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Hey, when you give up on someone, would it be best to just silently give up, or would it be best to make a last ditch attempt and say "I don't think this will work unless you do this ... you really have to do this ... what can I do to shake you up so that you will do this?" If these were the statement made, I agree that this is helpful. But the remarks became person, questioning whether he is a man or not. Calling him a child. Just about as different from your statement as could be. Your right he was stubborn. failed to do what he was told. But as long as he is interacting with someone, there is a chance to turn him around.
Bh-me-45
xWW- 45
Married 15years, together for 20
served D papers on 6/2/09
Divorce final 12/19/2010
Custody of our 3 kids
DD 12
DS 10
DD 7
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The other posters leave because they know what needs to be done and dont want to do it....so if they need help after they have made more of a mess they will be back....or they will just keep living in denial....JMHO True, it's their choice to leave. but would you return to a place where you turned for help, and were belittled?
Bh-me-45
xWW- 45
Married 15years, together for 20
served D papers on 6/2/09
Divorce final 12/19/2010
Custody of our 3 kids
DD 12
DS 10
DD 7
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Probably, Once I put my tail between my legs, realized that I was acting stupidly and was ready to do the real work needed...but thats just me.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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No more input into his life, from this forum, because of this one thing. "This one thing" was an affair that he refused to put an end to ...
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And we let him go, because he was struggling to do one part of the advice. He was making changes, and doing other things to try and change his life. We "let him go"??? This is an online forum...we are just people behind computer screens...we do not have the ability to "hold onto" someone and keep them here. If they choose to leave, they do. What changes did he make?? He "said" he was going NC with his AP but we all know that waywards lie. There is more going on behind the scenes here and I know for a fact that he is continuing to lie about this. The "real reason" for him not wanting to tell the OWH is that he is hoping his AP will just leave her H for him and he won't have to deal with it. because he was struggling to do one part of the advice. One part?? One part??? This is the CRUCIAL part of his problem and if he did this all the other things (ending the A, NC in place) would all fall into line without any issue. Sheesh.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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But If you see a gap in my advice, or a personal attack from me, let me know. They are looking for help, and meaness is not help. It seems to me that you are calling some people "mean." This could be construed as a personal attack. If you do see persistent meanness from someone and talking to them about it doesn't fix it initially, it might be better to talk to the moderators about it rather than trying to control people with disrespectful judgments to get them to do what you believe they ought. Markos, if you read the post this reply was referring to, you will see that "meaness" was what they were discussing. I was mearly replying. I do not intend to place disrespectful judgements upon others. I do however, believe that a wayward who comes here looking for help should not be 1 week to do as they were told, or they are done. I believe this was the place to "rant" about things and this was a rant that came up, when I read the way someone who came here for help, was helped. I have tried to control no-one. I have repeatedly stated that the advice from this forum is very good most of the time. But can you tell me that the people who leave, feel that way? I am sorry if I have angered member of the forum. It was not my intent. I hate to see an opportunity to help someone going through this, lost because of we have grown tired of seeing the same story time and again. To them this is brand new, to us it is more of the same, and we might not be giving them the same chance as we have afforded others.
Bh-me-45
xWW- 45
Married 15years, together for 20
served D papers on 6/2/09
Divorce final 12/19/2010
Custody of our 3 kids
DD 12
DS 10
DD 7
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Posts: 2,617
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Almost five years after the event. Hindsight is 20/20. But we are talking about people who are right in the midst of it. Like she was back in 2005. Go back and read the posts. She was offended at the time. And she chose to stay, Which I am sure was the best choice for her and her family. But others are not staying, and if we play any role in their leaving, then how are we practicing MB concepts? Yes hindsight is 20/20 that is the point...a lot of people on this forum have the benefit of hindsight to help others, get it?
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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No more input into his life, from this forum, because of this one thing. "This one thing" was an affair that he refused to put an end to ... No he was working on that, he did not want to have to come clean to the OMH.
