So have you hired this attorney you spoke to the morning? If not, you need to.

I have not been through this process yet, but am starting to prepare myself. Jim (jmwc95) and Helpforthelostdads give really good advice once things progress to plan D.

I can tell you this. DO NOT DISCUSS ANYTHING to do with the divorce terms with your WW without your lawyer present. The more she and her legal team go into it without a clue what you will be demanding, the less prepared they will be for it.

You hired a lawyer for:

1) his knowledge of the law
2) his ability to negotiate effectively and persuade
3) his emotional detachment from the situation

Frankly, you suck at the three above, just as I do and most BS's.

Let him do his job and be the bad guy.

I know I know. Gosh, this does not get any easier. My daughter didn't make this bed. I didn't make this bed. I am weak right now...golly, this sucks beyond recognition.

One way - being difficult may bring her around back to us.
One way - being nice will grant me a divorce.
One way - fighting with her on anything won't get me closer to having my wife back.

All great schools of thought...they all are hard. I know only one is MB approved...but oh my...this is hard.

Hire the pit bull and then HE/SHE is the guy/gal that fights FOR YOU with extreme prejudice and vigor....you stand back and play for the most part keep quiet. Don't give the enemy any of your battle plans and when your attorney launches them you act as surprised as she is.

You say:::

"I told you I want nothing to do with this divorce. You filed and I hire an attorney to look out for me and my rights. That is ALL the direction I gave him and I told him I didn't want to be racking up phone calls and such "strategizing" because this ISN'T my wish or game. So he's off on his own. I'm as surprised as you he's being so aggressive. I guess that's just the way things are handled. I suppose amicable divorces are a pipe dream. Maybe I'll give him a call tomorrow and tell him to chillax a bit"

Then you walk away smelling like a rose. Your wife threw the first legal punch and you hit back but did so acting as though you are beyond it and have nothing to do with it.

The next day...if you are questioned you say:

"Yeah, I talked to him and he told me to trust him and stay out of it. I'm sorry he's being so difficult."


This is important...enabling this divorce will do nothing but get you divorced. Your best bet to save your family AND protect your legal rights in the event you can't save your marriage is to fight SMARTLY. Also...in a legal proceeding, you'll get to use discovery to question and get answers from your WW about her affair and you may even get to demand a deposition of the OM (putting pressure on him as you still are more likely to beat the affair by getting OM to end it with your wife than your wife ending it with OM). IF you end up divorced...this is an important step to forever document the infidelity so that she can't rewrite your marital history to your young child in the future (which she will unless you document the events as they unfold).

It is incredibly difficult to make a decision yourself as to when to "give up". I don't suggest it. You are the only one willing and capable of saving your family right now so once you do "give up" that's it. I think you should fight for your marriage with all you've got. However, with an initial all-out legal assualt and the prospects of a long drawn out & expensive custody and legal dispute, your wayward wife MAY be on the ropes whereupon you can exact a VERY favorable settlement. She is VERY motivated to end the marriage quickly and quietly. She wants to ride off into the sunset with OM, like tomorrow. She's delusional. That said, once you follow through with a vigorous defense and shock her a bit...you MAY end up with her on the ropes BEGGING for a very favorable arrangement (money and custody). Again...I think getting your family back is worth risk of losing in court later, but that's me (and I never had to deal with a divorce filing either). But even that decision day is NOT TODAY...TODAY...you fight.

Mr. Wondering

You're doing good! Hang in there.


Or think of it this way: the less contact she has (for whatever reason), the better chances you have with your Plan A.


Not "being" difficult...
Making *divorce* difficult may bring her around back to you.

Not being doormat nice... Being a great H, the best choice, doing an awesome Plan A may bring her around back to you.

Not fighting with her... fighting FOR her, FOR your daughter, and FOR your marriage.

