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today it is 5/17.
my husband and I just got back from sanibel becuz the ow was going crazey trying to get dave to meet her in miami.
About 2 weeks ago I gave my statement to both sides of this investigation they seemed to like it I gave them my calenders the emails I talked for atleast 4 hours.
nothing has happened tho.
david is not talking to her but the work emails keep coming he sends them on to me. she has been asking for converence calls and to come to his office I guess she has things to say that can't be put in the emails.
d did not go on the waterway trip becuz she was there, insted he stayed home with me. I think he is trying but he won't say he did it.
we are reading a conversation book and of course we read the affair book and her needs and the love busters. and I found another therapist we are going to. I don't know what else to do.
he hasn't come back and said he did have an affair but he has drasticly changed his life by not traveling any more and if he does I go.
what else can I do?
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he hasn't come back and said he did have an affair but he has drasticly changed his life by not traveling any more and if he does I go. What do you mean by he hasn't come back? Did he move out? He admitted to the affair? Did he give you details?
W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
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no,no he didn't move out, he just won't admit to having the affair, no he gives me no details of it.
he just wants to move on it has been 8 months since I found out about this affair. the book says I have to wait till he tells me and gets rid of her for atleast 3 months to get over the depression.
how much longer can i wait? he has changed his whole out look on things he says he is sorry but not about an affair he isn't traveling without me, he shows me every email from her, he comes home early and stays home alot.
she was trying to get together with him last week and we took off and went to sanibel and had a great time.
BUT SHE IS STILL WORKING WITH HIM AND WHAT MORE CAN I DO.
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BUT SHE IS STILL WORKING WITH HIM AND WHAT MORE CAN I DO. PLAN B. That is what you should be doing. As long as he continues to communicate with his lover and work at the same place, this is hopeless. The next step should be complete and total separation, which is what we call Plan B. Is the OW married? If so, are you telling her H all the details? Here is an article about Plan B: here Has the affair been exposed to everyone? Your children, parents, close family and friends? Everyone should know about his affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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no,no he didn't move out, he just won't admit to having the affair, no he gives me no details of it. stupidroach, HE GAVE YOU HERPES! HE FLUNKED A POLYGRAPH! YOU FOUND HIM KISSING A CO-WORKER! HE STAYED WITH SOMEONE IN A HOTEL ROOM AND LIED ABOUT IT! What more do you need??? 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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SO I guess what he has done is not enough! I love him,he has changed I have exposed him to his his whole board of commisioners there are 2 investigations going on hopefully to fire her or transfere her because she won't go!!!! he tried to get her transfered and it wouldn't work.
so when can we start to rebuild our marriage?
he HAS to say I had an affair? obviously I already know and with whom, you know?
we are doing our workbooks his needs her needs, love busters. we are working on our comunication.
and yall think I shouldn't be? can you explain to me why so I can explain it to him? please?
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SO I guess what he has done is not enough! I love him,he has changed I have exposed him to his his whole board of commisioners there are 2 investigations going on hopefully to fire her or transfere her because she won't go!!!! he tried to get her transfered and it wouldn't work.
so when can we start to rebuild our marriage?
he HAS to say I had an affair? obviously I already know and with whom, you know?
we are doing our workbooks his needs her needs, love busters. we are working on our comunication.
and yall think I shouldn't be? can you explain to me why so I can explain it to him? please? Do you not believe that you are worth having a marriage that is built on honesty? Or will you settle for a marriage built on "I'll tell you only what makes me comfortable." You cannot rebuild a marriage with a man when it is built on selfish, self-serving notions of deceit, betrayal, hiding actions, hiding truth, hiding nasty deeds that might not be too impressive when scrutinized. I am very surprised that you are posting here two months later, saying nothing has come from the employer's investigation and you've basically done nothing but read some books. He cannot work with her, sunshine! We've told you that. If your WH is committed to your M he'll do more than read a book. He'll leave that job. Until that is accomplished the A will not be over and you will not begin to recover.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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he HAS to say I had an affair? obviously I already know and with whom, you know?
we are doing our workbooks his needs her needs, love busters. we are working on our comunication. Have you done the workbook chapter on honesty and openess? If he did not admit the affair in that chapter, what makes you think you can even begin to trust him to fulfill your other needs in the long haul? Honesty and openess is a deal-breaker.
Last edited by goldenyears; 05/19/10 11:30 AM.
D-Day EA 11/29/08
D-Day PA 12/12/08
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He needs to give you whatever you need so that you feel completely safe with him. He needs to be totally open and honest with you and answer all your questions. Quite frankly, I would be very leery of a man who gave me herpes, lied about affairs on a polygraph, and wanted to sweep it all under the rug.
My question for you is why you AREN'T leery of him, and why you AREN'T demanding complete openness & honesty from him??
