by tst; 05/10/10 05:24 PM.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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And do your bloody best to meet her most important emotional needs consistently while avoiding any and all Love Busters... particularly Independent Behavior and Dishonesty, which were what got you into this mess in the first place.
Never do ANYTHING if you aren't 100% certain you have her enthusiastic consent to you doing so. When in doubt, give her a shout & discuss it.
Last edited by Doormat_No_More; 05/10/10 05:23 PM.
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I re-worded this one for you too....
I am sorry, I am. I am dying and I was the one who inflicted the pain, and my wife is dying as a result.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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The MB weekend, let us know when you are registered and the plans for childcare are in place, all organized by you btw.
Taking in the MB weekend is one step towards showing b_r that you are committed to fixing your damage, one step.
Once you have the basics of MB down, implementing those tools will be another step.
Using those tools everyday and every minute to protect b_r , that's another step.
The lovebank with it's deposits and withdrawls, it's great concept.
You won't learn anything if you use this system to feed your own selfish mind. IOW, meet her EN's and put your own on hold.
tst said this to a WH once, it's so simple but the concept says it all ...... "keep your taker down, put him away" (paraphrasing) since it was your taker that led you to these A's.
Right now, the tools of POJA, PORH are not to help b_r be a better wife to you, they are to show b_r that you strive be the husband you should be.
b_r is not stupid, she understands how these tools work to make a better M, it's you that needs to prove to her that her future effort will not be in vain.
The polygraph, that would be another step.
This will only show b_r that you are capable of actually telling a truth. It doesn't make you the hero for doing such a thing.
After years of lies and secret lives, it's hard to grasp that a WS is capable of even telling one truth.
p.s. I wouldn't balk that test, you wouldn't be vulnerable to one if you didn't already have the reputation of being an exquisite liar.
Bottom line, it will take step upon step, for years, to convince b_r that your efforts are sincere.
Remember, we don't forget the hurt that came from the foolish wishful thinking that our H's have changed.
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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I am sorry, I am. I am dying and I was the one who inflicted the pain. IHS - NO PITY PARTIES! You are not the victim, and WS pity parties are NOT accepted here - No one wants to hear how bad you feel - Get started fixing what you broke... What have you done in the way of ACTIONS toward recovery today? Started reading SAA? Called the Harleys? Discussed how soon you can take a polygraph with b_r? Mrs. W Sorry no pity parties, just that my day was terrible, horrible actually, and I was acknoledging that I wasnt even the one on the bad end of the stick. We tried getting into the MN class and cant. We decided to do on line and the phone counseling. I will take a polygraph as soon as I am back in town, I hope it can help her, I do.
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You can't get to the MB Weekend because of your own scheduling conflicts, or is the class full?
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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IHS, your adultery has caused severe trauma to your wife. A level of trauma that most people who have not experienced it will deny. I encourage you to do a Google search for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The more you can understand just how immense her devastation is (and has been), the more compassionate you will become.
If you can turn your entire focus to her heartbreak and strive to help her pick up every last shattered sliver of her heart, she may...over time....a LONG time...begin to feel whole again.
My husband is tst. He had one affair, but it was an intense battle during those 9 months. I felt the pain could have literally killed me. I hurt to my very core. But when he came home, he was completely focused on my hurt. He never once complained about his needs, or my love busters, or any extraordinary precautions he must live by. He remained dedicated to trying to rebuild all that he had torn apart, knowing all the while that all his efforts might not be enough. He STILL put all he had into helping me.
Can you do that for BR?
She has suffered for a very long time. She has nothing left. No strength to fight this battle. It will be work for her to just put her feet on the floor everyday.
Can you nurse her back to health?
Can you love her when she is hurting so deeply she wants to spitin your face and run from you? Can you still push in?
Can you take the love busters that she will inevitably give...because she cannot control the rage and grief and the despair and the memories that haunt her and the triggers that overwhelm her?
Can you live under whatever extraordinary precautions it will take for BR to feel safe to even consider a reconciliation attempt?
Your attitude toward those EPs will let her know if you ARE safe now. Begrudging, resentful, hostile attitudes will show her that you have had no heart change and that you are NOT SAFE.
Drawing BR back into this marriage will take years.
Do you have it in you, IHS?
I'm not trying to scare you away from trying to recover your marriage. I believe the very best scenario is always for a couple to rebuild and create a beautiful marriage. But you have wasted a lot of BR's life. If you don't have it in you to become what you should have been all along, don't waste her time anymore. Don't ask her to open her heart up yet again if you aren't going to protect it. That's just more cruelty.
So, IHS, are you ready to become a man you can be proud of? A man WORTH admiring? I will do anything, but you're right I wasted her life, I havent done the things that a good husband should do, or even a mediocre one. I will do what it takes, but I am afraid I killed any of the love left that she might have had. I can see it in her eyes, another post said I killed her and I might have. I can see her shell, I destroyed what was good and loving in her. I will do whatever she wants, but I fear it too late. I am sorry BR, you deserve better, and hopfully you will let me show you that I can be.
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You can't get to the MB Weekend because of your own scheduling conflicts, or is the class full?
