I had an ah-ha moment about why I was holding on to the anger I had for the XOW. It has been almost two years since finding out about my DH having an A. I went through and took my DH through a LOT! We have rebuilt a M union that is stronger and we are more in-tuned to each other than we have been ever. I still had set backs where I would bring up the A to my DH and he has been a model H. I learned how to not throw the A in my DH face because I finally realized that he was in pain from hurting me. One day many, many months ago when I was ranting and raving about his A, my DH sat outside in our car in the dead of winter crying. When I went out to get him we cried and prayed for hours. He told me that he would rather not live than to ever hurt me again. I haven't thrown the A in his face since that night.

I went through forgiveness training trying to forgive a woman who came into my M (I know my DH brought her in but he was there in my presence and he could see my pain), and try to steal my DH and my life away from me. This woman was like a theif in the night, hiding in hotel rooms sending late night texts and begging my DH to get her pregnant in hopes that she could have my H. I hated this unknown figure more than I have hated anyone. She was a secret, a shadow. Someone who had put her lips on my DH precious body attempting to win him away from me. I was mad at her because I was nothing to her. I was to be moved out of the way and she tried to insert herself into my life with my H. My DH and her didn't have some kind of great love A. They were two broken ppl using each other to fill avoid within themselves.

I finally let go of my hatred for this unknown troll who hid in the darkness stealing portions of my DH and I forgave her by realizing that she is a pitiful soul who had so little respect for herself that she was willing to settle for the ugly man my DH became during the A. I also realize that my anger came from the unknown. Who was this woman? Why did she hide in the shadows? Why didn't she make my DH choose and not be his dirty little secret? I was unlike a lot of BS, I would not have fought for my DH. If he decided that he was in love with another I would let him go to find the happiness that he wanted. My DH and I have had a wonderful journey and I love him enough to let him find happiness even if it isn't with me. Our son starts college in the fall and I refuse to spend the rest of my life with a man who needs more than one woman to feed his ego. I believe in monogamy and I believe that the Lord wants a man to have one W and I will not settle for sharing my DH. Neither will I hate this unknown vagabond who tried to plant herself into my M. I will no longer give her any thought process and I will put her into the garbage where she belongs. She will get hers. Just as my DH had to pay for the pain he caused me she will also get hers one day. She is trash like yesterday's garbage and I will no longer allow her presence enter my M.

Please join me in my burial party where we bury the xow/xom and forget that they ever reared their UGLY head into our M.

Good for you for letting go of the hate and anger! I think you will find that forgiveness benefits YOU the most, and you will start to feel better both emotionally and physically. Hate and anger are so toxic to our bodies and minds, so you've made a really huge and important step in your healing.

Also, by forgiving and releasing the hate you've had toward OW, you've also released the POWER she's continued to have over you and your marriage.

I can relate to a lot of what you have written.

I am mostly (90%) unfeeling towards OW, but if I let myself go to that dark place, that disgust and anger will start to bubble up again.

Can I vent about her? I don't think she even had an infatuation that many people in an A have towards my H. She just enjoyed the attentions of a M man. It is very very difficult for me to understand this.

The thing (I think) that really frustrates me is she knew we had two SN children & also she knew that he was going through a depression of sorts ~ his childhood BF had commited suicide a few months prior and he had started acting very erratically ~ even announcing a complete career change just weeks before they started their EA. (I know this because one of my H's coworkers who talked to me after exposure told me they all knew something was very wrong and they all thought he was going thru a MLC)

When I confronted her via textmessage, she told me I was crazy and that she had told my H we needed MC and she had "nothing" to do with our problems. Then to add insult to injury, she called and texted my H a couple times to "complain" about me that day when he had already told her he wanted NC and wanted to fix things w/his family.

Anyway, I am mostly over it but I really do only a very very sad selfish person with a very low level of consciousness would have done those things. It somehow makes me feel better to remind myself of this...