The OW moved in accross the steet after a year and half or two of no contact from my H. A mutual friend (HA!) kept calling me asking me if we had gotten D yet. This "friend" works with OW. OW moves in a month ago. My H and I are shocked. Large city, I know it's not a coincidence. H and self have talked prior about moving because we both hate city we live in. No problem, we agree! Here is the problem. Although he has not betrayed since caught in last affair,(one yr. ago aprox. sexual encounter when drunk, very remorseful for it). I'm not sure I trust him to not do it again. If I move I'd be moving away from my adult children (not nesacarily a bad thing) as I think my H and I would have a better chance without their input. My H is excellent with our children 8yrs. and 9. Think it's important for children to have their father. He is not a good provider, but feel we can overcome that issue. He is willing to go to church. But he has binge alcohol and pot problem. The alcohol problem has lessoned through the yrs. and is only about once every 8months or so. But when he drinks he is more likely to cheat. I am thinking if we move close to his sister who frowns on all this behavior it might help. He looks up to his sister and really cares what she thinks. H loves me and I love him and do think we have a future together. We have so much to overcome it seems overwhelming. I guess I'm a little afraid to make such a drastic leap and leave the security of the rest of my family. I'd really appreciate your input on this. <BR>Thanks<BR>Ginn

Ginn<P>I cannot think what I would do. But it seems awful risky to move away with a man who goes on binge drinking forays and cheats, is a pothead (not a bad comment)and is a poor provider. And if you move, then he will have his family and you will be the outsider. I would have to think twice about that. His location is not his problem. His addictions are. And they will go with him. I think you are deluding yourself if you believe that his sis can have a positive influence to the degree to straighten him out. If he is old enough to have an 8 and 9 year old, then he is no child. He needs professional help and me personally, I would not stay in that marriage unless he got it. You owe that to those two children. They need to come first. The damage that his addictive personality can cause will possibly reach so far into their lives. Please talk to a counsellor or something before you make this drastic change.<P>And get away from the OW. And that person is not your friend. She is playing you.<p>[This message has been edited by ubu (edited August 18, 1999).]

UBU, thanks for replying. I have thought about all of that too. I guess the OW moving across the street is kinda making me panic. I have talked to our Pastor and he does want to talk to my H. The other thing is that we just bought our house 2 yrs. ago and its the fist home we have owned. How do I deal with the OW living across the street. It's making me crazy. All the old feelings of hurt and a few comments from him about communicating with him were love busting on his part, be it ever so subtle (didn't mention her name, I knew). Although I know the conversation was about me when he was with OW,how terrible I was, LOL. I thought the same thing about just being around "his" family. And all the other issues need to be resolved. He's home tomorrow, I'll see how things go, maybe he'll be willing to go to some counceling, although refused marriage counceling in past. Thanks again,<BR>Ginn

Ginn-<P>I personally would have a problem w/moving to get away from OW...just on principle. I have this thing about my home, my sacred haven. I will not be afraid in my own home. But that's just me. I'm so bad w/it that my friends tease me with the story of the guy whose town flooding but guy wanted to wait on God to save him and his home. A boat came by carrying some townpeople to higher ground. They offered him a ride. Guy refused...said he was waiting on God. After a few days, he kept praying to God, why haven't you delivered me and God answered...I sent a boat! Their point to me w/the story is that when the threat is right at your doorstep, sometimes its time to to find another doorstep. Pray about all the ramifications for a move. God will answer.<P>I can, however, relate to ubu's point re: addictions following you. I have just recently realized that my H suffers w/an alcohol problem. Withou going into all the details, like ubu suggested, his addictions followed us. Each of his affairs was a different city. We have lived in four cities since we married, he has had 3 affairs. My H is in denial about any problem in drinking area and has refused any type of counseling, marital, substance abuse, etc.<P>Like you, we have a lot to overcome. My only advise is to pray and seek counseling.<P>God Bless!

Enlightened, I guess it's just hard walking out my front door and seeing her car there. Or for awhile there she sat on her front poarch and stared at me evertime I went out the door. She is rubbing it in my face. The thing is we were talking serious about moving long before that because the job market in this town really sucks. It was on 20/20 saying it was the worst place to get a job in the U.S. The employers here treat people like dirt because they know they can get away with it. The pay scale is lowest any where. We call it the $5.00 an hour town. I know it's not going to solve his drinking. He's not a cronic drinker in the sence he does it all the time, it's just when he does he goes way over board. <BR>Thanks for your input. And I have been praying hard for a solution. I know it's (the solution) in Jesus and he will answer. And has been. I prayed with someone else, next thing I know my Pastor called that night. I had thought about calling him but decided against it. When he called I was really upset and spilled everything (not in detail). What a relief to know he is there for us. He is willing to call my H into accountability. God does answer prayers. I'm sure Pastor and wife are praying for him too.<BR>Ginn

I am so glad that you are talking with your pastor. <P>As for getting away from the OW, I understand that this is your first home, you are buying and have lived there for only two years, live in a depressed area, so you probably can't afford to move. No equity yet and so on. So, moving isn't an option now. I agree with enlightened about standing up to her. I know that I would.<BR>Honey I probably would sit on my porch and have the H there and just rub my life in her face but that is me. Some people can't do that. <P>Keep talking with the pastor and seek outside counselling. And again, please don't make that move until you know it is the right thing to do.<P>Peace<P>Ubu

UBU, I have infact done just that. When H was ready to leave on his spur of the moment trucking job, I went out to the truck, even though we had already done our goodbye's, and lingered on the running board and gave him a lengthy kiss and hug goodbye. I also gave her the big google eye thing whenever I cought her staring at me. (Felt kinda silly doing that but wanted her to know I saw her and how stupid she was being staring at me). Also had my adult daughter call her and ask her why she had moved in accross the street. What a dizzy broad. She said, oh I didn't know he lived there. And oh, no we never had anything going on, all lies. There is to much evidence to the contrary. And admitance from my H. Any way my daughter kept it short and to the point and told OW that her mom, (Me) is offended by her presence and the fact she moved in there after all that Mom (me) had to go through with from H. Also that I had my eyes wide open! It was perfect! I thought about calling her myself but felt it better this way. Not dignify her with a call from myself. Also let her know I have family here that is willing to get involved in the situation if necessary. I have not seen her out side since the call. I am praying that she moves. But more than that I am praying blessings on her. If you read my other posts you will know why, all I know is it works. And I am trusting God to remove her. Thanks for all your input. I am doing better, love this foram. It is helping me to get some stability in myself.<BR>Ginn

**<p>[This message has been edited by cl (edited August 19, 1999).]