Yep, he thinks you're getting them directly. Make sure you DON'T know that. You know way too much about his living arrangements as it is.

Remember the purposes of Plan B:

1. Separation from your wayward spouse's drama so that you can preserve your love for them. That means you are completely unaware of the life and goings-on of the wayward as much as possible.

2. Give your wayward spouse a taste of what it will be like if you were to be divorced. Meet NONE of your wayward spouse's needs so that the affair partner is forced to meet all of them.

3. Provide a road-map back to a loving marriage for the wayward spouse, with very few, very specific conditions under which you would be willing to accept them back into your life. Typically, these three conditions are:
A) That the wayward be willing to consider no-contact-for-life with the affair partner,
B) That the wayward commit to complete transparency with the betrayed spouse in everything they do, and
C) That the wayward commit to a program of marital recovery with the betrayed spouse, typically the MarriageBuilders home-study course or similar.

4. Prepare yourself for life after the divorce. Once you go into Plan B, you have far less-than-even odds of a successful recovery. It is your last-ditch attempt to negotiate an end to the affair... and if the affair won't end, then the marriage must.

Have you reminded him of the road map through your intermediary?


That's a tough one... usually, Plan B is to go as dark as possible. No contact at all if possible, not even through the intermediaries if it can be avoided. You aren't interested in seeing him in any way unless it is to discuss how he can achieve the three goals you've outlined.

I thought it was odd you were doing the olive branch thing at all, really. Typically, when you go Plan B, you go as dark as possible to the offending spouse. Otherwise, you end up meeting a few little needs here and there, allowing the wayward to continue to cake-eat in some small fashion.


I hear you. During the fallout from my wife's affair, as recently as January, my oldest daughter began carving a heart into her arm because she hated the idea of "love" when it led to so much screaming in the house. Every time I see the scar, it is a poignant reminder of the profound effect infidelity has on domestic tranquility.

It's hard. Even today, sometimes I have to swallow so much resentment when what I really want to do is let it loose. And then FWW picks up the ball and runs with it for a while in recovery, meeting my needs with remarkable agility, and the resentment fades.

Time.

You could check into an occupational therapist evaluating him for sensory processing disorder; then they can develop an intervention plan to help "de-sensitize" and teach him ways to deal with his own sensory overload.
I would do that in addition to counseling.
JMHO

Exactly and if he is diagnosed you can get him an IEP or whatever it is your schools have to protect him and make sure his needs are met at school.

Scotty, you know the principal or school counselor may have been on to something...go to your ped and ask for a OT eval.

Hugs Scotty

scotty I hope my posts didn't upset you.

Don't worry about me. I just needed some time to process things. I am upset by a lot of things. The least of which were your posts. It's sucky. Oh, that killed. My WH used to call me his "sucky" and when I just wrote it now.......well. Don't worry. I needed to take a break. I had to work too. It just sucks to feel this way again. I am really upset by all of it again. It's okay though because I know that behind the tears comes strength from growth. I am also a little mad that my parents can do it. Well, I am gonna just plow through. One day at a time, one moment at a time. I can get through this again.

I hate that this weekend should be a time for me to celebrate. My Dad comes home safely from Scotland. My Mom moves back in and they try to reconcile. Instead, I am dealing with my son and I am at a loss. I WILL NOT medicate him, he doesn't need that. I believe that sometimes some teachers just want to not deal with problem children and they just want to medicate. That is not necessary for him. Others kids surely might need it. I feel like the medication of children is happening way more often than necessary.

So, also, this morning DS9 said he wanted to write WH an email and me not to read it before he sent it. Well, I am sad to say that I was curious so I did read it. It pretty much told my WH that he wants him to come home and that if he thought this was a good idea, he was wrong.

I logged onto my bank account last night and I saw that WH has now opened 2 new accounts. I don't know why I can see them. I am not really surprised. I am surprised by the emotions it has evoked in me today. It has added to the feelings I already experiencing. Then it was a horrible day at work. Well, the good things about bad days is......THEY END.

This is one of the most trying parts when your spouse upsets your children. They act out.
Because many of the diagnosis start to get handed out about our children and we can honestly reflect back to when they were not put under such pressure emotionally. It is infuriating, But just like we could end up with such a diagnosis after being abused over time its important to take such news as part of being human and the best way for the layman to help, not cure nessesarily, the symptoms or the root cause of the problem. The knowledge that we would or could react the same way if put in simalar circumstances helps us to have mercy on our child or significant other. We all have a breaking point.
A truly concerned and professional counselor will be able to help your Son through this time without treating his emotional pain with medication I pray. But don't sell that option short on merit, or believe that the treatment somehow dooms your son to medication for the rest of his life.

I doubt you would take the lazy road in your childs development and will help him get the emotional and mental tools he needs to help him deal. You allready know him well Mom, you are his comfort and will continue to be. Medication might help him thru this time, I hope it is not nessesary and you know best of course but its nothing to be ashamed of, especially with small children who havn't developed thier frontal lobe enough to think things through but still feel the pain of rejection and the frustration of not being able to do anything about it.

