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Hello,
I was reading an article about LBS, that talked about spouses who were left behind.
I thought these stages were very close to the steps that I went through as a BS:
Denial / Shattering
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Resentment
Acceptance
Self Growth
Forgiveness
Renewal
Living Again.
Any to add?
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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How exactly did they define a "left-behind spouse?"
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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I am not liking the living again coming AFTER the forgivness...if that is the case, I guess I am never getting to the living again part. 
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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Mulan:
Their term. I imagine the spouse that still wants the union, after the other checks out. But I could be wrong.
I also have issues with anger and resentment being apart. To me they are one in the same.
sh8:
Sure you will.
They also said that people don't streamline down the list. Many bounce from one to other, and many "cycle around" when a trigger happens.
.....Now I can't find the darn link.
I hope to have this thread focus as a positive link for BS feelings.
Last edited by barbiecat; 05/17/10 01:05 PM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Mulan:
I also have issues with anger and resentment being apart. To me they are one in the same. This is really interesting. Question: Is anger the foundation for resentment or vice versa? I definitely bounce around between various stages. It almost seems like once you hang your hat on acceptance and self-growth for awhile, you can start to turn that corner. I guess I'm not there yet...... TB
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I would like to read the whole article if you can find it.
Definitely agree about bouncing around the list. I'm stuck bouncing between resentment and acceptance like a pinball, which leaves little energy for self-growth.
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Yes, it is very similar to the grieving stages...and you can bounce back and forth on those, but I think you have to go through them all eventually. http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Denial / Shattering
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Resentment
Acceptance
Self Growth
Forgiveness
Renewal
Living Again. Well, I've got the shattering, bargaining, depression stages down. Maybe a LITTLE of self growth. Bouncing between acceptance, anger, and resentment currently. I have so far to go..... :P
Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10
Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10
Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012
Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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Denial / Shattering
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Resentment
Acceptance
Self Growth
Forgiveness
Renewal
Living Again. Well, I've got the shattering, bargaining, depression stages down. Maybe a LITTLE of self growth. Bouncing between acceptance, anger, and resentment currently. I have so far to go..... :P I am bouncing and very stuck between resentment/acceptance and self growth. This for me has been the killer. I want to go to self growth- but I deep getting pulled back. I believe only way to really "finish" is to move ahead. (how?)
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
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I would like to read the whole article if you can find it.
Definitely agree about bouncing around the list. I'm stuck bouncing between resentment and acceptance like a pinball, which leaves little energy for self-growth. and when you realize that, you are moving ahead. That is what I am trying to do with this. Feel the emotion, try to label it for what it really is, appreciate and validate it and MOVE on. Can anyone add a stage?
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
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yes, I think you have to at least hit a stage before you move on to the next on....Sometimes you get stuck and sometimes you quickly move through a stage. Maybe you are stuck because you are supposed to be, ya know? IDK, I am stuck on the anger and depression but I have touched on the acceptance...so I gotta move to the resentment from the anger I guess...somehow.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Maybe after acceptence comes Hope...like in the grief thingie....I think the Hope is very important...Hope for a happy future without spouse, I guess.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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where would you locate hope?
Oh, Wait! I see now:
Denial / Shattering
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Resentment
Acceptance
HOPE
Self Growth
Forgiveness
Renewal
Living Again.
Last edited by barbiecat; 05/18/10 08:22 AM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
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Posts: 2,617 |
Maybe after acceptance....JMHO, you dont need to do it or anything...
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Joined: Nov 2008
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where would you locate hope?
Oh, Wait! I see now:
Denial / Shattering
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Resentment
Acceptance
HOPE
Self Growth
Forgiveness
Renewal
Living Again. Yeah, what do you think, no? I just know I have touched upon acceptance (like yeah, hes gone, this is my life now), but I dont know about the hope thingie yet. I think the hope is like, I can be HAPPY without WH, Idk...
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Well, the part I desperately look for is renewal. It was described as a new "enthusiasm" for life. Like a ton of bricks has been lifted from your soul.
With or without your spouse, apparently in a healthy recovery it will come. I have had both recovered/divorced friends talk about this phenomina>sp?/realization. I guess it is when you realize that you are really, really going to be "OK".
Oh, Lord, may it come soon...
Last edited by barbiecat; 05/18/10 08:32 AM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
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Yeah, that sounds good to me too, barbiecat....I just dont see it for me. I hope your friends are right....
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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I've bounced around in this pool of emotions for a long time. Does jealousy fit in there anywhere?
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Ohhhhhh, jealousy, good one.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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I have jealousy for OW, who has the man I love....and jealousy for WH for having someone to love and that loves him(even though he acted like the scum of the earth)for who he is, while I am still alone.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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