I have spent the last week reading and reading on this site until I feel like I know some of you like friends in real life: Scotland, Melody Lane, Neak, Pepperband,,,,,and the list goes on. I joined when I first found out under another name, but don't remember, then started concentrating on trying to heal on my own. STUPID mistake.

OK let me back up and give some info. BS-Me age 50, WS-Him age 46. Married 12 years, together 14. Blended family of 4 (custody of all from the beginning), ages of kids 24, 19, 18 & 11. Things started seeming off about 3 years ago, but we had a lot going on and so I was not too worried. Then in the Fall of 08 he really started acting distant (going out with friends more), fighting more over petty things, yet our sex life was still awesome (one area we have never had problems). He took one trip out of town without me in May (our first time apart). When he came back he started really putting an effort into us and the family.

July of 09 I had to check something on his computer and that was when I found the e-mails. I read most of them and realized he had been having an affair with his old GF from high school for about 9 months. They had been e-mailing for the most part, then talking on the phone, phone sex, naked pictures sent all a build up to the weekend alone in a hotel in May. The sex was horrible, he had "issues" (so there was never any intercourse, just oral sex on her, none towards him). There were many e-mails talking about the stress of seeing each other again after 20+ years and that was why he could not do anything. What a waste of money on all those condoms...HaHa! They planned another try and then I found out.

I did not realize that I handled it better than I could have. Basically told him life was too short, if he wanted to go be with her to go I would not stop him or make waves. I loved him very much and would be willing to work on us but only if he stopped seeing her and put in 100% on us.

I look back now and I was in shock, because a few days later it hit and I cried harder than I ever had before, then the nightmares, the mind movies etc. I joined this site (I had read HNHN years ago) and another site. I realized that the OW had really not come clean with her H, so I told him. It was a very hard for me to do, but felt it was the right thing.

Things seem to get better between us, we both put in a lot of effort. I stopped having nightmares nightly, the mind movies slowed down and I thought wow this is going to be OK. Here it is 10 months later and I feel like I am back at the time after D-Day. I cry daily, the nightmares are back, the mind movies are horrible and I hate this. I cannot believe he did this to us, to our family. Who is this man who promised me he would be different and love me forever?

Now comes the really weird part...during sex I actually think about him with her. In my fantasy the sex was not bad like they both talked about, but it is good. What is wrong with me? Am I loosing my mind? Why am I torturing myself?

I plan on trying to be more active here. The other site was not at all Godly and God is a huge part of my life. I believe in forgiving others and believe God can change people. So I feel this is where I need to be and hope you all will share your wisdom with me. The veterans (and some of the semi-vets) on this site are awesome. I need help. My H is doing everything right and I feel that my behavior is going to get old real soon. I am sad, weepy and at times distant. Help!

HU

I am sorry you are here. I am a WW and my spouse is having similar issues now 9 months from Dday. Your post helped me gain perspective from his side. I don't know why it is starting up again for you. Are there many triggers? My H can't really put his finger on it either....or he doesn't want to tell me. Not sure which. I know if I could change something I defitely would perhaps your WH feels the same.


Have you shared your feelings with him?

God Bless

Sunnydaze,

Yes we talk about it a lot. He says all the time that he will do anything to help me and I believe he is sincere and you seem to be as well. The triggers seem worse now than before. I go around all day fighting the tears. Granted I do not give into and try allowing myself a few seconds to think about it and try to move to a more pleasant thought.

My H has told me I can look at his computer anytime I wish and his cell phone, he is very transparent. He told me this morning again that he loves me with all his heart and is so sorry to have hurt me. I hear the words, but want to feel them like I did the months after d-day.

Can I ask you something, being a WW? Do you ever think it would be easier to just move on and not have to see his pain everyday?

HU

Throughout our marriage I always did what I thought he wanted me to do in regards to jobs, kids, household stuff etc. When he gets so upset that it seems he cannot take this, I sometimes wonder if he is wanting me to leave and "put him out of his misery." Then I second guess myself and wonder if that is just me taking the easy way out. To be honest I really don't know which it is.

