Ok, it has been 4 months since DDay and I thought I had been making head way on getting better. Boy was I wrong. Yet again I have screwed up and totally set back everything. Once again, I thought I was doing right and not really seeing what was really happening and saw what I wanted to see. I have to stop, I want to stop. I can't keep doing this to her, it is not fair to her and she desereves so much better. I don't want to leave, her but I can't keep doing this to her. I know this is her choice and she has told me that she doesn't want me to leave and I am not going to, but how much is to much. How long do I keep putting her through this before I completely make her insane. Gods knows I want to change and I want to be here, why do I keep screwing up? What bothers me is I think I am doing ok and then she points out that I am still the same and it frustrates the hell out of me because I didn't see it she had to point it out. I should be seeing this not her. Why am I so blind to this? I love her to no end and yet I keep doing this, it is sooooo not fair to her. I am trying not to sound like I am laying blame anywhere cause I know it all lays on me and I am taking full responsibility for it, I just need to know if anyone out there can help me?

Have you read TST's thread on Extraordinary Precautions? Here's a link.

TST's Extraordinary Precautions

These are very important steps to put into practice.

What is it that you keep doing to her?

Are you going to 12 step meetings? Have you looked into SAA? If so, how commited are you in the process.

Without more information, we're all in the dark.

I put my needs above hers again last night. I initiated sex last night knowing that she was not ready for it. She just froze when I would ask her if she wanted me to stop and I was blind and only heard what I thought she wanted and not reality. I am a horrible person for what I did to her last night.

I am planning on going back to SA on wed night. and we are reading a similar book to SAA, I guess I'll have to get that book too. I am very commited to making this work, I am just to blind to see the right way to do it. WHY? I am not trying to be self pitty crap, but I need help. I am so lost in this, I am so overwhelmed with everything that I think I am pushing her away indirectly and that is not what I want to do.

If you want this R to have a chance, you need to put her needs above yours every time, till she has healed more and is stronger to be able to reach out and meet some of your needs, too.

If you don't give her what she needs to heal...she won't. Not with you, anyway.

The rule is, do nothing without the enthusiasm of your spouse. If you can see she's not enthusiastic, don't do it. You will do damage if you do.

Quit whining and asking "why," just quit doing things your wife is not enthusiastic about.

Yes I am going to do it. Has anyone seen the movie FireProof? I am wondering if anyone has tried any of the methods used in the film, cause I am considering trying them.

You already have a marriage recovery program. It works much better than Fireproof and the Love Dare because it can be customized for YOUR wife, not the wife in the movie. I hope you won't trade that recovery program in for Fireproof. Stick with Marriage Builders.

MicheleG asked you a pretty important question.

You need to understand the rules of life, Navy Guy.

The first rule of life is that you do not begin a relationship, or have a relationship, for yourself. A relationship is a MUTUAL system. That means it is shared - by two people - and it goes on only as long as these two conditions are met:

1. The first person wants it to continue
AND
2. The second person wants it to continue.


If either condition 1 or 2 is changed, the relationship is OVER.

Your job, in your relationship, is to make the atmosphere

ALWAYS

to be that your wife wants the relationship to continue.


That would mean that YOU SACRIFICE for her.



I think that you do not understand the term "sacrifice". That means that you put her first.


I think that your worry here might be that if you always put her first, that somehow you might lose something. You won't get "your share".


Exactly the opposite is true, NG.

When you sacrifice for her, and put her needs ahead of yours, and make the conditions within your relationship such that she ALWAYS WANTS TO BE THERE - magical things happen.

That magic is that she WANTS to meet your needs. She happily goes about her day finding ways to meet your needs, finding ways to make things happen that make you happy, and she looks for things to do that will lift YOU up.

As this behavior goes back and forth, the relationship builds. It becomes one of giving - back and forth - so that the two of you find it so easy to give, and so easy to receive, and the two of you feel safe and loved within the marriage.


That is what Marriage Builders looks to offer you. A way to this solution, to this condition within your marriage.

The problem you have right now is that

you want this "right now".

You are impatient. You are foolish to believe it can happen overnight.

You dropped a nuclear bomb on your marriage, and you believe that you can do the radioactive cleanup in just a few months.

You can't.

There are YEARS of work ahead of you. Pace yourself, and UNDERSTAND that your job will be a very long term, uphill battle.


And that YOU must carry HER - and sacrifice FOR HER.


It is not the time for you to be the taker, NG.

Your job right now is to be the giver, to learn, to observe what she needs and to listen to her. You must work at this.

And you must change. Change takes time - and you will learn this, not overnight, but over many months of hard work.

She is doing what she can to recover, and you have a tough job. Focus every day on the work you must do to fix your sex addiction, and to meet her needs. You must have patience.

