Just looking for an outlet here.

I'm 28. After 20 months of marriage, my wife moved out. Why? I could write volumes. She grew up without a Dad, her family absolutely hated me, and she didn't really believe in marriage in the first place.

The tipping point for her was when she got mad at me (for something really petty I promise) and decided to let me sleep alone for two weeks straight. I finally gave in to my carnal desires and she came home to me watching porn.
I followed all the proper advice to get her back. She wasn't coming back. No dice.

I get it. I completely get it. We are not compatible. She is not the marriage type. We got married too fast, lived
together while dating, ect. I was devestated for about 3 months and now I'm over it. I don't miss her anymore.

I saw her apartment and it is an insane mess with crap all over the floor, dishes unwashed, garbage here and there, and now there is a dog too that pisses on the floor. I do not want any part of this. She can not take care of herself. Her family should be so ashamed for encouraging her to divorce me. She needs someone, but it is not going to be me. I do not want this back.

Now the problem is that I don't feel anything at all. My sex drive completely fell off of a cliff and now I don't have any desire for anybody. I met a nice girl who is better than my wife in every way. She is interested in me, she knows I'm going through a divorce and is ok with that, and I just don't feel any emotion for her. She is prettier, smarter, and has the same values and a lot of the same life experiences as I do. I haven't dated very much in my life because I didn't know how to approach or talk to women very well. Now I'm dating probably the best quality woman I ever will.

Dating is easy. I know what to do. I know how to be caring and attentive. I know what to give her and how to talk to her. I just don't feel anything. When we make love, I know what to do, but I just don't have that much interest in it. I used to want sex so badly and frequently it is like a reflex. I feel like I should be having it, even though I don't want it that much.

I don't think I'm depressed. I do feel like I don't want to be alone, but I am so turned off by women now. They seem horrible. The idea that someone can love you for months or years, and then just do a 180 at any time makes me not want to even try. I hate the sense of entitlement they seem to all have. I hate their insistance on perfection, all the while completely unable to see their own inperfections (which are sometimes GIGANTIC).

The one thing that will make me feel something is my step daughter. I saw her briefly recently, and I had to take the day off from work because I could not compose myself. I just don't think that many people will understand that. How many people will you have in your life that you have taken care of that much, and who are that innocent?

3 more weeks till it is official. I need some kind of catalyst to get me out of this funk and it isn't Jesus.

I think you might be generalizing.

.
...
I don't. How old is she and what exactly do you mean?

don't be so sure.

opt


Maybe you should have waited until it was official.

I'm generalizing my feelings buddy. I can't find ANY woman that really attracts me anymore.

People think because you are not related by blood that you are not going to have feelings toward your step children. Even worse, they seem to think that you shouldn't. I drove that girl to school every day for 2+ years. I taught her to tie her shoes and to read. We played games. I took her on walks. Family dinners. What does it matter how old she is? She is crushed by this too. She could barely say the word 'hi' to me the other day. When we split, she kept trying to give me things to remember her by.

And why does everyone think I should have to wait? Of what sacred importance is the State's recognition of our divorce? She's gone. It's over. Why should I be held hostage to this? She might even drag this out past 3 weeks. It might be another 6 months.
How many nights am I supposed to come home alone and sit by myself? What purpose does that serve? It's really easy to tell people that they should have to wait, but it's quite another thing to do it yourself. It's really ridiculous the ideas people have about this. They know NOTHING. There is a part of me that thinks it is jealousy. People are jealous of the freedom. They want you to suffer like they are.

She was your first girlfriend, you have a long history of depression and suicidal thoughts...you should have to wait because you are not whole and complete in yourself yet.


It serves to make you okay with yourself, instead of hooking onto some woman in hopes that she'll make you complete. I agree with the notion that you may be discounting Jesus a bit quickly.

You wait so you can work on yourself on the inside, there is no need to rush into another relationship....Maybe the reason why you dont feel anything about anyone is because you are not ready to yet....waiting doesnt have anything to do with the divorce goin through...If you rush into another relationship you will be bringing your personal baggage with you.

You need to work on yourself, love yourself first, before you can truly love and give that love to another...unless you do that you are not being fair to the person you are in a relationship with....

And I dont know if you are implying that you want a relationship with your stepdaughter, please dont....that will not be good for her. How old is she anyway?

I think right now, JMHO, Jesus is the best thing for you.

Also it might be a good idea to talk to a doctor about getting some antidepressants and IC...I am no doctor, but I do have depression...it sounds like you are in a depression. Funk is how it is sometimes described...

>it sounds like you are in a depression

Nah. As painful as this all was, it is nothing compared to the depression I had years ago. I don't think I'd ever take meds.

>And I dont know if you are implying that you want a relationship with your stepdaughter, please dont

Yeah. Nothing like that going on. The whole thing is just rotten. I thought I had a family there for awhile.


Thanks for the comments. Writing things down can really clarify your thoughts. I'm not just talking about this post, but it is always interesting what other people read in to other people's posts.

Finally I'll add that I'm having trouble being decisive. I wonder if that is a common reaction to divorce. I used to be so sure about everything, but now I find myself doubting myself and sitting on the fence about many things. But after thinking yesterday, I'm forcing some decisions about what to do next.

Yeah, well I am not divorced but separated. I can tell you that I can hardly make a decision to save my life and WH left two years ago....And I wasnt like that before. I dont know what it does to your brain, but I think its pretty normal for such a big transition in your life, Ya know?

I cant understand losing a M and your step daughter too...I have never had a stepchild so I cant relate...but it must be very painful for you. I am sorry you are hurting, I wish I could help you more.

ABC,
You first posted in August of '08.

At that time, Catperson advised you to start familiarizing yourself with MB concepts like Lovebusters and Emotional Needs.

You never really developed a thread so, it's hard to see what you have been up to over these many months.

Have you studied the basic concepts? Have you attempted to apply them to your life, to your relationships?

Opt

ABC,

When I first found out the truth about my WS everyone tried to reassure me that I would meet someone else. I never thought that was the issue. I would counter with the belief that I would never be attracted to anyone else. I knew that I would have people interested in me but never felt I would be interested in them.

My very wise sister said to me "TM, you will never fancy anyone else as long as you are still in love with WS".
She was so right. A year later, I am still being asked out and I am now in a position mentally to consider my options because I no longer love WS and can no longer imagine a life with him.

I feel it is still early days for you yet. Don't rush into anything because it is not fair on the other person.

Look after yourself, protect yourself. This is the time for you.

TM

It is natural to feel hurt when the person you loved is gone. I am seperated right now from a 14 year marriage. We dated for 5 years prior so almost my whole life has been with her. I often think and feel that no one will want me and when someone shows interest in me as much as I feel lonly it is nice but I am still very much in love with my wife even after her betrayal and know that I am by no means ready nor do I want another relationship for a long while.

It takes time to heal and I feel I am in for a long haul, the reason they say to wait is because even though you feel you don't love her it is still impacting you. The fact that you don't feel anything for someone that shows so much interest in you is proof enough of that.