Quick preface:
Wife and I have been married for 8 years now. Used to work opposite shifts and hardly saw each other. Anyway, we have become indifferent because of life, stress, routine, etc. Two years ago she started an online job working from home. She ended up meeting someone at work and began an emotional affair. Said she wants to leave because she wants to be in love with whoever she is married to. Its two years later, she has left yet and the 'affair' continued up until two days ago when i ask said gentlemen to eliminate his temptation by not contacting my wife anymore because we were going to a marriage counselor. She suspects that he no longer wishes to be in contact with her because of me. She has confronted me with it and I have neither denied or confirmed it. I don't want to lie to her but my fear is that she would see it poorly and make my matters worse. Also need to mention that she says she isn't wanting to leave because of him. He removed himself once before for a brief stint of 2 weeks and whattaya know she was ready to work on us. I realize and understand her unhappiness. other than that we have an awesome marriage, we have both grown in so many ways. But she still isnt happy about not being able to feel anything. My question is should I admit to contacting him?

I just don't want to ruin our chances of making things better if she felt that I sabotaged her emotional affair.

Have you read about exposure on here? How about Plan A? This EA will not end on it's own. Do not trust a word she is saying at this point and only believe about half of what she does. You can admit to contacting him and follow it up with "I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage." As long as she has relationship with him (of any kind), you will not be able to meet her needs and she will not 'get' feelings for you.

She must go "No Contact" NC with this guy.

Tell us a little more. Do you have kids? What are your ages? Any previous infidelity by either one of you?

Check out these threads and read them....

Mark's Thread for Newbies

And this one.....

Thread to Newly Betrayed Spouses

Read them both. Have you read the links and articles from Dr. Harley? How about any of the books?

So sorry you are here by the way, but you are not alone. You will get better. I know how painful and devastating this is but you will get stronger. You are in the best place possible for help.

We have a 9 year old together. No infidelity while we were married. Although during her teen years, she has had a couple...her doing. I also feel that part of her wants to stay for our daughter's sake. She has been feeling this guy out trying to figure him out, I don't think she is willing to destroy our family by ending up with someone who isn't what he's cracked up to be. I am 38 and she just turned 33 years old.

sorry, not just teens but early twenties as well. Her fiancee at the time. She stated that she stayed with him because of obligation. Admitted to cheating on him while she was overseas

My advice is that you can let her know that you talked to the OM (Other Man), and you let him know your mind. On the other hand, you did not force him to leave her, that was his decision. Perhaps he was looking for an out anyhow. Most Affairs die a natural death at 2 years.

In the meantime sorry to see you here at the club nobody like to be a member of. Here are some things that you can do to help you conquer this affair, and strengthen your marriage.

1. Read everything on here presented by Dr. Harley
2. Click on the blue links Thread to help newly betrayed spouses
3. Exposure

There are not that many vets on during the weekend so it will be slow. Things will pick up on Monday.

Oh yeah, and these are imortant.....

1. No matter what you did or didn't do in your marriage, it is not your fault that she decided to get involved and have and EA. Don't ever take responsibility for her decision.

2. Do NOT tell your WW (wayward wife) about this website yet. There will be time for that later, but for now, you need to keep this to yourself.

OK, Wheels is right, it does get a little slow over the weekend, but that is OK. You have a lot of reading to do. I will be on and off all weekend too. I need to go to a meeting, but I will be back on later this evening.

You may want to check out Linus' thread "she's not walking the walk", and my thread "want new start she doesn't" and Optimism's thread "Another EA". All 3 of us are at various stages of an emotional affair. Check out Wheels Spinning's thread as well as it is starting to have a happy ending!!

One thing you will see is that all waywards act and speak alike. It is like they all read from the same script.

Marriedguy, sorry you are here and welcome.

You have a lot of reading to do. That being said, you will need to expose this affair. Who knows about this affair so far? You need to do a NUCLEAR exposure.

Well, I ended up telling her about contacting the OM. She claimed that she wasn't upset about only that she wanted the truth if i did do so. So for the last couple of days she has had time to dwell on it and she says it feels like I took something special away from her. Mind you she has had two other 'connections' that were removed in her life involuntarily on her part. One was because he was mentally unstable and had to be institutionalized and the other because she moved away(she was an Army brat). Seeing as how she has this new one, she felt that this was one that she could explore with fear of it "going away". This is what she had communicated to before. Anyway, just found out that she has petitioned for divorce...this was after I told her about contacting the OM. Basically I asked her to *ish or get off the pot. Since then, she has agreed to seek counseling together. I am at the point of giving up because it is a race against time with the papers having been filed already. As well as having to deal with the emotional stress over the course of the last two years. As I stated before, I don't think she really wants to go otherwise she would have done so. I know she wants to stay married but wants that happiness that goes with it...the 'connection'. Still trying to hang in there.

I know she only petitioned because I forced her hand by demanding she *ish or get off the pot. Been laying low since then and trying to just "BE". She seems to be taking to me having done so...dunno maybe I am just delusional.

Have you read anything we suggested here? If yes then what is your plan to end the "just BE-ing"? Laying low and waiting and hoping does not get you anywhere.

We have decided to go to counseling together...3rd week now.

Contact with OM has ceased after I contacted him.

Here is the deal with divorce papers. SHE filed them not you. Whats the waiting period in your state? Do you have to live seperated for a period time? Is she still at home?

having your wife file sets a possible end date to the M but can also play into your plan B.

Just Plan A her for however long you can. If your still seeing her you can be effective.

Then when you transition to PB you are giving her a taste of what D will be like. She is the one who is asking for it. Can see what she is made out of.

Here is the sad truth. PA and PB are both easier than recovery. You do your best at meeting her needs then you withdraw respectfuly from the situation. If she doesnt miss you and want to rejoin the M then she wouldnt have given it any effort when she came back. You would be settling for scraps.

The success stories on here have a common thread. Eventually the WS saw the value of MBs and put for the WORK to save their M.

It sucks I know. Im there too. Im probably transitioning to a PB/PD situation very soon. I want it to work and I want my wife back but I dont think she is willing to put any effort into it.

Be sure to drag your feet on the divorce. Give her time to regret filing. Fight her on every point. Do NOT let her think its going to be amicable.

If she wants to show you commitment to the M YOU address her. For the D she needs to go to your lawyer.

BTW beware the MC. Is she trying to use him to convince you to D her? Waywards do that sometimes.