Recently, my Fianc�e invited her friend, Fred over to our house for dinner. After diner and drinks, the three of us decided to take a bottle of wine down to the Jacuzzi behind the house. As the night advanced, we all ended up naked in the spa and talked about sexy things in our pasts. Although no sex or even kissing occurred in the spa, there was some touching and petting. My Fianc�e announced she was retiring for the evening and went inside the house. Fred went into guest room to retire for the evening; separately, we went upstairs to our room.

My Fianc�e and I decided to discuss the events of the evening. While I remained interested in an intimate evening with my fianc�e, she was not interested in anything sexual and was upset that things were starting to get out of hand in the spa. A little later, she told me she was starting to feel uncomfortable as Fred was a former work colleague and she was �never attracted� to him nor did she ever wanted a relationship with him beyond a simple friendship. As things we became more relaxed, she then approached me and was interested in sexual intercourse (but I could feel that she was not really interested). So we had sex and proceeded to go to sleep.

About an hour later, to my surprise I awoke to find me fianc�e was not in our bed.
I went downstairs and most of the lights were off. I proceeded to look through the house for her. As I approached our guest room, I heard my fianc�e and Fred�s voices � but their lights were out and the door was locked. From the voices, it was clear they were in bed together. He kept saying to her, �you�re a dirty girl, a dirty girl� and heavy breathing. I panicked, clicked on the hall lights and pounded on the door � but left to my room as I was so upset.

My fianc�e came to our room and tried to tell me it was all innocent and nothing happened. We stayed up and talked about it. She said the three of us should not have had that much to drink. Later, she told me that after I feel asleep, she went downstairs to make sure the lights were out and doors locked. Fred was in the kitchen and they talked about why she was upset. She then told me that they started kissing and went into the guest room together. She acknowledged they were naked in bed, passionately kissing, and Fred was fondling her breasts. But she insists they did not have intercourse.
Now she would like for us to �forget and forgive� and put this behind us.

This was now almost two weeks ago. I am still so upset and shaking as I think about it.
She has been staying with her girlfriends. As I have told her, I am more upset by the deceit than finding my fianc�e in our guest bed with her male friend. While I still love her and truly feel we are the most compatible for each other (Soul Mates), I do not how I could ever trust her again.

Please let me know your advice?

Hi HB - Welcome to MB.



She is NOT your "soul mate"... I'm sorry, but IMHO, she's not marriage material.




I'd run away as fast as you can before you end up marrying her only to find this same guy in bed, not with your fiancee... but your "wife".

Semper Fi,

RIF

HB, welcome to Marriage Builders! It all really depends on what your personal preferences are in choosing a wife and life partner. If you are ok with someone who lies to you and has sex with other men while you sleep upstairs, then you have your gal! As long as you don't mind her getting it on with other men, then there should be no problem.

But if you have preferences towards honesty and fidelity and common decency, you might want to reconsider and end the relationship. The thing is that you know going in that she is loose and dishonest, so when she does this to you when you are married, you won't be surprised!

You say you are in love now ["soul mates"] but if those things bother you, ie: lying and getting it on with other men, you can rest assured you won't be in lurve for long. You won't feel so "soul matish" after you catch her shagging some dude in your bed while your baby lays in the crib all day with dirty diapers.

So, I would suggest asking yourself if you can see yourself married to a woman who behaves like this. Because you can't change her! You can only accept her how she is. And if you do get married, please, please get a vasectomy so you don't subject innocent children to this!

p.s. do you have any aversions to an OPEN marriage? It doesn't sound like she really likes the notion of monogamy. She might prefer to have other studs around to service her. Sort of like a Stud Service.

Sounds like boundary issues. You were ok with what was going on in the jacuzzi? But things became not ok when you were left out of the equation? I'm not making any judgments, just trying to understand the situation.

Seriously HB - If you think this is "bad" now, and it "hurts" now... just wait until you're actually married and she does this with "Fred" or "Bob" or "Jim" or whoever she is just "friends" with from work...

You'll hear the same lines: "I wasn't really interested in him..." "Nothing really happened..." "We were just talking..." blah, blah, blah...

Read some of threads here and see if you can see the WH's pain in their posts... If you ignore these huge red flags, you'll end up back here as a BH, instead of a guy that was smart enough to walk RUN away from this prize "catch".

Semper Fi,

RIF

You set yourself up for this one.

You participated in the naked jacuzzi party.

You therefore told her you were FINE with her petting and being sexual with other men.

Blame yourself for giving her permission to continue her party with Fred.

If you want an open marriage, then marry her.

If you do not want your wife to have sex with other people, then don't have sexual encounters with others in any sense of the word, on any level, at any time, with or without your wife. And expect the same from her - make this the RULE. And make the RULES clear before you get one date into the relationship.


Can you fix this?

Maybe.

But I would say that you would be a lot better off if you two did not get married for at least two years from now. That will give you the chance to see if you can establish your boundaries, work the Marriage Builders plan for recovering the relationship, and see if this woman is anything remotely like wife-material.

P.S. This is probably not her first betrayal. It smells like routine to me.


SB

It smells like bullpoop to me.

My advice would be to disengage from this fiancee and move on to someone who will not screw around with men under your own roof.

And what the heck were YOU thinking, drinking and lounging naked in a hot tub with some co-worker of your fiancee?? If this is acceptable behavior for you, I suspect you will find yourself in this situation again - maybe not with your (ex?)fiancee, but with another woman. And don't blame it on the alcohol - that's too easy. I've tipped a few in my time. I've never been tempted to strip down to my all-together and hang out with random people in a hot tub.

You are learning a very strong lesson here.

The "party naked" lifestyle is fine for singles and those in very casual relationships. It does not transition well to marriage, unless you have an open marriage and both agree to this kind of thing.

I'm not going to jump on the "run away" bandwagon, because you were sending mixed signals to begin with by allowing the nakedness and petting in the hot tub.

You are at a crossroads and this is now the opportunity for both of you to agree what is OK and what is not in the marriage. It sounds like you both need to assess your boundaries. If you cannot agree, then it is certainly best to split.

IMO, it doesn't matter. He's responsible for his own behaviour. His fiancee's responsible for hers. And her behaviour as a fiancee is despicable to say the least.

Run, run, RUN away is my advice.

I'm sure you are right.
There were a few similar stories posted about the same time.