I've been lurking on this site for a while reading others posts hoping to find one that would relate to my own dilemmas, but no two relationships / affairs are really alike. So here is my story.. First some back ground info: M:BW28 H:WH29 Married 6 years in June, together for 13 years (we were high school sweethearts). No children, had a miscarriage once - never tried again (his choice)

*sorry for the long post, but I'm squeezing in 6 months here*

On Dec 16, 09 he gives me the ILYBNILWY speech. He says he's only really happy when he's a work or at the fire station (he's a cop and also a volunteer FF) and that he works overtime a lot and spends his nights at the bars because he doesn't want to come home. I ask him if he's seeing someone else, he says "no".
A few days after Christmas, I get a call from the OWH.. "You don't know me but your Husband is having a affair with my wife". He goes on to say how he follows his wife and that he knows that they have a room together that evening. To be honest, this guy terrified me. He was SO angry that I thought he might do something stupid and attack my H. So I called my H (he was out of town, like always) let him know about this phone call and to be safe. H drives home that night. I get a call back from OWH and we start talking, I didn't want to believe him but the evidence he provided was sound. I guess my H and the OW (she is also a cop) met during a special assignment at work. She lives and works about 100 miles away, they kept in contact through text messaging. The OWH and the OW have only been married less than a year (they have now had their marriage annulled, I think). When my H made it home, he grilled me to know exactly what OWH had said to me and he did confirm that he had a room with her. There was so much that should have been said that night but I was just to devastated to even talk.
He he moved out of the bedroom that night and onto the couch. He started avoiding me even more and completely dropped all affection.
I found this site and bought the books SAA and HsN&HrN. I'm on plan A and have been trying to meet whatever needs he will let me. In Feb. I even convinced him to do a counciling session with S. Harley. I'm not sure what they talked about, he wouldn't discuss it, he has refused to do another session.
March was the worst, he started not hiding the A. He even told me that he was going off the weekend to NYC with the OW. I let him know that I was NOT okay with that. He said somethings like he doesn't know why but he is "Done"(with us).. that "I'm a angel and he's the [censored]". I told him that it was possible to repair our marriage and that we could be happy together, that we could be the source of each others greatest happiness (got that line from S.H.). And I asked him also to please not go to NYC with her. He said coldly, that he has already made the plans, so he's going. I didn't see him for almost 2 weeks after that. When he came home I realized he had taken his wedding band off (he had been wearing it on his watch band since DD).
In April, he was going to be given a award from work. There was a banquet and when I asked to go he originally said that he was taking the OW to it(that hurt). I asked him again later, also letting him know that I was proud of him for all of the self sacrificing work he does. He had then said yes to taking me to the banquet, but I guess the OW had a fit and called him "inconsistent". He didn't want to choose, so he went alone.

I know that what we lack the most is communication. He doesn't talk to me and when I try to talk to him he is like a brick wall, cold and expressionless. I've tried writing him a few notes, but he never comments about them.
So I just keep trying to make him happy any way I can and when he hurts me by seeing the OW, I push it aside and try harder next time. Sometimes I think I'm getting somewhere and then he takes off to see the OW and I have to start over. How do I get out of this repetitive rut?
I have talked to S.H. too, he said that in our case (no children) that absence does not make the heart grow fonder.

Again, I'm sorry this post is so long, but I'm just looking for any advice at all from someone who has also had a spouse that does not want to communicate with them.

AHFOL:

Sorry you have to be here.

What was the marriage like before July 2009?

How would you describe your H before the A?

Do you work at all?

Your WH has moved from the secretive, (before Dday) to the truly disrespectable (inviting OW to attend a award function).

That type of behavior can mean that marital recovery can be very difficult for you. It is not impossible, but it shows a complete disregard for at least keeping up appearances of being married by the wayward one.

Have you spoken to an attorney? Please do so. A one-hour meeting may help to layout what your legal options might be. You don't have to tell your WH that you have spoken to an attorney, either.

LG

Sorry you are here but welcome to MB.

