I am crushed... Through an investigator, I found my wife has been having an online and sexual encounter with another married man. She lied for days until I finally paid $2000 (which I didn't have) to an investigator for the evidence. We have two young children (2 and 6) and her reaction is that she is not sorry for it. And she says she doesn't love me anymore.
This is my soulmate and I am sure that the constant neglect of each other has led us down this path. There is nothing left for each other as we give it all to the children. Not to mention the current economy has really taken it's toll on my ability to provide.
I have been going to counselling both with her and alone for the past few weeks and have been trying to show her how I can be intimate with romantic walks and such but she's going through the motions and still wants to divorce. I don't know what I'd do without her.....

Welcome to MB...

Have you read this thread? For Newly Betrayed Spouses - By Longhorn

Have you read the MB Basic Concepts? [tab at top of the page]

Mr. Wondering

Haven't slept since I found out and finally found this site last night. Have printed out everything and also done 8 hours of reading on basic principles and all of the tabs on the right side of home page. Thank you for pointing me to this thread. Will read now.
Thanks for you help!

Chris

If you realize nothing else today, please take this message to heart.

Nearly all wayward spouses react like this once their affair is discovered. I know, believe me I know, hearing this kind of garbage is wayyy more painful than actually discovering the affair.

We all go into this thing (actually are forced into it) without any knowledge of the dynamics of an affair or the mindset or a wayward. It's only logical to assume that the cheating spouse will immediately realize the error of their ways, bow down on their knees for forgiveness, and pledge to do anything in their power to make it up to us if we only give them another chance.

Well, that only happens in movies and fairy tales. You wife's reaction is all too typical, so read all you can and listen to the advice given. We've all been through this same thing.

Thank You Schtoop. Feel not so alone in this since I've found this site. Also feeling like she's probably still seeing him instead of Yoga on Tues and Thurs. I think she's just getting better at hiding it.... So overwhelming!

Have you exposed yet to family, friends and the wife of the MM??

That is your quickest way to diffuse the A. More vets will follow with advice.

Do not say anything to your WS, just do it.

Thanks Hope! I have told the in-laws and my parents as well as siblings and a few friends... I have yet to inform the others wife...

That's your first order of business. Find the OMW and tell her about the A.

Well, if you want her affair to end, that is what needs to be done first and foremost.

You could ask 100 people on this board and EVERY ONE of them will tell you that you MUST expose to OM's wife. The OM is probably spinning this to his wife as you read this. Cheaters are essentially possessed aliens, who are capable of behavior you never would have EVER assumed possible. Until the A is over and the fog clears (read about fog-babble on this site), you cannot believe one word that comes out of her mouth or the OM's mouth.
And yes, 99% of the time, the affair doesn't end with the first exposure, it just goes deeper underground, as you discovered. All that crap about not loving you, etc.? Ignore for the time being. Sorry you're here, but welcome.

Christopher,

I have yet to inform the others wife...

Gather your evidence, tell no one what you are going to do, present it to OMW, when OM find out his wife knows he will cut all ties to your wife, your wife will feel abandoned and thrown away but will wake up fast.

God Bless
Gamma,

Trust me on this. I exposed to everyone EXCEPT the OM's W. It never stopped the affair. I finally exposed and sure enough the affair was finsihed faster than you can blink an eye. The trick is to do it Immediately before the affair gets deeper or the partners will become more willing to suffer consequences and not stop it even after exposure. DO IT NOW.

Thank You all so Much for the direction!! As I have yet to pay the PI, he has not given me the guys contact info, so I'm in a pickle. Was going to sit down with the wife and get as much info tonight. Also, I have his cell phone number and I could pay to find out more info online. Just don't know if it will give me enough info to find the wife. Have a general idea of where they live, but I'm unable to find them after dialing everyone with that name in the white pages...

there are many sites that will give you additional information.

Do you know where OM works?
Do you have his full name.
Is he on Facebook and my space?
look under pipl...good free resource
You need to contact the OMW ASAP before they go underground and your W starts to spin a tale about the A to cover.

You are in the right place.

Christopher

Well here�s a thought goto the gross website, pose as a woman, put up a pretty picture perhaps you can fish him out into the open.

Gamma

Christopher.

Do a reverse look up on the cell number. It costs about $20. It will give you his adress and the occupants. It may even give you the home number. I used it on my W's OM.

Chris, sorry you are here. I would do as the others have suggested and expose this affair. Have her parents spoken to her about the affair? That would be very helpful.

But the most impactful thing you can do right now is expose the affair to the OM's wife. Do not forewarn your wife you are going to do this. Just do it. And on that day, which should be ASAP, expose the affair to any other close friends and family. Doing this all on the same day has a tsunami effect that is more likely to kill the affair. The more people who are talking to your wife about her adultery, the better. '

Exposure is your greatest weapon against the affair, so use it!

Thank you all for your kind words and wisdom. I am doing the cell # lookup tonight and will confront tomorrow. Having a friend drive me and stand as a witness in case the cops are called. I also had the PI hack her a/c's again and she is now im'ing him. I have taken over controll of this account so he is IM'ing me instead. Told her not to go to yoga today and come right home. Just want her to come clean but I know she won't.

Who are you confronting? If you mean the OM, I would contact his wife FIRST so the OM does not have a chance to spin the story to her. What a WS typically does is tell their spouse about some "jealous nutjob who believes everyone is after his wife." So when you do call the BS won't believe you.


Chris, I wouldn't play the cat and mouse game of trying to get her to come clean. That is a waste of valuable time. Instead, tell her you know about the affair and give her just enough evidence to assure her you know what you are talking about. Ask her to end her affair by cutting off all contact. She may try to convince to allow her to remain "friends," but that will NEVER EVER WORK. Don't even think about it.

Thanks Melody. Was going to make sure the other spouse knows. Had a conversation with my wife and I'm pretty sure they have terminated the relationship. The IM's are ones she tells me she never picked up cuz she doesn't use that service. She gave me all of his info including work and home address and answered all my questions. Am still wary but I felt we finally had a pretty good conversation...