I am truely trying to understand this so If someone can explain the differences of opinions please.

Asked counselor about exposure and or contacting the OW.

She felt that both went across boundaries and bent toward codependent tendencies.
Example...BS has relationship with WH
OW has relationship with WH
For BS to expose or contact OW it wld involve BS getting involved with OW creating a triangle which is not good.
It wld be BS trying to fix WH or OW like in codependancy.
The A is between WH and OW not for the BS to try to fix.

Can someone help me get this as compared to MB way of thinking.

That doesn't make any sense, though. I am not going to bother to untangle that loony logic, so I will just refer to you the opinion of a qualified psychologist who knows what he is talking about, the opinion of Dr Willard Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders:

Exposure

Please find a qualified counselor who is experienced in saving marriages from adultery. Your "counselor" doesn't have the slightest idea what she is talking about. And unless your spouse is an alcoholic, the label of "codependency" is mis-applied.

First, why would BS contact OW, I dont think THAT is the MB way....How would exposing the A be getting involved with OW, its just putting the A out in the open for everyone to see....If the affairees are together why wouldnt they want everyone to know? That one is a rhetorical question.

I mean are you talking about in recovery? Then there is no triangle, that is what you are trying to avoid. If you are not in recovery then how is it a triangle....

Very few counselors really understand the dynamics of adultery or understand how to deal with it and save the marriage.

Most counselors just want the conflict between the married couple to stop, so the advise whatever will do that - separation, withdrawal, even divorce.

Let's see - where did this counselor get the idea that the A is "only" between the WS and the OP? How did the BS get lost in that picture?? That's the whole problem in the first place!

And again, let's get this straight - it's not good for the BS to create a triangle with the WS and the OP? Why? Because the A is only between the WS and the OP and the BS should just stay out of their business?

The BS is not trying to "fix" the WH or the OW. The BS is trying to SAVE THE MARRIAGE by killing the triangle. It is not "codependent" to save your own marriage.

Well, your WS and his OW will be very, very happy about this counselor, since you are being told to back off and leave the two lovebirds alone to figure out what they want.

This is why you should save your money and call the Harleys instead.

It's also part of the reason why the divorce rate is over 50%.

Sheesh.

Your counselor obviously does not understand the term of codependence, to begin with. Perhaps a dictionary of psychological terms might be helpful there.


Next, the issue of triangulation is a non-starter. Your HUSBAND has the issue of triangulation - NOT YOU.

Finally, the counselor is blind to the power of exposure. You need to expose, and blow this affair to kingdom come.

SB

P.S. Get a new counselor. The affair has NOTHING to do with you or the OW. It is your husband who is at fault, and it could be any old OW out there - save your marriage and expose.

No, the affair is between the THREE of you because you are married to the WH. This is an intrusion into your marriage. This is YOUR LIFE. And if someone was breaking into your house to rob you would you sit there like a stump and say "the robbery is between the robber and my house, it is not for me to fix! If I lift a finger to help myself I will be codepedent!" <squeek> Wouldn't that be retarded?

You may not have the power to "fix" your WH, but you sure as hell do have the power - and responsibilty - to PROTECT YOURSELF and try and save your marriage.

BUT... your counselor doesn't know this. SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. And since she doesn't know how, she is trying to trick you into believing it CAN'T BE DONE.

This is not true. While there are no guarantees, we have many saved marriages here who ended their spouse's affair and saved their marriages by using EXPOSURE. EXPOSURE is your most powerful weapon in defense of your marriage. If it doesn't kill it dead immediately, it will hasten its death because affairs thrive on secrecy.

Your counselor is advising you to ENABLE the affair by keeping its secret. She wants you to aide and abet the AFFAIR because she doesn't have the slightest idea what she is doing.

here

You need to read Dr Harley's advice and read his explanations of how he comes to give that advice. He explains that he developed his methods after trial and error; after seeing what worked and what did not work to end an affair and rebuild a marriage.

You then need to ask the counsellor what evidence she has for her conclusions. Also ask how she was trained to deal with adultery in marriages (as opposed to a more general training as a psychotherapist), how much experience she has had as a fully qualified practitioner in dealing with adultery, and what her success rates are in ending affairs and rebuilding the marriages.

You should then compare the two explanations and see which one convinces you.

noanswers,

Have you read some of the many threads here in which the affair was exposed to the other spouse? Do you really not see how exposure is a crucial toll in lifting the veil of secrecy that helps the affair to thrive?

Since I am encouraging you to look for evidence, I though you would find this thread useful. It has evidence from people who counselled with practitioners who were not versed in MB. The results for most of them were dire.

noanswers, please do the world of marriage counselling a great service and invite your counsellor to do his/her post-degree work here.

Noanswers,

Affairs are based on DISHONESTY, so this counselor wants you to perpetuate the secrecy of the affair and engage in more DISHONESTY, meaning he wants you to be like THEM.

You have no obligation to LIE for other people, leave the code of silence to the Mafia.

God Bless
Gamma

I knew this would be "opening a can of worms"
I appreciate all the info being shared.
I am asking as I was not understanding her thinking either, but have has tremendous respect and appreciation for how she has helped me thus far.

At this time it feels like my M is headed to D for many, many reasons. Most of which is WH does not want to admit to A, much less work on our marriage.

The fact that I know the A is on going has bothered me tremendously and I continue to feel like I am the only person in this triangle who is healthy enough to do the right thing and confront OW or expose to her H.
I do have codependancy issues in my M WH is happy to let me take charge, do everything and he withdraws on every level. So in her defense I can understand her thinking that by me being the one to confront or expose is another case of me doing everything to help hum.
Nevertheless I still wrestle with am I enabling him do continue in his lies.

Yes!

God's Blessings,

Say

Oh, noanswers, it makes me want to weep to see you say that your M is heading for D, and then, on the same post, say that the OWH doesn't know about the A. No exposure because of the triangulation philosophy?

NA,

If you have children expose to OWH for their sake, this MIGHT help you husband snap out of it, how is he going to explain the reasons why he left you to them?

OWH is having his marriage and his family life, if he has children, destroyed by silence.

Gamma

I can understand why you would wrestle with that. To aide and abet the destruction of your marriage by keeping this dirty secret has got to be quite an enormous weight on your conscience. Not to mention keeping it a secret from the OW's husband.

If you've time, please look at noanswers' first two posts, in the divorce forum.

My opinion, noanswers, is that rather than file for divorce, you should have first tried to end the affair.

I am thinking I will call the coaching center.

I have had no peace about letting this A go on. Not a clue if it will help my M but positive I cant get over doing nothing.

This is all so new to me. Codependancy an all, I am Southern and have always been taught to serve, help, encourage, others.
I never thought of it as trying to fix anybody much less control anyone.
I always thought being a PeaceMaker was a good thing.

SO many questions....

noanswers, is your husband an alcoholic or a drug addict? If not, then the label of "codependence" would not apply to you. Dr Harleys discusses this trend right here: How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages

NoAnswers, your husband and the OW are "controlling" YOU and with their lies and deceit.

You might want to postpone anymore visits to this counselor. At least until you're armed with more knowledge from this site.