OK IHS..... this really gets under my skin! Ya know why?

Because the solution is SIMPLE!

Write a No Contact letter just as Dr. H recommends and GIVE it to your wife!

It's that simple!

SHE can choose to hold it or mail it...... but at least you have demonstrated your willingness to write the letter.

I wrote my NC letter with a great deal of help from page 58 in �Surviving An Affair�, by Dr. Willard Harley. He suggests something pretty close to what I wrote;

XXX, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My affair with you was a cruel indulgence that (my wife) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (my wife) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I love my wife and family and I do not want to do anything to risk their happiness again. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end all contact.

What about your cell #, I know it's your work cell, have you explained to them your situation and asked for a different #?

IHS, if b_r asks something of you, I don't think respecting that request is best viewed as being 'obedient'.
Obedient is something that a child is to parent, or a pet to their owner.

Personally, I don't want my FWH to just obey me when I have a request that is meant to protect me.

I guess what I'm saying is that the motive behind doing what b_r asks, is not done to be seen as the obedient husband,

it's done cuz your priority is to heal b_r's suffering,

cuz you care that her suffering is real even though you can't feel it,

cuz you know that you are the cause of it and

cuz you say that you want to restore your M.

Tst- I am trying to change. For the first time
in my life I am trying to identify my issues. Talking about things reading about feelings, issues is making me think.

As Mark said yesterday....

Keep Workin.....

I just want to let you know. My H is not in an affair, he's not been a serial cheater. But I am making plans to leave him nonetheless. You know why?

YOUR STATEMENT ABOVE. He does the same thing. There is no talking to him about issues. He sticks his head in the sand, or deflects the issue, or has an AO about it or tries to turn it around and make it my problem instead of our problem.'

There is no intimate conversation, no way to complain or critique to make our marriage better because everything is taken personally.

I know you've got a lot of things going against you IHS. Addressing this latest affair is the biggie right now. But if you don't address this, you are going to lose, regardless.

If you tell us specifically what she is frustrated about we might be able to help you.

What is she asking for that you are unable to do, or maybe don't know where to start?

Tst- agreed I will write the letter (use your template) and give this to my wife.

Outhouse - I couldn't agree with you more, my failure to communicate to bottle everything up, to not talk to my wife is one of the root causes of why we have issues in our marriage. I said it so that I can come clean, so that I admit a big issue and can try and make it better.

I agree with the things you guys saying, and I want to be a better person, and be someone that my wife could be in love with again...someday.

IHS, what about the cell phone#?

It is up to you to do everything possible to prevent contact.

How come I am getting a nagging feeling that NC is either not in place, or it is but you are leaving a door open for it to be broke???

No I am not leaving anything open to be broken. I guess it was an excuse but a new number wouldn't keep her from knowing, but point taken.

I will personally be talking to my boss in the next 2 hours.

IHS. You have (unfortunately, to put it mildly) been through this before. I'm amazed that b_r is still around, and that, coupled with your past infidelity, leaves me shocked to see you fumbling around so much now.

You are getting some excellent advice. Step up and act on it. I understand the paralysis and fear - you don't want to make a misstep, you don't want to screw things up even more. HOWEVER. Don't leave everything to b_r to dictate. Be proactive. If you have an idea or something you would like to do (i.e., WRITE A NC LETTER, whether b_r wants to send it or not), talk about it.

And stop making excuses. Right now, b_r needs to see you all in. If you want to have even a hope of saving this M, that's what it will take. All in.

And, for the record, I don't mean to drop in, be mean, and that's it. Just trying to post from experience - the sooner you get the wake-up call, (and really get it), the sooner you can start recovering (b_r, you, and/or the marriage).

Good, and can you post here when that has been done.

There's 2 things that stand out to me regarding your hesitation to answer a simple question and which requires a simple act.

One, rather than come clean that you have or haven't done something, you simply avoid answering.
You avoid answering, or lying by omission, to avoid trouble/consequences.
I'm thinking that this is a long time habit that you've gotten very good at.
Habits can be broken.

Recognize that you do this, and change it.
Practice telling truths, tell of your activities throughout the day,(be transparent).
Practice these tellings without being asked and if b_r asks you something, answer her immediately.
Practice here by answering questions that are asked, all of them.

Learn to tell the truth, regardless of the consequences.
See, the consequences of the truth are never as bad as the consequences of lying.

Two, I don't believe you when you say that you weren't leaving anything open to be broken.
When you waffle on doing a simple task that would protect your M, like a cell# change, there is a reason.

If b_r and her hurt occupied all of your thoughts, you would act without hesitation.

If OW occupies any space whatsoever in your head, that is less space for b_r to occupy.
Your actions don't match your words with regards to wanting protect b_r or your M.

If b_r were drowning, would you hesitate to throw her a life preserver? I'm assuming no, yet you hesitate to
do whatever it takes to protect your wife.
Protecting her is her life preserver right now.

Focus on thinking of b_r, you've got a big history together, tons of memories to retrieve, use them.
Think about what you can tell her of your day, kill 2 birds, one stone, ya know.

If any other thoughts come in to your head, the OW or 'woe is me', stop and regroup.
No one controls your thoughts but you and that space in your head, is reserved for b_r.

My post above, those are only a few suggestions off the top of my head to help you fix yourself.
Keep reading and absorbing and posting, there are some very smart people around this forum.


Just in case you missed this one ..........

I have been approved to get my cell number changed.

They said it will take a few days but my number will be changed.

Please read this thread on Extraordinary Precautions.

If you have questions about the EP's, you can post them on this thread or the one that is linked below.

LINK

Vittoria -

I am trying too hard. I am scared. I want to hold her, I tell her I love her, that I want this to work, but I know it's too soon, that I hurt her and made her close down.

I don't know what to do, what to say.

Great post. IHS, V has done you an excellent service by spelling this out so clearly for you.

1)Always have something to do (be proactive) to work towards recovery. Make a list, and check it off. Get some books to read. Maybe some emotional healing, forgiveness, affects of affairs, etc.

2) Ask B_R what she needs from you. Write it down, do it....the way she needs it done.

3) Give her all the space she needs, but always be there for her.

4) Tell B_R you're never going to give up, and then don't.

5) You could write about your day (in summary) and your thoughts in a journal, and make it available for B_R to read if she ever wants to.

6) Lastly, B_R likely "doesn't know what to do" right now either. I can almost guarantee that. Negative emotions can take up to 80% of your energy. So, in all probability, she's close to spent before she ever even lifts a hand for the day. YOU will need to do the heavy lifting. If she hasn't asked you to do something, you figure out something to do. Is that clear as mud?

Edited to add:

I am harping on "doing something" because she cannot believe a word that comes out of your mouth right now. She will have to SEE actions, consistently. Nothing else will work. It'll help tremendously if you are actively doing something, as a priority to you, to show your committment to the marriage, and to her. Think in terms of months and years to do this. Have you got it in you?

Use this time to become the man you need to be, and she wants.

I can't think of anything else to add to Mopey's list, she has it covered pretty good.
I can back her up, my thoughts in blue.

IHS, you say that you are scared, she is terrified.