You want to separate the two things on your mind - one is being the perfect Plan-A husband, and the other is fighting the divorce. Doing one thing does not exclude doing the other. Being "nice" in Plan A doesn't prevent you fighting the divorce. Being "nice" and NOT fighting the divorce is NOT part of Plan A.

If your counter-filing serves to delay her D and protect the rights of you and your DD, then do so. NOTHING in Plan A says you are to just hand the WS an uncontested divorce.

Being a "nice" husband is not the same thing as being a "nice" ex-husband-to-be.

Be a stellar Plan A husband. Be a mean-and-nasty X2B.

Show her your loving side in person. Let your bulldog lawyer show her lawyer what a b**** it would be to be divorced.

What happened from the exposure? Was there fall-out? Do you have a keylogger/VAR/etc? Are you collecting data and giving it to your bulldog lawyer? Do you have a bulldog lawyer yet?

Igrip,

I�m truly sorry that your WW has filed for divorce and I know you are hurting and confused now more than you ever thought was possible. Been there too, my friend. The bad news is that she has taken yet another step against her marriage and FOR her OM. The good news is that many marriages have been recovered even after a spouse files and reconciled even after a divorce is legally completed. The advice you have received lately is spot on and I agree wholeheartedly with what folks like Melody & Mr. Wondering & others have said. A few points of reinforcement (and hopefully encouragement):

1. As awful and devastated as you feel, you are NOT alone. As crazy as this all seems and feels right now, there is NOTHING unique or �different� about your situation. You are dealing currently with a classic, emotionally-addicted, fogged-up, stubborn, self-entitled, driven-to-�follow-her-feelings� WW. All her words and actions are TEXTBOOK. I know that is cold comfort�

2. Divorce feels �inevitable� to you. She seems �determined�. I guarantee you that it is NOT inevitable and her current determination (while real at present) is not necessarily unchangeable (see my discussion of �feelings� below). Strong action is needed here to maximize your odds and you have been correctly advised what to do: Plan A your butt off to her directly while being savagely tough in uncooperatively stalling & hammering her with a possible divorce's negative ramifications indirectly via your lawyer. Your goal here is to show her A) the kind of husband/father she wouldn�t want to lose & B) how a legal divorce is going to involve tremendous cost and pain for her. I mean more than just money, but also loss of parenting time, broken families, and tremendous embarrassment to her when all her dirt with OM is laid out in open court and depositions. Bringing the sordid nature of affairs to light for all to see tends to degrade the feel-good fantasy that WS's have in their twisted mentality.

3. DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE OR LET HER TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER AWAY EITHER.

4. DO NOT FALL FOR THE SIREN SONG OF �LET�S JUST DO THIS QUICKLY AND AMICABLY�. I got those lines verbatim from my WW & her attorney too. Don�t fall for it. The only reasons a WW is so adamant about �being fast and friendly� in a divorce is that she is A) in a rush to get serious with her lover & B) she is trying to bamboozle you into not shaming her by �making a scene� over her dirt. DON�T LET HER SUCKER YOU!

5. Hire a BULLDOG ATTORNEY IMMEDIATELY who is experienced representing MEN & FATHERS in divorce. Don�t get some pansy-a$$.

6. �WW�s Feelings�: Igrip, her feelings right now are indeed ACCURATE & TRUE IN HER OWN HEAD. In her mind currently, she doesn�t have much in the way of �warm & fuzzy, ga-ga, head-over-heels� feelings for you and she DOES have those feelings for OM. Here�s how WSs�especially WWs�misinterpret �in-love feelings�: There are 2 big mistaken and false assumptions that they make.

Firstly, the WW believes that the ABSENCE of positive romantic emotions she currently has for her BH is permanent, unrecoverable, �unfixable�, and �too little, too late� to do anything positive about. This is simply NOT TRUE.

Secondly, the WW believes that the PRESENCE of those powerful feelings she currently has for her lover is permanent, �special�, �unique�, �meant-to-be�, and unalterable. This is likewise completely UNTRUE.

