I'm new here obviously and have been torn on how to handle this situation. I'll start from the beginning:

My wife and I married after she had our first child. Been together 7 years now and have had 2 additional kids since then. Looking back now, I believe we married too early and this created problems from the beginning. She was also mentally abusive to me and sometimes to the kids, resulting in me being unhappy, as I am a non-confrontational person. To her credit, she did start seeing a therapist to manage her anger as she came from a broken home and had a lot of things to get over. With that said, I had been 100% faithful throughout our marriage.

Then we made a big move across the country 3 years ago while she was pregnant with our last child. Since then, things got worse, reaching a boiling point at the end of last year (around Christmas).

Around this time, I re-connected with an ex-girlfriend who I loved very much and one I often thought about over the years. She was in the middle of separating (now divorced) from her husband (also mentally abusive), so we had a lot to talk about. We also had very similar upbringings so it's like we picked up right where we left off years ago. She lives a few hours away from me.

As I felt my feelings growing stronger for this woman, and given my unhappiness, I tried to separate from my wife. Not necessarily to run off with the other woman, but to avoiding hurting my wife and to figure out what I wanted to do. But she wouldn't separate. I eventually told her that I had contact with with my ex and had feelings for her, but she was willing to move past it because there was no physical contact.

Well, as time went on I ended up meeting up with my ex and we ended up sleeping together over the course of two weeks. We have also met up a few times since then.

Around this time, my wife was diagnosed with Bipolar. My guilt could not bring me to tell her what happened. So I tried once again to separate and this discussion led to my wife making an attempt at suicide, resulting in her needing to be hospitalized. The kids and I had a tough time recovering from that.

Since then, I have confirmed that my ex is pregnant (which we pretty much have known for a few months, but I was sent ultrasound pics a few days ago). Based on how far along she is (ultrasound said 12w/5d)....I have no doubt it is mine.

But I cannot bring myself to tell my wife as I fear she will make another attempt at her life and I could never forgive myself for that. Also, she decided to have tubes tied after last child, so that will add another layer of pain.

As far as where I am with the marriage, I love my wife, but I don't think I've ever been "in love" with her....sad, I know. On the other hand, I have been in love with my ex and this causes so many mixed emotions for me.

My parents know about the baby and they have been supportive of me (they also know who the ex is). The ex's parents know as well and know I am the father...they have also been supportive of her. So it's like I come home to a bubble every day.

My ex is actually being very rational about everything. She would like a future with me but has never pressured me to leave my wife nor threatened to tell her. She has her own career and is really excited about having a baby, but ok with my wife never knowing. But we agreed that something has to give because I want to be there for this baby and she would like that as well.

So what do I do? I want to tell my wife the truth and it's at the tip of my tongue every day, but I know she will try to hurt herself once she finds out.

Once again, tell your BW the truth. End your A. Go NC with the OW and then we can help you. Oh and send your BW to us. She is going to need a boatload full of support from people who have walked in her shoes.

Additionally, you need to do whatever is necessary to financially protect your BW and COM before this OC is born and the OW can file for CS. In most states the most CS does not go to those born first but to those that file first. If you are serious about recovering your M and showing your BW you are serious then protect those you love most financially from this upcoming devastating event.

This site is about saving M's from the devastating results of A's. Step one is to go100% No Contact with the OW for the rest of your life!!!!!! Second start reading everything on how to recover from an A. Read about the "Fog" of being a wayward spouse.
Do you have any idea what you have done to not only your wife and your M but your COM as well?????
Step one: NC with OW.
Step two: Come clean with your wife so that she can decide what SHE wants. It is her choice to try to save the M or kick your butt to the street. She gets to choose. You are the one that betrayed.
Step three: do everything you can to protect the COM that you already had a responsibility to.
Continue to read here about how A's make you believe that you've never really loved your spouse and that this OW is your "soul mate" and what a crock that nonsense really is

Exactly what Faithy and Fled said. DO NOT continue with OW.

We will support your marriage, the recovery and rebuilding. We will NOT support lies and continued C with OW.

Do send your BW wife here, as Faithy said. She will need us.

I'm new here obviously and have been torn on how to handle this situation. I'll start from the beginning:
( I bet you are!, so was I)


My wife and I married after she had our first child. Been together 7 years now and have had 2 additional kids since then. Looking back now,

I believe we married too early and this created problems from the beginning.

(I assume you loved her, so it was not really about marring her to early, more likely you both failed to know how to take care of each other. That's really a skills issue.)

She was also mentally abusive to me and sometimes to the kids, resulting in me being unhappy, as

I am a non-confrontational person.
( you mean you are passive, and not willing to stand up for yourself and children. Let's get real here. BTW, I did the same darn thing.)

To her credit, she did start seeing a therapist to manage her anger as she came from a broken home and had a lot of things to get over.

(be interesting to know what her family background was, what kind of damage was inflicted on her. also be interested in your family baggage and see how that has affected you.)


With that said, I had been 100% faithful throughout our marriage.

(humm....... lose the pride, it will help things back on track a bit faster )


Then we made a big move across the country 3 years ago while she was pregnant with our last child. Since then, things got worse, reaching a boiling point at the end of last year (around Christmas).

(ok, here is what I want to hear... how exactly do you feel you were wronged or neglected? I know you do.. I did, and still struggle with issues...

