I've stayed pretty focused today. I'm trying to make a plan for the rest of my weight loss....I hAve 68 more lbs to lose to be at my ideal weight. I meet with lawyer today.....I'm a Little anxious about it.....I also worry about the hearing date; I hope I don't have to wait too long.

Hope,

Yours is another thread that I read through. My heart aches for you and I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your children.

Hang in there, you are stronger than you think!

HU

Thanks for all the encouragement...my visit with lawyer was canceled because their power went out from storm. I won't proceed until Monday....whatever there is to proceed with.

I'm a little blue tonight...worrying about my kids. I don't expect my husband to spend much time with them from now on. He never did much with them anyway, so this will give him an excuse to really be away and start his new life.

It's too bad that I couldn't be in recovery once I found out, but no such chance. We don't even know where he is; I guess it shouldn't matter at this point.

Just surviving tonight.....having to be the only disciplinary has sent me over the edge.

(((hugs)))

I'm sorry you're feeling down and hate being the disciplinarian. I know the feeling. H is always the hard a$$ and I'm nicer. It's kind of irking me now but, oh well.

You're not the only one feeling blue so {{hugs}}

I'm sorry margie....I know I'm sometime just thinking about myself; I know there are so many more out there like myself. My specific problem is my 7 year old. he's bi-polar and very hyper also....he's pushing me at every corner.

I will say this: Our home has never been so peaceful...no yelling or screaming. I'm trying to work on kids not yelling and talking at normal voice levels.

Good Morning everyone,

I'm enjoying the peace and quiet at home....I know everything is just beginning, but I'll take the moments that I can. I dread any contact from him or even seeing him. I still hope and pray for reconciliation, but I'm trying to get ready for the fact that there will be none.

He still has a ton of stuff here including clothes. Should I start packing up all that? I'm tired of the reminders of his being here. The garage, shed, and our closet is just full.

Our wedding pictures...nothing makes me more depressed as when I see those. It's a reminder of our commitment to each other and the fact that he broke that. People keep telling me that he's in a mid-life crisis....is there such a thing? I just think that's an excuse for men who want to abandon their family and start over.

"Midlife crisis" is a meaningless label placed on those in this age group for some reason I cannot fathom. He is acting the same way as other adulterers who range in age from 25 to 65.

here

Thanks Melody,

You're a great researcher!!!! What about boxing up his things? I'm ready to make some room and his stuff is everywhere.
My dad is more amazing than he knows. He was a salesman his whole career and so we always teased him about not being mechanically enclined. Yet, since he has been at my house, he has fixed the lawnmower, mowed the lawn, and changed lightbulbs. I'm so grateful for them. My parents gave me a solid foundation and even though the house is falling down, the foundation will stand firm. My dad's favorite verse,

Galatians 2:20, "For I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless, I live, yet not I but Christ lives in me and the life I live in the flesh, I live by the faith that the son of God loved me and gave himself for me."

I had forgotten about dying to self daily and this scripture reminds me of that....I have to die to self, so that I can see clearly and be a support to my children. One day things will be right again with or without him..."Seek first the kingdom of God" These were some of my first principles in life provided by my parents. They have been so steadfast in their walk with God. I hope that I will find my place eventually.

Well, guess what I just got in the mail? A notification of an address change from one of my husband's credit cards; it's in both our names. You guessed it; it was changed to the OW's address. Isn't life funny? Deny, deny, deny, and then move it and now I have it on paper. Just another piece of evidence.

However, it sent me into another round of depression....I can't stop crying and sulking. I wish I hadn't opened it. I sent him a text message saying that I noticed he moved in with OW and this is what he sent back,

"I did not make that my change of address. I needed that card last week, but it would not work because they went from Visa to Mastercard. I did not send it by phone to there because I did not know if I would be able to get it. My change of address was done Thursday for Quinlan, that was a need fast address to get the card sent to. I needed it to survive. you are very wrong."

Such a fabric of continual lies...why not have it sent to his school or his brother's house? Why her house? Well, I'll tell you why, because they are still in contact. She will have to hand him everything or he will just go over there and pick it up. I'm so disgusted.

RIGHT. So sorry you had to see that. But I don't believe he has ever ended contact. Not for a day. If you get his cell phone records, you will see.

As far as packing up his belongings, there is no reason you can't do that if it makes you feel better. Box it up and put it in the garage. That way he can come and get it without coming in the house.

My daughter called her daddy today and he says that he is at lake and was moving his things into storage. He has this whole circle of friends that are at that lake that I have never met. He has told them the most horrible things about me over the years...also, to his friends at school. I have no friends that he doesn't know...and everyone who knows us knows how he is.

