First off, I'm not new, though the lack of postings here says so... just know that I have been here for a bit and have gotten great advice so far.

I don't want to move to the in recovery board because I feel it is too soon and I am still surviving the A. We had a FR once and it really devastated me. I am terrified of going through another one.

I feel that this time is different than the FR, as he is showing sincerity, I have access to email accounts and phone at any time as he leaves his phone around, which is not normal for him probably close to 6 months or more. He has used OW's name in front of me and actually called it an A, which he didn't use last time. I don't know if he sent an actual NC letter, but I know she hasn't called or emailed in days since I've been with H almost constantly. As I said, he leaves his phone so it's away from him and doesn't bother to check right away if he hears a text coming in. He'd been trying to get away from her for a few weeks now. I had done both plan A for many weeks and spent about over a month in plan B working on me and no contact with H.

I guess I'm terrified nervous to make too many demands because I don't want to, well, sound to demanding, and don't want to drive him away. I don't know how to bring up things like POJA and well, all the MB concepts. I've kinda talked about them with him but haven't actually used the terms we use here, just a brief synopsis. He knows of the site's existance but would not be willing to post. He does not know I own SAA, HNHN, and LB's books.

I may have set the bar too low to take him back but I want to continue on this hopeful recovery. Thoughts?

(Please understand more specific details cannot be stated at this time.)

Hi and welcome to MB

You are setting the bar rather low, and walking on eggshells around your WH will not help either one of you.

I would suggest telling your WH that you want to call the Harleys for some phone counseling. Show him the main site - you don't have to go here to the bulleting boards - and explain that you want some professional help to make your marriage the very best, because you value it and don't want to lose it.

That way, you can have the professionals explain things to him and give you both things to work on and it's not just "your idea."

Even if WH refuses to do this - which would be a very big Red Flag - you can still call them yourself and have them give you a plan.

I will tell, you, though, that as long as you are "terrified" you will have no recovery at all. You're going to have to find your courage and not let your WH bully or frighten you with threats of leaving or divorce.

He can't love you if he doesn't respect you, and nobody respects a person who is terrified of them.

IMHO, you are accepting crumbs. Why DOESN'T he know about your books? He's either committed to recovery or he's not. Why DON'T you know if he sent a no-contact letter? How did it end? What caused him to come back? Have you read the materials on recovery?

As far as the phone, that's an easy work-around for a still-wayward... just buy a throw-away phone.

I agree, you've probably set the bar way too low.

Yeah, you're right, too low... unfortunately I didn't get to follow up with my original thread to get help...

Mulan - terrified wasn't probably the right word. I guess I want to believe, and know that I have to be very guarded, which is not my style.

How did it end: LB'ed... just as predicted. He'd been trying to leave for a few days and realized the only way to really end was to start talking to me, he needed my help, not just doing it himself... I'll take it, though again, low bar... No affair-phone, he'd be hard-pressed to hide it, we live in a pretty small apartment. As for no-contact letter, can't say for sure but I will ask him exactly tonight.

He's committed, and I know that anything I bring to the table will happen or else he's out. I won't agree to anything less. I won't be bullied. My way or not at all I think. No, I know.

I don't know why he doesn't know about my books - he's not a big self-help book person, and so I'm a bit wary, but you know what, I've made such drastic changes since the A started that it shouldn't matter. Again, more to bring to the table tonight.

We've been trying to follow the 15-20 hours of week of time together and we have a child so we try to get the time in when we can. Anyways, thank you all for your thoughts, I will start to raise my bar and make sure he works for our recovery. I'll add more later.

Well, the last couple of days have been pretty good. H has had some anxiety and such which makes him not feel well, but I think that is from leading the double life and having an alien inside and having outsiders interfere with our M. We're really working hard for the numerous hours together.

I do a lot of checking on him, and snooping around the apartment for something hidden, but nothing has turned up, which is great. He's rarely out of my sight in the apartment anyways. He makes sure to turn over his phone to me, because as he says "I don't want you to think that I'm calling or texting or emailing anyone." Good. His computer is in a common room too so I can monitor that.

