I know this subject has probably been discussed lots of times before, but I need some help. I've been married only 4 months, and I've recently discovered my husband is addicted to porn on the internet (among other magazines I found in the house). If I had been married for a long time, I'd say that our sex life was not-so-good, but being a newlywed, to me it was great. I'm so crushed; I feel betrayed and cheated on. When I confronted him about it, he said that he was "curious" about it because the guys at work were talking about it, so I thought ok. I wanted to believe him. But after he left, I went back into the "History," which he knew nothing about, and found out he had been doing it since we've been married. I've asked him what he likes during sex, and he never seems to have an answer. It's always ok to him. I'd like to talk to someone about this; both male and female. I feel betrayed and that my whole marriage is a flop. To tell you the truth, I'm seriously thinking of leaving him, which would crush me, but I can't live like this. I can't stand for him to even come near me. Thanks for listening.

Trishk,<P>Zillions of websites on this problem as you well know.<P>Bottom line: with you, he has some sexual inhibitions. With porn, he has none. Porn doesn't criticize, make demands, take pot shots at his ego, and is always there when he needs release. He's addicted to porn for these reasons. Why not take steps to get him addicted to you instead?<P>Then and only then can you have tremendous influence in getting him to drop this porn addiction.<BR>

I agree with the previous response, but don't do anything to compromise yourself. Nothing's wrong with trying new things, but after 7 years of being with my husband and trying things that should of never been tried, we now have a very stressed sex life. It's like he needs the extra stimulation just to get hard. I guess what I mean is, yes do new things, but take it slow, keep surprise as the key element. Don't make any shots at his performance or ego, even innocently! I hope things work out for you!<BR>Mater

I agree with both of you on this matter, but that's what the clincher is. We've only been married for 4 months, and I thought our sex life was absolutely wonderful. Hey, I'm open to anything, and he knows that. I might add, we are both on our second marriage, and we are not young (45 & 55). I'm still just shocked about this; not only was it porn, it was stuff about incest. Now believe me, I'm no prude by all means; and I've been to porn sites myself. Once I was involved with him, all that changed. Is this a guy thing. Please, I'd like to hear more from people on this; it has me emotionally and physically ill. And, if anybody has some URLs or books they might recommend to me, please send them my way. Thanks again.

trishk - when you say its about "incest", does this include child porn?<BR> Simone

I don't think that your H involvement with porn should be a direct reflection on you or your abilities at sex. A lot of times it is just an outlet for the forbidden and it is not something that will lead to anything serious. However, the confrontation about the porn could very well lead to something serious.<P>As long as he is not addicted and isn't taking time from you consider overlooking it. Or discuss the situation and seriously but calmly tell him it concerns you and you would wish he would stop. Hopefully that would work.<P>But to consider leaving without trying to address the situation is probably bad form. <P>Try to remember that his interest in porn probably has nothing to do with your abilities or femininity. It's not you he has a problem with. It is something he needs to meet within himself.<P>Flip

About the incest, it wasn't photos or anything, but it was the most disgusting stories that you would ever want to read (about daughter and grandmother). Now, I am not worried about my ability to do anything; I'm open. Like I said, after 4 months, GIVE ME A BREAK. What hurts is that as I look as to when he visited these places, it was always when I wasn't there (never when I was there). I called a marriage counselor today, which he said he would go, but I'll believe it when I see it. Pretty nice when you have to go to counseling after 4 months, hu?

TrishK,<P>I have been where you are right now. It was about 14 years ago at the beginning of my marriage. I have lived with this problem in my marriage for the past 13 years, and remained in the dark about it for years due to society saying that porn is OK, etc.<P>You are right on target about this being an addiction. If it is affecting your new marriage at all, it is a problem which needs addressing with healthy tools not co-addictive behavior like being more of what your hubby wants in bed or out of bed.<P>You can read more about this and I encourage you to do so.<P>Ppl often think that porn is OK, socially, morally, etc. Well, don't let society or anyone tell you it is, because it is NOT. There are more problems caused by porn in this country than we will ever know because of the socially accepted way it is talked about. Don't let society tell you that your gut feelings about this are wrong.<P>Do the research, read up on it, then make an informed decision of your own.<P>You can find more information about sexual addiction and resources for healing it at:<P>From the leaders in sexual addictions of all kinds:<P>Patrick Carnes: <A HREF="http://www.sexhelp.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sexhelp.com/</A> <P>Doug Weiss: <A HREF="http://www.sexaddict.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sexaddict.com/</A> <P>Christian and other resources:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.christians-in-recovery.org/resources/faq/sexadd.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.christians-in-recovery.org/resources/faq/sexadd.html</A> <P>And a great resource to start recovering and healing your marriage is: <A HREF="http://www.weinholds.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.weinholds.org/</A> <P>There are many more resources for this problem, but you will find them at the above sites if you search them thoroughly.<P>You can also email me at thoughtfulangel@cheerful.com<P>Hugsnprayers,<BR>Thoughtful (Deb)<BR>

My husband's father was into porn. I have known for years my H was into it, but didn't know how much until I started finding the crap in my son's room. H had been using fake po box # to get it for years. On top of everything else that was a blow. As much of that stuff as he's watched, looks like he could be a little more creative.