All in favor of this biased book say aye...

"AYE!!!"



ETA: Oops, forgot to say; (((hugs))) to you, igrip.

I just did some more online exposure now...it feels weird. Like I am in a bit of power. I'm almost shaking, but I know I am in the right. NOTHING can be deserving of adultery....no one. He rationalizes and blows smoke and the only one believing it is my wife. This has to stop and exposure is the only way..I believe it. Will see what transpires....everyone on our email list should be getting this email now...will keep posted. Holy crap...I feel like a can of worms has been opened - but guess what, I am not making anything worse. This can go either way - so far, I have been nice overall, and that has gotten me nowhere.

Her mom understands me now. Used the book and the 'alcoholic' analogy with her since she was lied to as well. Will see...this still sucks but will see.

Good job! Will she support you in killing this affair?

Also, if there are any more exposures, such as the OM's parent, I would get this done TODAY. Ideally, exposure needs to be done on the same day so you are dealing with one blow up instead of numerous blowups.

What about the OM's facebook friends? That is always a great exposure.

That's because you ARE! YOU are controlling how this goes now. YOU are controlling YOUR life!

Be prepared for steam to be coming out her ears when she finds out. She will be LIVID... absolutely LIVID!!! They all are. Hang tight for the ride and remember you are doing this to save your marriage. She will be like a two-year old throwing the biggest tantrum you've ever seen. She'll say things like you've ruined it now, I was actually considering working on things, blah, blah, blah. THEY ALL SAY THE SAME THINGS!!

Your response to her in a calm, cool and collected voice will be I am doing this to save my family. Don't argue with her, just let 'er blow....

Well done. Is there anyone else you can think of? Cover it all today, then sit back - look out for the flames coming out of her ears.

Done...will see what happens next.

Here is an interesting development.

Tonight, she was stuck in traffic and came home late. As she came in, I was feeding our daughter and had dinner ready for her at the table. I told her I was glad she was home safe and happy to see her.

Then after a few minutes, she looked at the clock and asked 'didn't I need to go?" (tonight is one of the busiest nights of the year at my business). I told her I had priorities now. She looked at me in disbelief and I said 'the greatest learning comes from times of greatest pain' remember?

Then, my daughter mentioned my dad (which my wife doesn't really care for too much) and she 'reacted.' I told her 'calm, baby, calm.' She teared up a bit saying "I wish that I could' and went to the kitchen.

As I left, I told her to have a good night, I know she worked hard and I appreciate her contribution to the family. She was tearing up again. Then I kissed baby and left.

This is the FIRST emotion I have seen from her in the almost 3 weeks since I found she was not happy. First ever. Is it a move in the right direction? Is Plan A making any kind of impact? Too early to tell, but any small victory or step forward is better than a step backwards at this point. I feel good tonight.

Thoughts?

igrip, why did you leave?? Where did you go?

igrip, I haven't posted here in a while, but reading things here have gotten me though a lot.

About a year ago, I was in your shoes. I had exposed and heard all the same things you have heard. My marriage had not been good for a while and I had not slept in the same bed as my wife for years. I listened to the advice of everyone on here, except for the part about getting back in the bedroom. I felt a lot like you seem to, that would be forcing things too fast, I had abandoned it and didn't feel right about doing it, etc. Well the day never came. To make a long story short, I am now divorced. Listen to the people here.

I am not saying that not going back to the bedroom caused my divorce, not saying it didn't. But I know that staying out didn't help.

I have been reading your thread because of the similarities I have seen in my story. There is one big difference. I did not have really young children like you do. That makes it so much more vital that you follow the advice here. It is your best chance.

I didn't tell you my story to discourage you. But I have been through this and it ain't easy. I will give you some advice the very wise bigkahuna gave me. If you take every little thing as a sign of hope, you will be up and down like a yo-yo and have those hopes dashed a lot. Just do you plan A as long and as well as you can and don't expect anything. And don't talk about the relationship. Every time I said "yes we can" it gave her a chance to say, "no we can't."

She doesn't need any reinforcement of that, even if it comes from herself.

Good luck, you are doing good. But it sucks.

Went to work....just later than I usually go so I could spend more time with my family. An extra hour, but that was noticed.

Came home tonight and my wife was still awake for the first time in a few weeks. Talked a bit in the kitchen...not about anything important, but I listened to her. Did not bring up 'us' once. Told her 'thank you for staying up...it was good to talk to you' on her way to bed.

Will see what the weekend brings....

Thanks for the kind words....

igrip, do you and your wife work different shifts? Because if you do, that will make it very difficult to recover your marriage because this program won't work unless you spend 20+ hours a week together.

I think she is feeling conflicted, which is a good thing. I think some of the punch of your "priorities" got diluted when you left to go to work, though.