�Men tend to attach too little significance to affairs, ignoring their horrifying power to disorient and disrupt lives, while women tend to attach too much significance, assuming that the emotions are so powerful they must be "real" and therefore concrete, permanent, and stable enough to risk a life for.� --Dr. Frank Pittman, Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy

Human emotions can be VERY powerful. And the �in love� feeling is the most powerful emotion a human can experience. Very few people in that state can see (OR WANT TO SEE) that feelings are usually TEMPORARY, MALLEABLE, AND DEPENDENT UPON PRECEEDING ACTIONS & ATTITUDES. Women, as a general rule, are biologically more highly emotionally-driven than men are. A WW �in love� (i.e. emotionally-addicted) is highly motivated to interpret her feelings discussed above as: �I don�t love my husband and I do love my OM, so I must follow my heart because my marriage is not meant-to-be and my affair-partner & I are soulmates and he is my �true� love��

It sucks, but usually a WW in this state will chase and indulge those fantasy emotions despite the risks, sacrifices, betrayal and selling-out that are required to do so. They will resist virtually any attempt by anyone to logically or morally �talk them out of it�. [My then-WW actually wrote me this: �you don�t understand, SD�one cannot force a feeling. I can�t help the fact that I love someone else instead of you.�] Try convincing someone�anyone �in love��that his/her feelings at that point may not be in their long-term best interests if you don�t believe me how powerfully illogical and motivating these emotions can be.

Your goals must be to IMPROVE her feelings toward you while DEGRADING her fantasy feelings for the OM. You do the former (and I understand how difficult it is when she�s closed-off to you) via the carrot of Plan A. Be the best father you can be and be a STRONG and SELF-CONFIDENT man towards her. ACTIONS, NOT WORDS. You do the latter via the stick of Plan A�exposure and (now primarily via your attorney) raising the �cost� of her affair as high as possible.

You have done an excellent job of carrot-ing her thus far--continue it. While you are doing that, do ALL YOU CAN indirectly, �behind-the-scenes� to throw every possible obstacle, roadblock, and discomfiture into her relationship with OM. You have heard good suggestions how a shark attorney can help you fight in this way.

Prayers for you and keep fighting,
SD

Hi igrip,

Have read your posts and I really feel for you and your situation. You will have my prayers. I am age 67, but I can put myself in your situation at your age if this happened to me.

First igrip, you have to realize that women in general want to be directed and feel protected. The One thing they fear is the unknown in a situation like this.

After 41 years of marriage I can tell you that you best follow Jim's advice and hire and consult with an attorney, and to at least inititate a Plan B. That is exactly what I would do.

In your situation I believe that you are seeking some solid
indications from your wife either way. I think I'm going to be clobbered here by some of those here, but so what.

The Plan B will convey to her that you are serious in your love for her, but that plan will convey to her that you are not about to sacrifice the rest of your life waiting for her to make her decsion, and that you are not about to compromise your principles

Just my view and you will have my prayers tonight and good luck.

Tom

Darn I am so confused. I hear what everyone is saying here.

Today, my wife tells me that I can keep all our rental properties. No 50/50 anything..just if I sell them one day, give the half for our daughter. Fair enough. She will take less child support if I continue the house note and one day, when we sell the house, we can just split that then. She wants this easy, not ugly and wants to be friends with me. She was crying when talking to me which is the first conversation and show of emotion. Says her lawyer would tell her this was stupid, but it is her decision. We have not done the numbers yet but as far as divorce goes, seems pretty fair.

She said she wants to be my friend...just not my husband. Even before the OM was in her life...she 'wowed' him back when they met in 2001 and she thought he was something.

I was happy to be talking to her.

I am still sad.

Yes, I can take this and make a heck of a court case appearance. BUT, she will hate me I think. I will spend tons of $$, lose some of my assets perhaps....I just don't know. This part does not make sense to me at all. How can I be a 'jerk' or have my lawyer be a jerk and she 'come' back to me?