Mrs. W Its this weekend and we cant make it out BR tried and cant make it work. NOT MY CONFLICT, I CAN MAKE IT, anything for her, I have much to make up for
Last edited by ihurtsomeone; 05/10/10 08:05 PM.
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YOU sort it out so that she can make it.
Arrange the flights and the childcare. If it's something to do with her work, call her boss and arrange time off for her.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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YOU sort it out so that she can make it.
Arrange the flights and the childcare. If it's something to do with her work, call her boss and arrange time off for her. I agree IHS, YOU move Heaven and Earth to get this arranged...She should be dropping the rope entirely at this point - you pick it up - you'll either hang yourself or figure out how to keep it in the air on your own - which will it be? Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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It's excrutiating to know that you have completely undone your marriage. To know that you have completely devastated the person that you promised to love, honor, and cherish. It is the most gut-wrenching feeling in the world to know you are responsible for the destruction and the wreckage that just happens to be your life now.
What's even worse is to know that the misery that you feel is nothing compared to the pain, humiliation, devastation, grief, and disbelief that your wife feels.
I know. I've lived it.
You will survive.
You will get up in the morning and do whatever it takes to help your wife.
You will take whatever actions are necessary to help pick your wife up off the floor and tend to her wounds. They are not self-inflicted wounds. They are wounds that you've inflicted.
You will suck it up and look deeply at the wounds, dress them, bind them, and tend to them for as long as it takes to help her heal.
You have the easy task in all of this.
I know how hard it was for me everyday, but it was easy compared to what she dealt with.
You will do this.
You will learn whatever you need to learn.
You will go to any length necessary.
And in the end, you will become a better man.
By the grace of God, your marriage may just survive.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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You will suck it up and look deeply at the wounds, dress them, bind them, and tend to them for as long as it takes to help her heal.
You have the easy task in all of this.
I know how hard it was for me everyday, but it was easy compared to what she dealt with. QFT
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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You can't get to the MB Weekend because of your own scheduling conflicts, or is the class full?
Mrs. W Its this weekend and we cant make it out BR tried and cant make it work. NOT MY CONFLICT, I CAN MAKE IT, anything for her, I have much to make up for You can go by yourself. B_R has been here long enough she probably doesn't need to be physically present at the seminar. Pay and go by yourself, and then you can work the course together afterward. The class was nowhere near full last week, when Steve Harley told me only 14 couples were registered. He said it's likely to be a small cozy little group. ETA: and you can always both go together to the next one. Go by yourself Saturday. Any reason why you can't?
Last edited by markos; 05/11/10 12:31 PM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I will do anything, but you're right I wasted her life, I havent done the things that a good husband should do, or even a mediocre one. I will do what it takes, but I am afraid I killed any of the love left that she might have had. I can see it in her eyes, another post said I killed her and I might have. I can see her shell, I destroyed what was good and loving in her. I will do whatever she wants, but I fear it too late. I am sorry BR, you deserve better, and hopfully you will let me show you that I can be. You have killed her love and you can restore it BY YOUR ACTIONS. Don't wait for her to "let you" show her. Start showing her. If you don't know what to do, ask here. Go to Marriage Builders weekend this weekend and they will start you learning what to do to show her. Even if she doesn't want to "let you." See you there.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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If money is truly no object, register for this MB weekend and go. When the next one is announced, register for it and go. Keep doing this until BR comes with you.
Also, call the Marriage Builders telephone coaching center and ask for their next open time slot. Cancel anything else you've got going and take it. Buy the discount package of five sessions. Immediately after each session, call the office and schedule your next session for the next week. Plan on doing this for the foreseeable future.
Quit yakking here and do this stuff.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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The Online Seminar offers the EXACT same thing as attending the Weekend in person.
I would recommend they take the DVD's and a player and head to a hotel near home for a 3 day excursion and watch the Seminar and enjoy some R&R together. They will still have the DVD to watch again as well... It's a Win/Win!
IMO, Ya'll need to chill a little on the... MUST attend Minneapolis for this to work.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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The Online Seminar offers the EXACT same thing as attending the Weekend in person.
I would recommend they take the DVD's and a player and head to a hotel near home for a 3 day excursion and watch the Seminar and enjoy some R&R together. They will still have the DVD to watch again as well... It's a Win/Win!
IMO, Ya'll need to chill a little on the... MUST attend Minneapolis for this to work. I'm just concerned that he may be finding a reason to not do any of the above. It would speak volumes if he would think outside of the box and make a big massive leap to show he will try to make it work despite obstacles. I was just trying to provide an example of outside of the box thinking. So far, I'm not seeing any leaps, and I thought I might be able to help spark one.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I would recommend they take the DVD's and a player and head to a hotel near home for a 3 day excursion and watch the Seminar and enjoy some R&R together. They will still have the DVD to watch again as well... It's a Win/Win! That is such an awesome idea, I'm stealing it! I often thought that, when money is less of an issue with us, that we'd benefit more from the online course than another 4-5 one-on-one sessions w/ SH. Nothing against SH; I just like the idea of the ongoing-ness of the program. I love the idea of still making it a weekend away too. So, IHS, this seems like a most excellent solution to the problem. Sign yourselves up for the online seminar and book the hotel. You can have both done within the next hour! And since Friday night is the conflict, you can still do the Saturday overnight.
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