That does make sense. We 'can' possible spend many hours per day together...an hour before she goes to work, 4 hours before I go to work if I don't take off and 3-4 hours after I get off work on any given day. These days, she is a bit 'scarce' but I still try to be there without 'pushing' her away.

This morning, we had breakfast together then she went to call her best friend. Good sign? Maybe...maybe not. All I read are signs....I know that is not good for me, but I do.

She asked a few questions today...and I answered and listened well. I think she 'can' see my changes. Not sure if she 'wants' to see them or not though.

Man oh man, this roller coaster does not get any easier.

Spent the afternoon together today..with our daughter. Were at a steak house where they were playing country music...she teared up a few times (which of course, makes me tear up) and she was singing along to some of the songs...but I don't know if she is singing about me or him. Oh, that drives me crazy.

And she really does not seem happy. I ask her what she is feeling, thinking..and she does not tell me.

I have SO much fun playing with our daughter. I said a few things today (like I was excited to be together, etc)....she nods and mumbles how I never said that before. WHAT CAN I DO?

Then we go to the playground and I am a great dad and two of us are having a great time...doesn't she see this and want this for her child? For the father of her child? Her husband. Can she really feel that the grass will be greener on the other side...after a divorce? I want to think positive, I really do...but inside, I am crying.

I am trying trying trying to be as patient as I can, but inside, I am SO SCARED. I wish that she would just listen...believe....and GIVE US another chance. I am devastated inside beyond recognition.

This, again, is all normal huh? That is what I am afraid of hearing. Sucks sucks sucks.

Igrip

I am a FWW. I just want to say I am sorry for what you are going through. Yes, horribly normal I have to say.

Every time I read about the pain a BS goes through it reminds me of what I put my H through. However, I want to encourage you to be strong. You are feeling sad and hurt by what she has put you through but you need to be strong and not wallow with her. She will have moments of pain and self pity but remember it is self inflicted too. There are the right times and moments to be understanding and sympathetic.

Be strong and try not to be fearful. If she sees fear all the time, she will use this to manipulate you and keep you in that place of fear.... all to control the relationship. Patience and strength. It is way more attractive. Easier said than done, I know.

All the best.

igrip, her reaction is very normal for someone who is in withdrawal from an addictive affair. check this out: Four Rules to Guide
Marital Recovery After an Affair



No one saw, did they?

Just talked to her..and asked about the tears because I cannot figure her expressions out. She said she was sad that it came to this....she sees me reading and changing but she was 'checked out a long time ago.'

Inside, I am devastated. I told her thank you for telling me how she feels because for 12 years, I have been interested in how she felt and it is hard to stop now.

Again, keep going and trying? This sucks beyond recognition. I just want to go into my room and cry because nothing I can do makes it easier. And I am not the crying type...

Tomorrow, there is a dinner for my dad's birthday - she said she wants to go so it is not awkward for me, I told her she did not have to, but she wants to. I can't see her 'faking' it and I know it will raise question if she is not there, but that is such an uncomfortable situation.

So, I still am confused...all normal? All part of the plan? There is still hope? Really, is there? I could throw up inside too......and this is just the marriage part going away, I'm forgetting about the affair because I just want my wife back.

[quote=MelodyLane]igrip, her reaction is very normal for someone who is in withdrawal from an addictive affair. check this out: Four Rules to Guide
Marital Recovery After an Affair


That link did not work...can you check it for me? Thanks.

Try this one...

Link<<<

Well, the more I read, the more I have to pay attention to 'actions' and not words. Thanks MB. I do feel a bit better tonight than I did earlier.

HARD not to take her words for face-value though (we were done a long time ago and I had checked out). Perhaps. But for some reason, I will continue with the plan and hope for the best. I am not done fighting for this marriage. I don't mind doing 100% of the work. The toughest thing I have ever done in life is this. But I want it SO BAD.

Keep me going everyone..pep talk needed. Thank you.

Today has been an interesting day so far. We had an argument this morning.....she thinks everything I ask or do is an 'angle.' I told her I did not have an angle and that I wanted my wife and life back (kind of relationship talk, but I was backed into it...I'm sorry).

However, she told me they were not talking since Friday. I suppose a lawyer or him told her they should back off for a bit (legal apprehension I think on her end as this is no longer a 'no fault' open and shut case).

I checked redial and while my daughter and I went bike riding, she tried to call him three times. She claims he did not answer but that is lying through omission, something that she usually does not do nor does condone (she told me that when we first started dating...I tried to call an ex...did not talk to her, but the fact that I tried to call her was lying when I said I did not talk to her). Moot point, but now she is doing that to me?

He is on vacation. She claims he did not contact her for the past two days..no pictures, no stories, no text, email, facebook, etc. So, he might be backing off..and she is in withdrawal? I have no clue what is going on here....of course, she is angry. Maybe that she got caught in another lie? Maybe if he really is not talking to her, that makes her sad? No idea......