We're on our way. We still need to talk more about the POJA and a few other recovery items but we've been occupied with work and such. I am bringing them all up this weekend. I'm also hoping to convince him to go on a MB weekend whenever the next one comes up; I think that would be a great thing for us. Anyone know when that is next?

Just wanted to give a bit of an update, have a great weekend!

Okay, now I see who you are!

CD, it sounds really encouraging. He's trying to be open and honest and that is a big step.

Did you call up the Harleys? I have an appointment set up for us on Monday, and I'm really looking forward to it! Maybe you can show him the books - you never know, I was never a "self help" kind of person either, but sometimes when huge life changing experiences happen, you need a step up.

NP - hi! glad you know who I am now!

Haven't called the Harleys, got to get a bit of $ saved up...

Today I asked H to delete the affair email addie... and he did with no complaints. That was something I meant to ask him to do earlier but forgot. I realize it is easy to create a new email, but just the fact he didn't claim he already deleted it, and then deleted it in front of me tells me something.

Still nervous about the books - I don't know why, I'm not ashamed of them, but... i just don't know. I shouldn't be afraid though. MB and Dr. Harley's books were a God-send!

Anyways, hope you all are having a wonderful weekend!

CD

Haven't posted in a few days... been busy making sure H and I are meeting our 15-20 hours of time together.

Things are progressing well. H is starting to voluntarily open up about the A more, without me asking. We've even been able to make a joke or two about it. He's still very embarrassed, but that's to be expected I guess. I don't ask too much, as I personally don't want to know too much more than I already know. I know some people need all the details; I do not. But I did tell H I reserve the right to ask questions and expect honest answers.

We spend a lot of time talking now. We never really did that before in our marriage. Talking about wants, feelings, etc. This has been good progress for us.

I think one of the hardest things now are the triggers for me. For example, this morning, I opened a webpage that reminded me of the A. I wanted to cry, scream, etc. I had to remember that it was done and over. I know that I will have lapses like this, and I hope they get less and less.

I know that H is going through stuff too. I don't really know if I'd call what H is going through withdrawal. I don't know what to call it though. I just know he's going through a lot of emotions though. I'm guessing this is normal? I hope.

Anyways, just wanted to update ya'll!

Glad to hear things are going so well for you, cd! The fact that he's opening up is a great sign.

I know what you mean about triggers - I was at the store yesterday and I saw a book called "The Adulteress." I almost threw up. I was torn between ripping it apart and buying it and mailing it to OW....lol!

deleted

CD-Well, I did wonder where you ran off to and I am happy you have resurfaced. I was worried.

Now, if I remember correctly, your WH was moving into an apt in the same place you were living right? Did he keep his apt too or did he come home to you and DS?

Did you lay out your requirements for R? What ARE your requirements for R? You really don't want another FR. I KNOW you remember how much that HURT.

Are you still taking care of yourself?

Oops, sorry! Mind burp there!

Hey Scotty!

I can't go into too much detail on here about what all happened. I can ask the mod to give you my email if you want.

We are back together, and slowly working on recovery. I did lay out requirements for R and they are being met. Again, don't want to go into too much detail, but know they are being met. I will NOT go through another FR, and he knows that.

And as for me, I'm still taking care of me. And enjoying it. I really like how I've grown through all this, how much I've learned just about marriage in general. I love continuing my positive changes.

Thanks for checking in!

If you wanna give me your email that is fine by me. Just wanna make sure you are taking this the right way.

Has anyone had people who have found their posts on this site? What do they think about it? H was directed to this site and my posts by a friend. I'm guessing this happens here and there, but what are the responses people give u? I feel like I'm supposed to feel guilty or something for reaching out for help from people who have also dealt with this. I have no regrets; maybe I could have censored myself a bit more, or changed a few things, but otherwise no regrets. Thoughts???

Otherwise we have had a nice weekend together - spent tons of time talking and working on us - there are still issues I have as a BS- song triggers, etc, but H is being sensitive to most of them. I still wish he would get more into the MB principles, but I am slowly introducing them to him.