Lack of sex (as in you couldn't trust her to be there for you?)
No doing fun things together?
Yelled at kids?
Did she get fat on you?
Has she been overly critical????? (I have lots of experience with this one).


I do want to hear your side. Beware, other will roast you here, but my goal see how you can either recover, or end things.

I used to be all about saving the marriage, but I know many of the posters here... also know they keep going thru H&ll. Some just don't know when to end it.

)



Around this time, I re-connected with an ex-girlfriend who I loved very much and one I often thought about over the years.

(Why is she your EX? one of the two of you did not see the other as able to fill emotional needs, hence the split.....)


She was in the middle of separating (now divorced) from her husband (also mentally abusive), so we had a lot to talk about. We also had very similar upbringings so it's like we picked up right where we left off years ago. She lives a few hours away from me.

( Friend, your in a bubble here...... you both got these other distractions that are uniting you two to escape in each others arms. Trust me when I tell you that if you end up with her, you two will eventually have to deal with each other.... No more common enemies to unite you.)


As I felt my feelings growing stronger for this woman, and given my unhappiness,

I tried to separate from my wife. Not necessarily to run off with the other woman, but to avoiding hurting my wife and to figure out what I wanted to do.

( ya, you did kinda want to run off with other woman.... been there done that, let's keep it real )


But she wouldn't separate. I eventually told her that I had contact with with my ex and had feelings for her, but she was willing to move past it because there was no physical contact.

(so you felt a wave of guilt and stayed with wife? you also BS'ed her about not banging the OW anymore)



Well, as time went on I ended up meeting up with my ex and we ended up sleeping together over the course of two weeks. We have also met up a few times since then.


Around this time, my wife was diagnosed with Bipolar. My guilt could not bring me to tell her what happened. So I tried once again to separate and this discussion led to my wife making an attempt at suicide, resulting in her needing to be hospitalized. The kids and I had a tough time recovering from that.

Since then, I have confirmed that my ex is pregnant (which we pretty much have known for a few months, but I was sent ultrasound pics a few days ago). Based on how far along she is (ultrasound said 12w/5d)....I have no doubt it is mine.

(well, a DNA test is still a good idea :-) sometimes things are not like what we think they are)


But I cannot bring myself to tell my wife as I fear she will make another attempt at her life and I could never forgive myself for that. Also, she decided to have tubes tied after last child, so that will add another layer of pain.

( I remember the Saturday night I told my wife, it was ugly.... I tried to make sure she had family near by.. but it was getting late and I had already had cousin clean out all my stuff.. tell you more about that later.... Bottom line is this, weather she needs a doctor near, family, friends whatever..... you gotta tell her... you gotta come clean, with ALL OF IT! )


As far as where I am with the marriage, I love my wife, but I don't think I've ever been "in love" with her....sad, I know. On the other hand, I have been in love with my ex and this causes so many mixed emotions for me.

(again, your in a bubble... I sure the sex is all that with EX.
Sure she puts out ANYTIME....it's intoxicating.... and that common enemy thing....... now that's fuel for the fire)



My parents know about the baby and they have been supportive of me (they also know who the ex is). The ex's parents know as well and know I am the father...they have also been supportive of her. So it's like I come home to a bubble every day.

My ex is actually being very rational about everything. She would like a future with me but has never pressured me to leave my wife nor threatened to tell her. She has her own career and is really excited about having a baby, but ok with my wife never knowing. But we agreed that something has to give because I want to be there for this baby and she would like that as well.

(those GF's get a little tricky as time goes by..... they tend to get pretty unforgiving after a while.. when there up all night changing diapers, feeding at all hours, etc... they tend to get a bit ticked off. not that it can't keep going, but it does tend to make them bitter...)


So what do I do? I want to tell my wife the truth and it's at the tip of my tongue every day, but I know she will try to hurt herself once she finds out.

(This is really about you getting off the fence, not about protecting her. I know it may seem like it, but 4 years out from where your standing now, that how it really was.

If she needs professional help, then go get it.... ever cross your mind that your wife is miserable as well and would leave you if she knew the whole truth???????? Then again, mine "fought" for me. Really she just didn't want the other "B*t*H" to have me.

Truth be told, it was a good thing......

I'm sure I have ruffled a few feather here too... Hope to hear from you soon.

TH

)

Hey TH, nice to see you around these parts. This poster reminded me of you early on. I am glad you can give a male perspective though I have to say that those of us who "hung on" too long in your opinion are doing QUITE WELL.

Hi FF,

Whats make you think it was you I was thinking about. :-)
Got about 3 others off the top of my head too......

Well see if he is willing to post again.

Good to hear things are going well.

TH

He won't be back. He isn't as stubborn as you!

Good lord, I never post on this board but holy CR*P...this is some seriousy sad and disturbing justification with ZERO remorse for what he's just delivered his BW...I feel like I need to go wash my mind of this bullcaca now.

I don't think he'll be back either...waaaaay too foggy.

TH,
You best not be looking over my direction...(snort)

Happy Cinco de Mayo.

Glad you stopped by.

- Kimmy

Sensei :-)

I do hope all is going well........

Is there a reason I should look in your direction? :-)

TH

I thought maybe I was one of the 3 others.

Pep is sensei. I am grasshopper.