I know this subject comes up from time to time, but looking for a fresh perspective. My 9-year-old boy is getting bullied by two girls and two boys in school. He's a sensitive kid, an actor/musician type, not seriously overweight, but not super-athletic, either. All but two of the kids in his class are pretty skinny so he's on the heavy end of the spectrum, but it's not like he has to wear "husky" size clothes or anything. A little jelly belly is probably the big part.
Kids call him fat and gay and queer and perverted. The four ringleaders sometimes get the other kids involved, too. Any ideas. I've tried most of the usual "toughen up and turn the other cheek" stuff, as well as the touchy-feely "let's all try to work this out stuff." Thanks for any advice.

I had to pause after reading this because the teacher and mom in me wanted to say, "Tell me who they are, Ima, and I'll beat 'em up!"

When I was going through some things in 5th grade, my mom told me to "consider the source." In other words, her opinion that anyone who treated a fellow classmate like that didn't have much of an attitude worth worrying about. This helped some, but didn't make it stop of course. I have taught my own DD the power of quick witted responses. Sometimes they are funny, sometimes they are biting. She has used a few and stopped a couple of people in their tracks. I have also taught her the value of a well placed eye-roll or "puleeze." I have one friend whose middle school son was kind of shy and not a jock, and people sometimes called him gay. He once responded, "Why? You interested?" That turned the tables, but I wouldn't recommend it for a 9 year old.

So here's my teacher advice. I would write down specific instances and contact the teacher. maybe a vague email asking you to call. Tell her/him that you have some concerns about your son being bullied, and that since most schools have tough policies on this, you thought she should be aware. Ask to meet with her. Be very "we're in this together" oriented and bring the examples. Ask the teacher if she has any ideas of how to handle this from your end, and ask her if there is anything she can to do help your son. This gets the point across that you want it handled but without putting her on the defensive. Give it a few weeks. If is hasn't changed any, then contact here again, letting her know you are grateful that she has helped you, but that you would like to talk with the principal as well because there are still problems. If that doesn't yield any results, I would go to the central office. I wouldn't recommend confronting the parents because, sadly, many kids learn this crap from their parents.

I hope some of that rambling helps.

I have talked to my kids (8 & 12) about this type of situation all the time, well before it ever happened (and it has happened). I told them that certain kids will pick on other kids to make themselves look cool. Furthermore, they try to "enlist" other kids because "the easiest way to find a friend is to find a common enemy." So, I have taught them to stick up for anyone who they see is being bullied.

So, to that end, he might need to find a friend or two to help him stick up for himself. Perhaps he can invite someone from his class home from school to play, take them out for pizza, etc. You might help make him look cool. If you can get one of the kids who is picking on him to your son's side by doing this, even better. Obviously this is easier said than done.

Finally, as I'm sure you have already done, reinforce with your son the fact that if he ever sees someone else getting picked on, that he sticks up for them, too.

It's so hard being 9! It's also tough being the parent, and knowing when to let things play out by themselves, and when to step in. Barring physical violence, I think you would be better off to step out of this at the administrative level, and focus on being supportive of your son. (says the woman whose son was being bullied in kindergarten and taught him how to throw a punch...also taught to NOT be the first to throw one...but throwing the LAST one is imho golden)

Okay, so total disclaimer out of the way...talk to your son about discerning what is truthful, and what is hateful, and what he can do something about, and what he can't. If he is getting picked on about his weight, does it bother him? Is there anything he's willing to do about it? How much effort on his part would it take for these comments to not bother him? Talk about how people pick on other people for lots of things...race, gender, orientation, nationality, political party, and how while all things can not be addressed, some can, and those that CAN be addressed, do not HAVE to be addressed if they are not a problem for the person getting poked.

Basically, I advocate for strong character that does not need bending to societal pressure.

