Hi

I am new here. I found out in the end of March that my husband of five years had been having an affair. Ironically I found out three hours after he ended it with her (Saw the FB status where she announced it was over.)

He has not denied the affair, but he has lied ALOT. We have been in counseling and trying to work through this, but due to the amount of lying I have discovered, I don't feel like I can believe anything he says. Some days it is so bad I would not even believe him if he told me it was raining and I could hear the raindrops.

I am currently in an obsessive state, and have no idea where to turn. I am not even sure how to go about rebuilding our life. If anyone can help please respond.

Tearfully Thanks.

Hi Eluna, Welcome.

This is all very early on and your emotional state is normal. But since he has lied alot I recommend you have him take a polygraph. This way you have the full truth and you know what you're up against. If he balks at the idea of taking it, he's still hiding stuff. Do not believe his words at this point, watch his actions.

Is the OW M? If so her BH needs to be informed. Can you verify he has ended contact with her?

Do you have children? How old are you and your WH?

Hi Eluna,

I am sorry you are here.

Ditto on the polygraph.

Who else knows about the A (affair)?

How long was it?

Who is OW?

Your H, if he has a facebook account, will need to close it down. You at the very least will have to block OW from your facebook. You'll need to put a keylogger on the computer so you can quietly snoop on your H's internet activities.

Read "Surviving An Affair", you can purchase it from this website. Read everything you can on this website - lots of helpful info here.

I am really not having the feeling that he is lying to me at the moment. It is more so that I have discovered all these lies and I feel like it is tearing me apart. I want the obsessive thoughts to stop so I can catch my breath and begin to heal. It feel like I get through on crisis just to go into another.

I do know that he has given me access to all his passwords and the email addresses that I know of(he always used a passkey logger for his computer, and has given me a full copy of it; I do randomly check the original to ensure they are the same)

He has installed a gps tracker on his phone and will activate it for me to watch anytime I have a question. He also randomly shows me his call log and I have access to the cell phone records (we put the account into my name the night I found out, so if he used the phone to contact her, I would see it)

He even started therapy because of the affair before I found out.

The night I found the emails, I printed as many as I could out and sealed them into an envelope. I then proceeded to remove his computers from the house (a desktop and a laptop.) I placed all of that at my parents house out of his reach so the only computer in the house is my laptop (Previous to my finding out we were a very techhy family)

Yes we do have a son. He is 21 months old. Me-32 WH-36

Her - she is a divorcee so there is not any husband to tell. Although I have thought informing her employer since she had been using company resources to contact him, however I figure that it may be too much for me to handle with that at the moment.

Will he answer ANY question you have about the A? And have you actually VERIFIED that he is no longer lying?

Does he work with OW? How did he meet her?

If they work together that HAS to change. He'll have to find another job.

He is answering the questions I have asked, although I have refrained from asking too much as far as nitty gritty details. I really don't want to know things like how she was in bed.

As far as facebook, during one of the counseling sessions I explained to him that his FB account was a symbol of the affair to me and I NEEDED it to go away. We have both dropped our FB accounts and have created a joint FB account so that I have complete access to what goes on there. I have all the OW's contact info so I have blocked her on FB (and I erased all her contact info from his phone and email accounts)

As far as who knows about the affair. I don't know if anyone knew during the affair. However his mother had called to speak to us concerning her grandchild at the same time I had started confronting him. So I put her on speaker phone and told her right then and there that I had just found out he had been having an affair.

I have also informed several of our friends, my family, and our sitter (incase the unthinkable happened and I needed to leave)

He has also now informed his best friend, who first reaction was appearently "How's Eluna?"

Do I know for sure that he is not lying to me: No.

However I have told him on numerous occasions that I do not trust anything he says to me at the point. And anytime he does say something I feel I need to question I simply tell him to prove it to me. He has only gotten upset at my not believing him once, and I reminded him that he broke the trust and I have no reason to believe anything he says. I told him I am looking for the other shoe to make sure it does not hit me on the head. So far, as much as I snoop, I can not find it.

They do not work together. She was a high school friend.

One can always buy a throw-away phone.

Princessmeggy,

I have already had that thought too

That's a little red flag there. A tactic alot of WSs use is to get angry with the BS when the WS doesn't want to tell the truth. Whatever the topic was I might revisit it. He is ridiculous in thinking that you should believe ANYTHING he has to say. It's a consequence of his bahavior. You should not trust someone who is untrustworthy. But he's still foggy and won't GET that. But you do.