He wants me to be nice and friendly through this whole thing, but I'm not feeling very nice. Everything feels so final. There's no stopping it and I feel so helpless. What message am I sending my children. It's hard not to be sarcastic in my talking about him.

Yes, he wants you to be his "friend" while he tears apart his marriage and his family. That will make it easier on him. I would AVOID being sarcastic, hope. That does not help your case at all. When you go dark in Plan B, you want to leave a good taste in his mouth.

And the reason that exposure is so important is becuase the WS spins the story to everyone. I would expose the affair to anyonre and everyone that has any influence over him. That way, the he can't move the OW in to take your place.

When he calls in the future asking to get things like "dental information", tell him that as a single man he would have to handle these issues without you.

But, that as a team and married to you, then you handle them together, because in a marriage you rely on the strengths of one another - just a benefit of marriage.

It might seem like a small thing - but it is a need that YOU are filling.

SB

Hope, when I read this I could not help but see the scene as his throwing a huge temper tantrum, like a teenager might do. He wants what he wants, when he wants it. He threw the fit to try to force you to do....what???? Because the very next day, after this drama, he returns crying....

Here are my thoughts, if they help:



Well, he's gone!!!!

Yesterday was horrible with a capital H. He came home and immediately started asking me questions about filing...whether I was going to serve him the papers or hand them to him. He is afraid, of what he has done, and how he now realizes that YOU actually have some power in the situation. He did not take that into account when he "planned" this.
I was wondering about his coming here, but it turned out he has some informant that told him I filed. I think I advised you before about the gossip mill at school....watch out. Trust no one. We both know lots of people in the district and someone i talk to at school has spilled the beans....but he doesn't know everything because he badgered me all night trying to find out.

He went through our whole sex life like it meant nothing....we never had anything...he was never interested, but it's funny we managed to have 4 children. He told me it was over...no matter what. I said, "then it shouldn't matter about my filing." Good response. He is hurt that you filed, because it was completely unexpected. He thought he held the control and the power, and he was driving the bus. You blindsided him, and now he has to refigure his position. He wanted time to have his cake and eat it too, and you obliterated his chance to do it. He said, "It matters because I can't believe you want to embarrass me and drag my name through the mudd after 20 years of marriage." Remember, he dragged his OWN NAME through the mud. You had nothing to do with it. He is trying to make you blameworthy. You are not.

He continued to insist that the OW is not in his life and it never developed into anything....thanks to me. You peed in his Post Tosties - bad girl. Don't hold out too much sympathy for him. Anyway, the long and the short of it is I told him my parents were coming today and he said, "oh so you're bringing in the calvary?" More embarrassement for him. Too bad. He hadn't planned on all the exposure, either. He then proceded to wander the wandering was stalling - he didn't know quite how to react, and was looking for somthing to do/say... around the house and get his computer bag....he left and then came back. He left, and got his head together, sort of got a power surge. He went and told my two older children that this was it This is really childish on his part - he wanted the drama, to try to make yo look bad, like YOU were throwing him out or something, in the middle of the night, so he could refer to this event later on. The drama...so the kids would remember and maybe blame you and take his side....he is hoping the kids do not know or fully understand, or maybe will sympathize with his "pain". Try to explain this to the kids as best you can, that he is confused, that he is having problems with his emotions and not really making good decisions, and that this event in the night was one of those times in his life. ....there's no coming back. So, at 11:15 at night my 14 and 11 year old began to cry uncontrollably...I spent the whole night trying to console them and tell them how sorry I was that it had come to this.

I don't know what else to say other than I'm so tired and scared of everything. H is all worried about what I'm doing and why I'm trying to hurt him and I'm only going to be hurting the children. When he makes this point again, be sure to emphasize to him that his AFFAIR hurt the children, and the his affair is the reason for your situation - nothing else. And that HIS AFFAIR could stop at HIS CHOICE, but he chooses to continue. Tell him that the marriage could be saved, that his choice could be different - it is all HIS CHOICE.