If I could look into his heart and know that he loves me and really wants to make this work then I think I could put up with the hurt and anger indefinitely. My problem is, prior to this, I doubted his feelings for me and this isn't helping. He always did the right thing and I sense that he stays out of obligation. So, I don't know.

I also want to convince him that he is a great guy and it wasn't about him....it was about me and my boundaries and weakness. Unfortunately, coming from me, I believe that sounds hypocritical and hollow.

I didn't think talking to a WW would actually help me understand things, so thank you. My H thought I did not want him, thought many things that were not true prior to the A. I will say I was not meeting many of his needs then and will take my share of our problems before the A, as will he. What I won't take any blame was on his choice to cheat.

Funny you should say that about looking into his heart. I said almost the same thing this morning. I told my H that though his words were wonderful that if I could only see into his mind and heart it would be so easy for me to believe in us again. As you can see I am very confused by my own feelings.

I just want to go back to before all this happened. There are some days that I just do not think I can stand the pain for one more minute. He has asked me at those times to come find him and he does drop what he is doing and we get down on our knees and pray together.

Let me add this, his ex-GF was the one that got away, that he always wondered if she was the one. His A was a kick in the pants we both needed to remember why we got married, how much we loved each other and how truly blessed we are. It taught him that all the years that he held on to her "fantasy" was just that a fantasy. Meeting again in person totally destroyed that illusion.

Is there someplace I can go read your story. I am still learning how this site works.

HU

Hi HU,

So sorry you are are hurting.

Can you please provide a little more background? You said that you guys have a blended family, but from the ages of your children, it looks like at least one of them is a COM (child of the marriage). What happened in your first marriages? This info helps to understand where you're coming from-- was there any adultery in either of your 1st marriages? His or your ex's? You or him?

It would also help if you could try and remember your username back then so people would know what you were advised to do back then.

Welcome back to MB! The place none of us ever thought we'd be.

HU:

You stated this:



No you don't. That marriage ended in an affair. That relationship is dead. You want something better.

I understand that you want the life that you had before you found OUT about the affair. Before you had that nasty, smelly thing dragged into your marriage.

And your 8 months in. Your husband has done much to address the issues. But its anger time. Time for your taker to come out. You have been repressing your taker for 10 months, and your giver has done given out.

Now is the time for your (F)WH to truely step up.

Keep posting.

LG

I have just recently tried to update my thread. The title is "Okay Here Goes". I haven't gotten many responses this time around so it may be on the second or third page by now. I don't know how to work this site too well either.

LG, How should her (F)WH step up? I also would like to know what I can DO???

Thank you for the welcome Princess and you are right, this is one group I really never thought I would belong to, because I trusted him completely. I will try and find my old user name. I actually had set up a new yahoo addy when I did it and cannot even find that. Nor do I remember what advise I was given. Then I got involved with the other site, huge error on my part and bad advise given. Life was pretty foggy for me after I found out or maybe I was suffering from PTSD. I remember one time standing in the kitchen for over an hour trying to remember how to turn on the stove. I was crying, wondering what was wrong with me and embarrassed to ask someone to help me do something I had been doing for 30+ years.

As for more info. Yes we have one child together, the 2 older boys are mine and the other his. We are fortunate that the kids have all gotten along fairly well. His son was abused by his mother and thus the reason she lost custody. He is the only child we have had some issues with, but with his childhood prior to living full time with us it is understandable. We honestly have always counted our blessings because blending a family can be very difficult.

I am getting ready to leave and run some errands before picking up my daughter from school. I will write more about our previous marriages when I get back, if not tonight, then tomorrow.

HU

LG,

I have not been angry since day one. Maybe I am afraid to allow myself to let go. Reading your post made me start crying. I guess I don't want to go back to before it happened, I just want the pain to go away.

I don't know how to allow my taker to come out, I have spent most of my adult life being a mother and giving to everyone. If it was not my kids, I was trying to be the perfect daughter. Always give give give.

Be back later, need to go dry my eyes and get to the school.

HU

HU:

About this:



You don't have to allow your taker to come "out" It will all by itself. That is where the anger is coming from. You have suppressed your taker for years. And NOW..... IT is coming out as anger at your (F)WH. Understandable.