All great advice folks-thanks! Luri, the teacher has just been involved as of this morning, since she noticed my son was unhappy yesterday and asked him what was going on. His response, "It's kind of personal." I said, "What? She's going to think I'm beating you at home." (Well I didn't say that outloud, but I certainly thought it!) So I emailed her with specifics. We're actually about to finish the school year up, so we're hoping to just ride it out. The teacher is pretty sympathetic, so she actually called the principal in today to lecture the whole class, which I'm happy to hear. Just hope it doesn't cause more retribution.
ImStaying-yes he does have some very close friends, just not too many in this class. But he does have one kid who sticks by him thank god. And he's been taught NEVER to bully or to stand silent when someone else is bullied. He learned the hard way when he wanted to be buddies with a bully in preschool. One time, he ganged up on a smaller kid, and OMG you should have seen how hard and fast I lowered the boom on him. The other mom was like, "oh boys will be boys." I said bullchit. My son won't be hanging with your son.
CWMI-alas, my boy is a lover, not a fighter. Even a year and a half of karate, and he just isn't a confrontational kid. He does work on clever come-backs, though. It just sucks when someone calls him a fat [censored] in front of a girl he's sweet on. Grrrr.

The censored word at the end was a derogatory form of gay, that rhymes with maggot.

Ima, how religious is your family? "I'll pray for you." is a pretty good comeback to the drive-by insult. Also a good smack to your own forehead with an exclamation of, "OMG, I almost gave a crap about what you think!" followed by a shudder.

Both might get his butt whooped.

But he knows ka-ra-tay, right?

Actually, it's kinda funny CWMI. One of the little girl bullies comes from a very religious family. I told my boy to say, "Do you believe in god, Mary? Do you think he appreciates those ugly words coming out of your mouth?"
He hasn't done it yet. I think he just told her she had an ugly mouth. Close enough, I guess. LOL!

My daughter was having some issues with a clique in her class. They were critiquing her clothes (hand me downs from cousins, older friends, etc. Since when did hand-me-down Abercrombie and Hollister go on the "make fun of" list?) and the fact that she's so short and looks so young. At home, I tried to tell her that it won't help her know, but take it from me, she is going to LOVE not looking her age down the road when all these cute-early-developing chicks look like hags at 40 and she's still getting carded to buy alcohol.

But we did work out a great response. She appears to listen intently to the barb, like she's thinking really hard about it, says "you know, what you say has merit. I'll bring it back to my committee and we'll take it under advisement. We should reach a decision in about a week and will notify you."

It sounds silly and it totally took these girls by surprise. First of all, they had no friggin' clue what my daughter was saying, but just felt that undercurrent of "hmmm, she is giving it right back to us". But they had no idea how to respond.

They've left her alone since.

No, not close enough! Do you see the difference between telling someone...anyone...that their behavior is ugly versus their physical features are ugly?

I was joking CWMI! I thought it was cute that he *tried* to remember what to say, but that's how it came out. I thought the fact that it came out as a slur, unintentionally, was funny. Mom has to see humor at times or she goes crazy!
OH-yes we can try something like that, but I can only imagine if he messed up the ugly words/ugly mouth come-back, how he'd screw that one up!

ima, here are my additional thoughts. You're son is nine, not 39. It is not time for him to have to philosophize his way through meanness - no kid should have to. What they are doing is wrong, and he should not be trying to figure out if it's his fault. It isn't his fault. He's only 9. Second, you love your son, and you know him better than anyone. You are doing the best you can to protect him, which IS still a mom's job. Don't beat yourself up because you aren't some subjective version of perfect, and hug on that sweet little boy when he feels hurt. I can understand if we are talking about all adults here. But children are children. If I could be his teacher......I would find some subtle way to make sure the bullies were the ones who felt bad in that class. That's just how I roll. He is 9, and when he shoots up in a few years he might just be skinny as a rail.

Kids are kids, not grownups. Sometimes in our make everyone become an analyst world we forget that. You just love on that son and teach him what's right. And next year he'll have a whole new class, and they just might think he is THA BOMB!

Okay, protective teacher of children rant over.

Thanks Luri! Heading home to hug my little guy right now!

My kids can't stand pandering or treating them like they're not mature enough to deal with things. I couldn't stand it, either. They like plans, like me.

imho, if you wait until kids are 'old enough' to be treated like adults, you end up with adults who act like children.

This just breaks my heart, kids can be so cruel....My DS is eight and he told me last month that at recess, there is a bully that picks on everyone, this bully was picking on one of DS classmates...So my DS went over there and told the kid to leave him alone....I was so proud of DS....

