I don't know much but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't do things or say things you don't want to do just to make him happy. There has to be honesty and a happy medium. You both need to be able to compromise somehow...

I just don't know how if he's not being open and honest with his feelings...

Hopefully a veteran comes along to help you out soon.

Margie,

Thank you so much for responding. I agree that negotiating is needed. I also feel that just compensation is needed as well. My problem is determining which is which.

SD:

Everything is different now isn't it?

So, keep heading toward the light.

O&H will always get you to a better place.

It might annoy your H in the mean time. Because for years, he was getting what he wanted. Be it SF, or IB, or not having to worry about other things in the house.

Kinda a nice place to be.

And your taker took over and you had an affair.

So, he likes the old model. Not the new one.

But the new model works longer and better.

Stay with it.

LG

Wow, just wow!

That analogy says it all.

I am updating this to respond to Luroosi2 from another thread and follow up on an analogy that she wrote. She was speaking to a WH who is disappointed that his BW isn't on board with SF the way she was pre-affair.

Luroosi gave a great analogy about his burning down her house and how he needs to do the heavy lifting for the rebuilding. I sort of T/Jed at that point and asked a question.

I don't know how to quote and copy and all that so her is the jist of it...if you don't get the analogy, look at DJB's thread.

Anyway, I asked about rebuilding the house. In my marriage, I built the first one, I did the heavy lifting, I built it mostly to my spouses specifications leaving out things important to me to please him.

Then I burned it down....torched it beyond recognition.

Now I am willing to rebuild and he is willing to let me. My question was to whose specifications???? I know POJA says we should brainstorm and build something that suits both our needs. I agree with that in theory but the practice is hard...especially when he liked the house the way it was...and I never really voiced my opinion before.

Understandably he doesn't want to give up his house....especially since I am the one who burned it down...and I should be grateful that I am even permitted to live in it.

O&H is essential...even if he doesn't like it. Being conscious of HOW things are said can make a big difference. After my A, I think I drove H crazy sometimes, telling him every thing in my head. Actually, he said he liked it, and it helped him to trust me even when he didn't like what I said. If you are honest with him and he gets upset saying you didn't pick what you knew he wanted, I would just tell him that you are trying to be completely honest with him all the time now. That you are sorry you went all those years not telling him how you really felt at times. How you know that you allowed yourself to become resentlful instead of just trusting him enough to open up, and you never ever want to go down that road again.

As far as the house analogy, I understand him wanting to have the old house back, but it just can't happen. You are both different, the A does change things - it doesn't have to be some life sentence, but it does change things, andtime just doesn't go backwards. If I were going to build a new house on top of the ashes, I would want a BETTER house. It takes longer to build a better house....but it's worth the extra time and effort.

I know it's a hard tightrope to walk - not being dishonest or agreeing to things that make us resentful while still reassuring our BS that we are repentant. I learned to slow down my response time - instead of immediately resisting because it was the "old way" or immediately acquiescing because I had an A, I asked for time to think. I verbalized the conflict that was going on inside my head. It made a huge difference.

Mmmm asking for time to think sounds like a good plan.

Right now he is over analyzing everything I say or do and I feel constantly on the defensive; however, I am not doing anything wrong so I just rely on the O&H.

He was distrustful of everyone and everything before so I just put a nail in the coffin.

Reading your posts helps. I will begin verbalizing more what is going through my head (now that I am paying attention.)