Bh-me-45
xWW- 45
Married 15years, together for 20
served D papers on 6/2/09
Divorce final 12/19/2010
Custody of our 3 kids
DD 12
DS 10
DD 7
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RANT I am so tired of the impatience and assumtions made about other posters.
Maybe the newbe is in shock from D day and can just hold it together enough to post a hello, and it's happening to them. Maybe it will be weeks before they are able to come forward and express what is happening to them.
There is so much pain and loss from this that they might not understand the articles, in the stater they find themselves in. Maybe they are in the anger stage of the grief and the desire to take out their frustrations on the OM/OW feels justifyed in their eyes. And if someone doesn't agree, then they don't understand where that person is.
I've read the material, and it took quite a while. I registered months before ever posting, so I could try to apply the principles before asking for help. My marriage is ending. Waywards do not always return, no matter how much you do.
I just wish , before we blast someone for their post we could step back and realize that everyone is in their own storm. Remember what it was like when you were in the worst part of your storm. You feel like no one else has ever felt this pain and loss.
Go back and look at the posts by people who are currently wayward, or the OM/OW. Many of them only post a few times, and then they never post again. I wonder what could have been said to help them come out of the fog? By posting here they were at least peeking out of it. I dont know, I cant really tell what your rant was about...I guess I thought that this sentence meant something other than just abandoning a poster...maybe you need to read your rant.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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When my mother scolded me as a teen I hated her, but in the long run, looking back I am so glad she did....I am a better person for it. I mean am I the only one confused by what the rant was about? If it is about giving up on a poster..then I think that has been addressed...That was not done. He gave up on himself.
Last edited by stillhere8126; 05/13/10 12:17 PM.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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MB forums work because there is such a diversity of posters. If we ALL coddled and commiserated with new posters, then we wouldn't be any different from another marriage site that I'm thinking of, where everyone basically says, "there there now now, it'll be okay, I hear ya, that happened to me too," etc, and there is rarely any ADVICE or DIRECTION given to the original poster.
I have little patience for someone who comes here proclaiming to "want" help and then rejecting what they're told out of hand. The poster you're referring to, Joey?-- I suspect he posted his story just to stir things up -- that does happen you know. Regardless, people DID try to help him and then he quit posting-- probably realizing that we weren't biting.
Tell ya what. You post your way and I'll post mine, and as long as we're both offering MB advice, then that's what makes MB work.
/rant
BTW, do you know this Joey personally? I agree that people were trying to help him, I never said to coddle waywards or anyone for that matter. I also have not complained about the responses to this rant. You have to realize when you come to a forum, that your choices, opinions and posts, may not be received by others positivly. I don't take it personally, I made the choice to bring this subject up. Everyone who has responded to me sees this situation their way. And maybe I am wrong about all of this. But the fact remains, that real families are being impacted by what happens here. We can no longer have a positive impact on those families, because they left. I believe you either speak up and stand for what you believe, or remain silent and let others decide your life. And no, I do not know Joey nor Noromeo, nor any other waywards other than my wife. My wife is just as stubborn and foggy as these waywards were, She would not listen any more than they did. I would hate to think if she were to ever come to a board for marriage building, that she would not be belittled or given up on, becasue she did not start out following the MB principles right away.
