My WH was wishy washy about leaving, didnt know about MB and he was cake eating galore, then I found MB....He left, Plan B and he never looked back....So you are lucky to have found MB now...I would wait for steve before you talk about any R stuff...

Something tells me they've figured out some way to take it further underground.

I'm telling ya, Karma, after everything that's happened it would take a miracle for me to believe the words coming out of his mouth right now. It's why I'm very leery and really taking this process slow. I REALLY don't want a FR. Heck, after he did that last night I'm almost at a point where I don't want a Recovery, period!!

I will keep my mouth shut on the R talk then.

Heading home from work now. I used to be so excited to get home and see him and DD and tonight I'm dreading even seeing him. I might throw up.

Sorry {{{{NP}}}}} but at least you KNOW that he might just be blowing smoke out of his (you know what). Thank goodness for MB and its wonderful caring posters. They are awesome and we are all here for you, K?

Wow, that sounded like I was tooting my own horn, I really wasnt....Its just a good mix of people on here and you are lucky you found it so early.

OK NP, he needs TO LEAVE THE HOUSE! He is just getting the fix from you, you are pulling the strings here not him! You have to decide whether or not when he can come back home, let him go to a male friend of yours and talk to him so he can let you know that he is actually staying there and NOT with the OW!

Gotta be brave, but if you truly want a REAL recovery then he has to prove him self! And to me it doesn't look that way. You can start with Harley while he is not living there, if he can prove to you that he is willing to go to MC while living with his friend, then maybe you got a chance!

While he is gone take care of yourself, still be in plan B until you are ready!

Hi NP, I have been following your thread and the latest turn of events has stuck a cord with me. I am not an MB expert (far from it) but I just wanted to offer a different perspective on your WH staying at OW�s house last night.

This is based on my own experience. I�ll try not to make it long, but just a little background first.

After FWH 7 month A and 1 month after a FR I decided to go to Plan B. (FWH had decided 100% that he wanted OW told me so in front of our MC). FWH was staying away from home during the week on company paid accommodation and was coming and going at home as he pleased. At the same time I went to Plan B his company paid accommodation ended so he had to find somewhere else to live.

I would not let him in our home and because he couldn�t get an apartment straight away and had no friends or family that he could stay with he went and stayed with OW for 3 nights.

After 3 nights with OW and 1 night in his new apartment he came home and asked me if I would give him another chance. Needless to say I was very weary and not even sure I wanted R. I did not let him back in the house until he had meet all of my conditions

Early in R I was still extremely effed off about those 3 nights. All I could think was if he really loved me, if he really wanted to be with me why was he with her.

10 months later I now understand that those 3 nights he spent with OW were pivitol in his changing his mind. He got time to think about what it was going to be like living in her world. He had time to really understand how is world was going to change. He has told me that it was at that time he realised he had lost his best friend and his relationship with his children would be changed forever. When he new he could no longer have his cake and eat it he decided it was me he wanted.

Maybe your WH spent the night with OW and thought about you the whole time. Maybe he was using her because he stupidly thought he had nowhere else to turn. Maybe the fantasy is dying.

It has been a rocky road but 10 months later those 3 nights don�t mater anymore.

My only suggestion is that you don�t let what your WH did last night cloud your judgment. If you follow the great advice you have been getting and decide to R that one night is nothing compared to the happy years you have had with your H and the happy years you could have in the future.

OKAY! Wow, what a night.

Went home and talked to WH last night. We didn't delve into anything too deeply, and I think that was best - stay away from possibly fighting about what's been going on. He opened up a little, and I could tell he was really making himself talk to me instead of shutting off, which was an improvement. The oddest thing was - it was like talking to my husband that knew from a year ago, before the whole affair. I had forgotten what it was like to talk to that man. He complimented me on the new way I've been wearing my make up (well, by new I mean, the last 1-2 months, so goes to show you....). The way he looked at me was like he was truly seeing me for the first time in months and months. He asked if he could stay in our bedroom last night (which is huge - he's been out of there for months and not wanting to move back in). I kept quiet for a long time and when I finally said okay, his eyes teared up. He said when he went to her place a couple nights ago, they didn't have sex (?? - still doubt this) but they said goodbye and talked.

I asked him why he had decided to work on our marriage. He said he wanted to come home for his family, and because he felt he had never given our marriage the honest chance it deserved, and he was sorry, and wanting to give it that chance.

OW H called me this morning and we talked for a long time. She is really trying to recover their marriage, it seems, and even asked for my email to send me an apology (he didn't give it to her and I'm still questioning whether or not I even want to see it). If she is really trying, I ALMOST feel sorry for her, because I know OW H is at a place where he is really not willing to try at all.

I still have so many doubts and questions and a HUGE lack of trust. I am waiting to do anything more until we talk to Steve (have an appointment on Monday). I decided to let him stay until then.

I really hope I'm not setting myself up for a FR here. I don't want to consider myself in recovery until we have talked to Steve.

Take this time to really review what you think you will need as requirements for R. Run them by Steve, the board, or just in your head to try and determine what your particular R needs.

NC letter (I think this is a must, as does, well, MB )
A polygraph?
Move, etc.?

