I'm trying to stay focused today, but it's not easy. I'm wondering if i will ever be happy again? I'm trying to show my children how god will see us through, but sometimes I feel like a horrible person for exposing everything. I guess I'm torn between my love for him and the "tough love " I'm practicing.

I know it's hard for you to see right now but if you were not doing ANYTHING except being a doormat, you would feel equally as bad, maybe worse.

At least now you are following the advice of many of us here who have been where you are and are either in recovered marriages or recoverING marriages.

Are you officially in Plan B? If you aren't you might TM your H back and say somethign like "No honey, this is NOT what I want...I do not want a D; I want to fix our M so that we can be in love again and our children can have an intact family."

{{{H_E}}}
Stay strong, stick to your plan, it will help bring "some" sanity to your life. Remain strong for your kids.

Right now I know you cannot imagine ever being happy again, I was there just a few short weeks ago. I still have difficulty imagining being truly happy again, but in my plan B I have moments of contentment; just being OK with myself. I can also breathe and think. Then there are the days when the anger, resentment, sadness, and feeling alone are overwhelming. I come here and vent or call a friend or do something for myself.

Do not give in to the crazy feelings - I do understand how very difficult this is for you, especially trying to stay strong for the children.

Keep venting and I will keep sending Hugs and Prayers.

I went back and read a few pages back. Don't focus on the what if's!!! What if's do not help you...trust me I am finding that out.

Focus instead on what is best for you and then what is best for your children. You falling apart will not help them.
Once you decide what is the best course of action for yourself, then make a little plan, stick to that plan and place one toe/foot in front of the other.

Also, just take a deep breathe...

H-E:

Pull yourself together!

Someone has infected your marriage and your family with a virus, and as a wife and mother, your trying to clear it of that virus!

Will the VIRUS fight back? Sure. They want to live to poison again.

If you do NOTHING, you will end up divorced.
If you do something to end the AFFAIR and get your WH BACK, you might succeed, and end up with an intact family, once again.

You might do all these things, and still end up divorced. And your 14 year old DD, in one year, or two years, will look at you like Joan of Arc. Fighting for what was right, while the WH and his slimey OW set fire to EVERYTHING that was important to your family.

Don't worry about DD, she will understand. Read HOPE 3343's thread, and how her relationship with her DD15 (at the beginning, now 16yo) has evolved.

And the text that your lousy WH sent: "Is this what you want?"

This ISN'T what you want:

OW infecting your marriage.
Divorce
Destruction of the family
Loss of the father figure, who is now tainted.

And he is asking you what you want?

I think you simple answer to his text is: "I know what I want, and I want my H back, I want the father of my chiuldren back, and I want POS OW OUT of our family" What do YOU want?

NO fantasy Divorce for WH's.

Keep fighting, your DOING THE RIGHT THINGS.

LG

I texted him the I wants for my marriage......no response. As I said earlier, that text message should have been worded, " do you really want to go down this road?" he certainly wasn't wondering about whether or not I really want the divorce.

More than half the day is gone....I'll be glad when tomorrow is over.

Don't think about what your WH is thinking or wondering. He's not your H, he's an alien in H's body. The alien wants the A to carry on in peace while you stand back and suffer.

Your chances of getting H back are better by staying strong and fighting for your M, even if it means doing things that are so out of character for you and could cost money. The fact is it will cost even MORE money if you do nothing. WH will want more money to live a separate life from you and the family, to feed his A and pay for things for POSOW, and will feel he has every right to do so! My H stopped direct deposit on his paychecks from one job and had no intention of telling me; when I asked him about it, he lied saying that they made a mistake and that he would ask his boss about it. Now he tells me that his thinking at that time was: "it's MY money."

Please remind me, were you thinking of taking ADs (antidepressants), or have you already started, or did you decide not to take them? I seem to recall something you mentioned about ADs some pages back? I took them during my H's A, and they helped me tremendously. Before I started taking them, I was literally a basket case, I was breaking down several times every day.