He's so convincing about the affair being over...will I be making things worse with the way I'm filing? He was crying when he left and then left me a written note, "YOU win!!! He felt defeated because he realizes that he did not have this planned the way he thought he did - that you would not lay down in the doorway like a doormat, accept his affair, and allow him to run over you in a divorce process. He said that to make you feel bad about having - for once - stood up to his threats and power/control behavior. He has felt entitled to the affair, and he is angry that YOU TOOK IT AWAY. He will get over being mad. Wait for that time, because it will come. The "you Win" statement is actually a statement of SHOCK on his part - shock that you returned fire in a situation where he actually expected a bland surrender....he expected no fight for the marriage...you surprised him completely. I think that he did not believe you loved him (or perhaps convinced himself that you would allow a quiet divorce). I'm leaving like you asked." He's going to be over here today getting his things...he's taking the day off.

You wouldn't believe how resolute he was last night about us being over. And he was back the next morning not so sure...crying. He will go back and forth. Take the opportunities as they come. When you see those glimpses of your "real" husband, talk to THAT man. when your wayward husband shows up, DO NOT talk to that one.

Thanks Schoolbus,

I appreciate that disection....it helps me to see how he thinks. I agree that he was not expecting me to do things this way. I've always been labeled "gullible", "layed back", and "easy going"....I think he was counting on all these qualities. People at my work would say, "you, you did that?" I think that's why it was so hard for me to stay focused.

How do I leave a good taste in his mouth when i'm exposing, divorcing and kicking him out of his home. Even if i'm cordial, he'll only remember the above things.

Hope you are doing all you can and that's all you can do.
It is possible that God has other plans for you rather than being with your abusive WH.
What might seem like nightmare to you now will in the future look like a necessary step for you to achieve what was meant to be. Be it you R the M or you do not.
Do not focus on R right now. Focus your energy on you.
You H will do what he will, you have set up a situation where he has to be on his own now and has to deal with his choices.
Let's see how badly he wants to be single again and how fun that is after a while.
But do not wait for him. Take care of your self.

Blessing

It's hard for me to go to church right now, not because I don't want to be there, but because I dread the crying. I'm ok during the service, but the praise and worship overwealms me. My parents are here and we are all going together as a family...which is so important to me. WH has not been in church for years.

I am taking care of myself right now, but my mind will often drift to picturing them together and I can barely take it....this was such a betrayal of love, and the ultimate rejection.

Hope,

How do you get him to see you in a positive light?

I think the major thing you have to understand right now is that he sees very little in his life in a positive light, because he is so inwardly-focused.

His mind at this time is turned toward himself: what he wants, how to get what he wants, what makes him happy, what is filling his own needs. The concept of seeing anyone else in a positive light really doesn't enter his brain. The fact is that your reaction to his affair, and your strong and assertive behaviors to maintain the marriage after d-day took him completely off guard. You see, he had this "plan" in his head - a plan that was (in his mind) well thought-out.

He believed that he knew you well enough that he had anticipated your inner-most feelings and also could anticipate your reactions. The problem was that his plan was based mostly on what he had FANTASIZED. That is, he HOPED for a certain outcome, because it would serve

HIS WANTS.

He had a fantasy built up in his mind about how the affair would play out, how you would react, and how this marriage and affair would all meld together in some sort of "happily ever after" for all concerned.

It was a self-indulgent fantasy, and when you exposed it all came crashing into reality.

His temper tantrums show it. He had not thought it all out in a reality-based fashion. Affairees don't, because affairs thrive on the fantasy; no reality is allowed in the relationship because that kills the high.


D-day is the ultimate buzz-kill, and the ultimate buzz-killer is the betrayed spouse.

For the time being, your husband is in a very sad state of affairs (pardon the pun).

He finds himself staring in the mirror at the man who wiped out his marriage, his own reputation, the respect of his children and family, and his co-workers...........all over what he now realizes is something he probably didn't really want. He now realizes that he was acting like a petulant child, but cannot admit this - and the fact is he may never admit this. It is a crap shoot on that one.

He hates that you reacted outside the box. He hates that he never saw it coming. He hates himself for being an idiot, and for the fact that he cannot admit this publicly because he will "lose face". Yet he also hates that he KNOWS he already has lost face. Right now he blames you, yet he also knows that he drove this bus right into the ditch and he knows the blame is right there in the mirror.

He may admit this one day. He may never admit it.

In the end, YOU will be fine, because you will know that you did everything you could to save the marriage. You exposed the affair, you treated him fairly, you protected your children, and you protected yourself. You offered him the chance to reconcile and rebuild.

You worked to change the things within yourself that you recognized needed to be changed.

The rest is up to him. You cannot control him - because in the marriage you control ONE person - yourself.

He chose the affair. HE CAN ALSO CHOOSE THE MARRIAGE.

Keep being the best that you can be. When his eyes are reopened, he will see you in that positive light. Stay on course. Stay focused.

Schoolbus