So he's being transparent, has given you all his accounts and passwords, etc. You can view the phone logs. That all sounds good. I'd recommend he send her a No Contact letter. It basically says that he doesn't want to have contact with her EVER. What he did was wrong. It should be matter of fact with no apologies or love cr@p of any kind. He writes it and you read it and send it. This is the first step in protecting you and your M.

Eluna, his A was not about you. It was all about him. He let his lack of boundaries lead the way and it led to a very bad place. His goal should be to show you that he will establish boundaries that will protect his weaknesses, which in turn, will protect your M.

There are several books that you should read, both of you. Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs, Fall in Love,Stay in LOve. All of these will help you to understand the dynamics of A's and how to nail the door shut from them ever occuring again.

Have you read this site(articles, basic concepts, etc)?

A very good thread to read to get you settled in is Longhorn's
For Newly Betrayed Spouses

When you look at the first steps of R from an A, the critical one is NC. That has to be in place before R can begin. If you can't verify this or you have doubts, that's where you start. Don't show the forum to your WH at this point. This is your safe haven. Dr Harley DOES recommend snooping to find the truth and to verify. There's two threads out there on spying that are very useful. We'll find the links if you need them.

As the princess has mentioned, he can always find a way to contact her. Some WSs will go further underground when the A is discovered. That's why we have to keep checking for evidence. If you have any inclin at all that they are still in C I wouldn't hesitate to C her employer and show them how she was using company assets to engage in the A. That's what we call EXPOSURE.

I have been reading the site for the past two weeks. I also read HN-HN before we got married (it was recommended by the pastor who married us)and he is currently reading it.

We also have two copies of the five languages of love that has been recommended.

I have purchased and began reading surviving infidelity.

You are right that most of what is occurring sounds right, but I still refuse to believe his words or actions.


I will say as far as feelings toward her, I think he is very angry at her at the moment. He had mentioned that she had been pushing him to leave me and our son. His father abandoned him as a young child, so he has real issues with that and fears doing that to his son. I did point out that she asked him to do the same thing to his son that his father did to him. So needless to say he has been stewing on that fact.

as far as a no contact letter: I had been considering that. So far I had sent her an email threatening legal action if she contacted my husband again (my state has two anti-affair laws on the books, one of which only has a real defense of "it did not happen" so if you can prove and affair and the damage to the marriage, then you can sue the OW or OM. However it would cost more to go after her at this point than I would ever get from her.) I also title the email "thinking of you" and sent it from his email address. I was not to nice in it, but I wanted to make sure my point was made and not ignored. That was probably not the best way to handle that, but I was very angry at the time.

As far as this board is concerned, he already knows about it. He and I have both been reading the articles.

Also he had encouraged me to come here and seek support from others who may understand how I am feeling.

That's understandable... however, the no contact letter should be written by YOUR HUSBAND, vetted by you and then mailed by you. That way, it's very clear that this is how HE feels. There are samples for this. It should be very short and to the point basically acknowledging that he still loves you and has hurt you, that he wishes to recover his marriage and demanding no contact of any time for LIFE.

If you get Surviving an Affair, you will see where Dr. Harley discusses this. Also, there are samples here on the site as well.

Can you guys afford the MB coaching? That's really the BEST bang for the buck to get your recovery jumpstarted.

Ok then maybe you could get him to post himself. There are lots of WSs on this board who will call him on any BS or fogtalk that he may be saying or thinking. We have several couples who are amazing (MrW and MrsW, and SMB and TST) who post here and I believe it has strengthened their M by doing so. We suggest that the couples stay off of eachother's threads and if at all possible, not to even read them.

And one last thing...if you can counsel with the Harleys it's the best way to jumpstart your R. They do phone counselling and they have a MB weekend every so often which will get you two well on your way. Many can attest to it's value and how it helped them to R.

MicheleG,

He has agreed to the no contact letter, but has requested a sample. Where can I find one?

Ok can anyone point me in the direction of a sample no contact letter? I have still learning to navigate the site.

Thanks

Here's the sample NC letter:


You are getting great advice. The only other thing I wanted to add is it would be a good idea for your H to change his email/phone. It will ensure that OW will not be able to contact him in the future. The sad thing is no matter how invested in R the WS is, any type of contact will set you guys back...and these OP seem to always come up with a reason to send another email or make another call.

Hang in there.

Thank you for the sample. I called around town yesterday until I found a copy of Surviving an Affair. I went out and bought it. Even took it to our counseling session.

WS has agreed to write a no contact to her. One of my friends has agreed to deliver it, so maybe that is a good start?