I don't think I saw you mention exposure ~ one of the best tools to help bust up the A. Have you exposed this to anyone? Typical targets would be both of your parents, any other close friends or family that support your M, pastor, OW's parents and FB friends.

Also have you started looking at Plan B? It is unhealthy for you to be in an environment in which your H is openly flaunting his A...and it sounds like it has been going on for close to 6 mos now.

Hugs and hang in there.

Hi and welcome to MB. You have a long road ahead of you, but you can get a lot of help here.


This kind of jumped out at me - this "choice" should have mutual. Was it?

He sounds like a very typical WS who simply wants *both*. Please do not ever think he is trying to "choose" between you and the OW. He wants both of you and he will do whatever he has to do to keep this arrangement going.


He is doing this to control you and to punish you for interfering with his affair. He wants you to back off and it sounds like it's working.


You can be sure that the minute Steve Harley said anything about stopping his affair, your WH shut down because he does NOT want to do that. I am sure he thought he could just placate you and shut you up by doing "phone counseling", but it turned out to be REAL counseling and he does not want that!

Your WH is talking and behaving very much like my XWH. He is a huge corporate big shot who uses the workplace (and his own direct reports) as a dating service and wh*rehouse. He did not have just one OW; he's always had several, plus porn, strippers, and no doubt prostitutes.


Check.


Check.


Check.


I did the same over a business trip to NYC with one of his direct report - asked him as calmly as I could not to go out with her. They were already there but he rubbed it in my face that the two of them were going out to dinner and going to see *Spamalot*. He didn't go - he stayed on the phone with me and I even checked the theater times - but he was very, very sulky and nasty about it and made me very sorry I ever asked him not to go.


Check. Workplaces banquets and celebrations were always, always dates for him and his girls and I was NOT invited and NOT welcome.


Check. That was my experience, too. Again, this is how he controls you - by shutting you out completely and leaving you POWERLESS in the relationship.


What else did Steve Harley say?

The problem is not that he doesn't want to "communicate" with you. The problem is that he wants both a wife AND a girlfriend and he is keeping you under control through stonewalling, silence and threats. Yes, threats - he rubs the OW in your face with the unspoken threat that if you don't back off, he's going to leave you and go off with her so you might as well accept half a marriage instead of having none.

Right?

Been there and it was horrible.

Please don't do what I did and think you can reason with a man like this. You can't. You will need a SHORT Plan A and then go to a pitch-dark Plan B.

You have to understand - your WH is perfectly fine with this arrangement. He's got all his women jumping through hoops and doing whatever he says and he loves it. This arrangement WILL NOT CHANGE unless and until YOU change it by going to Plan B.

Please keep posting and we will do whatever we can to help you.

Thanks for the reply's

I will try to answer a few quick questions. I do have a part time job (which I will be late to if I don't hurry up here.. )

To describe my husband before the A. He is hard working and tries to do the right thing always, even when it interferes with his life. He will run on very little sleep just to do everything other people expect of him. Like dealing with issues at the firehouse to work, then FF training, rope rescue, hazmat.. and he still is like that. I think that 2 years ago when we moved closer to our families that the station here is much busier than the previous one. He is very stressed / probably headed towards burned out and I've learned just to stand to the side and let him go. I don't know what to do to help him with that.

We kind of created separate lives. While he was busy with all his *jobs*, I volunteered my time at the local theatres.
I'm trying to get him to do something relaxing with me, like hiking. I know he likes to hike, but he can't find the time.

As for exposure: I've told both of our parents and most of our close friends. His parents opted to stay out of things. They say the love me and hope that he will come to his senses. From that, gossip has spread like wild fire. Distant cousins come up to me say.. "I so sorry, I heard from so and so..." I was looking for help by exposing and instead I just feel like a failure because I can't keep my marriage together.

anyways, I gotta run to work. Thanks everyone.

Update: I have quickly moved to a plan B.. haven't written a letter yet.

