Boy, you can really see him for who he is....you're right about on controlling myself. I realize that. I'm trying to focus on God right now and the "plan". I want my children to know that I can be strong in the face of this great pain. I think they are beginning to see that.

Each day gets a little easier. There are setbacks, but the less I see or hear from his, the better. I'm still praying for God to lead me through the plan and to stay on track.

I can't tell you how much everyone has meant to me here on this site. I'm so glad for all the help and support that I have found here. I hope that one day I can give back and be an encouragement for others. I truly believe that God has used this site in order to make me move outside the box. I'm glad I stayed on track.

Yes, I'd say you are doing incredibly well, h_e, and your WH's actions (reactions??) just confirm how well you are doing all that much more. He is finally beginning to see that h_e is not the doormat he figured she was but, instead, a much stronger, more powerful, take-charge kinda gal and "that" actually scares him.

Kudo's to you, hon, you really are amazing.

You're ALREADY giving back just by being here as you are right now, h_e; just from reading your posts (and the replies) someone "out there" is surely being helped THROUGH YOU just by reading this very thread. If you re-read some of the past posts here, you will even SEE that some have actually said words about how much YOU encourage/inspire them.

This one from Scotland always pops out at me; Ahhh, how right Scotland is!

You, h-e, are an inspiration to others in a way that you may never even know.

Keep up the good work.

(((HUGS)))

Had a slight crying session after lunch today...my dad was playing a song about Lazurus. They said Jesus was 4 days late, but he was really right on time. I sometimes believed that it was too late for a healing, restoration, recovery of marriage or just myself, but it's not on my timetable. I do believe that God will be right on time.

You know my husband and I waited till we were married to be intimate...we believed that God would honor that in our marriage....here I am 20 years later....and he takes away everything pure from what God considers a holy union. I guess no marriage is immune. Are there men out there that don't cheat? It seems there is a lot of this going on. Maybe one day I will look back on this and see God at work, but for now my head is still in a fog.

This is something I was thinking about myself yesterday! I look around at my neighbours and there are so many marriages that are happy and lasting - my next door neighbours have got to have been married for at least 45 years!

Yet - I was talking to OW H about it and he said in his group of 7 closest friends, all their marriages failed. No marriage IS immune to cheating, unless both partners have strong boundaries.

WH always talked about how important God was to him. He said there were four aspects to a spouse - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. He used to say I had all of those things and that's why he loved me. NOW, he says OW has everything and I'm missing the emotional part, and that's why everything is so much better with her. WH thinks she is spiritual but she's not. WH has barely come to church with me in months, and when he has, he sits there looking pained and leaves for half the service to go to the "bathroom".

Anyway, sorry for the t/j. Just wanted to point out how fast and how completely WS's can change.

Sorry you are suffering Hope..I believe that God has his own time also and we will look back on this someday and see it...in the meantime I know firsthand how difficult it is to see that at times. All I can offer right now is prayers, hugs and shared feelings of what you are going thru...You are not alone.

Well, I just woke up from a long nap....naps are important for me on the weekends. My parents will be here for awhile; it's been such a relief for me. I'm able to get lots of work done, but when I hit a low, they come on in and help me out. School is getting better for me and I'm able to focus more....I'm actually looking forward to this week.

My husband never called back my children last night like he said that he would...knew that was coming.

Thanks for the hugs!

Hope,

OW has told him she is spiritual. He believed what she told him.

Her living the life of an OW, and having the affair with your husband, lying about her affair, lying to him and to her co-workers

is proof of her lack of spirituality.


The issue is not the OW, however, and never was.

In your processing the affair, and the mindset of your WH, an important part of this is to really understand that the OW has little to do with it.

I know this is a difficult concept, but it is true. Any woman could have fulfilled this role - it is not this particular woman that filled the fantasy. This OW is not special. She is not unique. She is not his soulmate, his perfect mate, his fantasy-come-true.

What she is: the person who was there at the time that his willingness to betray his innermost values was at its peak. She was just "there", and she also was willing to betray her own values, and willing to participate in his betrayal as well.

Nothing more. Nothing special.

Two people who chose to follow what they "wanted" to do, instead of what they knew was right. They chose to betray other people in favor of fulfilling a base desire.

It could have been any other woman. Do not confuse this event with anything more than what it was.

Ultimately, your WH will realize what this was, and the true sacrifice he made for a desire of the flesh, a temporary impulse to find out what it might be like with someone else, a moment's weakness and fantasy about life as a single man.

This may very well cost him everything he knew as family, as love, as "real". At some point he will fully feel the pain - inside of himself - for what he did as a self-indulgent "I want what I want when I want it" moment.

But it wasn't, and isn't, about the OW. It is 100% about your WH. It was, and is, about selfishness, ego, and betrayal of one's own innermost morals.

He has completely fallen. The issue before him now is whether or not he will figure this out before YOU walk away as a stronger woman, and you have completely lost your love and respect for him.

Plan A works to let him know you still love him and will work to get him back to the marriage. It works to give him the picture of what you can be, as the best choice for him, as the spouse for him, as the marriage being the best choice, as the safe place to be, as the right and true choice for his future. It works to bring him home and emphasizes that the marriage can be saved.

Plan B works to protect what love you have left for him, but it also helps you to protect yourself from his wayward behavior, talk, and drama. It helps you to rebuild yourself, and to prepare yourself for whatever outcome might lie before you - whether he returns to the marriage, or not. Either way, Plan B will help you gain YOURSELF again.

Keep working your plan. It is okay to cry. It is NORMAL.

Just remember, the OW is not your problem. She actually has her own problems.............many problems, and you can smile about that, because she is NOT something you have to deal with.

SB

I wondered about this schoolbus as I tend to focus on her. I've been over to her house several times thinking I might find him there....but i probably need to stop since I'm heading into plan B.