I don't know. I love him still but knowing what has occured really gets to me some days - especially when he LB's me with AO's... Ive kind of excused them a bit cause of withdrawal but now it's gotten old. It's not often, just once in a while but enough to annoy. I've tried to point them out and how they hurt me but I don't think he quite gets it.

Ok, done updating for a bit. Sorry I don't check in often - working on lots of recovery time!

I was just thinking about you this morning and I was going to look for your thread to see if I missed an update.

I have directed some of my friends to this site and specifically to my thread. I felt like it would show some validity to what I was telling them it said on here.

I DO NOT want my WH to EVER see my thread early in recovery. I wouldn't want him to see what was said in those early days. After some time, maybe.

Thanks, Scotty! I appreciate you thinking of me!

Now, I've directed a few people to here myself, but I never wanted H or other specific people to see it. Hense why my old thread had to disappear.... It's those that shouldn't be seeing it that bothers me. I've been told I was very emotional and such.... Uh yeah! Who wouldn't be? But people don't generally understand anyways, now would they..?

Nope, the well-meaning people IRL really don't have a CLUE. That is why when we BSs discover this WONDERFUL place, we suck it up. After a while, the MB concepts become the norm for us. I don't think that is a bad thing AT ALL.

Wow, I should probably update as I realized on Scotty's thread, it's been a while...

I can say with some good certainty that WH is now FWH. We have been able to make a lot of progress since he came back. I am still in GC, and am working on getting us in couples C this fall and continuing my own IC. H still doesn't really like the whole idea of C, but is kind of like, whatever you want, CD. And I insist on it!

Last weekend was a bit difficult. DS was being a little you know what, and was driving H crazy. I was having a real hard time dealing with H's AO's, as well as DS. I really tried hard not to LB, but apparently I went back to some old habits. Normally, H wouldn't have called me out on it, but in our new "transparent" M, he told me that he was feeling neglected because of it, and that was part of the anger he was feeling.... so, I gave myself a little for LB'ing, gave up the thing that was causing LB'ing, and we are now back on track. Transparency has been the best thing ever for our M.

That's about as close to MB as H will go... even though I have implemented things without calling them MB things. H still isn't cool with MB because of others who found me before. There is still a slight bit of fogginess, but its getting better. It generally doesn't have to do with her, though.

FOW has not tried to contact H since the day after we started talking. He has continued to delete anything from their A that he finds (after telling me). Unfortunately, they are still "connected" by a common interest, which I will NOT make him give up... there are extenuating reasons, but I won't go into that. I just monitor things in regards to that REALLY closely, and so far so good. She knows I'm around, and so I hope and pray she stays far away. I will not do anything to engage, but will shut her down as necessary.

There are still a lot of triggers, some that are real, and a few imagined. I wonder if they ever go away... I know they won't immediately, it's only been a month, but sometimes I wish they would just disappear, like, NOW!

Sometimes memories of his A comes to mind, or something I read previously from the A floats through my mind. Those are even more difficult to deal with than triggers. They come at such random times. I try not to show H that I am thinking about the A, her, what they were together. I just don't want him more reminded about POSFOW than necessary. Thank goodness for C. I just really hope those fade with time.

So, just an update. I try to post where I can, but I only have a little time here and there. I miss this place, all you people, but I know I need to do lots of UA with H in order to keep my M in a good, stable place. So, know that I'm here, I'm lurking, and will post occasionally when I can!

I thought that you update sounded very hopeful. I have a couple of questions though. Do you mean that WH and OW still see each other occasionally? I know that you can't go into detail, you can however be vague when you talk about what is happening. Also, you can't NOT tell him about the triggers and such. I know that you don't want him to think about OW more than he already is, but he needs to know ALL of what you are going through so he can make it better. You will become resentful and he won't understand what is going on. You have to be just as O&H and transparent as you expect him to be. It takes some getting used to and hard work to make it a routine, but I know you can do it.

I see that WH doesn't want to work MB, are you still managing to get POJA and UA in? Just keeping track of you. Thanx for the update.