Bh-me-45
xWW- 45
Married 15years, together for 20
served D papers on 6/2/09
Divorce final 12/19/2010
Custody of our 3 kids
DD 12
DS 10
DD 7
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Posts: 75
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And we let him go, because he was struggling to do one part of the advice. He was making changes, and doing other things to try and change his life. We "let him go"??? This is an online forum...we are just people behind computer screens...we do not have the ability to "hold onto" someone and keep them here. If they choose to leave, they do. What changes did he make?? He "said" he was going NC with his AP but we all know that waywards lie. There is more going on behind the scenes here and I know for a fact that he is continuing to lie about this. The "real reason" for him not wanting to tell the OWH is that he is hoping his AP will just leave her H for him and he won't have to deal with it. because he was struggling to do one part of the advice. One part?? One part??? This is the CRUCIAL part of his problem and if he did this all the other things (ending the A, NC in place) would all fall into line without any issue. Sheesh. Yeah this one part is critical, and you and I see that. But He could not see that from where he was. He was peeking out of the fog, he was not fully out, but he was seeking help. Most waywards fully immersed, do not think they need any help. Again I do not know him, so he could have been lying, If you know he was, then that would have been great information to know on his post. Exposure. I also am limited to what is posted. True he was still wavering in his decision to go total NC with the OW. Not unlike every wayward's initial posts that I have read here. The afore mentioned Jerk statement that happened between two posters here was because of the same actions. The wayward had decided to talk with the OM one more time to clear the air. This behavior is not a surprise in waywards. But unlike most waywards, he did come here posting for help. Telling the OWH is important, but no guaruntee that the Affair would stop, and that NC could be achieved.
Bh-me-45
xWW- 45
Married 15years, together for 20
served D papers on 6/2/09
Divorce final 12/19/2010
Custody of our 3 kids
DD 12
DS 10
DD 7
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[quote=stillhere8126
I dont know, I cant really tell what your rant was about...I guess I thought that this sentence meant something other than just abandoning a poster...maybe you need to read your rant. [/quote]
I can see what your saying, But when he was called a child for not adhearing to the advice of the forum, maybe, just maybe, that was not too helpful.
Last edited by 1stepforward; 05/13/10 12:54 PM.
Bh-me-45
xWW- 45
Married 15years, together for 20
served D papers on 6/2/09
Divorce final 12/19/2010
Custody of our 3 kids
DD 12
DS 10
DD 7
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Posts: 75
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[quote=stillhere8126
Yes hindsight is 20/20 that is the point...a lot of people on this forum have the benefit of hindsight to help others, get it? [/quote]
I get it, how do you get people to the point of seeing what we know to be fact, if they leave?
Bh-me-45
xWW- 45
Married 15years, together for 20
served D papers on 6/2/09
Divorce final 12/19/2010
Custody of our 3 kids
DD 12
DS 10
DD 7
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Posts: 2,617
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We cant obviously, but the ones who stay and follow through, well that speaks for itself....
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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[quote=stillhere8126
I dont know, I cant really tell what your rant was about...I guess I thought that this sentence meant something other than just abandoning a poster...maybe you need to read your rant. I can see what your saying, But when he was called a child for not adhearing to the advcice of the forum, maybe, just maybe, that was not too helpful. [/quote] Okay, so are we back to the "meanness" again?..
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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We cant obviously, but the ones who stay and follow through, well that speaks for itself.... You make my point. How do we get more waywards to stay long enough for the material to sink in?
Bh-me-45
xWW- 45
Married 15years, together for 20
served D papers on 6/2/09
Divorce final 12/19/2010
Custody of our 3 kids
DD 12
DS 10
DD 7
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Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
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We cant obviously, but the ones who stay and follow through, well that speaks for itself.... You make my point. How do we get more waywards to stay long enough for the material to sink in? If they are not gonna follow the advice givin by the people who have been there, then we really cannot help them...then the point of "getting them to stay" is moot.....If they truly are ready for change and to do what it takes, then they will stay...if not..they may leave, they may keep lurking on this website, they may wake up, they may not...we cannot control that.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Unless you want to beg them to stay and not follow the advice given? IDK, what do you think?
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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The responsibility for the wayward spouse who chooses not to make the right choice is on the wayward spouse. Just like AA is not to blame when someone keeps drinking, we are not the reason a wayward stays wayward. I will not claim that responsibility. This happens in our society a lot....we take on the responsibility of other people. And it never helps the person, it just makes them more entrenched. So if I am blunt and a wayward leaves, it is not I who put them or kept them in adultery. It is on THEM.
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