Tonight, it is raining hard. I cannot fathom the thought of being away from my wife and daughter during this type of weather...I feel secure being here for them, and I would think they feel secure knowing I am here.

She really misses this OM. I can see it. She admits it. She has the 'flutters' for him when she sees/talks to him. Yes, makes me sick, but I am glad she opened up and told me. She will not talk to him because she is scared of what I may do (court/trial/etc). If I push it, she will counter me with 'emotional abuse' because she feels that is what I was. I really don't have the spare cash for all of this.....an amicable split with most of my assets intact sounds better. Actually, having my family back sounds the best, but that is not so easy.

Someone explain this to me.....still sucks. I'm still sad. I don't know what to do. No guarantees with anything I know..I just don't feel the 'jerk' thing naturally.

igrip, I would not be a "jerk;" that is not what we are telling you to do. We are telling you to fight for your marriage. If you cooperate with someone whose goal is to destroy your marriage, you will end up with a destroyed marriage. Is that what you want?

Appeasement of a tyrant who is high on the addiction of an affair will gain you nothing but a destroyed marriage.

She wants to be your "friend" so you won't scream too loud while she screws you over to be with her adutelry partner. That is all that is about.


Is it fair for you to move out and pay the mortgage while the OM takes your place as husband and daddy? Because that is what you are stupidly agreeing to. Do you want to pay the mortgage on a home where the OM lives?

Instead just tell her you are going for possession of the house and primary custody of your daughter. Let her know you have the legal advantage because of adultery. And then politely add that you don't want to talk about that, you will let the attorneys hammer all that in court. Thank you for your offer, though!

You had better buck up here, igrip, because if you think you are going to gain anything except a divorce while you pay the mortgage on a house where the OM replaces you, then you are in for a few years of holy unmitigated hell. You need to listen to us. We have not led you wrong yet. You DO NOT have good instincts about this.

She wants it to be easy to screw you over and is hoping you will be her "friend" and not scream too loud while she sticks the knife in.

I guarantee you this is the plan: to REPLACE YOU.

Please listen to what these posters are telling you. She only wants to be your "friend" so she can destroy your family and feel good about it. "See? We're still friends! I must not have hurt him if he's still willing to be my friend!"

Here is a link to an MB thread that might show you what you can expect. It's called "The Fantasy of Divorce".

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2275600#Post2275600

Bottom line: As long as you refuse to fight for your wife and children but will meekly stand by while another man moves in on them, you WILL lose them and NONE of them will be your "friend". Even your children will not respect a so-called father who wouldn't lift a finger to keep them and just sat there and let another man move into their lives so their mother wouldn't be too mad at him.

Melody, as much as I honestly respect and like you, please back off from igrip now for a moment and let me tell him something. Melody I can remember a few stormy rainy nights back in 1979 when my wife was gone and hospitalized in NC where here parents lived then. I was under duress then of her parents and C blaming me, as well as her psychiatrist. Do you know how I felt then? I felt to blame and worthless.

Igrip, I post to you about this because I can relate how my wife's psychotic episode then seems so similar to if she would have been in an affair. She was detached from me and that made me feel worthless and also frozen in inaction. It was not my fault but I felt it was. I can remember some saturdays when I would just mow the lawn and do the necessary chores, and then pine for her, get myself down and then ya drink. That was because I felt alone.

The thing that changed it was my boss and a good friend of mine who just saw in my face what I was going through and confronted me. I had not opened up to my family so I did not have support there, and of course her family still blamed me. You have to understand that back then a breakdown was a 'blame' situation - that the husband must be to blame. My boss and friend got me to open up to them and gradually they helped me get my sense of worth back.

I say this to you because at this time I feel you need to really get to the people in your life you trust and to allow them to help you through this.

You may succeed or you may fail in saving your marriage igrip, but now is the time for You to begin to heal and feel yourself.

Thanks,

Tom

Tom, I think you make sense. If you would PM me or email me, I would like to hear what you have to say further.