I was relentlessly tormented in grade school...but then blossomed in middle school. In grade school I just remember my mother telling me to ignore them...well that works, but it takes a while...The worst thing is showing that it bothers him....Sometimes I remember just giving a "pffft" and walking away...after a while they stopped....

You said he has friends...that helped me sooo much, as long as I had my good friend on my side, it helped me weather through it. Poor kid, I wish I had more to offer.

I guess I'm just not a "slap em when they are down" kinda person. If my mom had told me to suck it up and quit whining when three girls were making my life hell....I don't think I could have stood it. And if someone had told my mom she was blowing it....I don't think she could have stood it. And my mom is one tough cookie. You wanna tell me I'm a crappy wife? I'll cry some. You wanna start telling me I'm a crappy mom? I hope you have some body armor. You wanna rag on my kids? I hope you've made peace with your God

I agree you can do a lot of damage if you toss them to the wolves and say "see ya!"

On the other hand, you do have to teach kids the tools they need to be successful in this world.

My theory is that you encourage them to stand on their own...and what that looks like is different at different ages. A young child needs to know Mom and Dad are squarely in his/her corner. In that case, it probably means taking it to the teacher, making her aware of the problem. Probably not a great idea with a teenager though! That would have to be handled differently.

I do think it is good to teach social and coping skills to kids. I was one of those "gifted" kids. My brain just plain worked differently sometimes. And my mom (and the groovy gifted school I went to) did a super job teaching about social graces, those unspoken do's and don'ts, tact, graciousness, and the seeds of successful professionalism. Even in my most stressful times, because of those teachings I have always dealt well with wily parents, difficult colleagues, and even jerky bosses. These skills follow people into adulthood....as does the lack of these skills. Think about the adults you interact with, those who draw you, can tell you the hard truths, but who you respect. And those who seem crass, condescending, and just plain unpleasant even when they are right. Chances are one group learned those social skills somehow, and the other never did.

My son went from bully-target to "famous", as one kid put it. This particular kid decided upon meeting my son that he was ultra-geek and needed to learn "fashion" and "pop music" in order to be accepted and attractive to girls.

Funny. This kid had been everything my son was - musically inclined, smart academically, etc. and had given it all up to "fit in".

Then he came to live with us and watch himself and who he would have been if he had been true to himself for three more years. And he hated my son because of it. (and because he was living with us, it made us all miserable!)
***Edit to add note - this boy spent the first month he lived with us trying to tell me how I should change my son so that he'd fit in; then the first day of high school, he suddenly saw that my son fit in just fine - he was popular and girls flocked around him the first day to welcome him back - they were all very good friends and DS just has a way of making everybody feel comfortable around him, geekiness and all!. That's where the "DS's Famous!" comment came from!

What changed DS from bully target to a young man who could be "famous" and true to himself was simply how he saw himself.

I worked really hard on teaching my son that he was precious. That it was most important that he saw himself as precious. That he was perfect the way he was.

It hit critical mass after he had been hazed during PE in 6th grade and we pulled him out of PE; he coasted by avoiding bullies for a year. Then he came home from scouts after trying to pass off his swimming merit badge in a rage. The boys had been trying to encourage him in their own way as he really struggled with it, but he had perceived it differently. I needed to change his filters. So I sent him to a teen camp that focused on helping teens see their true potential and nature - "If it is to be, it's up to me and my committed actions."

He came home a different young man. I worked to reinforce the perception filters. The perception that kids are "out to get them" may or may not be true. This is the toughest part - to teach a child to know their worth from inside themselves, instead of what outside them says. But when you give a child this gift - to know that when they do good, they become better and no one can take that away from them - when they make good choices, when they are kind to each other, and look out for those kids that don't know how precious they are yet - this is the gift that makes them immune from bullies. Because then the jokes and the witty come-backs come from within, not memorized prompts from a parent.

Thank you, everyone for the advice. It's great to hear so many perspectives on the issue. I think each poster brings their own experiences, which helps me to understand possible remedies.
As a follow up, I'll mention that the school did indeed take the matter very seriously and had the principal come in and lecture the entire class and ask each of them to be on the lookout for any bullying. Each child was taken aside individually, as my son was not the only victim in the class, and they were either given the "I'm here for you," speech, or the "I'm watching you," speech. Year's almost over, so that's a good thing!