thanks for sharing schoolbus,

I am hopeful, but it will take lots of time for him to change. He's supposed to get the kids this weekend, but I'll wait and see. Should I hold him to his time with children? He still does not contact the children or even ask me to have time with them.

Believe me, I want them with me all the time, but I know they are wondering if their father has left them too. I don't know what to say after the hearing today. Should I go into some more explanation? I didn't even tell them that I was going to that hearing...I didn't want them to worry.

Remember, you cannot control him. If he comes for them, be polite and send them on their way. If not, then just document his lapse for your own records. It may come to pass that his failure to see or pick up the kids will be an important aspect of the proceedings in the future. Keep a calendar of his contacts, so that you have something in writing, in the event that you are asked to "prove" whatever allegations you need to support. That calendar can offer a judge or mediator a written sequence of his contacts or lack thereof, and trust me, he will NOT have anything like it. He is in "stupid mode" due to his anger, and he isn't thinking of anything or anyone but himself.

You do need to sit your children down and talk with them. Given their ages, you probably need to talk to the teenager alone, and the three younger ones together.

For the teenager, I would probably let that one know that the hearing has been held, and explain that the purposes were for the protection of finances for the time of your current separation. Explain that it is a legal situation, and that your position is that you do not want a divorce, but you are in a place where there is another woman in Dad's life and you cannot be sure what kind of financial influence or access she might have, and so you had to file some papers to protect that, as well as to be certain that Dad would maintain the insurance and finances for child support during this time. The teen will likely be upset or angry - make it clear that you are hurt, too, and that you don't know what Dad plans, or how to solve the situation since you think that his love for you has "changed". Use the word "changed" - it leaves open the possibility that it can CHANGE AGAIN, and stress that point! Also, do not emphasize the OW, or focus on that.....focus only on the idea that you hope and pray this is a temporary issue, and that you understand that both DAD AND MOM need to work to change the marriage.

The teenager WILL TALK TO THE FATHER. Make YOUR MESSAGE to the teenager MATCH what you want the husband to hear. He will get the message from the teenager. Make your mood serious, but NOT EMOTIONAL....remember that you are the leader, lead with strength....and remember that whatever you say is going directly to DAD.

Also, with the teenager -they can sniff out dishonesty and condescension. Do your best to be honest and sincere - don't pull punches if you are asked a tough question, but at the same time try to avoid any disparaging remarks about OW or Dad at all possible costs. Try to remain positive and loving toward your husband - consider this conversation as though he were in the room listening and watching....because he essentially will be in the end.

For the littler ones, keep it simple. Stress that you "had to go to court" and that this was to "talk about money issues". Let them also know that you still love Dad, you want the marriage to work, and you pray every day that his love for you will stay in his heart.

Remember that the less you say to them, the more they will remember, and they will ALSO TALK TO DAD and report what you said. Make it simple, positive, and unemotional. SIMPLE...POSITIVE...HOPEFUL....


I hope this helps!

SB

Husband called daughter to tell her that he wants to pick up the boys on Friday after school. I'm not sure how to get him to use my intermediary. I don't think it's good to use our daughter as a go between.

I haven't officially gone into plan B, but I will starting this weekend. Could someone give me a sample plan B letter

Husband called daughter to tell her that he wants to pick up the boys on Friday after school. I'm not sure how to get him to use my intermediary. I don't think it's good to use our daughter as a go between.

I haven't officially gone into plan B, but I will starting this weekend. Could someone give me a sample plan B letter?

sorry about the double post. I had my brother call husband to see if he would be responsive. He did talk with him and I had my brother relay the message about picking up the kids. My brother only told me that he spoke with my husband and relayed the message.

I'm hopeful that he will continue to use him as our go between.

Good! Can you resend your letter on Friday as we discussed?

Yes, I'm working on it and I'll have it ready by Friday. Another question? My daughter told her daddy that she did not want to come this weekend, but that she would go on the next visitation. Should I make her go? I told her that it would be another 2 weeks before she would see him. She's very involved with her social life and she's going to let that interfere with her visits.

Nope, I wouldn't make her go! She can tell her dad she doesn't want to go.

Yes, certainly, don't make her go.

I was packing up husband's things in our bedroom and I'm so overwhelmed with emotions as I look at everything. Our marriage certificate and a picture of both of us were at the top of the closet. Our marriage pictures and other momentos were up there too. I just can't let any of it go; i don't know that I ever will.

This is so wrong and I have no way to stop it. I talked to my boys tonight and told them about court today. I just said that there is no divorce yet and I don't want it, but we had to put financial things into place along with visitation.

Good Morning,

It's a new day and I'm trying to get ready for plan B. Getting my husband's things packed some more this afternoon. I wish he could pick up this afternoon, but it may take him some time to do this.

I don't want his things staring me in the face.

Hope, I would pack those marriage photos and the certificate on the very top of one of his boxes so that it's the first thing he sees when he opens it.

Also...it shouldn't take that long to pack his stuff up ~ just dump it all in boxes and close them up. I packed everything up in about 2 hours and that included picking boxes up from a friend.

Hope, here is the letter from SAA. I would use parts of this and cut the letter down somewhat. Be sure and add the conditions we discussed before. You might want to post it here before you give it to him and let us give you feedback:

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon
Send copy of letter to the OP with this note: pg 81
I love Sue with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance.

Should I use that paragraph where I take blame for the affair? My lawyer said it would hurt my case.

I'm extremely low today, not hopeful at all.

You should absolutely not take blame for the affair!

Ya I wouldn't take the blame for sure!

No, I don't think you should be arranging for the children to give him gifts. Let them do that themselves if they want. If they are too young now, don't worry about it; when they are older they can decide for themselves. If they ask you for money or to take them shopping, I might do that.

That's between them and him, now. Let him bear the cost of earning his children's respect enough to merit gifts.

There is no place in the letter that says you're to blame for the A. I think you're referring to the part where you accept responsibility for creating an environment within the M that made the A possible, yes? Because you are responsible for that. You're never responsible for your WH having the A. He owns that one.

Hope, leave that part out. In your situation, I wouldn't hand him any ammunition that he could potentially use against you.

I'm really sad today and lots of crying....not sure how long these feelings will go up and down. I've lost 4 more lbs which would usually make me very happy, but not so much anymore. I'm going to finish packing tonight and get my kids things ready to go, so I can hand them their things and send them out.

I'm still working on letter....I will have everything ready by the morning.