He lied to you about going up north.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

Not your plan (excellent), not your chances of R (still good), not his nature (lying cheating alien). You may get confirmation and you may not, but it doesn't make the least little bit of difference, so don't waste any more energy trying to prove it. DEFINITELY don't let this one event change your plan one way or the other. All waywards lie - if their lips are moving they're lying.

Big hugs on the packing thing. Even though it's hard, you are absolutely doing the right thing.

I know you said he's gone for about a week, but when exactly is he supposed to get back? I'll do my best to check in a little more that day if I can.

Carry on, soldier. This isn't hopeless. The loss of one battle can't predict the ultimate outcome of the war. You can do this.

Not exactly sure when he'll be back. He mentioned Wednesday but we'll see what actually ends up happening. I want to ask for receipts to prove his return trip too - but is it worth it? OW's kids are at their dad's this week so he could stop by there for an hour or two and excuse it in a billion different ways - rest stops, dinner stops, whatever.

I have one big suitcase of his clothes packed. It's enough to last him a couple weeks and I figure he can come back while I'm out at work during the day and get the rest of his things together. Is this the right attitude to take? Or should I pack up more stuff?

Sent him an email this morning saying I wasn't sure if him just saying he would end it was enough at this point, and we had lots to talk about when he got back. He didn't respond. And he's been ignoring my calls all day. Didn't tell him I had packed his stuff up.

I honestly feel like yes, if his lips are moving, he's lying to me.

Just to complicate my night further, his mom is coming into to town tonight to spend the night, since she's buying a house just south of the city and doesn't want to make the long drive home. She's been pretty supportive but I feel like I need to be careful what I say to her right now....

Definitely be careful of what you say to her. Better safe than sorry!

NP,

When you sent him an email about the relationship, asking about receipts. This is not Plan A or Plan B. Not sure what plan you are in, but it isn't MB.

This is why I was concerned about you not being able to go to plan B.

I don't mean to be harsh here but look at the facts. Your WH is out of work, but yet you have a cleaning person? I assume your WH is not watching your daughter while you work, otherwise he couldn't take off for a week. Your 8 months pregnant and he takes off for a week, for what? You are the one holding everything together, as best you can, and are PREGNANT!

Yes, all WH's are selfish, but this takes a special kind of person to do this. This isn't a person who is part of your family, he is outside it, by his choice. And you allow him to treat you this way. Please, several of us have begged you, think of yourself and the little ones. This isn't a good example for your DD. You have to be the adult here.

Stop asking him when/if he is leaving, you make the choice of the day and stick too it. Go away with your DD, don't answer your mobile, turn it off.

Either you stand up now, or you keep up with the begging, the R talk, the drama, the constantly being upset. You are making the bad choices for yourself now, you can't blame your WH for that.

Please think of yourself and the little ones. Praying for you.

ba

Here's another thing you might want to consider:

Chances are that the OW might show up at the hospital, wanting to see your baby through the nursery window. If you have a picture of her, maybe you could give it to the nurses and explain that you do NOT want them to allow this woman to see your baby, even if she is with your WH.

If you don't have a picture of her, you could print up some index cards to give your family and visitors and let the nurses know to only show the baby to people who have one of the cards.

I wouldn't bother talking about anything with him. I'd just set his bags out on the porch, tell him that he has to leave right now, and hand him the Plan B letter. Have someone there with you...preferably your brother.

NO do not ask him for receipts. You know he's lying, so there's no point.

If you're in PB, you don't want him back in the house for anything. Pack as much of his stuff as you can, and do the rest as soon after as possible. One of your relatives can supervise him picking it up on the front porch.

Once he leaves, he doesn't come back in. Period. When the alien is gone and your DH is coming back, then you can think about it.

Very good idea about the OW picture to L&D staff.

Beginagain said exactly what I have been thinking. I'm sure it is hard to read but please read it a few times. You keep allowing yourself to be sucked into the drama by continuing to question your WH. You know he is lying and gaslighting you. For the safety and health of both you and lil bean you need to stop engaging in the drama. Set your date for Plan B and follow through with it.

You can do this NP....

Even if you don't know what day he is coming back, set the Plan B date for today-for instance. After today he cannot come back into your house, ya know? You don't need to know the exact day he's coming back.

