Mrs. Vanilla, thank you!

Great posts all of you. I will do all of those things, I have been and will make the effort and no I am not giving up. Todays advice was great and I appreciate it very much, I can see actions I can do and why things I am doing arent getting a response.

I know my actions didnt show it, but I love my wife.

My phone number is changed, BTW. No excuses, just that the other woman works in the same company and can look it up. No intent on contact what so ever. She isnt making or attempting contact and I believe is working on her own relationship at home, (from my wifes conversation with her and her husband) so I hope it stays that way. Hope to hear from the new job in the next few days.

My apologies for my ignorance but what does "KWIM" stand for?

KWIM = know what I mean

When I first started reading here, I didn't have a clue to the short forms that weren't on the MB list.
Even now, when I see one that I don't know, I ask, and I'm thrilled when someone answers!

Can you block her cell phone #?
Don't assume that she won't contact you, take every precaution as if she would.

If you don't get this new job, and OW works in the same company, what will you do?
What's the plan IHS?

off to watch Criminal Minds .......

This is a thread that you will find helpful. This FWH struggled with understanding how to react to his BW, and still does now on occasion.
The first part of the thread was lost when the forum crashed.
A little background so that you are not confused, his BW kicked him out after d-day, he had to try to heal her living separately.

Brightlion's thread

There are other good threads out there, I can't think right now???
Keep looking around and maybe others can post some suggestions.

ihr ~

I think you might be trying too hard. From your posts I am getting the feeling that you seem anxious and nervous, and if it's coming across that way here, it probably is to b_r as well. This is not comforting to her and it may even annoy her (it did me).

Here is a suggestion and it's one I am giving based on my own experience in my own recovery:

You need to demonstrate CONFIDENCE to your W. I do not mean cockiness. I mean confidence as in "I am going to do whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to fix this. The weakness I showed in my affairs is not going to define me. I am strong and I WILL overcome this; I will prove to you that I am a man of integrity and honor, that I am loyal and trustworthy. I AM going to prove to you that I am worth you staying".

These are all things my H has said to me over and over. In the beginning they mattered very little because afterall...they are just words; his actions had demonstrated the opposite.

But he has continued; I can't tell you how many times he has said to me "I am not going anywhere; I love you and I am going to prove that to you." Hundreds of times, probably. But he did not say this out of anxiousness and nervousness, hoping that I would believe him. He said this with confidence and determination. This was the best thing he could have said to me.

I'm not sure I ame explaining this well, but this change of attitude has been very important in our recovery. Couple this with working the MB program to the letter and you will have a good chance at recovery.

MF, you explained this perfectly!

And, FWIW, I agree with you!

IHR, eyes forward.... keep workin'.....

I thought you said it perfect too, I understood exactly what you meant and agree.

As much as a BS has to stand up and fight for the M after d-day,
a WS needs to stand up with the same amount of fight, with cause and confidence.

Add me to the list of ITA.*





*ITA = I TOTALLY AGREE

Thank you, I am sure its not the last question that I will have on abreviations.

I am sure I can block her cell, dont know how but I will look it up on the internet.

Heard through the grapevine, (not intentional) that she is moving about 3.5 hours away. I will keep looking for new work, that and I need to be a big boy and ignore her (AND tell my wife) if she does try.

Thank you and you explained very well, at least I got something out of it. I know I lack confidence but I will stay with it and keep going. not going anywhere and not going to give up.

Thanks!!

Update:

Sorry, havent been able to get to a computer, but thought I would give everyone an update. Had my session with Steve and it went well. Completed my no contact letter/game plan to my wife and finally received my book yesterday. Between Steve and the first 80 pages of reading, I know there is hope. I need to start meeting the EN of my wife. Lots of tasks and things to do

I really hope i get this job and we can move, even if the OW moves too; the better, we would be twice removed.

I will write more later, but I am still here and fighting for my wife

Sounds good, keep it up.

Dear IHS,

I have been off the forum for awhile, but my BS, DancesWithGoats, has returned, and so I am happy to be back as well. No need to completely recapitulate the whole miserable history, because it is all in my thread "Back From The Hospital" from over a year ago, so you can read it there. Suffice it to say that I was one of the worst, if not the worst, serial cheaters in the history of these forums. A 26 year marriage of complete self-centered, evil disregard for my wife, marked by 24 years of going to prostitutes several times per year, followed by the most insane thing of all: having a six year "arrangement" with the last one and eventually falling in love with her for the final two or three years. I was busted, had a nervous breakdown ending in a hospitalization, an agonizing dismantling of my entire personality, months of telephone consultations with Steve Harley, and now one and a half years since D-day, barely scratching the surface of trying to heal the continuing and permanent agony I perpetrated in my murderous and evil assault on my wife for a quarter century, a person who is the last person in the world who should have ever suffered such a crime. She is simply the finest woman and finest person on this planet, 180 degrees opposite from the way I, a supposedly smart person, perceived her and acted toward her for two and a half decades. I put in place all the safeguards. A powerful set of EP's, radical honesty, POJA of everything we do,etc. I have shed rivers of tears over who I was and what I did. Fortunately, my beautiful wife is also the most stubborn person on the planet, and despite the continuing pain which will never go away, we are still together. Unlike you, I have not ever cheated again after her life was blown to bits, nor had any inclination to do so, and because I am retired from medical practice, we spend 24 hours per day together and do nothing without each other, except for a few meetings of organizations that can be documented and substantiated by mutual friends. Still, nearly every day, echoes of my old personality briefly pop up, and DWG (DancesWithGoats) quickly calls me out on it.

Although I have not read this entire thread yet, I agree with all that everyone has said that I have read so far. These people can really help you, especially when they recognize and blast you for excuses and rationalizations. TST has mentored me personally and checks up on me. Mark1952 is right, I believe. Even the most evil F*** in the world can change and become a good spouse, if the commitment is there, and work is done continuously and forever. I have been less than successful at being strong for her. Sometimes, I just break down, but she needs me to be emotionally strong. It will never heal completely, but am almost certain that 5 or 10 years from now, she may begin to feel that her stubborn-ness was worth it for her. Meanwhile, I am trying to grow a pair. I broke it. I bought it. It is mine. No one else is going to come along and restore trust or make it all better. The damage is permanent. You are going to have to work on this and accept this for the rest of your life.

IHS, if there is anything I can offer you to help you help BlackRaven to recover enough to want to stay with you, and to help you permanently change your life pattern, let me know. I have not "succeeded" completely, but after a year and a half, tiny glimmers of hope occasionally rear their head unexpectedly. So there might at times be something that I can offer.

- GreenMile

Greenmile, thanks for posting.
Well done you.

Good to see your post, PepperBand. You are one of the many who were tough on me but 100% right. Hope all is well with you.

duplicate post - sorry

"Now there's a golden nugget of truth!

That's a tough one to admit, but it is so valuable to recognise.

An ole' freind if mine used to say; "You can't fix what you can't see is broken" and then he would add, "becoming aware of the problem is 99% of the solution, the other 1% is taking the step to change it."
_________________________
tst"


Ain't that the truth! But oh, what a 1%.

(Hi, tst. Still helping the seemingly un-helpable, I see.
Congrats, BTW. DWG has told me about the new blessing in your lives.)

I've been wondering ........

how goes it?

ihurt,

I'm sorry that you did not continue posting. I don't think that your wife could have gained a good impression of your commitment when you stopped coming here.

Could you update us now?