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OP
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A year and a half ago my wife had an emotional affair.
After a year of a lot of mutual personal growth, I thought we we were out of the woods.
In the last 2 months my wife has started an affair again with [what I believe is a fantasy] of the dream of the perfect relationship [I believe with her personal coach--I trust him 100%]. She has told others than when she thinks of me as a man, she feels sad. She has told others she knows she is chasing a fantasy, but that is what her instinct is telling her to do: to leave so she can chose love, newness, and fun. She has also said that she know it would probably not work long term, but it might be worth it for one year of bliss.
I am a fantastic husband in all respects...my fault might have been doing too much and being too serious. I am very sad of being in the situation of feeling that I constantly have to prove myself.
However, I am tired and she is looking less and less attractive to me--now I am starting to think of divorce. I want to not be the consolation prize. I am very scared of each of us finding more and more wrong with each other. I thought it would go away on its own, but I feel it poisoning the well more and more every day.
How do I stop the merry go round? Any advice for someone that is pretty naive?
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Well, have you tried any counseling?
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In the last 2 months my wife has started an affair again with [what I believe is a fantasy] of the dream of the perfect relationship [I believe with her personal coach--I trust him 100%]. Steve, I don't understand what this means. Is she having an affair and with whom? Is he married?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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A year and a half ago my wife had an emotional affair.
After a year of a lot of mutual personal growth, I thought we we were out of the woods.
In the last 2 months my wife has started an affair again with [what I believe is a fantasy] of the dream of the perfect relationship [I believe with her personal coach--I trust him 100%]. She has told others than when she thinks of me as a man, she feels sad. She has told others she knows she is chasing a fantasy, but that is what her instinct is telling her to do: to leave so she can chose love, newness, and fun. She has also said that she know it would probably not work long term, but it might be worth it for one year of bliss.
I am a fantastic husband in all respects...my fault might have been doing too much and being too serious. I am very sad of being in the situation of feeling that I constantly have to prove myself.
However, I am tired and she is looking less and less attractive to me--now I am starting to think of divorce. I want to not be the consolation prize. I am very scared of each of us finding more and more wrong with each other. I thought it would go away on its own, but I feel it poisoning the well more and more every day.
How do I stop the merry go round? Any advice for someone that is pretty naive? SVE Sorry you find yourself here but Welcome to Marriage Builders. All this A stuff does wear a person down from time to time but you have hit the jackpot of support from people who know where your at. I do not know how much reading you have done here but it really helps all of us. Also a little more about your situation would be helpful. How long Md? Your ages? Children/ages? First M and so forth. Here is an excellant thread. By reading and posting your questions we can help you to get started with whatever direction you want to go in your M. Thread to help newly betrayed spouses Again welcome. I am sorry you find yourself here. Nesre
Last edited by nesre; 05/19/10 06:47 PM. Reason: wrong thread
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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OP
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Thanks...I know my case seems very different
H 47 BS
W 46 EA with old college friend
married 17 years
3 kids (15, 14, 11)
D Day Dec 2008 e-mails
We have been going though counseling now I believe she has developed feelings for the male counselor. I have talked to the male counselor about his and I 100% trust him. I guess we are waiting for her to realize that she can only find happiness within.
My confusion is to confront her about her fantasy or let the fantasy slowly put us into a negative spiral where each of us find things wrong with each other.
Obviously she is still looking on the outside...this is the second male she has been interested in in the last year...won't there be another one around the corner? Isn't better for her to have a fantasy about someone that is [probably] safe?
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We have been going though counseling now I believe she has developed feelings for the male counselor. I have talked to the male counselor about his and I 100% trust him. I guess we are waiting for her to realize that she can only find happiness within. If she has feelings for the counselor then it is not appropriate to retain him. He knows this. I still don't understand what is going on. CAn you be more specific?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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is she a stay at home mom?
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It sounds to me that she is LOOKING for another man, because she is unhappy where she is at. But I am just guessing because we still need more info.
If she has feelings for another man already and its the counselor, get a female counselor. He would understand, especially if you have told him about it. But really, it sounds like your wife doesn't want to save the marriage if she is looking for another man to be with, and a counselor wont help if she is in that mind set.
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Sve From your original post In the last 2 months my wife has started an affair again with [what I believe is a fantasy] of the dream of the perfect relationship [I believe with her personal coach--I trust him 100%]. She has told others than when she thinks of me as a man, she feels sad. She has told others she knows she is chasing a fantasy, but that is what her instinct is telling her to do: to leave so she can chose love, newness, and fun. She has also said that she know it would probably not work long term, but it might be worth it for one year of bliss. From your last post We have been going though counseling now I believe she has developed feelings for the male counselor. I have talked to the male counselor about his and I 100% trust him. I guess we are waiting for her to realize that she can only find happiness within. Could you clarify this? Is it Wifes personal coach or is it someone you BOTH see together? Nesre
M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011
Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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SteveVe,
I agree with what others have said about changing counselors. Even if you would go with a female counselor the problem will still be there. I just don't understand how a counselor who is there to help a couple or person has not stopped the sessions. With them being a professional you would think that they would pick-up on your wife's feeling towards them and end the counseling. Wish you the best SteveVe and don't let go.
CM
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In the last 2 months my wife has started an affair again with [what I believe is a fantasy] of the dream of the perfect relationship [I believe with her personal coach--I trust him 100%]. I still have no idea what the problem is here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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