Tonight, my wife and I had another 'actual' conversation. Yes, I know nothing I can do can guarantee anything....and I do feel she is 'checked' out. But I am going crazy inside looking for any little clue or sign of progress.....

The fact that we talked, I listened and did not argue with her made me feel like it was progress. She still does not 'console' me because 'she did this' and does not know what to do. I feel sad about that because my wife used to be my prime 'one in my life' that I could come to. My feelings go so up and down during the day that I do need to heal myself from all this so your words struck a chord with me. Thank you all...

igrip, people have recovered their marriages before from the brink of divorce, even after their spouses swore up and down that it was over.

It is good that she's being forced to not contact the OM. She will go through a process of missing him. That doesn't mean all hope is lost. It's part of the process. Hang in there.


This is a very common thing for WS's to say. A good answer is: "I love you, as my wife. It would be for too painful for me to try to pretend that we could be just friends. If you leave me for the OM, I have to be honest and say I will NOT be able to be friends."

Another thing people often say is "I don't talk divorce. I only talk marriage (or recovering our marriage, or restoring our love)."

This doesn't contradict actions like your counter-filing. You do that in order to fight the divorce, and in order to protect the rights of your family (including your DD).

Again... it is possible to let her know in a loving way that you do NOT agree with divorce, that you love her and are fighting to restore the marriage because you love her and your DD, that you will NOT go along with an easy pleasant divorce, and that you can NOT agree to be "just friends".

Plan A.

If she proceeds to pursue divorce, at some point you will go to Plan B. Plan B is NOT being friends. Plan B is having NO CONTACT. That is to preserve your mental health. You will be better off. A side effect may very well be that she will miss you. This is most effective if you do a STELLAR PLAN A.

We aren't asking you to do this forever. Just a little while. Long enough to show her what a great husband she's losing. For as long as you can, but not a minute longer. Only you can say when.

And then you will write her a love letter, telling her how much you love her, what you want your marriage to be, that you think that is possible, but not while she is seeing OM. You say that it is too painful for you to stay in contact with her while she is destroying your family. You tell her that all communication will go through your lawyer or intermediary. You spell out the terms under which you'd be willing to renew communication with her.

You have one last stellar Plan-A interaction with her, then you hand her the letter and walk away.

At that point your recovery will begin in ernest. You will start to feel much stronger and much better soon after. No matter whether or not she comes back to you, you will be a much better person.

This plan offers you hope. Tremendous hope. You WILL be ok. You CAN do this.

Plan A is not forever.

And it is NOT followed by friendship. Don't worry my friend, you do NOT have to suffer through pretending to be friends with her while your heart is being ripped out.

Do you think you can hang on in Plan A a little longer, knowing that it isn't forever? Knowing that there is a well-defined Plan B, that will protect you from being hurt as much as possible?

We, for the last two days, have had good conversation overall. I am being and showing how I am the best husband I can be.

She is 'considering' firing her bulldog attorney and just doing 'paperwork' and agreements ourselves. She is scared that this can get ugly, mainly for the good of our daughter. I don't delve into that subject...I just nod my head and make her feel heard and her opinions appreciated.

She is not talking to the guy (she says), but she really misses him I can see.

I hate that she has 'started' the paperwork for divorce because that gives me just over 2 months ... like a ticking time bomb. I am doing Plan A as best as I can......I'm worried deep inside, but still optimistic as i can be. If nothing else, I feel as if I am doing all I can be doing that if divorce does happen, I have tried my best.

I still cannot fathom the OM in my wife or daughters life...and she knows how I feel about that subject. Everything can be amicable..except for him. Ever.

Keep me on the right track...I really want this still. I had a dream last night that everything was back to normal..and I was smiling. Then I woke up

I have begun prayer every evening..never have done that before in my life, but at this time, it is comforting to me.

She's about as close to firing her "pitbull" attorney as I am to being Pope (I'm not even Catholic).

