We've all had those feelings. What if he did come back and the affair didn't end? AHHHHHHHHH that would be worse.

Yeah, dont think that far ahead right now, NP...Just think, you have a plan and concentrate on that right now...its a battle plan, Plan B....

I second what Scotty said. And a false recovery, like I had, is worse than d-day...

I know. I've been living false recoveries in between every D-Day....

I TRIED to send the email to OW. But every time I started typing her name in I felt physically ill...

Oh no....now I'm sobbing my heart out. And why? Because it started to thunderstorm outside. And WH and I loved thunderstorms.....

NP Don't give up! You might feel that he will never come back, but you know that he has 10 amazing years of good memories of his wife and family! Only an idiot can give up something like that!

I love thunderstorms too, but it sucks for our cookout! Okay okay, no more joking, but I want you to pull yourself up in a few minutes, 'kay? np

You poor thing, being pregnant and those hormones dont help....{{{{{{{NewPetals}}}}}}...You are gonna be okay!

You have so much support over here NP - take comfort in that. You can do this. No more contact with WH!

Awww, hugs, NP. It's sooo normal to feel this way.

Honestly though, the most difficult thing you'll likely have trouble getting over should he come back is the timing of his A. Right now the pregnancy hormones are in full force directing you to bond with your baby, toddler and H. A few months after baby is born you'll be in full protection mode.

Even if your H comes back and is repentant and the perfect spouse, you'll look at your baby, feel protective, and look at your husband as some type of alien. The timing of A's during pregnancy and post-partum make a mom question if she can entrust the care of her child to her husband as a parent.
It's so damn sick and twisted.

As wives we can take the personal betrayal. But to think that our husbands could do this at a most sensitive time, when we needed love and support as the mother of his helpless baby (born or unborn), it just boggles the post-partum mind. Our post-partum brains process it as a betrayal of our baby(ies) as well as of ourselves.

I'm glad that you are doing Plan B. While there is still love in your bank currently, there will come a time after baby is born that his actions will be/have been a practical deal killer. I think it's better for you to go NC because it will be *less* for you to get over emotionally in the future, regardless of the outcome with the M.

As far as MIL, she seems a little off to want to stay out of it. Ummm, she has a lot to lose if you and her son go your separate ways. I can't believe she can stay at your place and not have a problem with his behavior. If that were my son, I'd have to be telling him to get his butt home where it belongs. Just saying.

Don't share too much with her. If her presence is a block to Plan B, then tell her to go stay at a motel.

As far as WH's belongings, rent a storage unit, pack his stuff, and have your brother or friend move it to the unit.

Call your atty so you can safely maneuver through a court documented separation. Get all agreements filed with the court, especially child support and child visitation. If you legally can, get a "no paramours" clause put in the agreement.
Often, US and Canadian courts will not allow COM around AP's while the parents are still M. They at least have common sense there...see if that's the case in your province.

See, your goal is to remove yourself as that delicious piece of tasty cake your husband enjoys. In doing a dark Plan B, OW will then have to meet all of your WH's ENs. You will be able to focus more on you and your life, without his insensitive intrusions in your daily business.

Also, you won't be available for OW to take a stand against. It won't be OW and WH against you anymore. He won't be able to complain to her about you. She won't be able to give him sympathy.

Her goal is to make a happy blended family. (This is to ease WH mind of the fear of losing his children to you.) If your province disallows contact with paramours, that is going to thwart her plans, at least while you're M, but separated from WH. It puts pressure on their fantasy. You want the pressure off of you and on OW. kwim?

Stay strong and use your IM. It's going to hurt worse early on. But you will get through. You've done great so far. ((((Hugs))))

NP, here is a thought that might help you keep a deep, dark Plan B:

When your WH can't see or contact you and when you don't respond to any effort he makes to communicate directly with you, his sense of entitlement will greatly upset him. Since he can't see or talk with you, who do you think is going to get the brunt of his frustration? Yep---WF!

She may be sympathetic to him at first...BUT, after a while, she will become annoyed at his anger and frustration over not being able to see or talk with you. She will start thinking, "WHY is he so upset over not seeing NP? If he loves me so much, he should be delighted that he no longer has to deal directly with her! Does he still have feelings for NP? Does he still love her?" She will get sick of hearing about NP, NP, NP! She will then, most likely, start lovebusting him. They will start fighting over YOU!

Hang tight! Stay pitch-dark, and YOU will start feeling better! It's the only way!

Wow, NP you have had a long, hard, draining, and exhausting afternoon.
Everything you are feeling is normal, the fears you have are normal; and its OK to feel those things, just stay dark.

You sound like me and my WH; we were best friends and turned to each other for everything - until POSOW stepped inappropriately in and then the alien came.
I still have the same fears; I secretly hoped that plan A and B would end the A and he would come running back and life would be great again.

I have read so many threads, read SAA, read the material and the newsletters here, received advice; but still never really accepted what Pln B was about until Mark posted this on my thread the other day - I will copy and paste for you to read. I also have to re-read it every day to remind myself what and why I am in Pln B.
I hope this helps...

