I am not sure but I think I am having a breakdown. It has been 5 days since DD. I just found this site yesterday. Quick update. Husband met up with old girlfriend (one right before me). They had an affair. Lasted about 6 weeks before I found out last week by seeing txt msg on phone. He broke it off right away and wants to get back together. Says it was never about love..even though the txt said I love you! I am devastated..destroyed...18 years of marriage. Stress very high...not only this but other issues: 17 year old had baby out of wedlock, husband lost high executive job, just bought new business, went back to work in business after 4 years of being at home. AND now this. The reason I ask is I was starting to "level" out. Could look at him, talk to him (about work stuff)...then my libido went through the roof (not like me at all...after this I thought I would never want to have sex again and now that is all think about), after days of not eating due to being physically ill, I want to eat everything. I have moments of high joy to wanting to cry! I think I am going to lose it. The four kids know nothing. Do I need to be checked in or are these just normal emotional responses? Please help I am in serious trouble.

Sue,

Wild emotional swings are very, very normal. You have suffered a huge trauma. You are most likely going to be a mess for a while. Please, please call your doctor and ask for immediate help.

Others will chime in soon.

I mean, these responses are pretty normal...what happened to you is devastating, it is a major shock to your system and your brain goes haywire....I ended up attempting suicide, so my suggestion is that you should get some help....maybe ask your doctor about some antidepressants, temporarily, to help you through, esp. at the beginning. Some counseling might help too.

I am so sorry you are going thru this....but a lot of us have been there. So we are here to help. You should also read, read and read this website...but I think first maybe some AD's would help you. Then maybe you would be better making a decision on you Marriage and whether you want to recover it or not.

Welcome to MB, Sue - the club none of us wanted to join.

I hope it helps in some small way for you to know that what you're going through is very normal. You have been dealt a very heavy blow with your WH's (wayward husband's) infidelity. You will be processing this for some time. It took me about 15 months to start feeling better after my H's affair.

This is very new for you, and I know that your world is completely rocked right now. Please understand that you WILL feel better. Better days are coming.

It sounds as though your H is sorry. That's good, but not enough. You have some work to do to ensure your R. (Recovery) First you're going to have to make sure his A is over. This is going to require some snooping on your part. Read about snooping on this site. You will need to do this as a way of making sure you are emotionally safe. Plan to do this for some time.

Your WH can help you by supplying you with:
- a NC (No Contact) letter to the OW (other woman) that you read, approve of, and send. There a examples of a NC letter on this site. We can help you craft one if you wish.

- is the OW married? If so, her husband will need to know this has occurred. Your WH will need to tell him in your presence. Her BH (betrayed husband) deserves to know about this adultery just as much as you do, and he can keep an eye on OW from his side to make sure there is no further contact.

- your WH needs to honestly answer any question you have about the A. This deception has cost you your reality. You need to learn the truth about your marital history during his A. Careful what you ask. Make sure you really want to know. I got every little nitty gritty detail. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to listen to. But that's what I needed. You may need less. Up to you.

- your WH needs to be transparent. He needs to give you all email & cell phone passwords, all voice mail passwords, anything he may possess that would enable him to keep a secret from you.

- consider being tested for STDs. You don't know where she's been. Sadly, you don't know where your WH has been, either. Because of that,

- consider asking him to sit for a polygraph to determine the extent of his infidelity. Not right now, but soon - after you've calmed down a little and are capable of framing the questions you would like a polygrapher to ask him. Because,

- YOU CALL THE SHOTS NOW. Before you found out,his affair was all about him. It's all about you, now.

This is a lot to absorb, I know. Read it now. Then put it away and read it later. You'll be getting more info from the other posters. Read the links on this site.

You've come to the right place, Sue. I'm sorry, but this is where you can get help.

Sue

sue- It's only been 5 days since D-Day and unfortunately, all your symptoms are par for the course. This is extremely painful, gut-wrenching stuff but always remember that you WILL get through this.

I agree with the others that you might want to consider getting on an anti-depressant to help get through the roller coaster of emotions you will be experiencing in the months to come- I know that many people have found them to be helpful.

I noticed you said your children don't know about the A. Why not? Have you exposed to anyone? Do you have a good support system of friends/family?

Sue, the libido response is normal. It's referred to as Hysterical Bonding. What you're trying to do is reclaim what was yours. It's very, very common. It also can help in the healing process. We went through it as well, and it certainly helped me cope.

You may want to consider STD testing, however.

Sue,

Your feelings and reactions are absolutely normal and totally typical. A lot of us can say BTDT on both counts. The wanting sex all the time is called hysterical bonding and is very typical and the going days without eating and then gorging for a couple of weeks on end is also pretty normal (unless you and I are the only totally not normal ones.