I'm still in love with him, so it's hard to imagine life without him. I just can't get pass the fact that there is so much history between us....doesn't that bother him? He's barely seen his own children for over a month now...doesn't that bother him?

There is really no one my husband is accountable to...he has no family to speak of and his siblings are scattered and they don't speak to each other. His sister, he one whose husband died, will support him completely. I did tell her, but she will not interfere at all. I will tell his stepdad soon. I want him to know about Michael's choices....also, one day he will see him and I want his stepdad to know the truth as to why I am not there.

hope....I am so sorry for what you are going through now. Some WHs wake up and see the fantasy they were hoping for for what it is...a farse; some never do and they continue on a path of destructtion.

You can only control YOU...and pray that your H wakes up. I love the book "Power of a Praying Wife" and recommend it often. You might look into it and see if it would help you focus your prayers.

(((hugs)))

I'll check that book out...is it by Stormie something or other...I may have read one of her books before.

I can' help it but I find it hard to believe that he is going to be driving 2 hours each way to go to school....if he sees her address as the only place to send his bills then I would think that it's his only place to live.

I wish I could stop thinking about where he is...why do I continue to do this. My 7 year old son keeps telling all of us that "daddy doesn't love us anymore"....it's heartbreaking.

What about the credit card he is using to "survive" it's in both our names. How will this be looked at in the divorce? Should I have my name removed from that card?

Yes, you should!

It's a new day and I hope that I will be able to keep my head up. My dad took my oldest on a trip to Houston for some deliveries...I hope this will be good for him.

Just a few more weeks and school will be out....15 more instructional days...I can't wait.

Ok, the lawyer is going to have subpoena served today at her school.....tell me again why I'm doing this? My lawyer said it's pretty snarky. I worry about retaliation or her trying to sue me over facebook. Has anyone here ever gone this far? Everyone has a point of no return....this may be his if not already there. I'm scared.

So she gets to suffer the consequences of her bad decisions. You do not shield anyone.

Hang in there Hope, I have read so much on here in the last week or so and these people really do know there stuff. You have gotten some great advise. I know it is hard to be going down this path, but you are not alone. We are all praying for you and I think without making this move you would have been stuck in a very unhealthy marriage for many many years, now at least you have a chance to make things better. It may get worse, but eventually it will get better, one way or another.

Funny you should ask this, it was something I was going to suggest when I first read your post about your WH changing his address but, by the time I finished reading the thread, I guess it completely escaped my mind and I forgot to say anything.

Yes, I am with KR on this one...I would definitely remove my name from that card (and/or any others that may be of importance) and I'd do so just as quickly as I could. I don't know how "all" credit cards work so I can only go based on my assumptions but, as far as I am aware, if both names are on a card that means that both names on that specific card are responsible for it. My concern is that if your WH decides to rack the card up with some wild spending spree and then doesn't have the funds to make payments on it (or simply doesn't care to pay what he owes), well, then I'd worry that the credit card company might come after YOU for those payments. On the otherhand, though, I'm not exactly sure how this would work (your removing your name) in regard to any charges that you were put on the card BEFORE you and your WH went your separate ways. However, I can't imagine this would create any problems since you are not removing your name to avoid any previous charges, you would be removing your name to avoid any future ones (the ones that would have NOTHING to do with you yourself, personally). Actually, in a situation like this, you may want to find out FOR SURE with the credit card company itself. Yes, you would like to have your name removed from the card but, no, you are not doing this to avoid any charges that may rightfully (and legally) be YOURS from beforehand). Agh, I hope you can understand what I'm saying, I seem to be very "muddle-mouthed" today...sorry!

Anyway, I would guess the best thing for you to do is to call the credit card company(ies) up directly yourself and see what they say. Explain your situation (you don't need to give them EVERY detail) and then get them to advise you as to the best way to go about protecting yourself (ie: your credit) from any future charges,etc.

Good!!!

Because you are brave, strong, intelligent (etc) and you know it's the right thing to do.

Snarky-malarky; the more the OW "feels" it...the better!

Don't forget, hon, your lawyer is just your lawyer, he is not someone who gives two hoots about saving your marriage.

Sue you for what, exactly? Telling the truth? Hah, good luck suing over that one!

Of course you're scared, hope, most people are scared of the unknown. Sit back, relax and let "nature" take it's course; you've done NOTHING wrong and you have nothing to be afraid of. If someone (your WH or the OW) gets royally p*ssed off at you for this...whipdee-doo, let them, they'll get over it in time.

HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGE HUGS TO YOU, HON!!!

Ok, it feels weird to me because it's not me at all. My credit is crap anyway.....he has used about $600 of the $1200 credit line. This has been an asleep card fro early in our marriage. I guess he needed it to live on.

How did you set up the credit card? Is it a joint account, or are you just an authorized user? If it's joint, that means the account is in both of your names. Both of you will have to agree to close it and contact the credit card issuer to do so.

If you are an authorized user on the account, that means your H is responsible for the card; you're just 'allowed' to use it. Call the card issuer and tell them you no longer want to be authorized to use the account. (Your H may have already done that.)

Hope, you did the right thing. There is nothing "snarky" about calling a mistress into court to answer for her actions. What is "snarky" is crawling into bed with a married man and wrecking his marriage. There is nothing to sue you over on the facebook exposure. The truth is a defense for slander and libel.

You have a better chance of saving your marriage the more conflict you cause in the affair. The more conflict caused, the better the chance of the affair being killed. The faster the affair is killed, the greater your chance of recovering your marriage.

Since the OW claims she is innocent, she can explain why your H has been staying at her house. And she can turn over cell phone records and emails to PROVE her innocence.

You are doing an awesome job in standing up for your marriage!