This kindness and coversation she is showing you is manipulation...to get you to go along with HER plan to divorce you and destroy her family peacefully.

Pretty straightforward. You have 3 choices:

1. Decide to divorce today and take the best deal you can guaranteeing you maximum time with your daughter and a favorable financial settlement. If you take this route you might as well stop trying to win your wife back as it's not going to happen. Sure...she may come crawling back someday...months down the road...particularly after her affair dies and she sees or hears about you dating someone else but you aren't likely to save it this year.

2. Decide to delay any decision. This plan requires you to hire and attorney and file an aggressive response just to protect your rights. You can always decide to divorce and compromise later but it will be easier to do from a position of strength. You are likely (but not guaranteed) to get pretty much the same settlement (or even a better one) down the road. You'll have fully documented her infidelity for all to see, particularly, your young children. As the case proceeds your attorney should be advised to do all he can to delay the proceedings. Discovery alone can take months. This delay will give you TIME to decide what to do and when to do it.

3. Keep doing your Plan A but fight vigorously for FULL CUSTODY of your child. Hire a pitbull and unleash HIM/HER with abandon and extreme prejudice. Don't file nicely, don't talk settlement and take it all the way to court after months of delays and legal tussles. Sure it's expensive. But if you can pull off the nice Plan A guy routine at home while giving no indication you intend to back off you'll be putting maximum pressure on the affair. This is the most effective way to save your marriage. It's risky. You may LOSE in court and become a every other weekend and wednesday night dad having to pay lots of child support. You may lose in the property settlement too. But with those risks, the rewards of a restored family ARE, IMO, worth it. (I think sometimes if and when the fog clears and your WW and/or OM see what all you are risking to save your family delivers the message of how serious you are about it/her. Nothing says "I love you and our family" quite like gambling/risking your custodial rights and financial well-being)

The question is: What's your wife/family worth to you?

Mr. Wondering

Wow, plan 3 seems tough. You do make sense though.

Drawing this stuff out makes sense too....she sees the nice me at home every day and the fight to keep my family intact. Perhaps by that time, the OM 'goes away.'

Perfect sense. I think.

So, to add another question, she 'claims' she was 'done' with me before he was even in the picture, romance-wise anyway. Total bullcrap? I believe she was upset at times. I believe I was frustrating at times. BUT, and here is the big BUT, she always slept in our bed. She always kissed or let me kiss her. Even two days before her affair started, she initiated love twice..once in bed and once just 'waking' me up naked. Too much info I know, but still, info that I cannot fathom was true if she was really 'done' a long time ago.

I believe she thinks she has feelings for this guy.

I believe she thinks we were through before.

This guy, however, gave her the power to leave. I think I would feel better too if I had a shoulder to cry on and someone 'waiting' for this divorce to be over. I think anyone would.

I AM reading this correctly right?

Hey Igrip

It's been a few years now since I had my own "situation" where I discovered MB and the good people here. I stayed away for some time, but have occasionally lurked around just trying to continue my personal growth. Your thread struck a chord with me...your WW seems to have stolen the pages from my EX-WW's playbook. Isn't it funny how that works?

Don't you find it interesting how the two of you are now having good conversation? Like your WW, my ex had the D papers hanging around for some time. She was convinced that the D was what she wanted....our M had been over for years, she wasn't in love, blah blah blah. "Let's just get this over, and get on with being friends and raising our daughter. There's no point in dragging all of our business through the mud."

It sure seemed logical at the time. After all, I thought I was Plan A-ing my butt off, and any little tid-bit that seemed like "real" conversation and some sort of connection was progress. She just about had me convinced that life post D wasn't going to be all that different than our marriage...we would be pals, best friends, and working as a team raising our daughter. She would "let" me see my daughter whenever I wanted.