Things level out after a while. It remains a roller coaster for quite a while though so count on your emotions to flip flop on a minute by minute basis some times. It does get easier but before that you get used to it and learn to deal with the emotional swings.

Mark

Thank you so much for making me "feel" a bit more "normal". I was beginning to think things were really out of control. I will obviously be on these boards a lot in the future.

Very normal responses, Sue. My advice is gather your supporters (friends, family, children, etc.) and let them know what has happened. You will need people handy when you are ready to vent.

And vent away. Talk it out. Do not keep it inside or it will kill you. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

And hysterical bonding? Good to hear there is a name for it. I did that, too.

Read the threads. Buy the book. Listen to the people who have been in your shoes. Keep up your strength. Renew your faith in God.

Yes, Sue, as crazy as it feels, this is "normal." You're feeling things you never felt before, doing things you never thouight you'd do...because this has never happened to you before. It is the most painful thing one spouse can do to another, and you are traumatized, right down to PTSD symptoms. See your doctor. You might benefit from a short course of anti-anxiety meds to help calm you down so you can keep your emotions from running away with you. The tiniest dose can help (at least it helped me).

These boards are populated by veterans who have used Dr. Harley's Plan for the recovery of a marriage after infidelity. Many of us owe our new (and better) marriages to this place. The Marriage Builders program offers very logical steps to pull you out of the ditch and fall in love with each other all over again. Read the basics linked to the home page to get up to speed. Order the book "Surviving An Affair" (this site has a bookstore if you can't find it locally). You'll find it invaluable. There's more, but you can't absorb it all in one night.

Everyone here has "been there, done that," and we're all still standing. Take comfort in that. Not only have we lived the rollercoaster you're on, we will pass on to you what others gave to us when we were in your shoes. There is great support here.

I do have one question for you--how old are your children?

Right Here Waiting

Hi there,
My heart goes out to you I've been there myself only 6 months ago. I remember thinking I was going crazy, not being able to control my emotions, going from mad to hurt in a second.....
wanting the marriage to end to wanting it more than anything the next.....
It's so hard when you world is turned upside down.....
My advice is you are not equipped right now to make any decisions, give yourself a few weeks before you make any major decisions. This kind of news is like a death and you have to go through the stages of that in order to make sense of what is happening.......
The sex is normal, I did it as well, it gave me great comfort just to be close to my husband, it's a normal reaction.......
Don't try to over think it all, follow your heart in any given moment and as time goes by your thinking will be clearer and make more sense to you.
Don't forget to pull your family and friends in to help you.....
You need them now and come here for help as well.....
We are all here to help at different stages of the same story......
Hugs

Hi Sue-

So sorry to hear your story. This sort of thing is so traumatic. I'm glad you found this site - there are tons of materials to read, and the people here have sound advice - not to mention the counseling center!

Speaking of, are you seeing a therapist? (could be a marriage counselor, but maybe more important for your sake, your OWN counselor?) Mine has been pretty beneficial to me over the last 7 months (DDay 8 months ago). This is a roller coaster and your reactions are totally normal. But please, PLEASE help yourself too! I fought tooth and nail for 4 months to try to save my marriage. I lost a lot of weight, even more sleep, and by the time my husband left me this past January (we might be working towards a recovery but we'll see); I was in a hole so deep I couldn't get out. I was severely depressed for a couple of months before finally going to see a psychiatrist. Like some others here, I was near suicidal. The meds have helped and while life is still a bit of a roller coaster, I feel more in control of my emotions.

Please take care of yourself!

Best Wishes,
Valerie

Sue,Welcome to MB. I just recently joined (unfortunately), but this is a good place to be. There is a lot of GREAT advice and it's a comfort to know you are where people understand and can identify with how you are feeling.

I have gone through the same emotions ... feeling like I couldn't breathe, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. my body was literally shaking. I couldn't concentrate on anything except the A, which I was obsessed with.

Hysterical Bonding? I thought that was just my coping mechanism. Glad to know there are others too.

I am finding that with each day (or week), the good days are becoming more numerous -- or I am having more good hours in a row -- and the bad aren't AS bad as they were.

Ask questions and read all you can.

It is very hard to convey the extent of the mental pain to anyone who has never experienced this event.The only ones who can really understand are here. Telling others helps to ease the pain.

I am interested to hear how your family are dealing with with the situation
How many people know about it?

How are you doing today, Sue?

Yeah, you doing okay, Sue? I hope I didn't overwhelm you! I've been worried about that!