Missy,

Plan B is not designed to do anything to end the affair. It is designed to let you learn to live again and survive until the affair ends.

And it will end in all probability...

95% of affairs implode all by themselves within two years.

So Plan B gives you time to get through withdrawal from him, learn to be a whole person again and salvage enough of what is left in his account in your Love Bank so that you don't hate him by the time that happens.

A dark Plan B sometimes hastens the demise of the affair by stopping the meeting of any ENs that you might be meeting for him. Usually an affair partner only is able to meet a portion of the ENs that a WS requires and unless the AP turns out to be one of those rare people who can adapt quite rapidly, the PEA rush wears off in a year or so and the incompatibility shows itself and Love Busting starts taking it's toll until the "relationship" simply dies a natural death.

Affairs end for the same reasons that they are possible. Two selfish, self absorbed, self-centered people seldom end up with a sustainable relationship. The reasons to have an affair are selfish reasons and the affair partners can't really provide what each other needs long term. Coupled with the fact that there is no history together, which at first draws them together, means that they really have not very much invested in each other or a relationship with each other. The less that is invested, the less likely it is that the relationship can last.

So that's the technical side of it...

Plan B is for YOU, Missy. It is so that YOU can have some sort of life that is not defined by his waywardness and the drama that follows from that. It gives YOU the chance to create some peace, some personal space and start to find some joy in life once more.

There is not a lot of point in trying to figure out what he is doing since none of it makes any sense anyway. If he was doing what made sense, he would be with you right now trying to show you how much you mean to him. The thing is, a wayward spouse only considers their own selfish desires which change like the winds... He is an addict, Missy. All that means anything to him at all is his next fix. He'll get it from you if you give it to him. If you cut him out of your life entirely, he will have to get everything from his AP. She's not nearly as equipped to provide that as you are so in time he will realize that.

Then the only question will be if you have enough love left for him to do the really hard work of recovery or if you will have decided that it is time to move on yourself without him. In a couple of years you can make a rational decision about that because it will give you enough time to stop reacting to the constant pain of his hurtful behavior.

Either way, if he returns or not, Plan B lets you become stronger, more sure of what you want and what you need and allows you to heal enough that you won't be deciding our of desperation.

Mark


{{{{{NP}}}}}

Thanks everyone. DD wanted to call him tonight to say goodnight. I dialled for her (had no intention of speaking or listening) but of course WH didn't pick up his phone. Whether he was doing that becuase of my PB letter or not, I have no idea. Could be just his selfishness as well.

I will stick to the Plan B. I was SO TEMPTED to call him earlier to talk about stuff but I held off. I miss him like crazy...and it's only been a few hours....

I hope you all are right about OW not being able to meet his needs. I provided lots of EN's for him, right until today, and physical needs as well. I guess I will never know though......I will work on just recovering and overcoming my addiction to WH myself.

My counsellor says it doesn't help to hate OW because it only gives her power over me and my emotions - and she doesn't know I'm hating her, it's only hurting me. I guess that's true. But I still hate her.

Anger is a very healthy reaction to OW. It's what you DO with the anger that determines if it is unhealthy or not. Stew for a while, you're entitled, but don't do it forever.

Day 2 of NC with WH begins. Sad. I had dreams about him all night long.

Ummm, I dont know how you could possibly NOT hate OW....The first few months I had the dreams a lot too, now just occasionally...It will get better, I promise.

Yep, dreams during Plan B, completely normal. As Neak told me on my thread, WH is dreaming about you too. Now when I have dreams of WH, it is usually that I am talking to him about what he needs to do to recover and I am getting mad at myself for breaking Plan B to talk to him. Isn't it funny how the mind works?

You can do this. You know it will get better. It's a withdrawal of your own that you are dealing with right now. There will come times when things will trigger you and you may start crying over nothing. I started crying one time at work, because someone was buying a pair of shorts and I thought, "WH would like these shorts." What a silly trigger but it was plainly because my thoughts had to adjust to him not being there anymore. I spend 18 years thinking about WH first. You'll get through it. We will all help you through this.

Block him before you're tempted - phone, email, everything. Change numbers and email if you have to. You don't need to know how many times he tries to get through.

Make the decision now instead of when you are right there, staring at the phone/unopened email/text, wavering. It's your own EP.

I already blocked his emails. I am still trying to figure out how to block his phone number - sure there's a way but I just got a new phone... Less tempted to call him or email him today. I feel like he's waiting for me to cave in and call like I always do, and then he can ignore me and have the upper hand. BUT - I am going to stay dark as night.

Chatted with my MIL about it last night. She is completely disgusted with his actions and says she is sorry she "hatched" such a person. She said she was going to send him a long email telling him exactly what she thinks of him and OW (who she wants to do bodily harm to and never wants to meet or see). It was nice that she was so supportive.....and at the same time I feel so sad because I know that no matter what, WH is only listening to himself right now.

And....I DO hate OW still. It will be a LONG time until I can stop hating her. If I ever see her she better run.