I still don't think he's special. He was already a mush-minded alien when NP got pregnant, so this whole pregnancy has been viewed through wayward goggles. Nothing, not even a lil bean, will snap even an average WS out of their fog, till the A has fully or nearly run its course.

Other than that, I agree with every word.

NP, I think Margie has a really good idea. Just in case he comes home sooner than you expect, I think you should have all his worldly possessions piled by the front door with the PBL lying on top.

Yes you'll have to look at it for a few days, but he also won't be able to catch you off guard any hour of the day or night.

I meant by not being employed and contributing monetarily and not contributing by helping with the household and child care. This may be pre-WH behavior though, it could be the way he is having nothing to do with the A. On top of that, being the one employed and pregnant, addind to NP's burden with the A and leaving, not trying to assist her, I do think this is outside the norm. Again, it may have nothing to do with the A.

I think you said your family had issues with him, correct? Perhaps you could revisit this and see within yourself what ever points they were making, is it something valid or spiteful? Perhaps they were thinking of you. Anyway, food for thought as everything can't or shouldn't be just labeled wayward fog if it is pre-existing.

I didn't mean in any way to be hurtful, just helpful. We can all probably see a little of ourselves in your sitch and trying to have you avoid any pain that can be avoided. And to bolster your self confidence.

You are an amazing person NP. You are a good parent, good provider, and are a caring, giving person.

I hope only the best comes to you, health, happiness, and a loving family, whatever that comes to mean.

ba

((NP))

Just want to chime in that you're doing great NP. Just hang in there. I also agree with Margie's idea. I forget, are you planning on changing the locks? Perhaps you should get that done today. When he gets home don't even open the door, though it would be nice if you were gone. When he calls, don't answer. If he gets angry/ violent, call the police.

You can do this NP, you really can. Stay strong. Do you have an IM?

I see what you mean, Be. And whether it's pre-A entitlement or during-A, it's gotta go before he's ready to R.

Wow, thanks for all the responses, everyone!

BA - actually when WH lost his job, we stopped using the cleaning lady and have been trying to keep up with the housework ourselves. And he's actually up north right now for work (I know he's definitely up there NOW, the timing of WHEN he was actually driving up there instead of being in Calgary was what I think he lied about). The childcare is part time so WH has time to do a little contract work (only usually he ends up wasting this time, or using it to see OW, which pi$$es me right off).

And thanks for being harsh. It made think a LOT and I think I needed that jolt of reality.

Anyway, yes, I am tired of his attitude toward this marriage and our children. He talks pretty big about wanting to be around for this baby, but his actions show differently. He's never asked about it, come to ONE appointment with me (and not because he wasn't able to, becuase he didn't want to), and is totally uninvolved with the entire pregnancy.

I woke up this morning feeling a lot better. Had a mostly sleepless night but by the time the morning came, I had a whole new outlook on the situation. I am looking forward to being in Plan B now. I am tired of having to constantly question his behaviour and actions.

Sounds like you are turning a corner NP. Judging WH on actions instead of words is exactly what you NEED to be doing. As I've stated before, I despise any man that would abandon his wife during preganancy even more then your typical wayturd.

When does Plan B start? Make sure you have everything arranged so that you can go dark as dark can be. Once there, you will be able to take a breather and focus on you and lil bean for the next month until delivery as it should be.

I plan to start it on Friday. I could do it sooner but (maybe this is being vindictive) OW gets her kids back on Friday and I want him to be as screwed as possible for a place to go. And I need time to have him sign a separation agreement for paying bills, etc, so he doesn't just go away and then stop covering the mortgage and childcare expenses, etc. Wouldn't put it past him.

For months he's been saying, "I just want to get away from you." Well.....here is his chance to see what it's like after he's "gotten away" from his wife and children.

Whether he signs an agreement or not, he's still responsible for supporting his REAL family financially.

Rather than risk him putting a monkey wrench in your PB plans by bickering over details of a separation agreement, you might consider taking a short-term risk and filing for an emergency hearing only if he stops paying. If you're the main breadwinner you can worry about that less, anyway. Either way, I think you should proceed as already planned.

I also don't think your plan should be dependent on OW's kids. Whether he has to leave Wed or Fri, either way real life will crash in soon enough.

He's out of the house right now. You DO NOT want to let him back in.

I think the idea was for him to have to go to OW and deal with her (more than likely) bratty kids.

Yes, change the locks ASAP...and Plan B will be a godsend for you right now, youll see. You need some peace right now.