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#2376405 05/19/10 08:03 PM
Joined: May 2010
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MLG8878 Offline OP
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I really have no idea where to start because it seems I have so much to talk about. I will probably make a mess of this post but I truly desire some help. About 5 years ago my husband starting being way to close with my best friend. We had our problems and I feel like I sat back and let it happen. I knew he was spending too much time with her and at the time it seemed easier. I felt like his emotional needs were finally being met, and even if it wasn't by me, at least he was happy. I was really naive and believed it was all just emotional but after I seen that it was getting physical I told both of them that it had went way too far and it needed to stop. As far as I know they never had intercourse but they did do some touching. It was very emotional though. My friend said she agreed and felt like that God had already slapped her in the face with the same thing. We both tried to tell my husband that their relationship was inappropriate and he didn't want to hear it. He said he didn't feel like there was anything wrong with it. Anyway I cut off my relationship with my friend in hopes that he would do the same thing to try to move on.I let it go for a long time and kept allowing him to talk to her on the phone and he would even go over there if she said she needed his help. I really do believe that their intimate relationship is gone now. I remember very clearly when he went through the withdrawal symptoms Dr. Harley talks about. It was a long and painful time for both of us. He says now that they are strictly friends and he wants it to always stay that way. I've tried to explain to him and even ready to him Dr. Harley's advice on never seeing or talking to your ex lover again for the rest of your life. He says that there's no sense in that because he is over her and doesn't want that kind of relationship with her...he just wants a friend. What do I do now. I believe that is true but I also know how easy it would be for him to slip up. I don't at all think it is right for him to keep her as a friend but what do I do?

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MLG,

I'm no expert and I'm sure some others will respond shortly. It sure seems to me like your H has no respect for you or your marriage. You need to enforce this boundary. There is no justifyable reason for married people to continue friendships with those of the opposite sex- especially when one of them has made it clear that it is not acceptable.

If he wants a friend- that is you. Or other guy friends. I think you need to let him know that it hurts you to know that he wants to continue their 'friendship'. As long as she is around, she is meeting some of his ENs, such as conversation and possibly admiration.

Some vets should give you some solid guidance soon. Sorry you are here, but you are in the best place you can be to help your marriage!!


-SOL
_SOL #2376411 05/19/10 08:22 PM
Joined: May 2010
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Welcome,

It sounds to me that he is still in the A with the OW sorry to say, but when I was having an EA with a friend we have known for 5 years, that's exactly what I had said to, and guess what? It was all LIES! I knew what we were doing and talking about. If he is going over to her house? THAT IS A BIG NO NO!

The first thing you need to do is check his emails, facebook, and texts and get all the evidence you can get. Make a surprise visit when he is over there.

If he wont end the A, you have to expose the A if you want to save your marriage.

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MLG8878 Offline OP
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I agree with both of you on certain parts. I wish I had the words to explain my husband. He tends to lean towards being codependent. From what I have read, codependents tend to find relationships where they are needed in someway and find themselves being addicted to that relationship. I think that was what started the whole thing. They definately met each other's ENs. Since the affair has been "over" he has cut way back on seeing her as far as I know. I know that to be true because we work together 24/7. But since that time he has found himself in another bad relationship. He has became friends with a guy that is more codependent than my H. It is really became a hardship on our marriage too. But since they are both codependent they are each getting something out of the relationship. My H says that he feels completely smothered by this guy. Another thing about him is he is very cowardly. I dont mean that bad but I just don't have any other way of explaining it. He doesn't ever seem to face a problem directly. He says he keeps waiting for God to fix it but in my opinion God will lead you but you have to do the work. You can't just wait around doing nothing thinking that it will all be resolved itself. He says he feels like God brought this guy into our family for a reason so he can't just tell him to get out. I understand that but I also see that there has to be boundaries. He has put this friend at the top of his priority list and whatever the friend wants him to do, he does. We have absolutely no family time. This friend gets his feelings hurt over every detail of everything my H does. Things you couldn't even fathom getting your feelings hurt over. My H is very sensitive to this kind of thing. He doesn't like to think he ever hurts anybody. (sometimes I wonder about that though...bc it doesn't seem to bother him to hurt me). Anyway there's no way I could explain to you guys the depth of this problem....it goes deep! I say all of this to say that my H says that I am so behind on everything that there is no way I can ever catch up. He says he is so over her and all he can think about is focusing on this "bigger" problem. He says he thinks about this constantly and is always a bundle of nerves thinking about his next move and how it will hurt this guys feelings. He has talked with him on several occasions and the friend is well aware of how it hurts my H, but he says he doesn't know how to stop it. I have given him advice several times but he doesn't try any of it. He keeps trying to please this friend but it always seems to bite him in the end. He doesn't want me to bring up the ex lover because he says I'm just bringing up the past and I just keep stressing him out more on top of his current problem. Seems like he makes me feel guilty for ever explaining to him what I need him to do for me. I know this probably doesn't even make sense but it all seems so overwhelming that I cant explain it like I think it. Thanks for your help and any advice is appreciated.


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