Hi, yes I was considering it and someone here at work mentioned Zantac for anxiety as opposed to taking something on a daily basis. For the most part, I have good days, but occasionally when the fire is up more, I get like I am today. I'm going to try and make an appointment for the end of next week.....I'm trying to hold out until payday.

Tomorrow is going to be excruciating as I will have to look at the both of them.

Zantac? Are you sure you didn't mean to say Xanax? Zantac is intended for things like heartburn and ulcers, not depression or panic attacks.

Just thought I'd point that out, I'd hate to see you get yourself the wrong product and then not get the relief your looking for.

I feel terrible for you and for what you are going through, hope, and if I could just reach out and give you a big hug...I would. However, I also find you one of the most courageous persons I have ever encountered and you sincerely do impress me. I know you likely don't even realize just how courageous you are but, in all honesty, you really, really are. To say you are an inspiration to so many others doesn't even hit the tip of the iceberg.

Hold tight and keep your chin up the best that you can, h_e, you have been doing great so far and I know that you can continue to do so. If you feel the need to break down and cry at times, so be it, crying does NOT make you less courageous, it just shows that you are human and that you have feelings that sometimes need to "come out." You are a whole lot stronger than you even know.

Hugs, hugs, hugs and, oh yeah...more hugs to you.

You rock!!!

Thanks for all the hugs and prayers. I'm really going to need them come tomorrow. However, I dread looking at the two of them. I'm hoping it will go quickly. I ache inside so much that tears are always ready to fall. I can't imagine peace ever again. I hurt for my babies that are being gilted out of a whole family.

He meant lots of things by his ambiguous text. That's why he worded it the way he did. He wanted to see YOUR interpretation, and it left him an "out" if you "misinterpreted" the text.

You see, no matter how you read it, he could say YOU read it wrong. It's all your fault, no matter what.

So your return message was perfect. You told him what you wanted, period. No misinterpretation. He asked you what you wanted, and you told him. Now he can't respond, because his expectation was for you to return fire with something nasty. Only - once again - you surprised him. Good for you.

To answer your question - yes, there have been others here who have had the OP in the affair called to answer for their role in things in court. In that particular case, the BW had already decided she did not want to reconcile with her WH, and she had her day in court with WH and OW. She was strong, she was terrific. And she won what she asked for. Her WH was defeated looking, weak, and did not expect what he got when he arrived in the courtroom. He expected a down-trodden woman who was broken and pining for him. What he got was a woman who was dressed to the nines, strong in voice and posture, who stood up for herself and spoke clearly about the affair and what had gone on through her attempts to expose, recover, and then ultimately on her own decision to divorce.

When you go into court tomorrow, remember that your ultimate aim is to stand against the AFFAIR. Tell the judge that your intent is to protect your children from the effects of the AFFAIR, and that your choice all along has been to attempt to recover the marriage - that you want more than anything for the OW to leave your husband alone, for him to join you in marital counseling, and for the children to live in an intact family - and that your filing was for the purposes of protecting your children and yourself financially....and from the influences of the AFFAIR.

Stress that. Stand up straight, speak clearly and speak TO THE JUDGE.

When OW arrives, look RIGHT AT HER, and show just a slight "knowing grin" with some teeth showing. She will know your anger and disgust from this. She means NOTHING to you. Remember - she is a piece of dirt under your feet, and you walk over her. Your strength will come when you realize she cannot meet your straight-on gaze. She will look away, and look down - mark my words - because of her own shame and weakness. HOLD HER GAZE UNTIL SHE LOOKS DOWN, AND DO NOT LOOK AT HER AGAIN ONCE SHE HAS LOOKED DOWN. YOU WIN THE POWER PLAY ONCE SHE LOOKS DOWN, AND IF YOU DO NOT RE-ENGAGE, YOU HOLD THE POWER PERMANENTLY.