H has started to be mean, not physically but verbally. During the last 6 months I've been able to handle his grumpy moods and the avoiding all while continuing to Plan A. He has never in 13 years intentionally said things to me with a intent to hurt me before. This is a huge love buster for me and I decided if I want to preserve any love for him I had to get out of there quick.

I was wondering that once in Plan B, is it too late to do more exposing? I have done some before, like I mentioned in the last post but I haven't tried FB yet. That would a way to expose to his coworkers and his other contacts. It's just so hard for me to get the courage to do that.

This is mostly plagiarized from MarriedForever's old post. I would like to use something like this as a FB post on his account. Any suggestions?

Hello to all of you who remember H!
Just a quick post ~ long story, but.... I am doing everything in my power to save my marriage, and one of those things would be to let all of you know that.....

H and OW have been having an AFFAIR ~ I actually found out last DEC, and have been trying my hardest to save my marriage ~ unfortunately, even after I found out, they continued

I still love my husband.

Affairs thrive under the darkness of the secrecy ~ once the ugliness is exposed to the light of day, they aren't so fun anymore. That is all I am hoping to do with this post.

PLEASE pray for us.

Anyone? Please. I need some advice. This is my first marriage, we've been together since High School. I've never had to deal with anything like this before, I've not sure if I'm doing the right things to save my marriage. I'm desperate, I need help. I can't really afford counciling with S.Harley.

I am very sorry for your pain. Most of us here have been through it and understand it.

From your posts, I take it that you have no children and that you have always led independent lives. I hate to say it but it seems as though your WH has not made you a priority and you have made excuses for that. It also does not appear that he has been very secretive about his A if he had intended to take her to an awards banquet. Further exposure may not help in this circumstance.

Please read up on Plan B. An effective Plan B requires careful planning and I have no experience in that. Others will be along to help you with that. I believe that your only chance of personal survival is a VERY DARK Plan B with the very real probability of D. I would contact an attorney to protect yourself financially and remove yourself from his life. Be glad that you have no children that will suffer from this man's cruelty and self centered behavior.

Again, I am sorry.

God's Blessings,

Say

Hi sorry you are here, it sounds like you need MORE exposure! To let EVERYONE know, one thing my husband did was that he posted it on FB where all of mine and OM's friends were, it died very quickly.

So in my opinion, I would definitely post it on FB! Sounds pretty good to me

For a side note, after my husband found out about the A I did exactly what your WH is doing, I did not hide it, I flaunted it! What he is doing is trying to hurt you on purpose, so you can give up on him. That you can stop loving him so he can leave saying "we tried to save the marriage, but it just wasn't meant to be"

EXPOSE him on FB, then go straight into plan B, make sure your letter is perfect! Post it on here first before you send it so we can edit and help.

I'm terrified at the thought of a D. I keep finding excuses not to talk with a lawyer, and it's true I find excuses for lots of things. Like excuses for his behavior, to avoiding plan B because I wasn't ready. It's just hard to imagine a life without him, especially when I can remember happier times that were only a year ago. *sigh*

Thank you Sapphire. I will expose him on FB and work on my Plan B letter and post that here ASAP.

Perfect! The next thing to do is go into plan A, unless he volunteers to leave, but after the exposure you need to let him know that you are fighting for your marriage, and put on a pretty face! NO LB's, be nice, avoid talking about the A, unless he wants to talk about it. Keep snooping don't let your guard down, just don't let him find out that you are still snooping. Can you get the OWH phone number? I would call him and let him know that his wife cheated on him, send him evidence, he probably wont believe you.

If he does end up leaving and trust me once he is exposed he will be very very very angry! He'll call you names, but you need to stay calm, smile and say that you love him. These where the words I used after my exposure.

"I might have ruined the marriage, but your the one that ENDED IT!"

After he leaves write out your Plan B letter to give to him.

aHeart,

I take it that when SH said this to you, he was talking about Plan B. Was he advising against Plan B, because in your situation with no children, your absence is not likely to make WH wish to be back with you? I suspect that this was so, because others here have described SH saying that to them when they are childless.