I have allways been susceptable to depression and my father didn't help much when I was a kid. Now that my wife has passed I have slipped into a slump that I can only referance to childhood depression. I thought I had that whipped a long time ago and had been able to fight through those old feelings for many years. Dissmissing them as hogwash and thinking positive but they are back 35 years later.

From what I gather this is common for people with depression that they can slip into it because of life events, health, etc.. I am going to ask my Shrink for Anti-Ds and expect them to pull me out of this slump. Its just temporary I hope but I am sick of feeling this way and am willing to get help. Believe me when I say that if you knew me years ago you would never believe I would end up being the Sadsack I live like now.

My children realy don't understand because although they see me as tough as nails and tender with them as an old softy and I need to shake it off. For me first I guess but definatly for them. I don't believe medication is my answer but it can be a crutch until I can walk again. I am still that little Kid inside wanting a relationship with my father. I had one with my heavenly father and untill I feel Him in my life again I need help coping. But remember its about feeling not just head knowledge.

I pray you find a way to help your Son in the most positive and uplifting way for the little guy. As you know he deserves the best.

Well, I finally got out of DS7 what led up to his "meltdown" at school yesterday. They were having this charity raising thing where they had to skip rope. DS7 has not ever skipped rope and didn't know how. He was nervous that he would make a fool out of himself. He refused to participate and was just standing there. The teacher tried to MAKE him skip. He wouldn't. Then the principal tried to make him. Then they called me. I remember times when I was a kid that there was a kid who wouldn't do something. The teachers just told us to ignore the kid and do what we were doing. Don't they do that anymore? Is everyone supposed to be a cookie cutter of a person and act the same? If so, my kiddo is gonna have problems for a LONG time.

I am behind you then if you do not think medication is an answer. I pray you can get the school to help work a plan to help him deal. Sounds like they don't have a clue and/or they think you don't either. Hope you can work it out with them.

I hate medication too. Almost like if God wanted us to take pills he woulda... I believe that your Son can be helped without meds, its just so Sad that teachers are not what they used to be and that the ones who could help have thier hands tied. The education system sucks.

There is a bumper sticker I agree with.

"They took God out of the schools and now our jails are full"

I remember when science complimented a loving God who created everything including science for us. Now we are told in our minds that we are to think of ourselves as an accident of nature and God is a superstition used by religiuos leaders to control us. Funny Ive allways been insired by love and enslaved by fear. I also pretty much fought against the powers that enslaved.

OK Scotty in any event Hugs to you and DS7, DS9 and scootch.

You still rock

God bless the little guy.

Freakin stupid teachers.

Well it makes sense . His mom is the only one who can make him do anything right? That cuz she loves him

hey hey, SSO, not all teachers are stupid...

Though I do agree that from what you are describing Scotty she does not want to "deal" with your son. There are so many options in order to help a kid with what you are describing. Many people have posted good ideas for you.

Also, is the teacher aware of your sitch? Sometimes a little information is helpful to the teacher to understand some of the issues.

Just a thought. I know knowing things that were going on with my students allowed me to be more compassionate when they were highly stressed. It can't hurt.

Scotland,

I used to teach 7 year olds at church. I had some pretty strong willed children in my class. At the same time, they all craved approval. One boy couldn't sit still. The lesson was about the ten commandments. So I had them all do push ups as I read the commandments out of the scriptures to them. They settled down after that for the day. Another time, I had a little social butterfly couldn't stop chattering. I had her come up and stand beside me and share with the class all the things in her life she was grateful for (I kept a gratitude journal in my bag of tricks.) Then they all wanted to share.

I'm relieved that this incident wasn't actually organic from your son, but rather a problem with the school system your son is forced to endure. I'm sorry your son doesn't have a teacher with a little more creativity in her.

However, how many times as adults do we have to "skip rope" when we don't know how?

There are always new things we have to do and try and risk that people will make fun of us (or fire us) if we don't measure up to their standards.

I remember the first time I was assigned to make phone calls to a whole bunch of people I didn't know who were volunteers for the organization I worked for - and introduce myself and ask if there was anything I could do for them. That was something I did not want to do at all. Guess what I do for a living now? I work in a call center! (and there are days I still don't want to dial!)

Since your son is feeling that everything is rather punitive on him right now, could you set up a reward system planned in advance for every act of courage he can tell you about in his day? Every time he says "okay" when someone in charge of him asks him to do something he doesn't want to do. The scarier the deed, the bigger the reward and recognition from you?

On the days when he gets out of hand, try doing something physically active and make sure the food you serve has no sugar or white carbs. Sometimes these strong-willed children do better with good exercise and nutrition and don't need the medication the school system seems to encourage.

No-sugar/soda in the diet would do more than Ritalin for most ADHD children!

One more thought. The school year is almost over.