Gather strength from that.

And when your WH arrives, look straight into his eyes, and do NOT cry. Look at him with strength in your eyes, and with a very neutral and open look to you. Keep your hands open - no fists - and turn your body toward him. Smile slightly - no teeth - and nod your head toward him. Then, look away and do not look back at him until you must - and if you must, look only at him in a neutral way...NO EMOTION.

And also, once you have shut down the OW? Do not look at her again - at all. You hold the power once she looks down. DO NOT LOOK AT HER AGAIN..

You win once that happens. Promise.


SB

Thanks schoolbus,

I needed those pointers!!! I was wondering how I should hold myself in court. I don't know that I will be able to speak in court, but I will be confident and speak clearly. I'm concerned about my appearance as I know that I repulse him, so there may not be much that I can do for that. I've always considered my self ok, but not a raving beauty. Of course the weight has not helped. I've lost 60 lbs and that has made a big difference. This is a hearing for temporary orders; do you get to speak much at this type of thing? I'm very nervous.

hope, do you have something nice to wear? What about your hair and make up?

The temporary order thing is usually brief. You have kids, so it might include some money stuff. Since the OW is an issue, you can ask that she be barred from contact with the kids!!!!


As for your appearance - he might have said that you "repulse" him. He has already regretted that comment, I assure you. It is evidence of his low character during the affair, and he likely said it only because he knew it would hurt you. Had he not been in the affair, he never would have said anything of the kind. Also, know that at some point he will retract it. They always do.

Dress to look your best. Look good, and smell good. Put on perfume - he will notice. He will be looking at you, watching your every move, looking at how you appear, how you sound. Look confident, look unaffected by him and OW, and look your best.

IF he asks you if you are sure about a divorce - tell him that you do NOT want a divorce! Tell him that you felt you had no choice but to protect the financial issues from OW, and from his behavior. Tell him you LOVE HIM and that you WILL FORGIVE HIM if he chooses to return to the marriage. Tell him you fully intend to drop the divorce proceedings the instant he stops his affair and returns home to work on the marriage - that the divorce IS HIS CHOICE, NOT YOURS, that he has put you in this position.

SB

Well done, schoolbus. Well done. Everything she said, HE, especially the eye contact points.

He hasn't text me again or responded, so I guess he didn't really want the answer.

I can maybe find something to wear, but I'm limited on clothes as I've lost so much weight that everything hangs on me. I think I can make it with the hair and make-up. I'll have to really work to not cry; it's hard for me, but sometimes the adrenaline helps with that a little.

I'm still scared of a surprise or what he will do to me....he's always threatened me in some way in order to maintain control. It use to be that if I threw up divorce in the heat of an argument, that he would threaten to kill me. He's done this twice in our last 5 years of marriage. After the last death threat, I stopped alltogether using the divorce word. We really argued very little, but when we did...oh boy. I mentioned the threatening to kill me when we first started to go through this and he completely denied it and said he never said it.

I actually called my parents and an officer that is a friend of the family. It really scared me. That's why I knew there had to be an affair as he was always so sure of never parting. He's completely ready now to leave.

Well, it's the eve before what will probably be one of the worst days of my life. I had such a wonderful upbringing and my parents always did a great job directing me into adulthood. I never thought that one day I would be looking at divorce as a reality in my life.
I think one of the hardest things for me is my self-esteem...this has been so hard for me; the knowledge that he isn't attracted to me and would rather someone else. I just want to be wanted and I think that is what I have always wanted in this marriage.

Hope, you will live over this, I PROMISE. It will not always be so dark. You are doing a great job in standing up for your marriage and your children's family.

Are your parents coming with you?

Yes, my parents are coming with me and they will be able to sit in the gallery for the whole thing. She said that they just need to realize that they could be called on for testimony. They are fine with that. I don't think they will be called on, but they are ready if needed.

I'm so nervous right now that I can hardly think straight. I hope it goes fast.