And it is a healthy thing. Because the anger DOES have to come out. It will come out in other ways, if not directly.

So, your doing good. Keep reading, keep learning.

WHAT is your (F)WH doing to help you heal?

Do you know everything you need to know about thier A?
Has he instituted good Extraordinary Precautions (EP's) to prevent another A?
Has he started to meet your EN's?

LG

I'm not sure that the anger is coming out due to your Taker being suppressed all these years...almost every BS here has been through this crazy anger stage and your timeframe for it to be hitting is right on.

I wish there was a silver bullet to all of this recovery stuff and we could wave a magic wand and everything would be "fixed"...but there isn't. IMHO, here are the very best things you can do to get "unstuck" from the place you are in right now:

~begin counseling with the Harley's. They have a PLAN for recovery and it works for everyone who follows it.We have done this (and went on the MBW) and I am certain it's played a huge part in how well we are recovering.

~learn all you can about meeting ENs, avoiding LBers and getting your EPs (Extraordinary Precautions) into place.

Use all of the basic concepts here on this site...POJA, PORH, POUA. All of these things plus those listed above work together seamlessly and they WILL make your M better than ever. But you have to use thenm; hope is not a plan.

WHAT is your (F)WH doing to help you heal?
Do you know everything you need to know about thier A?
Has he instituted good Extraordinary Precautions (EP's) to prevent another A?
Has he started to meet your EN's?


Let me answer some of these questions before I need to get to work. I woke up feeling better this morning, I hope it last for even a few hours. I am back to taking one day at a time and if that does not work I switch to one hour at a time.

My FWH is doing some things to meet my EN as well as reading a book I downloaded just for WS's, but he could do more. Is there anything he could read on here that might help him? Years ago we both read HNHN and then I loaned out my copy and never got it back. I will have to buy another as I love that book. I am not sure what else he can do. I also plan to buy Surviving an Affair.

As far as how much I know about the A, well I read most of the e-mails between the two of them. Seeing how at the beginning she was pursuing him, the "I love yous" said between them, the aftermath of the weekend together where he had "issues", then him trying to back out of the A and her planning to move here to be closer to him (leaving her husband and kids) telling him how next time it would all work just fine. That was extremely painful for me to read it all.

Right after I found out he told me I better do nothing to cause her any problems. After he came out of the fog he then said "you do whatever you need to". Amazing how his attitude changed once he was able to see clearly. That was when I decided to tell her H and he sent the no contact letter. We have had several talks in which I asked more questions regarding things I needed to know, which positions did they try, how did she touch him, how did he touch her. I am a detail person so I needed to know everything. As much as it was very uncomfortable for him to answer, he did.

What EP should he do? Are you saying once a cheater always a cheater? I actually wondered if this was a midlife crisis. You know trying to recapture his youth, going back to high school??? Let me also say that soon after I found out I install a keylogger on his computer to make sure he did in fact stop all communication with her.

Do you think I am trying to hurt myself with my mind movies during sex? I cannot find anything on here regarding that subject. I almost did not bring it up because it is embarrassing, but I need to know why and I need to stop it. Could I be punishing myself?

It is so hard to try and tell the whole story so you all get a real idea of what our lives were like a few years ago. We were so in love, he is my best friend. I not only love him, but I really like him too. Then life got in the way and we stopped meeting each others needs. We had become very unhappy.

I want to be happy again. Sorry this is so long, but it feels good to be able to talk to someone. My friends just do not understand and I know it makes them uncomfortable to hear it, like they might catch it.

HU

You're not trying to hurt yourself, you are naturally processing this whole thing. Your mind is running the gamut, from knowing nothing to knowing everything. Don't worry about the movies during sex. That will fade. (btw, it's normal. I understand that you might feel embarrassed, but you don't need to feel embarrassed with us.

Thank you MB for telling me that my actions/thoughts are normal, believe me I feel far from normal anymore. I read somewhere that I would someday have a new normal and that may be true, but life will never be the same again. Part of me has died.