Get to know the teachers in the next grade up as the school year ends and pay more attention to those teachers your son might have next year. Interview the parents - which teacher did the best job at managing strong willed children and keeping the class engaged and in the learning process. Pick your son's teacher yourself - it may make all the difference, and form a pact with that teacher at the beginning of the year in a way that will help your son get through his challenges.

Let the principal know that you want more hands-on involvement in your son's education so that she has less trouble with him next year.

Poor little DS7, I would be afraid of looking like a fool too! I agree with no medication. My friends son was very hyper and could not sit still. She got her son assigned to a classroom where the teacher was creative with active kids, especially boys. She allowed them to stand during lessons if that is what they need. She gave them loads of hands on activities and plenty of exercise. Her son excelled in that class when in first grade he spent the whole school year being punished.

Some teachers do not like boys. My DS 26 had some horrible elementary school teachers who made it clear they did not like boys. Then there was the wonderful teacher who instead of telling me DS talked too much told me she just couldn't find anyone he did not like! She was a peach.

ok scotty i know i don't comment too often but i wanted to tell you, from what you described about your son i don't think there is a medical reason for him to be on medication.

I am qualified to make that assessment but as i said i am only reading what you write and part of the assessment for the need of medication is the parents perception of the child and how he interacts at home with activities and other kids... including homework, video games, sports, chores... ect.... so at anyrate please don't let anyone bully you into having to make your son take meds. It's a way to quick fix and not solve the underlying problem in some kids.

Your doing a great job!!!

My DS did the charity raising jump rope thing too a few weeks ago....he was freaking out too cuz he never jumped rope before and when they practiced in class he stunk at it. My son is good at a lot of things, but he is very uncoordinated and I figured jumping rope wouldnt be his thing.

I think it was stupid they made a big scene about it...I dont think they would have done that at my sons school, IDK I think they made it worse...I mean some kids just are not coordinated.

I could NEVER do any gymnastics and they always just had me run around the gym instead of torturing me to do something I just never would be able to do. They should have done something like that...My mom may have written a note to the gym teacher to do that though. She thought it was stupid for them to make me do gymnastics...

I am with the no medication too. I think in general it is sooo hard for boys to sit still like that all day, my DS teacher when she notices they get restless opens the class door and lets the kids take a short run outside (of course weather permitting). Shes always done it so there is probably some good that comes out of it. I mean these kids are so young and nowadays they just seem to work work work....

6 1/2 hours with just 45 minutes for lunch and recess, no other break, unless the teacher decides to put some fun stuff in, and some dont. Too Much IMHO. Sorry I guess i babbled.

Exactly STB4, it's not that if my son needed it, I wouldn't want him to have the meds. I just don't want that to be the quick fix. It's not that my son is an angel at home and horrible at school. He has his moments here too. He has more of a problem when things aren't going his way. That's always been him. It's not the only thing he got from WH. He looks and acts like him. My WH had problems dealing with him too because he always said, "He's supposed to listen to me, I'm the adult." I went to positive parenting classes and the teacher was AMAZING. I used a lot of the techniques here and WH would use them after he saw how they worked. DS7 does have his moments. I just have to stay firm, give him time limits and tell him there will be consequences if it is not followed. You have to show him that your will is stronger.

I have to go talk to the principal on Monday morning before DS7 goes to class. I am anxious about it. My friend, who went to school for youth counselor said she would come with me. This principal will be moving schools and unfortunately, there is only one class per grade in this school. It is really small. We will see what happens on Monday.

Not that I am supposed to know stuff about my WH but I did find out something today. My friend took her daughter to that party at McDonald's where DS7 was going. She said, "Your WH wouldn't even look at any of us." Wayturds.

BTW, I think I answered this before but I did talk to the teachers and principal about our sitch at home. They know all about it. I have actually witnessed times when my DS7 would get in trouble for doing things that others were also doing. I also have seen the teacher show favouritism to other students. I don't need my kid to be the favourite, just not treated like the worst child in the world. A couple of my friends also have strong willed children and when they had this teacher in grade 1 the MEDS came up. Their doctors LAFFED. Also, in grade 2, their teachers said they weren't children with problems at all. Dunno, I will help DS7 through this. School's almost out for the summer. Just over a month left.

Scotty, I also agree that the school didn't handle that situation very well at all. I am also against the 'quick-fix' of putting kids on medication. That being said, my DS10 is on medication, and it does help him greatly.

I'm certainly not trying to convince you one way or the other as I am no expert. My son has had quite a bit of evaluation and we did get him some extra help through our school. Pinky and I worked closely with medical folks, the principal, and most importantly, DS10's teachers. They have been great and he is doing very well. Nobody knows your kid like you do, so do what you think is best.

I would recommend to have him evaluated anyway if you can. Just for a professional opinion and your own peace of mind. I wouldn't fear that the medical professionals are going to be so quick to prescribe meds. Let them know from the start that you are not in favor of it. If there is an underlying issue I think you would want to know so that you are armed with information to deal with it.