Learn it. Quick.

SB

Thank you SB. I will.

I have given full control over to my W and I have been open with her, I have placed safeguards on everything. How else do I ease her mind. I am not complaining here I am just asking because I want to help her as much as I can. How else do I ease her mind? I have read tst EP's and implimented the vast majority of them already. Is there anything else I can do to help her mind stop from racing so much?

She has filled out the EN's questionaire and I am doing the top 5 on there, I am just so worried about her. I know I causeed this and I should have thought of this before, but it's done and I can't go back, so now I have to help her the best I can. We have started praying together before we go to bed and in the morning before we start the day, I am going back to SA meetings tonight and I want us to go to a bible study group on occasion to help us spiritually through this.

Again thank you all for your great advice and support for her that you have shown her, she is very greatful as am I.

Time...you can't expect her to trust you and everything to be OK the instant you have become trustworthy...give her time...and give her consistent truth. She will begin to trust you again, or she won't. But do not expect things to get better in just a matter of weeks. This situation did not arise from just a few weeks of lying. And it won't be resolved with just a few weeks of honesty.

Pace yourself, be consistent and honest and direct. Know that her mistrust is earned, and you have to earn her trust back...

Yes I understand that and I do not expect her to be ok in just a few weeks, I am just asking if there is anything else I can do to help besides what I have done. I know it is going to take time, and expect nothing less.

Thanks again though

You say that you've read the EP thread by TST. How about writing YOUR list that pertains directly to you and give it to her. Your list may be the same exact one or it may be slightly different based on your issues. Once you give it to her it is YOUR job to uphold. That list is your way of protecting your BW.

Be consistent. No backtracking. No excuses. And as TST has said, there is no renegotiating this list.

Once she sees that you are following through with your EPs over the next months, years(and it may take that long) she will slowly begin to trust that you will do as you say.

BE PATIENT. It's a marathon, not a sprint. So get going.

NG,


Each time you give to her

you are making gains.


Each time you wonder, "How long will this take?"
You are backing up.

When that question comes into your mind, instead of asking, "how long will this take?", go to your wife and caress her cheek, or hold her hand, or just hug her. Take care of the kids for 30 minutes by taking them for a nice little walk - giving her a moment's break and some SILENCE to herself. Clean the toilet instead of worrying about what might be going on in her head. Sweep the floor without being begged by her for some simple HELP to clean up. Get off the couch and tell her that you have decided to do a load of laundry, and does she think that she wants the whites done, or a load of jeans or towels instead? Put some lotion on her feet - and don't expect sex in return. Give the kids a bath and put them to bed in clean pajamas after you read them a book - and don't expect your wife to give you sex just because you helped take care of your own children.

Don't ask what you need to do "for" her - you should understand that this is YOUR HOUSE, YOUR FAMILY, and YOUR KIDS, and that the things that I mention are equally your work as they are hers. Take care of things like she would,

and by the way

thank her for doing your laundry when she does it
and for bathing those kids
and getting the groceries

and those other things you never think about.....but that she does

and you have overlooked because you consider them

"her job".

Because these things really belong to both of you.

Those are some of the things you can do - and can make a huge difference in the way she sees you in everyday life.

And by the way....if you do this every day....will make a huge difference in how you view her

and yourself

because YOU will become INVESTED

in your own life and your own family.

Somewhere, as you go along doing things for your family

giving of yourself to them

you will find yourself becoming less of a taker, more fulfilled, and more of a MAN. You will find your self-worth

and lose

that person you hate inside yourself.


That, sir, is a promise.

SB

SB,
I have been doing all of that with out question of what to do or how to do it. I help with the kids, do the laundry, dishes, cook dinner and clean up around the house. I do all of that and truely don't expect anything in return. Although I use to not do any of that or when I would I wanted something in return, but now I do it on my own and I enjoy it. I know this is all going to take time I am not trying to speed anything up here, I am just trying to help her mind stop racing and driving herself crazy. She tells me that she appreciates everything I have been doing but then it pisses her off because I am doing this because of what happened. So then I feel like what am I supossed to do if everything I am doing is the right thing but in return it just upsets her more. I just want to ease her mind through all of this not make it go away or be over quickly.

Naveguy, Just keep doing what you are doing, she is just trying to process all the info, the before, during and after.......let her do that, she will come to the conclusion eventually that you are changing because you want to and that you were wrong before....tell her that......keep telling her that.......my mind races a lot too.....my husband just quietly hugs and reassures me........times now are fewer and fewer but still there with the triggers......it just takes time.......I just hope you and my husband won't give up in the mean time........we need to know that.......

Keep doing these things consistently. The more you can do to lighten her load the more time she has to concentrate on healing herself.