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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SO I guess what he has done is not enough! I love him,he has changed I have exposed him to his his whole board of commisioners there are 2 investigations going on hopefully to fire her or transfere her because she won't go!!!! he tried to get her transfered and it wouldn't work.
so when can we start to rebuild our marriage?
he HAS to say I had an affair? obviously I already know and with whom, you know?
we are doing our workbooks his needs her needs, love busters. we are working on our comunication.
and yall think I shouldn't be? can you explain to me why so I can explain it to him? please? Well, its just like an alcholic who goes to the bar and drinks every day. He changes the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and reads his Alcoholic Anonymous BIG BOOK while sipping drinks in the bar, all the while DENYING he is an alcoholic. Do you think that man will recover?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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and yall think I shouldn't be? can you explain to me why so I can explain it to him? please? Tell him like this: here is the deal. Our marriage cannot recover until you a) end all contact with your adultery partner and b) come clean about your affair. I am only willing to stay in this marriage if you do what it takes to recover our marriage. That means end all contact with your OW [even if it means leaving that job], get honest about the affair and commmit to a program of recovery. Tell him, THAT is what it will take to keep me interested in staying with you. Otherwise, we need to make plans to get divorced. If you can't do those things, then I would ask that you to move out. See, if he doesn't do those things, your marriage is hopeless and you have nothing to lose anyway, EXCEPT YOUR SANITY. His continued contact and complete lack of honesty prevents recovery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bcas your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am hoping with learning to communicate I can end all my lov3e busting and make him feel comfortable enough to have the courage to tell me the story.
I am leery of him, I don't trust him at work. he just sent me another email from her. I HATE THIS FEELING!!!!
but when he is home everything is wonderful and I don't worry.
AND tomorrow is his board meeting, well the social before the board meeting and of course she will be there I want to pull her ears off!
I have gone to a psycic and witch she has given me honesty candles and a powder to throw on her to make her go away!!!
I have resorted to stuff I never would of before!
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I am hoping with learning to communicate I can end all my lov3e busting and make him feel comfortable enough to have the courage to tell me the story. He will never feel "comfortable."  Who cares about his "comfort??" This is not a negotiable issue, SR. The goal is not to make your H "feel comfortable" about being bad, but to RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE. Do you want to recover your marriage? Madam, do you have any boundaries whatsoever? Because if you don't raise the bar here and start giving him your EXPECTATIONS you are not going to make it. You have lowered the bar so low that he is only living down to your expectations. Recovery is not going to magically happen all on its own. You have to work hard to implement these elements. Sitting aruond waiting for a fogged out wayward to lead you out of this marital nightmare is a BAD STRATEGY. Do you really even WANT to recover your marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am hoping with learning to communicate I can end all my lov3e busting and make him feel comfortable enough to have the courage to tell me the story.
That's all well and good and will make you a pleasant person to be around, but it won't stop him from being an adulterous husband, because he has no boundaries and has NO reason to stay faithful to you.
I am leery of him, I don't trust him at work. he just sent me another email from her. I HATE THIS FEELING!!!!
You have signed up for this. Get comfortable with it.
but when he is home everything is wonderful and I don't worry.
Because he is within eyesight of you. It's when he's out of your sight that you have to worry. And with good reason. Again, you've agreed to this by giving him NO reason to be faithful to you.
AND tomorrow is his board meeting, well the social before the board meeting and of course she will be there I want to pull her ears off!
That'll get you nothing but an earless affair partner for your unfaithful husband.
I have gone to a psycic and witch she has given me honesty candles and a powder to throw on her to make her go away!!!
How'd that work for ya?
I have resorted to stuff I never would of before!
You'll be lucky to not end up in the looney bin as long as he works with her.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I have gone to a psycic and witch she has given me honesty candles and a powder to throw on her to make her go away!!!
I have resorted to stuff I never would of before! But actually done little which will make a real difference. You are shirking your duties in the marriage at this moment. You are wanting the Company, Spirits, everyone ELSE to protect your marriage.
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I have gone to a psycic and witch she has given me honesty candles and a powder to throw on her to make her go away!!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I just got my phone call from him, he says he is trying to get her gone and she is just stupid!
He is 3 years away from retirement, he says wait for these investigations to do their job and she will be gone.
Its been 8 months I don't know what else to do.
getting ready for this investigation I got out the cd that has his recovered files on I found pictures of her from jr. high to college to her tits before and after her breast job. I gave those to the investigators.
would you send those to her husband? I have not contacted him since Nov. becuz he told me his wife was faithful I thought it was a lost cause.
would you go up to her at the social tomorrow and tell her to get out of his life?
HELP!
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would you send those to her husband? I have not contacted him since Nov. becuz he told me his wife was faithful I thought it was a lost cause. SEND HIM ALL OF THE EVIDENCE NOW. Call him and let him know you are sending it and tell him everything you know. And whatever you do, don't tell your H.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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SO YOU GUYS SAY KEEP SCREAMING AT HIM? I feel that is only going to make recovery impossible and me miserable and start hating him.
I am afraid that if I leave or file for divorce he'll let it happen...
I am so weak, I guess. we have been married for soooo long I don't want to lose him.
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