Those sorts of things. Also, until you see demonstrable actions indicating your WH is getting it, guard yourself well. Protect your feelings, your plans, and your family.

I would say HECK NO to OW contacting you. Her apology is garbage. It's to assuage her own guilt, and to get another fix - contacting you in the very least, or hoping it will open a door to your WH.

This seems too easy, you know?

One more thought: do NOT let up on your WH. If he exhibits anything you find telling or that concerns you or that shows he is NOT protecting you and the M, you need to call him on it. ASAP. Keep his feet to the fire in that respect. It will take some time, if he is truly defogging and means it, before he is able to do this mostly on his own. Until then, let him know you expect - and deserve - no less than 100,000%.

Here is what you need to do to protect yourself. Set down some conditions if he is to stay

1. Get all of his passwords, emails, FB, MS, etc. I would block facebook and myspace.
2. Let him know he is not allowed to delete any messages on his phone, if he does you will find out from the phone bill.
3. Write a NC letter, even if he said goodbye to the other woman it HAS to be hand written with your approval, stamped and mailed.
4. He has to let you know exactly what he is doing every min of the day, to check up on him.
5. Have him come home for lunch instead out with his friends or at work.

These are just some example that wheels and I are doing to protect our marriage, if he agrees to the condition and not argues then you will know that you will be in a REAL recovery. Even then, I would still be snooping, don't let your guard down. I asked my husband if he still checks everything and he said "yes!" I gave him a big hug and a kiss! I don't want him to stop, there should be no secrets in a marriage.

This sounds very encouraging, NP! I SO hope he isn't playing you! Be optimistic, yet cautious.

THANK YOU, everyone! I was worried that it was the wrong step to not ask him to leave....but yes, I am hopeful but extremely cautious and suspicious at this point.

I never thought of the letter from OW being a way to assuage her own guilt. But it makes a LOT of sense. She even asked her husband to send me some links to a website called Divorce Busters or something! All ways to make herself feel better. I almost feel like I want to see an apology so I can sneer at it, but I KNOW this will not make me feel better.

After I talk to Steve, I am going to hand WH a list of requirements. A NC letter will be a definite must, as well as passwords, etc. I am also going to ask him to pray with me every night. My mom always said "The couple that prays together stays together!" and I feel like God has really been lacking in our marriage (obviously). And he has to pick up his phone EVERY time I call him. Unless he's in the gym, and in that case I need to KNOW he's there and not somewhere else. There are a few more I have written down too, but I think those are the main ones.

I'm really excited to counsel with Steve!

GOOD for you NP! What wheels and I have been doing every night is we read our scriptures and pray together saying a couples prayer, then after we say a personal prayer in our heart.

Remember NP, these are extraordinary precautions that HE must be willing to take. Please ask Steve about how to convey these requirements to your (F?)WH without sounding like a momma/warden. You want him to do these things because he WANTS to do whatever is necessary to restore your marriage.

I don't think I'm saying this very well, maybe someone else can help me express this.

Anyway, here's a very good article from Dr. H. that discusses EPs...

Recovering from Infidelity - Extraordinary Precautions

Here's one of mine, while I'm thinking about it: I reserve the right to ask FWH to take a photo on his cell phone of where he is and immediately send it to me. We're recovered but I still do it, just so he knows that I will ask him at random times to do so.

He had a work function in the evening not too long ago (his A was with a former co-worker, in case you don't know my story) - I asked him to send me a photo of the room and his BOSS, LOL! He did it! The nifty thing is that I'm sure his boss knows why Mr. Bliss wanted to take a picture of him, and approves that I am being a proactive W.

Sooner or later these "Requirements" are adopted by the WS as personal boundaries for the FWS to affair proof the marriage. I thought that they were "demanding" love busters, but they changed into personal boundaries. They are also your needs that you can convey to your WH that he needs to satisfy in order for you two to build honesty and trust in a relationship.

And do I reciprocate? Should he have access to all of my emails, phone, etc?

I like that - that they become personal boundaries. And I REALLY like the sending a photo from his phone idea! I don't think WH would object to that one - he sent me a pic from his phone while he was up north to prove he was up there and not at her house, and posted pics on FB on his way home (but then obviously I knew he spent the night at her place...sigh....). I DO need to find a way to "demand" them without sounding demaning, KWIM?

Thank you for all the positive comments - this is lifting my spirits like you can't believe!

OH...and another thing he said that makes me hopeful - I asked him about that Hawaii trip he booked. He said he had tried to call them about it and they couldn't find a record of it, so he's not even sure it booked properly. Anyway, he also asked for my itin for our Disney cruise that I booked for DD, l'il bean, and I in Jan, so that he could book himself on it, and cancel the Hawaii trip if it DID book.

Yes it is reciprocal. I would not tell him about this site until you are ready though. In the meantime let him in on everything you do. It is part of being open and honest.

Also think about POJA. Sapph and I have been practicing this to a good extent. It really gets rid of a lot of resentment on both sides, and reduces LB's.

I'm so happy for you! I know there is a long road ahead but I'm encouraged by what has happened for you! Good job using MB method and taking the advice given here. You are an inspiration.