Exactly what I was thinking. She has no intention of apologising and is taking the new life, no apologies, no remorse route. I can't make her feel remorse, she thinks she is the victim at the minute because she has been alienated by people. Our relationship wasn't rosey before the affair and she thinks nobody can see things from her point of view. I'm happy to admit my own lack of attention to her before things got really bad, but still, she thinks she's shouldering more than her fair share of the blame. Should I make a decided effort to take more blame for the situation? I'm happy to do that for the sake of our marriage but don't want to be a door mat!

Those are not problems and they are not stumbling blocks. They are EXCUSES and ways to blame you for her affair and avoid taking responsibility. Wild horses won't be able to stop her when she is serious.

She is likely still in contact or is contemplating contact so just keep her feet to the fire and stick to your plan A!

And don't listen to fogbabble.

It won't help your marriage, it will help her stay foggy by blaming you for her affair. You will give her ammunition with which to shoot you.

How about just asking friends to contact her aswell, just as support? Or should I just let her steam away in her own self pity until she comes around? Everything seems to move sooooooo slowly but it's only been a week or so since the truth came out!

You don't need to be trying to persuade her of anything, including the fact that she can come back. If you do, it's going to come back to bite you. It's a disrespectful judgment, and that's a love buster, a love bank withdrawal.

Plan A is where you show her (not tell her) that you are someone she will want to stay married to at all costs, because of your effectiveness in meeting her emotional needs.

Just as an update, Ww is still in venom mode. Also very very depressed about the fact that all our friends are contacting me rather than her. When I told everyone about her affair, I didn't say that we were already on the rocks. She thinks that people see the situation unfairly, but despite the fact we were going through a rough patch, nothing can justify sleeping with OM when she is married. I think I've been sticking to plan a quite well despite the accusations I've been getting.

She says my nice behaviour is messing with her mind. She even admitted she really wanted a hug for the first time in months. Any emotional contact she has with me (eg me putting arm around her when she is crying) is generally shrugged off as feeling 'weird'. She says we shouldn't be hugging if we are splitting up.

I feel like I am making some very very gradual progress, but she is still looking for a new flat and sleeps in another room. Am I getting my hopes up too prematurely? I keep saying to my self - it ain't over till the fat lady sings. Also re-Reading everyones posts has been a tremendous help! Thanks.

What's the story on OM? Is she still seeing him?

They are still at the same work place. She sees him now
and again but it has cooled off a lot. Whereas before she wanted to spend all her time with him, now it is virtually impossible with everybodies eyes on them. It would be unrealistic to suggest there isnt still something there though. He's not out of the picture by any means. I am effectively competing with him now. I originally tried to get her to move jobs but she refused. I beleive her when she says they are not doing anything at the moment because she has no problem in admitting that she'd like to. Except last night when she said she could
no longer carry on with OM because there is too much baggage and hassle. She is not making any commitments other than to look for a new flat and move out. I really hope that doesn't happen.

If she's telling the truth (IF) that her addiction is being cut off, she may begin de-fogging and you'll be hearing less and less about her moving out. Keep up Plan A. The working together thing is going to have to end, but now's not the time, of course, to bring that up.

Yeah I'm kind of resigned to the fact she will move out which may rekindle something between them, but I'm keeping up the plan, no persuasion, no pestering. I'm Really hope this is the fog clearing, very, very slowly. Thanks

I gotta tell you, Andy - she doesn't seem to be taking any real steps toward moving out. It seems like she's going to move out when she gets around to it. That doesn't sound very driven to me. It sounds to me like she's waiting on OM to make a move, and he's not moving.

Plan A.

Thanks for the encouragement. When you put it like that, I think you are right! Fingers crossed!

Had a good day with WW yesterday and we got on really well. I didn't rise to any chatting about the relationship, I just let her say her piece and then took her shopping. She loved it. She kept saying 'i wish it was like this before, but it's too late now' and also 'I can't go back to you now, too many people would be judging me every day of my life.' I'm not asking her to come back, just saying that if she ever changes her mind, the door is open. It's like she is at least thinking about it, but ruling it out in her mind. She also keeps saying 'i really really want to be friends after all this.'

so many mixed messages, but at least I got to make some
good LB deposits.

I hope you make it clear that if she makes the decision to leave that you will NOT be FRIENDS.

I think she's still on the fence, but leaning in your direction. This is very good, andy. Reassure her that you are there and waiting.
I wish there was a delicate way to let her know that she probably isn't the hot topic with everyone who knows her. She's really not. If she stayed with you it wouldn't make the papers, KWIM? She needs to know that there won't be a 'penalty' for choosing to do the right thing.

Not so explicitly. I've made it clear that my sole intentions are to save the marriage and that the door is open to her. I stopped short of saying 'if you can't be my wife, you can't be my friend' because I'm saving that for a bit later - Plan B. At the minute I'm taking the last of the venom, which happens now
and again, although I'm not taking any responsibily for her affair. Surely it's too early in plan A to issue ultimatums like that? I thought
I was doing well by stopping the affair (although not 100% as they still see
each other in work). I had intend to gradually insist on various things as we patch up our relationship, including leaving her job if she ever wants to commit properly to getting back together.

Have you actually made a list of your requirements for recovery? You may want to do that so you have your talking points in hand when she comes around.

She IS going to have to leave that job. I forgot - did you expose this A to their employer?

Thanks, Thats exactly how I see it and it's nice to know from an outside observer that someone sees it like me.

She's had another day of pestering from people at work today. I'm not sure exactly what happened though. Like you say, If only I could convince her that she isn't front page news, things would seem a lot more comfortable my side of the fence! Thanks.

You're right, I should make a list and make the points fresh in my mind too. Yes, I did expose to the employer. I made a formal complaint and so did some others, and I also told all her work friends and collegues. No action was taken but it is surely a very awkward situation. The problem is, she is very very good at her job and she enjoys it too. It will be tough to pursuade her to leave it, but if she loves me again, I should be able to show her better alternatives!

Another day and another knock back. It was our anniversary yesterday. We agreed to go out and have a good time together. Instead Ww came in full of self pity and decided to sulk the whole evening after being on the phone all day because all her family are arguing about the situation. I kept up the positive atmosphere as much as possible.

She also told me she wouldn't be home two days this week because she will be looking for a flat near work and staying at a friends. She says she is staying with people I know and not OM but I can't be certain, (maybe 80% sure realistically). Eitherway, it's a big sway in the wrong direction but I'm not putting up resistance any more, just letting her make her own decisions and make home as nice as possible.

Reading other threads with people in my position I see some encouragement just to cut my losses and move on, which is what all my family and friends say, even some of her family. I've always thought if I could save 12 years of fantastic times together, it would overcome all the pain of trying to repair things. I have no kids and she has shown no real signs of attempting to even try and come back and save the marriage. All my friends are with me and very supportive. Should I grit my teeth like I have been since march, and keep going with plan A , thinking about it every minute? OR, should I cut and run?