Thankfully, I had already been on these message boards for some time, and the good people here saw through my fog and her fog...they batted me around a little, showed me the light. When the topic of D came up....I dug my heels in. Sure, I was still plan A-ing, but I made her aware that she wasn't going to dictate the terms. If she wanted a D, then she was going to have to do all the heavy lifting, and I went out and hired an attorney that made that heavy lifting pretty expensive and very difficult. When it became apparent to her that things weren't just going to be on her plan and her time frame, the notion of all of that great post-D relationship went right out the window. I goofed up her plan with my stubborn ways.
There was no plan for and there is no such thing as an amicable D.

In the end, I did wind up in Plan D, but know, and this is very important...I ultimately chose Plan D as a direction for me to get out from under the emotional abuse this woman inflicted on me, and to protect my daughter from someone I viewed as making very dangerous and irrational decisions (and there were many). I stayed in the house, have a very favorable custody arrangement...I have my daughter the majority of the time, and wound up on the other side of my D ok. This only happened for me because of the advice that I received here. Had I continued with my own plan, I just would have continued to have "good" talks and nodded my head, while I hoped she changed her mind, and she systematically dismantled my life, and my relationship with my daughter to accommodate her selfish motivations.

Only you know how much you are willing to live with. Fight for your marriage, but make sure you are fighting for you and your child also. The posters here are giving you great advice. One of the best pieces of advice I received here was simply one line: What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Very good advice HG...

So Igrip...

Before we can really offer more advice we need to know which of the three plans I laid out above do you want to take RIGHT NOW.

Pick one. Your choice. Like I said...there are benefits and risks to all three plans that ultimately effect YOU and not us....but it IS decision time.

Mr. Wondering

I am not an expert, but I have lived through this and read and talked with many experts on the board. Here is my take:


I know you have been told several times that she is re-writing history. I heard the same thing. I think you feel like I did. There were legitimate reasons she was unsatisfied. But what she sees looking back know is a distillation of all the bad with all the good purposely blocked from her mind.


Make no mistake. She does not think she has feelings for this guy. She has feelings for this guy. Feelings are real. Don't fool yourself into thinking they are just a mood swing or an infatuation.

What you have to realize is that they are not going away if he is in the picture at all. But they will go away if he is out of the picture. But it takes time, months sometimes.



I am going to be honest with you here. My situation was a lot like yours. My marriage was in far worse shape than I let myself see, before OM relationship developed. I exposed and put enough pressure on the rat that I believe I ended the affair. To boot, from all I have ever seen and snooped out, the affair wasn't even physical. The feeling and emotions were real and deep however. My wife filed. I ended up having to leave my house. I should have fought harder to stay. I delayed, I went to plan B. I got emotionally healthier. I detached and saw some light at the end of the tunnel. The D process continued and was final the first part of April.

You have a young child. Do everything you can to stay at home. Delay and fight the D. Her withdrawal could take a long time, even under the best of circumstances, which are not what you are in. Your marriage could be like mine was and your wife may not want to make the effort. But she can also finally see through the fog and you can be there and be the husband you could and should have been before. I think I would have been. It is very hard to Plan A with any success if you are apart. Do not forget Plan B to save your health and sanity.

Like many have said, and I proved, there are no guarantees. I know when I first started following the advice here, I felt like finally I was going to make it. It is easy to get giddy and feel like it is just a matter of time. But, I am not going to call it a longshot, but it is a long road that will have many ups and downs and is not for the faint of heart. The outcome is uncertain. But you can use this to become a better man, a good father, and hopefully a good husband.

I will be thinking throughout the night as to my next plan.

Today at home, she basically said not one word to me. Her mind was 'racing' but would not tell me where it was. She wasn't upset looking, just wasn't 'there' all day.

So, I just enjoyed the time with my daughter and continued to be a nice husband, albeit a quiet one.

I know this advice all makes sense...I just need to let it sink in. This sucks so bad. My emotions are a wreck, but this helps my plan a bit. I wish it were over (in a good way) already

Will keep updated in the next day or so...Thank you all.