HU

Unfortunately it's very normal...it would be best if you could tell your H this so that he can help you through SF without these movies in your head....my H knows about this and together we've come up with ways to help elminate this torture for me.

It's helped our SF life as well so that has been a bonus.

If your H is anything like mine it will make him sick to know this is happening to you and he will want to do whatever he can to make it stop. Men are "problem solvers"; once they know there is a problem they just want to fix it. And it's heartwarming to know and feel protected.

I don't know that I would want my H to know I was imagining him with OW. I don't know if it's a good idea to put that image in his head. JMO.

I already shared it with him. Our sex life has always been amazing, even through the A, we will both say our only complaint was we did not have enough of it. That is why I was so shocked when I found out because I thought A's were all about sex and could not understand why he would even try and look elsewhere when what we had was so great. That is when I found out it was more an EA, which was the need I was NOT meeting for him.

So after sex I started crying and he was very worried. He asked what was wrong and I shared what happened and also shared that even though I knew it was not good between them, it seemed that every time we started to have sex I thought of them together, but was able to get rid of those thoughts. The last thing I want is OW to be anywhere near something so special for us. This was the first time though that she stayed even if it was only in my head and now I seem to not get rid of her.

Could you please share what you all tried to help get rid of the problem. You are right he was upset she was in my head.

Thanks
HU

My thread title is wrong, it should read..."lost my mind/heart/trust, help me get them back".

My mind is turned off so I stop thinking about the time they shared together, the things they did and said to each other "gag". To think this OW knew everything going on in my life, if I had a head ache, what I made for dinner, when I was in the showered.....my heart is broken and it will never be the same. I trusted him with it, laid it out and gave it to him. He then took a hammer to it breaking it into a million pieces...reminds me of Humpty Dumpty falling off the wall...no one could put him back together again. Lastly...trust...geez nothing to be said about that, everyone on here knows what it is like to trust someone and have them betray that trust.

Sorry for the depressing post, but I really needed to vent while I sit here crying...again. I am so tired of crying and feel like it is something that I don't want anyone to know.

I have been reading on here for the last few hours. The last hour was just reading other threads about those that are in dark plan b's or still trying to break up an A and I think to myself that I need to stop and be thankful for what I have. Then I feel guilty for crying. OMG I am such a mess.

HU

Hi half, sorry to see you are here. I just wanted to say I was glad to read your thread. I am having a similar problem. I just had a baby in January, and found out in feb that my hubby had an affiar with OW, someone he met online, and had txt, met for lunch and had sex with. I also unfortuanatly found out he had went on craigslist trolling for oral sex encounters with MEN. Apparently he had 5 encounters with men, and only slept with OW once, but has been texting and meeting her for lunch since 07. I am devestated and confused. I have only known for 3 months now, but it feels like an eternity. He is doing everything to be transparent and save our marriage, he has sent NC letter, given me all passwords to all accounts, put gps on his phone so I can track his whereabouts, started pitching in at home, with kids, and housework. However, I feel like its just like a kneejerk reaction. I wish I really could look into his mind to see if he was doing all this out of obligation, or if he truely has made a HUGE misteake and has now had a wake up call. I TOTALLY understand embarrassment, especially with the MAN thing. I tried having sex with him the 2nd month in, in an attempt to "save my marriage" I thought I had to have sex and be wild to keep him. Then, one day, I realized...I cant live like that forever. I stopped, mostly because like you said. I would imagine him and her together, or I would wonder if he was thinking about me or her or MEN? The thoughts take over and I just couldnt continue to have sex with him. Even kissing him is hard for me. The whole "knowing where his mouth has been" thing is really getting to me. I cant even kiss or hug him without having the thought of what he did. I know I cant be like this forever because our marriage cant go forward, however, I just dont know how to overcome it. The mind movies are horrible. Especially at work.(because that is when he had all his encounters with men, while I was at work) . Im afraid I will lose my job. I am checking the gps every 15 min all day long, I just cant concentrate. Please dont be embarrased, we are unfortuanatly in the same boat. I pray everyday that this will end. I will pray for you as well. I have hope that we are both in the right place to get the help we need. God Bless you