Dr W Harley, Steve Harley's father and the founder of MB, writes this about Plan B:

While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward spouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day (being revealed to their family and friends), and almost all affairs end without leading to marriage. Even those few that end in marriage have only a 25% rate of success. That's because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion. Marriage, on the other hand, especially with children, has many factors that motivate couples to restore their passion for each other after passion has waned. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice.

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

You will see from this extract that part of the purpose of Plan B is to encourage "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and that Dr Harley has found that marriage, especially with children, creates a strong pull for the WS.

However, that implies, as SH seems to be saying to you, that the lack of children (especially in a relatively short marriage) makes the pull for the WS less strong. WS is not hurting innocent children, whom he loves, by staying away, and he is not hurting himself by reducing the amount of time he will spend with his children, for ever. The childless WS is facing a more straightforward choice between two women; the excitement of a new relationship, which might indeed break down, but he is still in his 20s and might feel he wants more time to explore; and his old relationship, with you. I can see that you have told him that you could create a new marriage, but that does not seem to appeal to him as much as a relationship with a new woman, and there are no children to make him realise that he should not put his own selfish desires first. In short, why shouldn't he put them first?


WE know that affairs very rarely become long-term happy marriages, but, as I said, your H might feel that he can take the risk of restarting and failing again at his age

SH has found that in cases with no children, Plan B does not often work to bring the WS back to the marriage, and I think it is for the above reasons.

What this means for you is that you should consider carefully whether you want to enter Plan B, which means NC with WH but no divorce or dating either. Your WH will be perusing his freedom while you will remain firmly married. For you, Plan B means waiting for up to 2 years for the affair to end, and seeing whether, even when it does, your H wants to go back to you. He might not, as Dr Harley points out in the passage I quoted above.

My suggestion is for you to consider your young age and the fact that you have no children. There is the option for you to end the marriage and start again with someone who has a commitment to you, marriage and children. You are young enough to start again, and whilst I wouldn't call your 6 year marriage short, it is not long when you have the next decade in which to find someone and have a long, happy marriage, with children, without the pain of recovering with your H from his cruelty.

You will have to recover from his cruelty anyway, before you are fit to date anyone else (and do not date until fully divorced!), but you will not have to rebuild with the same man who treated you badly. Rebuilding is very hard, and takes 2-5 years.

To Plan B or to not Plan B?, that is the difficult question. I've been on Plan A for a while, just moved out on Wed. night. Staying at my parents now right now. Do I go back? If I go back, will he be in too much of a fog to even care when I say that I want to fight to save our marriage?

Wait wait wait...you moved out?? Sweety he is the one that has to leave. I also believe you should still be in plan A, SH is right, if you go into plan B then you will lose him. Move back in A.S.A.P! Tell him that you are not leaving, and that you want to work on the marriage cause you love him so much. Do not make this easy for him to go into plan D, if you are out of the house he can do what ever he wants, and it will not give him a change of heart. Trust me! Move back in when he is at work so he doesn't know, just wait till he gets home and put on your A face

He's gone this weekend, I'll move back. But I should definitely expose him on FB right?

Yes move back in, start doing a great Plan A. Yes I would expose.

How long has he been gone? Do you think the OW is with him? Have you checked the phone bill? Emails? Can you give us more information on what you found out about the OW?

What I was also going to suggest is make sure you have UA at least 15 hours week, it sounds like you are both caught up on work, you both need to decide what is more important marriage or Carrier?

How long has he been gone? Do you think the OW is with him? Have you checked the phone bill? Emails? Can you give us more information on what you found out about the OW? [/quote]



I found out about the A last Dec. from OWH (he called me) They are both in Law Enforcement but not in the same county. They met during a 2 week long special assignment last Sept. OWH & OW were married less than a year (I'm pretty sure they have annulled their marriage now). I don't think I've ever met her. I have checked VW phone usage. They text each other continuously day & night. She lives and works in a county about 100 miles from here (about 1h 45m drive time). My H has scheduled training courses during the summer down where she lives. I know he's taking the courses, because he receives a certificate of completion, but I'm sure he's seeing her at night.